by Jo Cattell
Nick stared at his phone and wondered if he should try to call her again. The thought of her being alone to deal with this bothered him. He knew that it hadn’t sunk in with her yet, and when it did, she would need someone to lean on. He tried twice and she didn’t answer. She hardly talked on the way home and just said she would call him when she got out of the car. He knew that she had to be hurting but she wasn’t acting right.
Kevin came in and put something behind Mark’s headboard. “Hey, how you holding up, Bro?” he asked, as he sat on Nick’s bed.
Nick put his hands behind his head and stared at the bottom of Kevin’s bed. “It just doesn’t seem right. She was a year younger than Max for Christ’s sake.”
“Yeah, that’s young. How’s Chloe?” Kevin asked.
He let out a deep breath and shook his head. “She’s numb. I don’t think it has hit her yet. I‘ve been trying to call her, but she must not want to talk. Hey, can I ask you something?”
Mark came in the room and threw his pillow at Kevin. “Okay, Ass, where the hell are my keys?!”
“Behind your headboard, stop being such a baby.” Kevin threw the pillow back at him.
“Nicky, Dad just told me about that little girl. Sorry, dude. I know you liked her. You need anything?” Mark asked as he lay back on his own bed.
“Can I borrow one of your cars tomorrow night? It’s the viewing and I want to take Chloe. I’m going to need it the next morning, too, for the funeral,” he asked, hoping one of his brothers would see how important it was to him.
Kevin shook his leg. “Just drop me off after school tomorrow and it’s yours. I’ll fill it before we go in. How are things with you two since the party? You haven’t said much.”
“Wait, what happened at the party? You told Mom she wasn’t there,” Mark reminded them.
Nick sat up and looked at Kevin. “That’s because she was there and I took her home and spent the night with her. That girl Robyn told this story about Chloe. We don’t know if it is true or not, but it really hit her hard. Her so-called friends got her trashed and were just going to dump her off. Don’t tell Mom. Nothing happened,” Nick explained.
“You spent the night at her house? Where were her parents?” Mark was a little concerned about his admission.
Kevin looked over at Mark with an exasperated expression. “They’re not dating and he did it because of what her friends did. I would’ve done the same thing. And you would, too, you know it.”
“She isn’t ready for that yet anyway. I told her how I felt and she still isn’t sure about me. I just wish she would answer her phone.” Nick looked at his phone and thought about trying again.
“She might have gone to bed, or if those great friends of hers showed up, she’s trashed,” Kevin suggested.
Nick sent her a text, and then got ready for bed. He knew the next few days were going to be long ones and he wanted to be prepared for them.
Just before he fell asleep, his phone vibrated.
Wish you were here. The text from her read.
If only she knew how much he wished he could have been. Do u need 2 talk?
Not sure, just want to sleep.
Try to sleep, babe. I’ll be with you tomorrow. I’ll get you through this. He wanted to get dressed and go there now. Something told him she really needed him. Then, he realized he called her ‘Babe’ and felt stupid.
Night, she sent back and that was it.
He almost wanted to stay home from school but didn’t know if she would. It was a distraction from what was going to happen later that night. Getting into homeroom, he noticed her empty chair. She still had a few minutes. Gabbie leaned over and motioned for him to come closer.
“Have you heard from Chloe?” She looked concerned.
Nick was a little surprised Chloe hadn’t called her. “Just a text, last night. Millie died and they sent us home early yesterday. I’m worried about her.” He heard the late bell and still no Chloe.
Sister Mary Margaret had started class and Gabbie sent him a note.
Okay, here is the deal. Today is the day her mom died and also the day she tried to kill herself last year. Now that Millie died, I am really worried about her. Keep texting her and see if you get anything.
He looked over at her and Gabbie’s hazel eyes seemed to be pleading with him. He took out his phone and texted her, hoping she would answer him back.
By lunch, neither of them had heard anything.
Tiffany was rolling her eyes as she listened to Gabbie’s concern.
Robyn came up and snickered as she looked at Nick. “Wow, no Chloe today. Did someone check her house? She might’ve tried to off herself again,” she said and laughed.
“You cold-hearted—” Nick started.
Tiffany spoke up instead. “I would be really careful if I were you. See, it seems you like to tell stories and share secrets. You forget who I am. If anything has happened to Chloe because of your lies, you will really regret it,” Tiffany warned her. It wasn’t often that she threatened. Usually, Tiffany struck first and warned later.
Something in what she said must’ve scared Robyn, and she left without another word.
Nick looked at his watch again and wondered what he should do. He glanced over at his brother, who had listened to everything that was going on.
“Go, I’ll cover for you,” Kevin said, throwing his keys at Nick.
Without another word, he raced to Chloe’s house.
Nick’s heart was pounding when he got there. He looked around to see if there was another way to get in, just in case something was wrong. He hit the doorbell repeatedly, and then knocked on the door. Yeah, it was overkill, but if she was sleeping, it would hopefully wake her and if—he didn’t want to think about the other option. After about five minutes, he finally heard the lock turning and the door slowly opened.
Chloe peeked out, blinking at the light that streamed into her house. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked like she hadn’t slept. “Nick?”
He didn’t say anything; he just grabbed her and held her tight, breathing a sigh of relief that she was okay. He didn’t even care that she had stiffened in his arms. He was just glad that she didn’t push him away. “Christ, I was so worried about you,” he whispered, not wanting to let her go.
She pulled away and shut the door. She was dressed in her pj’s still and her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail. She looked tired and a little withdrawn, but he thought that would happen with everything that was going on.
“Haven’t you slept?” Nick asked.
“No, it’s been almost three days now. I was going to go to school, but then I thought I would try again to take a nap. What time do we have to go tonight?”
He took her hand and pulled her back into his arms.
Finally, she rested her head on his shoulder.
“Not until about seven. What did your stepmom say when you told her about Millie?”
Chloe pulled away and started to walk out to the den. “Nothing. I didn’t tell her. She and my father left this morning to go to Aruba for a few days. She said they needed a break and this was the best time to take it. She left last night.”
He couldn’t understand why they would have left her like this. When she had told him about their wedding and that she was not a part of their lives, he thought it was just Chloe being jealous of her father’s new wife, but this didn’t sound right. “Why didn’t you tell me that last night? I would have come over and stayed with you for a while.”
She sat back down on the couch and covered herself with the blanket that laid there. The TV was on to some kind of family movie that she went back to watching. “I just figured that you wanted to be alone, too. Do you think families are really like this? I mean, look at the way that stepmom is taking care of her husband’s kids, like they are her own. It really isn’t like that in the real world.” She was pointing at the woman on the screen, who was hugging her stepdaughter at a wedding.
Nick took off his bla
zer and sat next to her.
She seemed preoccupied with the movie and just intently watched how the family acted. When he touched her shoulder, she jumped. “Chloe, are you okay?” He didn’t like how she was acting.
“I’m just not used to people touching me. I mean, I’m okay with hugging my friends quickly and even you when we were dancing, but not like you’ve been lately. I don’t know how to react to that,” she said softly, while wringing her hands in her lap.
He pulled her to him and guided her into his embrace. When she started to tense up, he whispered, “Hush.” After a few minutes, he felt her sigh softly and relax in his arms.
* * * *
A few hours later, Nick turned off the car and took a deep breath. He glanced over at Chloe.
“Don’t let go of my hand,” she all but begged. “I haven’t been here in six years, and the thought of going back in there is so hard—too many memories. Promise you won’t leave my side in there? ”
“I promise,” Nick vowed. “Just tell me when you are ready.” Then gently, he took her hand.
Chloe swallowed hard and stared at the door of the funeral home. Closing her eyes, she whispered, “Let’s go.” It was time to go back to where her loneliness began, but this time, for a different reason.
Inside, they were met by a large group of family and friends of the Daniel’s. They had seen them sometimes, coming in to see Millie. There were some small children clinging to their parent’s’ hands. There was a guest book at the door along with a prayer card with Millie’s picture. The prayer was called, ’A Peak into Heaven’.
She watched as Nick signed their names in the book, and as he was about to lead her in, she stopped him.
As if he could read her mind, Nick seemed to know right away her thoughts and took her into a sitting room.
She felt like she was ten years old all over again. She didn’t know if it was the sickening smell of the flowers or the dated 60’s furniture, but nothing about the place had changed in six years. “Oh God, this is so hard,” she sobbed, wiping tears from eyes. She felt herself panicking suddenly. As she glanced at the couch, she could almost see the ghost of her ten-year-old self, sitting and waiting for someone to tell her she could go in to see her mother.
“If you can’t do this, Chloe, we can leave. Millie knows how much you loved her.” Nick’s voice brought her away from the memory.
“What?” She was confused by what he’d just said.
“If you can’t do this, we can leave. Chloe, are you all right?”
“I haven’t been here since my mom died and it’s just hard to go up there again. I have to. I can’t let her go without the crown. Just don’t let go of me.” She tried to find the strength deep inside of her to pay her respects.
It seemed like forever before they made their way to Millie. Passing a huge arrangement of overflowing pink roses that were placed in a delicate crystal vase, Chloe dared to touch one of the silky pink petals, feeling the softness of its texture. It reminded her of Millie’s soft, flawless hands.
And then, there she was, so small and frail, nestled gently with her favorite dolls, in a satin-lined coffin that was a little too big for her wilted little body. It was then that Chloe saw the pictures of the fairies she had drawn for Millie, almost dancing among the flowers as if they were beckoning Millie to come and play. Chloe felt his arm go around her waist as if to let her know it was their turn to approach her lifeless body.
It was seeing her like this that made Chloe break down. She put her hands to her mouth, trying not to let her sob escape her lips
Nick held her, unable to look at Millie himself yet.
Shaking, she pulled away from him and gently placed the silver-and-rhinestone jeweled crown on her head, in the blond wig they had put on her. Pictures scattered throughout the home gave a vision of a child with long blond hair and dancing blue eyes. It was not the little girl Chloe had come to know, the sickly one with nothing but a few strands of hair that were so brittle they felt as though they would break if you touched them.
Slowly, they knelt down at her side, and instead of seeing Millie, she saw her mother. Chloe closed her eyes quickly and laid her head on her folded hands.
* * * *
Nick thought of his father’s words, on how hard this could be. The last time he’d seen Millie, she was so weak, and now here she lay, lifeless. A child angel forever, dressed in a lacy white dress. For a moment, he could almost hear her sweet little voice asking him to play ‘Over The Rainbow’ for her again.
It was then everything he’d held back came out. The tears he’d tried to hold back, so that he could be strong for Chloe now escaped him. He felt each drop as they fell onto his neatly folded hands and burned as they ran down to his sleeve. The softness of Chloe’s hair touched his cheek as she rested her head on his shoulder.
The warmth of her hand laid on his as she whispered to him, “We have to go.”
All he could do was nod and help her to stand up.
They had paid their respects to the Daniel’s, hoping to avoid the recap of Millie’s final days. Mrs. Daniels hugged Chloe tightly, looking glad that she’d been able to come. There were no words that needed to be spoken.
Chloe’s gesture of giving Millie the fairy crown was all that needed to be shared. When asked if they would be returning in the morning, Chloe nodded, unable to say no to this woman, this mother who had loved her child and now longed to hear her laughter. Feeling the warmth of Nick’s hand on her back, she was more than happy to finally be done with the place and the ghosts that lived within its walls.
The car ride was quiet. Chloe just stared out the window, watching a moist spot appear as her warm breath covered the glass. She watched the world go by, seemingly unaware of the little girl who lie in state and was now gone from it.
Nick reached over and took her hand. “Have you eaten? Do you want to get something?”
“Um, sure. I know you told your Mom that I would stay, but I’ll be okay, really,” she lied. She was afraid to be alone, especially this night. It was the same every year. Now, with this fresh new heartache, the pain would be magnified.
“I know that you don’t mind being alone, but my parents don’t want you to be alone after this.”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I need a distraction.”
Nick could see she was deep in thought. “You did a good thing with Millie. You made her smile when she couldn’t.”
“She looked like she was sleeping, but that is how they always look.” Her voice sounded distant to even her own ears.
When they pulled up at her house, she seemed to freeze. She stared at the dark house.
Before Nick could get out of the car, she got out and stood looking at the front door. When he approached her, she looked up at him. She started shivering in the cold night air. “Please don’t leave me alone when we go in there. I can’t be alone in that house tonight.”
He took her hand in his, and as he did, he looked down at her fingers. “I’m here, and I won’t let you be alone tonight, even after we go back to my house,” he assured her.
Chloe nodded and led him in. She went into the house and went straight to the bar. She took out a bottle of vodka and placed it on the counter.
“What are you doing?” He looked surprised at her action.
“I need to sleep tonight. It helps me sleep when I’m alone.” Picking up the bottle, she stared up the steps.
“Chlo, you don’t need to do this.” He reached for the bottle.
She held onto it tightly. “Tiffany said we all have little secrets. So, here is one of mine. Do you still want that chance with me? You may learn something about me tonight you won’t like.”
* * * *
Nick followed her up the steps to her room and she turned on the light. Nick had never been in a girl’s room before. This room was nothing like he thought Chloe’s would be. All the furniture was white and lacy, from the dressing table to the huge rod iron bed. It must have been her stepmother’s
doing, because scattered throughout the room were colorful scarves. There was an easel close to the window, with a painting on it, and paint lining a shelf close by.
Chloe went over and sat in the window set. Even though she was in mourning, she still looked pretty with the way she had pulled the sides of her hair back into a loose braid and let the rest fall freely. The tight black dress hugged her body modestly, showing off her curves. She watched him as he came over and sat next to her.
He took off his suit jacket and laid it on her bed, then reached for the bottle and took a swig from it. The liquid burned as it went down his throat. “Do you think it will work?” he asked, looking at the half-empty bottle and wondering how much of it she’d drank this week.
“It just makes me numb. I keep hoping it will help, but it doesn’t.”
“I think you’ve had enough of this,” he suggested and took the bottle away from her.
* * * *
Chloe just nodded and went back to looking out the window. She could feel the tingling in her body as the warm liquid took effect. That was what she got for not eating all day.
They sat in quiet for a long time; Nick just watched her stare out the window. Her eyes would get heavy, and then she would jump with a start and compose herself. Finally, she looked at him. “My mother died six years ago tonight. That’s another reason it was so hard for me to enter that room at first,” she stated. She closed her eyes to the memories but she had to get it out. It had eaten away at her for so long; maybe if she talked about it, somehow it would be easier.
“No one told me.” He watched her and seemed to wait for her to tell him more.
“Well, Robyn told you a little bit of the story. I didn’t kill her. I was ten. I didn’t know how to do anything like that. No one really knows the truth about what had happened here. My father doesn’t want that to get out. See, he is all about hiding things that make him look bad. That is kinda what he ‘s done with me. I’m to be seen and not heard,” she explained and took the bottle back from him. She took a big swig, wishing the liquid had burned like it had when she took the first drink. Now, it just left a nasty aftertaste.