Starting From Broken

by F. T. Zele

  “I’m not scared! I just don’t have time for this.” She gestures with her hands between the two of us. “This is a huge conflict. You and I are so different. I’m not what you normally go for, and that’s fine. I don’t want to be your little experiment to see what I’m all about.”

  “So, we aren’t cut from the same cloth. Hell, I don’t even know what kind of cloth you are. You are so cut off from life that you refuse to have a little fun and just go with things. Why do you need certain reasons for everything you do? What a fucking boring life. I just wanted to show you there’s more out there. Stop hiding and feel for once.” Breathing in and out quickly, I try to catch my breath since I spat that out before I could take a second to think about what I was saying.

  “Well, since you have me so figured out already, this is obviously settled,” she responds, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She doesn’t look like she’s going to budge. I pushed too hard.

  “Did you not hear one word I said? Stop being so stubborn!” The only way I’m going to shut her up is if I get close to her. She seems to get tongue-tied when I’m close, so it’s time to use that to my advantage. I take a couple of steps closer until I see her body tighten. Yes, just where I want her. This next part will be easy.

  “You act like you didn’t enjoy when I had my mouth all over you. You can’t hide it, and why would you want to? I fucking loved it, and you bet your ass I’m going to do it again. You won’t want to run this time.” Seriously, that was one of the best speeches I have ever given. I know that because I never have to do all this convincing crap.

  “You can’t—”

  I cut her off from being allowed to protest by crashing my mouth to hers and holding the sides of her face so she can’t get away from me this time. Plunging my tongue into her mouth, I make sure it’s the best fucking kiss she has ever had, because this is my one chance.

  Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pick her up and carry her to the couch without taking my mouth off hers. Laying her down as gently as I can, I do what any asshole like me would do—I rip her shirt open, not giving a fuck if I ruin it or not. I’ll buy her a new one if I have to.

  “My shirt!” she says, giggling, and the sound of her laughter brings me to my knees, making this more than just some conquest.

  “I’ll get you a new one, but right now, I need to see you. Hold still.” I rake my eyes up and down her sun-kissed flawless skin. The sight makes the blood pump ferociously down to my growing hardness.

  My breath catches in my throat as I look at her, never seeing anything as perfect as her. My hunger grows as the need to taste her consumes me. Trying hard not to frighten her, I take my time, but it’s proving to be difficult. I kiss her again, continuing the desire by not stopping for a second, only making sure there is no way she can tell me stop. Pulling her bra down and exposing her bare breast, I roll her already hardened nipple between my thumb and finger. Watching her back arch with the contact pushes me further, and when a tiny moan escapes her lips, I fall to pieces.

  “I asked you before, now tell me, when was the last time someone touched you, Liz?” By the way the smallest touch makes her crumble, it’s been a while.

  “Braxton, don’t ask.” Quietly speaking with her lust-filled eyes, she refuses to tell me.

  “It’s okay, tell me.” Bringing my mouth to her chest, I flick her nipple with my tongue, making her suck in a breath.

  “Too long.” Fuck me. This is getting good. I can do whatever I want, and she won’t be able to stop, knowing how needy her body is.

  I reach down to her pants and make quick work of the button, while ensuring to drag out bringing the zipper down. Keeping her on the tips of her toes, I make her wait in anticipation for the very moment I take off these fucking pants.

  “This is your chance to back out again. You wanna run?” Gliding my tongue down her chest, I tease her so she can’t say no. It would be a huge mistake for her to say no, knowing I will take this girl places she has never dreamed of.

  She shakes her head slightly, and I’m not completely convinced. I have to hear her say it. I need the words to come out of that pretty fucking mouth of hers.

  “Say it. Tell me you don’t want me to stop.”

  Hearing this makes her uncomfortable. She isn’t vocal with what she wants, but I’m planning on changing that. I crave the words. I don’t like things quiet; louder is always better.

  “Don’t stop?” she says the words as a question. Is this chick for real? Has she never dirty talked? It makes me hot getting her all flustered and unable to talk because I’m in her head that deep, but it’s also making me feel like this is a mistake. She may be one of those girls that will get clingy with me. That always results in me no longer having any interest. Since I’m already here, and she is finally going to let me get physically close to her, I just go with it. I’ll let her down another time. Can’t waste an opportunity like this.

  “Say it like you mean it. You can do that for me, right?”

  “Shut up and keep going.”

  Not perfect, but it’s a start. At least she didn’t try to cover her face this time after saying something remotely sexual to me. I guide her back until she is lying on the couch and inhale deeply while I take in every inch of her. Needing to see more, I grab the bottom of her pants and pull them quickly, tossing them until they are in a pile on the floor.

  Dragging my fingertips up her legs, I feel the goose bumps that cover her skin while my mind memorizes every inch of her, knowing I’m torturing myself by only allowing this to happen once. I don’t do repeats; I’ve learned my lesson there, and I certainly won’t let her see what I hide so perfectly.

  Using my finger, I trace the outside of her panties, giving her a little bit of time to accept that’s where I’m headed. She wants it; I can tell by the wetness that is soaking the tiny piece of fabric. I tease her already waiting sex, lightly rubbing her most sensitive spot while watching her body jerk with each stroke.

  Leaning down, I whisper into her ear, “I can’t wait to taste you, but not yet. First, let’s get you out of the rest of your clothes. I want to see all of you when you come for me.” She shivers once, and I attack her mouth with mine, making sure to show her exactly what I’m going to do with my tongue in other places.

  Control.

  I keep repeating the word in my head, but the second her tiny fingers grab my hair on the back of my head pulling me closer to her, I freeze. I lose all sense of the control I thought I had, and she now has the power, and I can’t fucking hide it. I might be doing this for selfish reasons, but if that were completely true, I would’ve fucked her already and been out that door. I wouldn’t be so concerned about showing her what it is to feel beautiful. I need her to feel what I see.

  I make some lame excuse in my head that her feeling beautiful will give her the strength to go out there and find a guy that isn’t like me. Grabbing her hands, I pin them above her head so she can’t touch me like that again because I’m sure to collapse if she does.

  Once the rest of her clothes are off, I glide my tongue down her entire body, stopping before I get the only taste of her I will allow myself. Inhaling her sweet scent while silently cursing myself that this is wrong, I make my move, going for the spot I know will make her cave. She tastes sweeter than I thought possible. Red flags go up in my head, and I know I have to make her come because I’m in way over my head.

  Sucking hard, I feel her body start to tense, and I know she’s about to go. I slide one finger into her tight pussy, which sends her over the edge as barely audible moans pour out of her mouth. Then in true asshole fashion, knowing I need to blow my load so I can get away from this fucking spell she has me under, I flip her over and lift her stomach until she’s on her knees. Reaching into my pocket, I grab a condom and slide it on quickly.

  I bury myself deep inside her without any warning. Being rougher than I intended, I feel her still pulsing, sucking me in deeper. Thrusting harder and faster with each move,
I get closer to ending this shit. I close my eyes and see her face, her timid eyes, and her sexy lips, and that’s all it takes. I empty myself, and with a couple of extra thrusts to keep in the back of my memory for a bad night, I still and take a deep breath before I pull out of her.

  The second I break away, I feel cold and empty. I know I’m a piece of shit, but I didn’t think I could ever feel this fucking wrong about anything. However, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do for my mom and me. I can’t risk losing everything now, but the fucked-up part is Liz just ruined me.

  I rest for a moment before I ask her, unable to look at her, “Where is your bathroom?”

  “Down the hall and to your left, second door.” Her face is still buried in a pillow, and I can’t begin to think about the thoughts running through her head.

  I find the right door and lock it behind me once I’m inside. I turn on the water and splash some on my face to wake me from this dangerous trance. I grab a towel on the counter, dry my face, and then grab some tissue to wrap around the used rubber. As I throw it into the trash, a crumpled piece of paper catches my eye. I’m normally never one to sneak around and read other people’s stuff, but my curiosity gets the best of me. I unwrinkle it and read the words on the paper.

  Sasha,

  The last couple of months with you have been nothing short of amazing. I finally felt like I was living again. You give me a reason to want to wake up in the mornings. I never knew I could feel this way again. We are going to be together, I promise. Once I figure out how to let Liz down gently, we can be together. I might not be in love with her anymore, but I still do love her and don’t want to hurt her. Just give me a couple of months to sort this out. When I get back from Africa, I will straighten everything out, so we can spend our lives together. I love you, and I hope you trust me when I say we will be together.

  Jacob

  Rage surges through me as this small glimpse into Liz’s world fucking guts me. Never in a million years does the name Sasha bring up so many flashes of memories. I remember conversations from before and am certain this couldn’t be the same girl, but it is.

  Once I exit the bathroom, I make the decision to tell Liz a lie to pacify her and put anything off that needs to be dealt with. I need to get out of here before I do something stupid and hold her because I feel fucking horrible for what I’m about to do and what she’s been going through.

  As I enter the living room, she is still lying on the couch, but has grabbed the blanket off the back of it and has wrapped it around herself.

  “Liz, you’re good, right? I’ve got to do something at the bar. I hate to leave, but it’s important. Call you later?” I lie, having no desire to call her until I sort my shit out.

  “Yeah, I didn’t expect you to stay or anything,” she lies. I can see it in her eyes, and it’s killing me, but I have to go.

  “Okay.” I walk out the door, proving to her everything she thought she already knew about me to be true.

  I drive to Jade, not wanting to go home, doing something in my office until I can get a grip.

  It took me a while to get off the couch after Braxton left like nothing was wrong with what he was doing. I should have known that would happen. I’m an idiot for thinking he would have stayed for a moment after. I lay there, motionless, wishing I wasn’t as affected as I was, hoping I was just being a girl with stupid emotions running through me, and needing a moment to process what just happened.

  He was the first person I had ever let touch me other than Jacob, and I don’t know why I thought it was going to be different. I should have stopped it when I saw the conflict in his eyes, like I was something that was tearing into his logical thinking. It was there, and I pushed it to the back of my head, praying it wasn’t. I wanted to pretend for one second I was desired. I haven’t felt wanted in so long, and at that point, I would have done anything for that.

  Knowing now it wasn’t what I thought throws me back to my darkest times. I thought there was some connection there. I didn’t want to be just some whore that was fucked and thrown to the wolves, but I was.

  It’s been three days since that night, and I haven’t heard a word from him. I knew deep down he would do this to me, but I wanted him to prove me wrong, hoping I was just some paranoid crazy who was untrusting after the shit storm I was put through. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

  My alarm sounds, signaling I need to get up to start my day. Too bad I’ve already been up for a while. I roll over and swipe my phone, silencing the noise that keeps reminding me I should be asleep.

  I go through my morning activities on autopilot. Everything I do is predictable, and I could do this all with my eyes closed. Same oatmeal for breakfast, same brand of orange juice. Nothing out of my comfort zone, nothing to throw off my day.

  Since it’s Monday, I arrive at work before my normal time, throwing myself into my job, hoping I’ll get busy and it will ease my mind from remembering Braxton and his mouth. The one thing I can’t get out of my memory is when he finally entered me, and I felt absolute bliss for a moment. Giving that away to anybody is something I’ve never done. I would like to think you are something special if I let you in, and it makes me shudder in disgust for believing I would eventually be in a happier time in my life. I got so carried away in this façade that is Braxton.

  I don’t even know his damn last name.

  Embarrassment wins over, and I drop my head to my crossed arms on my desk, inhaling some sort of clarity I can’t find. I work through lunch, hoping I can do something productive, but that never comes since I can’t seem to focus on anything today. I’ve got to get out of here. I need a break, and I need to talk to Sophie to hear her tell me everything is fine and this type of thing happens all the time. That it’s just some shit I’ll have to get over and move past.

  I decide to shoot her a text, praying she is free to do a late lunch.

  Me: Can you do a late lunch? Please!

  I tap my pen on my desk while I wait for her response. What fun would it be to drown my sorrows all alone in greasy food?

  Sophie: Can you give me about 20 mins to finish up here? Then I’m free.

  Me: Sure, wanna meet me at the café on Third Street?

  Sophie: Sounds like a plan. See you soon <3

  I let out a sigh of relief, but instantly get nervous about telling her what happened. I don’t ever want to disappoint her. I know she was rooting for me to move on, but I’m sure my stupid predicament isn’t what she had imagined for me.

  Leaving my desk a mess, I toss my phone into my purse and grab my keys. I don’t feel like cleaning up, and truly, I have no order right now, so why get frustrated in another project that will go downhill? I close my office and walk by Jen’s desk.

  “I’m done for the day. If you need me, you know where to reach me.”

  “Will do, have a good night.”

  Making the decision to walk to the restaurant since I have time to spare and it’s close to my office, I head out, trusting a little fresh air will do me some good and wake me out of this daze. I walk slowly, going over in my head what and how I’m going to tell Sophie. She might think my situation is funny at first since this is the only time I’ve had to deal with anything like this.

  I would be lying if I said that as every white car passes me I didn’t wish for one to be Braxton, wanting it to be him and have him jump out and tell me how much of an asshole he is and how sorry he is and begging for my forgiveness that he doesn’t deserve. I blame this whole thing on myself. I knew what line I was crossing. He told me countless times he’s an asshole, and I should have believed him.

  Having all the mental beating I can take, I look up and realize I’m standing in front of the café. After I grab a table for two outside on the patio, I wait for Sophie while I scan the menu.

  “Hey, sweetie, sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get off the phone. Have you ordered yet?”

  “No, I haven’t been here long,” I answer, not taking my eyes off t
he menu because I’m scared the second I look at her I’ll break down.

  “So, what’s this impromptu lunch about? I know there’s a reason. Out with it,” she cuts right to the chase.

  “Let’s order first. You need to be prepared for what I’m about to tell you.”

  “Well, this oughta be good. Let me grab the waiter and get this thing going here.” Sophie holds up her hand, getting the attention of a waiter. Once he comes over, she starts reading off her order, and then I give mine.

  “What’s going on?” she asks after he leaves. She knows it’s something important since I called her out of work.

  “Okay, well see, it has to do with Braxton.”

  “I knew it! You like him, don’t you? I mean, of course you do, who wouldn’t?”

  “I don’t like him. I despise him, actually. Well, after what happened, he’s an asshole.” I tell her every painful detail of that night.

  “Oh, Liz, I’m sorry, honey. Don’t let him have that much power over what you think. You’re an amazing person, and if he can’t see that, then it’s his loss. He’s probably just intimidated by you. It happens to the best of us sometimes, but you have to get out and test the waters. You can’t let this spoil the others out there.”

  “You see, it’s not just Braxton. It’s what Jacob was hiding. It’s everything. I’m starting to think I was meant to be alone.” I fight the stinging feeling in my eyes, holding back the tears that want to pour out of me. As one tear escapes, I quickly wipe it away, but Sophie already noticed it. She gets up and walks over to me and wraps me in a tight hug.

  “Don’t cry. You’re killing me here. You deserve so much more than the shit you’ve been through. You are one of the strongest people I know. You need to find out how to let yourself be happy and stop determining your life based on all the bad. What about all the great things? Focus on them. You might actually see a difference.”