Made Man Dante

by Liliana Rhodes

  His eyes dove into my own, and I knew he was trying to figure out the answer to the question I didn’t truthfully answer earlier. What aren’t you telling me? I could see it in his eyes, but the more I thought about it, the less I could tell him. He would never accept me if he knew the truth.

  As Dante helped me out of the car, an unfamiliar man stepped off the porch and headed towards us. He was dressed in dark jeans and a black button-down long-sleeved shirt. His dusty motorcycle boots thudded on the driveway as he approached. His shaggy dark blond hair brushed his forehead, and the thick stubble on his jaw added to his determined look.

  Sonny stepped in front of the large man, blocking him from reaching us as Dante pulled me close against him while reaching into his jacket for his gun. When it didn’t look like the man was going to stop, Sonny put his hand up against the stranger’s broad chest and pushed him back.

  Annoyed, the man looked down at Sonny. There was no fear in his eyes. As he wrapped his hand around Sonny’s wrist and removed his hand from his chest, his sleeve slid up a little, revealing the edge of a flame tattoo.

  “Do not touch me,” he grunted as he narrowed his eyes at Sonny. “I’m here alone. They can vouch for me.” He jerked his head towards the Gambino guards on the porch.

  “Why are you here, Jeremy?” Dante asked. “There was never any beef with you. Terry’s problem was with the Lords.”

  “And the Lords are pieces of shit. You know the Lost Rebels had nothing to do with them,” Jeremy said as he stepped around Sonny. “I’m here to talk to your ol’ lady. Alone. She deserves an apology for how they treated her.”

  “And why are you doing it?”

  “Because I disbanded the Lords when I took them over. It’s something I should’ve done sooner, and because of that you’ve got blood—”

  Dante raised his hand to silence Jeremy. Dante never told me what happened to Terry, but I knew he was involved. I didn’t like thinking about Dante killing Terry, but it was a truth I needed to accept. When it came down to it, it was either Terry or me.

  “I’ll talk to him,” I said.

  “You don’t have to,” Dante whispered.

  I couldn’t explain what it was about Jeremy, but I felt I could trust him. I didn’t know much about him or his talk about Lords or Rebels, but it seemed like he was trying to do the right thing. In that way, he reminded me of Dante.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Plus he’s not going to try something with all these guards around.”

  Dante nodded. “If you’re sure. I’ll be right inside.” He turned towards Jeremy, his eyes cold. “I hear one peep from her that even sounds remotely unhappy, and your Rebels will get you back in tiny pieces.”

  “Understood,” Jeremy said.

  “Gia,” Sonny said as he waved over a young, muscular man in a suit I hadn’t noticed before. “This is Jayden. He’s one of my associates. He’ll be stationed out here for the rest of the day. If you need anything, you give him the word and he’s there.”

  Jayden nodded once towards Sonny to say he understood. His dark hair fell onto his forehead and he pushed it back before returning to his station about ten feet away.

  As I watched Dante and Sonny head into the house, I fought an urge to run after them. Instead, I followed Jeremy as he returned to the porch and sat on one of the cushioned chairs.

  We were alone except for two guards standing by the driveway and Jayden standing by the side of the house. The guards on the driveway were also wearing suits, and one smoked a cigarette. Every so often they would glance back to check on me, but it didn’t make me feel any safer. If it hadn’t been for something in Jeremy’s eyes, I wouldn’t have agreed to hear his apology. Still, my nerves were raw and I was ready to run if I needed to.

  Seated next to me, Jeremy leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. His head hung down, but he tilted it to the side to look at me. He spoke quietly, just above a whisper as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear what he had to say to me.

  “I’m not here to apologize,” he said.

  My breath caught in my throat. If he had to lie to speak to me, I don’t want to know why he’s here, I thought. I edged away, ready to run, when his large hand closed around my wrist.

  “Stay,” he said. “I’m not going to hurt you. I only said what I said to them so I could talk to you.”

  “Why do you want to talk to me? I didn’t do anything,” I said.

  “Quiet. Keep it down or those goons over there will come over.”

  I nodded, not sure why I didn’t want the men protecting me to come over. I didn’t know why I didn’t run, but there was something in his eyes that kept telling me to trust him even when the rest of me wanted to get away.

  “I’m not like them,” Jeremy said. “I’m not like your man who grew up surrounded by all of money and craziness, or Sonny who will do anything for him. And I’d be the last person to say their way of life is wrong. I’ve made enough decisions in my own life to line me up with the worst of them.”

  He was quiet as he looked around, making sure we were still alone. Then he dropped his head again and spoke quietly.

  “You do deserve an apology,” he said. “But not from me, or any other club or gang or whatever the hell you want to call my people. What happened with your brother was unfortunate, but what’s worse is that guilt I know you’re feeling.”

  I sat back, my eyes widening. How did he know? I didn’t know what to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but the intensity in his face grew so I stayed quiet.

  “You’re not to blame for what happened. I knew Terry, and he was a fuck up. He was going to end up at the wrong end of a gun sooner or later. He got mixed up with the wrong people, had the wrong ideas,” he said, shrugging. “It happens.

  “But no matter how or why it happened, you shouldn’t take that blame,” he said. “Dante and all of them, they’re used to this. He doesn’t understand what you’re going through because he grew up with this. I’m not faulting him, I’m just telling you as someone who has experienced both sides would understand. For him, death is just another day.”

  “Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked. “I don’t understand why you’re here.”

  He scoffed. “Call it karma. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, and every so often I try to do something good to balance it out.”

  He was lying. He had to be. Searching his face, I tried to figure him out, but it was useless. I got as much from his face as I would staring at the wall.

  “I want to believe you, I want to let go of feeling so bad for what happened to Terry, but I can’t,” I said.

  “Listen to me, Gianna,” he said, and I was shocked to hear him use my full name. “I’ve been there, right where you are. And I’ve put other people in the place you’re at right now. You have to let it go or it’ll eat at you, that’s what guilt does. I’m not saying not to grieve for your brother, just see him for who he was and don’t take the blame for what happened.” He looked up as Dante stepped out the front door and onto the porch.

  “Everything okay here?” Dante asked.

  “I was just leaving,” Jeremy said as he stood up. He took a step off the porch and turned back to me. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  As he walked away, Dante sat beside me and took my hand.

  “You sure everything’s okay?” he asked.

  I watched Jeremy put his helmet on and throw his leg over his Harley. The roar of the engine broke the silence of the calm day.

  Thinking about what he had just said, I knew he was right. I had to let go of my guilt and just be glad I was still alive. Terry had done some horrible things to me and others, but instead of focusing on that, I would try to remember the good brother I once had.

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Everything’s fine.”

  “That’s good,” Dante said, his brow wrinkling slightly as he watched Jeremy leave. “You have some family in there asking for you. And some guy who is acting like your best friend.
I think he said his name is Ron.”

  I held my breath and tried to steady myself as a chill ran through me. Somehow in my brief conversation with Jeremy, I completely forgot about what was waiting inside the house for me.

  Dante stood, still holding my hand, and I followed him into the house. Voices echoed down the hall as we approached the family room. My family was always loud, too loud if you asked me. They were notorious for holding multiple conversations at once, with one person speaking over the other. I had hoped they’d tone it down since they were meeting someone new. I should have known better.

  As we passed the library, a deep voice I had become familiar with boomed from inside.

  “There’s my girl!”

  I turned into the library as Dante’s father stepped out from around his desk. Several men were in the library with him, seated in front of his desk, but I didn’t recognize them. Dante’s father was an attractive man with thick grey hair. Whenever I saw him, he always made me feel warm and welcomed as if I was already part of the family.

  “Hi, Mr. Gambino,” I said.

  “Now what did I say?” he said with a tilt of his head.

  “Papa,” I said shyly.

  I wasn’t used to calling someone that other than my own father, but John Gambino was a hard man to say no to. He hugged me so tight, I worried I wouldn’t be able to breathe. As he hugged me, he whispered in my ear.

  “I’m so sorry about your loss, Gianna. For both your Momma and your brother. It’s difficult to lose those we love. If you ever need anything, just say the word.”

  “Thank you, Papa.”

  He kissed both my cheeks before returning to his desk chair. As I reached Dante where he stood in the doorway, he slipped his arm around my shoulders.

  “Dante, can you come in?” Papa said. “I’d like you to meet some friends of mine.”

  Dante looked at me, then towards the family room where the Carlisis were having the time of their lives. I nodded to him to let him know I didn’t mind. As he entered the library, another man closed the door behind him.

  Entering the family room, I did a quick sweep of the crowd, hoping to spot my sister Mimi before anyone else noticed me. The room felt smaller than usual with my brothers and sisters and their families in it. Most of them were serving themselves from a long table that had been set up with food.

  Toni, Dante’s sister, was speaking with my brother Richie and his wife. My sister Lola was running after her two children, who weren’t listening to her. One of Dante’s brothers I hadn’t met yet was deep in conversation with my brother Johnny, and Mimi was standing by herself near the black baby grand piano in the corner close to the glass wall facing the ocean.

  Mimi was wearing a little black dress and looked a little too pretty for someone mourning the death of her brother. As she flipped her glossy hair back, it spilled over her shoulders in dark brown waves. I was so angry at her for bringing Ron there that my first thought was to yank her hair, and I probably would have if I thought it would get me anywhere. Instead, I made a beeline over to her, grabbed her by the arm, and pulled her aside.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I said.

  “What? I’m just standing here admiring your boyfriend’s stuff,” she said as she dragged a perfectly manicured finger along the edge of the piano. “Does he have any single brothers?”

  “Aren’t you engaged?”

  “Oh no, things didn’t work out with Charlie. I did get to keep the ring though. Another addition to my collection,” she said, grinning. “What crawled up your butt?”

  “You brought Ron here,” I said, speaking slowly, hoping she understood.

  “Oh yes, him. I ran into him a few months back and we kept in touch. I remember how much you used to like him, so why not invite him along?”

  “You know why. He’s my ex-boyfriend! And after what I told you, too. I trusted you, but you weren’t there for me when I needed you.”

  “Oh that? Please! You were always so dramatic. Besides, it’s not all about you. He remembers Terry. Ron deserves to grieve too, you know.”

  I should have yanked her hair.

  Giving up on her, I looked around the room and finally spotted Ron through the glass, sitting on the deck. His hair was greased back and his scalp showed through his thinning black hair. The sun competed between reflecting off his hair and the large gold chain around his neck. In his hand was a glass with an amber liquid, and on the table next to him was a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue he stole from the Gambino liquor cabinet.

  Seeing Ron brought back everything from the past–the things I didn’t want to deal with, the secrets I kept, the shame I had. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that Ron was one of the reasons I joined the convent.

  I spent the past five years avoiding all mention and memory of him, but there he was, lounging on a deck chair less than twenty feet from me. Looking at him, I realized I had two choices. I could do what I really wanted to, which was run away and hide, or I could step outside and face him.

  I slid open the glass door and stepped onto the deck. The humid air felt heavy after the air conditioned indoors. Ron turned towards the door and once he recognized me, a wide smile spread across his face.

  “Gianna Carlisi! Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said, standing up.

  He walked over and hugged me tight, ignoring how tense my body was or that I didn’t hug him back or even smile. My throat was dry and tight and my heart decided to take residence there as it thudded loudly, looking for escape.

  “Why are you here?” I demanded, not caring that I was being rude. He was lucky he couldn’t hear what I really wanted to say but didn’t have the guts to.

  “Is that how you treat me after all these years? What’s it been? Three, four years?”

  “Five.” You ass! I thought.

  “Well, you look just as beautiful.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” I said. Screw you!

  I had years of anger towards this man, but now that he was in front of me, I couldn’t get the words out. I dreamed of telling him off, of saying something to finally stand up for the meek teenaged girl he knew years ago. Now was my chance to do that, but nothing came out.

  “I remember the day you broke my heart,” he said, sitting back down and pouring more scotch into his glass. “Do you remember it? I’m sure you don’t.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “See, you don’t remember,” he said, sounding disappointed. “The day I proposed to you.”

  “You mean the day you came by my house weeks after I had broken up with you and you gave me that ring that looked like it came out of a Cracker Jack’s box?”

  “It was a beautiful ring. And it was all I could afford. I was never rich like your man Gambino here. I should’ve known that’s what you really wanted. And all this time I thought Mimi was the shallow Carlisi sister. Guess I was wrong.”

  My hand clenched into a fist, but I pushed it down by my side. The skin on my face burned and I took a few slow, deep breaths as I tried to calm myself down.

  “I remember everything, Ron. Everything.”

  “I had a lot of problems back then, you know,” he said, his watery brown eyes looking for sympathy. “But I’m better now. I’m glad your sister invited me here. I’ve never forgotten about you. And I’ve never loved anyone else like I loved you.”

  You fucking son of a bitch, how can you act like this? How can you act like I was some great love of yours after what you did?

  “You know what? You have some balls showing up here,” I said, surprised at what came out of my mouth. “After what you did? And after that you acted like it was nothing? Do you have any idea what I went through?”

  Ron’s jaw clenched and his face reddened. His eyes narrowed, and for a moment my breath caught in my throat as I relived a memory from long ago. Ice ran down my spine and I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. He leaned back in his chair, balancing its back legs, looking smug.

  “I guess
I made you the fucking slut you were always meant to be. Good thing you went to that convent, you needed all that extra cleansing.”

  My fist was still clenched, and it flew out and met his jaw, throwing him off balance and tipping the chair over. Without thinking, I pushed his chair out of the way as he stumbled to get up. It felt so good to hit him, I wanted to do it again.

  Sonny appeared out of nowhere, came up behind me, and put his hands on my shoulders.

  “Go inside,” he said, his voice stern.

  “Oh, you gonna have one of your goons take care of me?” Ron said as I walked towards the door. “Is that what happened to Terry? Your brother cramp your style?”

  I turned around to see Sonny holding Ron against the patio table with his arms behind his back. Sonny gave me a look that I knew demanded I go into the house, but I had enough of running and I was done with feeling guilty for Terry.

  “Terry took care of himself and only himself. You don’t know anything, and you never did,” I said. “I hated you for so long. There were so many times I wished you were dead for what you did to me and how you made me feel. You’re lucky I’m not a different person because if I was anyone else, I would’ve kicked your sorry ass.”

  “Your fat ass couldn’t kick a donut,” he said, cackling.

  He was drunk. I knew it, but it didn’t matter. Sonny stood Ron up, still holding his arms behind his back. I thought of those movies where the heroine tosses a drink in the man’s face, but what good would that do? He already stunk of booze.

  I eyed Ron and wondered how many more years he would haunt me. How long would I have to deal with the shame? He grinned at me and licked his lips. My memories flooded back with all the pain, shame, and guilt. Without thinking, I swiftly pulled my knee up into his groin.

  Ron doubled over in pain and Sonny let him drop onto the deck face first. Sonny’s face was serious, but in his eyes I thought I saw a glimmer of pride. He winked, and I knew I did the right thing.

  As I entered the house, Dante came out of the library with his father and rushed over to me. My heart was still racing and blood pumped through my body like it never had before. I felt my body vibrating like it did right after an orgasm. I never felt more alive.