Starting From Broken

by F. T. Zele

  Funny thing is, she isn’t seeing anyone seriously. That doesn’t mean she isn’t doing anyone, just not regularly. Sophie has never been one to get tied down. Maybe if she found that one person, she could stop worrying about me and accept the new me.

  “I don’t do that, do I?” The smirk she’s sporting says she knows exactly what she does. “Fine, just a girls’ night . . . drinks and gossip,” she says as she rolls her eyes and links her arm with mine as we head out of my office.

  Once we get to Jade Bar and Lounge, we walk inside and take a seat at an empty spot at the back bar.

  “What can I get you, ladies?” a tall, incredibly hot, young bartender asks us. Someone I can guarantee Sophie would love to sink her claws into.

  “I’ll take a Moscato, and Sophie here would love a—”

  “I’ll take a vodka on the rocks with a little club soda, please. Thank you,” Sophie cuts me off, practically purring as she barely manages to get out her order.

  We sit, sipping our drinks in silence until I break it. “So, what have you been up to? It’s been a while.”

  “You know, the usual. Work, been hanging out with Jen because I can’t seem to get you out, ever. I wish you would come out more.”

  “I know you do. I’m always so busy, working all day buying media and then planning these trips for the practice to go on. It’s time-consuming, but I don’t have anyone else who knows what to do,” I say as something, or someone, catches my attention out of the corner of my eye.

  My wandering eyes stop as the rarest golden eyes lock with my own, and then I notice dark, tousled hair with a hint of stubble covering his cheeks and jawline. My mouth defies me as it curves into a small smile. His picture-perfect profile is like none I have seen before. My breath catches, and it instantly gets warm sitting here. I return my gaze to my drink before Sophie catches on and spots what I see.

  Sophie and I have completely different tastes. She is into the bad boy type. You know, dangerously good looks, cocky, never really wants your name, just a good time. I, on the other hand, have always been attracted to the more conservative type— a guy who looks great in a suit, cleans up nicely, and sets aspirations for himself.

  I attempt to focus on the conversation with Sophie, but with losing sight of the mystery guy, I’m finding it hard to concentrate on her words. Every couple of seconds, my eyes drift away, trying to catch a glimpse of the guy who, for the first time since Jacob’s death, has held a fraction of my attention.

  The visual appeal was a perfect blend of serious heart-stopping good looks combined with someone who looks like he knows how to command a room full of people, which is kind of intimidating since I have no interest in being commanded, but somehow I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He is not hard to notice. As I look around the bar, I can see which women have noticed him, as their heads are turning in the direction of where he has disappeared.

  “Hey, earth to Liz. Have you heard anything I have said to you in the last two minutes?”

  “Yeah. No, I’m sorry. I’m horrible company. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks planning the trip. I pushed hard to get everything done in time.” I fake a yawn so I don’t draw attention to where my eyes have been occupied.

  “You know what? Let’s call it a night. You’re tired, and I need to do some laundry for tomorrow. I’ll take you back to your car.”

  “Sounds good. Sorry, I wasn’t all peppy. This project has drained every bit of energy I had,” I say, taking my time to get up and hoping I can steal one more glance of him before I return to my mundane life.

  After we pay, we head toward the front. Just before we make it out the doors, I see him shaking hands with someone. I walk past him slowly, sparing every second I have. Once the doors to the outside are open, I turn around and look one last time and find him keeping his eyes focused on me as I walk out the doors.

  As fun as this little eye candy break has been, it’s best I get back to the house and forget about playing around with the idea that I will ever get my moment of redemption for my life. The guilt that consumes me, as I take a little longer looking back at him, stabs my heart. I feel all sorts of wrong, even thinking about another guy.

  After we make it back to my car, I drive home, feeling very strange about this mystery guy. I don’t know how else to explain it, but there was this weird air that passed by me when we locked eyes. It wasn’t just his good looks, though. Something else happened.

  I crawl onto Jacob’s side of the bed, and for the first time in two years, I feel dirty sleeping on this side knowing I can’t stop thinking about this mystery man. It feels like I’m cheating on Jacob. There is only one soul mate out there for everyone, and I lost mine, so I don’t really feel like there is another special someone out there for me.

  As I wrap myself as tight as I can in his old shirt, I feel constricted under this fabric, like if I let go of the hem of the shirt, I let him go. Something doesn’t feel right as I lie here with my head on Jacob’s pillow, trying my hardest to fall asleep thinking about him, when all I can think about is the color gold.

  I toss and turn for God knows how long, trying to get in the same comfortable position as I always do, but it’s not happening. I can’t smell his scent anymore on the collar of his shirt, and it freaks me out. He is slipping farther and farther away from me. The days have turned into months and eventually years and have washed away things I used to see, hear, and smell. It’s fading, and I don’t know how to get it back.

  I kick the sheets off my legs and sit up as I rest my head in my hands. I breathe deeply and get up to make myself some tea, hoping the warmth will lull me back to sleep. Walking into the kitchen, I grab the kettle, fill it up, and turn on the stove eye. The second the kettle starts whistling, I make my cup and take it to my room, get into my bed, and turn on some soft music. This time I lie on my side of the bed; something I haven’t done since his death. It’s time to stop trying to convince myself he’s just on a trip, that he is actually gone, for good.

  I put it all out of my mind as I sink into my pillows, and the last thing I remember seeing before I fall asleep is Jacob waving goodbye to me in a sendoff, like he’s finally giving me permission to move on and live. Now, I just have to figure out how I hold on to his memory and start over again without feeling guilty.

  I wake up feeling different, like I’m finally ready to take the steps I need to start my life over for me. I get some crazy notion to try something new. Grabbing my computer, I look up yoga studios in my area, thinking I’m finally going to work out and get back into shape. Take care of myself both inside and out. I find a place and check out their site and call Sophie to see if she wants to try a class with me, but she doesn’t answer. Shit, well, I’m not about to make of fool of myself alone. Maybe I will settle for a run around the block.

  I get dressed and head out. You might think a block is not big deal, but as I round the first corner, I have to slow down. Fuck, the cramp that is consuming my side is making it hard to breathe. Maybe I should have stretched or something before I set off on my whole big revelation of trying to be a fitness guru. I know nothing about this crap. I walk the rest of the way back to my place.

  Once I’m home, I take a relaxing shower and get ready for my usual day at the office. I really love my job, but working there hasn’t been the same. It’s like everyone walks on eggshells around me, thinking if they say one wrong thing I’ll crack and all my pieces will fall to the floor, exposed. I make the decision to stop and grab some bagels for the office as some sort of signal that I’m okay and things are finally starting to work themselves out in my head.

  Once I’m in the office and in our tiny break room, I spread out the platter I picked up and call Jen, my assistant, from the phone intercom in there.

  “Hey, Jen?”

  “Yes, Liz?”

  “Can you let the others know I’ve picked up some bagels and have put them in the break room for everyone to enjoy?” I ask.

  “Is this you Liz? Is every
thing okay?”

  “Yes, this is me. Everything’s fine. I thought I would do something nice for everyone.” I’m sick of people around here treating me like a porcelain doll. I’m fine. I want to go back to being Liz, the fun, sane one in the office. “Can you please just let the others know? I’m headed to my office now,” I say as I shake my head and hang up the phone. Sheesh, I can’t even do something nice without everybody thinking something is wrong with me.

  I sit down and grab the first file off my desk and am just about to open it when a picture of Sophie and me catches my eye. I think of what a horrible friend I’ve been to her and how much I’ve put her through with my crazy stunts and completely isolating myself from anybody who has shown me support through the last two years.

  I pick up the phone and try again to reach her. Her phone rings once, and she picks up instantly.

  “Hey, Liz. You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Hey, I know I’ve been a shitty friend lately, and I’m sorry. Sorry it has taken me two years to see that. So, tonight drinks are on me. You free?” I say, hoping she can feel the smile that’s radiating off my face through the phone.

  “My god, Liz, you haven’t been a shitty friend, and have I ever been one to turn down drinks with my best friend, ever?”

  “Nope, not that I can remember. So, meet you at Jade after work, say around six?”

  “Sounds like a plan and Liz . . .”

  “Yeah?”

  “Welcome back, sweets. I’ve missed you so much. Love ya. See you later.” And with that, she hangs up. Feeling good, I kick ass in my work and actually get it done way faster than I normally do. It shocks me as to how bad I was getting that I made sure to drag my work out, not having anything to look forward to and making sure I tried to take as much time as I could to finish things so I didn’t have to go home to an empty house any earlier than I wanted to.

  Pushing all those depressing thoughts out of my mind, I fly through the day and get out of the office the same time as everyone else. I get smiles and pats on the back as I walk to my car, and it’s strange, but I just go with it.

  I valet my car and head into the bar, not seeing Sophie yet. I shoot her a text that I’m here and to meet me at the back bar when she gets here. Secretly, I look around the place, hoping for some strange reason the same guy would be here. I know it’s crazy, and it’s not like I want to talk to him or anything like that. Just maybe I can stare for a bit and imagine what it would be like to feel a connection with someone again. I haven’t felt close to anybody I used to know and not having parents around to lean on has been hard.

  Since I am the product of the foster care system, I don’t truly have that one forever family I always dreamed of. That’s why when I married Jacob, life finally felt real. I grasped onto the family aspect of marriage and held on tightly, never wanting to lose my grip on it. It seems as though losing the ones I know as my family will always be the way my life goes.

  I’m brought out of my hazy thoughts as Sophie takes a seat next to me.

  “Sorry, I’m late. Damn traffic is a nightmare right now. Stupid Los Angeles traffic for you. Ooh, look, it’s the same bartender as last night. Have you ordered yet?” she asks as she pops out her chest a little more than a normal posture and undoes one of the buttons on her blouse.

  “Nope, not yet. Was waiting for you. I’m gonna order a glass of wine,” I say as I sit back and watch Sophie effortlessly flirt with the man behind the bar. I don’t know how she does it. If I were to do what she’s doing, I would fumble, better yet, I would sound like someone reading a script. I have never been one who could just let what I feel flow off my tongue. I have a hard enough time expressing my feelings as it is. God, how am I ever going to survive?

  “So, what’s going on? What is this impromptu girls’ night out? Is everything all right?” Sophie asks as she sips her drink, staring at me with concern written on her face.

  “I’m fine, sheesh. I seem to be getting asked that a lot today. I just wanted to hang out with you. I’m sick of sitting at home alone, looking at everything in that house that reminds me of the life I lost. I’m fucking miserable there,” I say as I toss back the rest of the wine that is in my glass. I signal the bartender and point to my glass, needing a refill. He nods and grabs the bottle, stopping at one of the small standard fills. “Yeah. No, fill it up, so you don’t have to keep coming back. Thanks.”

  “Liz, I know how miserable you are at home. Why do you think I always try to get you out of there? You weren’t ready, so I backed off. You know I’m always around, and anything you need I’m available. I hate seeing you this way.”

  “That way. I’m done with hiding from life. I just need my friend and some girl time. I’m coming around, I swear. Baby steps.”

  “Nice! So, let’s baby step with some male company—”

  “Not at all what I was thinking. Do you ever give it a rest? You’re going to push it too far, and I’m not ready for that. Let’s just have fun,” I cut her off.

  “Fine, suit yourself. More for me anyway,” she says, turning her head with her hair intensely whipping around. Fuck, if she couldn’t be any more dramatic.

  We chat for a while about work and what else is new with her job. Since nothing is different with me because I have been in this hole for the last two years of my life, I do a lot of listening. Before I know it, it’s midnight, and I’m pretty beat. Not seeing my mystery guy, I end up calling it a night. I do, in fact, ask for some very much-needed help.

  “So, I was wondering if you would be able to come by my house. I think after two years it’s time for a change. Everything in the house is the same, and I can’t walk in without being reminded of my past life. I need to finally clean out some stuff and change it up. What do you think?” I ask, knowing I won’t be able to do this on my own.

  “Do you even need to ask? Of course. You just tell me when, and we can make a day of it,” Sophie says as she reaches over, putting her hand on top of mine and gently giving it a squeeze.

  I feel more comfortable with trying to change things, understanding I don’t have to discard everything that symbolizes Jacob or I would end up throwing away everything. I just know that keeping his clothes in the closet like he’s going to come back and wear them is nuts.

  After Sophie pays and leaves hottie bartender a huge tip accompanied by her phone number, we walk out to the front, handing the valet our tickets to get our cars. Once our cars arrive, I give her a hug and promise to call her soon so we can start clearing things out. She hops into her car, which is in front of mine, and I wave her off before getting into mine.

  All of a sudden, a loud engine comes revving up behind me, catching my attention. Out hops the one and only mysterious guy I was secretly upset not seeing. As he tosses the keys to the parking attendant, I’m frozen in place. Our eyes instantly connect like magnets. The hold is strong, and I can’t break away from it. Waves of tingles run down my skin, as the intensity only increases. Nervous if I look away, I’m afraid I might miss out on seeing him again. He takes a step closer to me, and I panic inside not knowing what is happening, anticipating the moment I have dreamed about since I first saw him.

  Then my moment comes crashing down, like a record on a record player making a scratchy abrupt halt. A barely legal-looking curvaceous blonde, with a dress so short I don’t know if it even constitutes as a dress, jumps out of the passenger side of the car, running up to him and wrapping her arms around his neck like she just won a prize. He snakes an arm around her waist. Her fake giggle is like fingernails on a chalkboard. High-pitched and damn desperate, if you ask me. I feel awkward as he burns holes through me with his eyes, never breaking contact, all while holding some girl. I shake my head, disappointed at myself for looking that long at him when he obviously has someone else. I quickly get into my car and take off.

  As I mentally beat myself up for being wrong, I question the attraction I thought I felt with him. Was it all one-sided? Was I imagining this unexplained c
onnection I thought we both had? I mean, I have been in a hole for the past two years. I’m pretty much out of the loop. I have no clue how anything with the opposite sex works. Jacob and I were married at twenty-one after being high school sweethearts. I’ve never dated anybody other than him. Sure, I might have had little school crushes before him, but have never dated anybody else seriously. Still, I’m confused as to why I’m feeling so infatuated with a guy I don’t even know.

  Once I get home, I clear my head with a long, hot bath, using some unopened lavender oils. The bottle guarantees extreme relaxation, so it seems legit. It can’t hurt. The most that can happen is I smell good afterward.

  When the water turns cold, I wrap a towel around myself, dry off, and pick out some pajamas. It’s time to break the habit. I slip on a pair I used to love, but now feels stiff and scratchy. How in the hell did I ever wear these? I have never been one to wear lacy, skimpy bedroom attire to bed. I’m most comfortable when I’m covered. I have never truly felt very sexy, ever. I’m sure I snore like one of those tiny dogs that does that whole reverse sneeze thing, so sounding like a pig wearing suggestive clothing has never been my thing.

  Once I get used to the discomfort of the clothes, I hop into bed and get as comfortable as I possibly can without having to break out the Benadryl and fall asleep.

  Sophie is coming over today. I slept in, hoping it would make me feel slightly refreshed after staying out late with her. I enjoyed our time out, and I’m glad she has continued to support me and hasn’t judged me for the way I’ve handled things in my life. I know today is going to be mentally exhausting, so I caffeinate first.

  I make my way to the coffee shop, and once I’m inside, I order my regular drink, a hazelnut latte with a triple shot of espresso, and sit down and check my emails before it’s ready. I see everything is running smoothly in Africa for Operation Healthy Smile, and I can’t help but feel Jacob’s smile, as I know he’s looking down on me, proud that I didn’t stop his campaign.