Starting From Broken

by F. T. Zele

  My mom is the one lady that will forever have my heart. She is the reason I have become the hardworking guy I am today. I work my ass off, so she can have a comfortable life for the remainder of her time here. I know she isn’t going to be around forever, but if me doing what I have been doing is going to keep her around a little longer, then that’s what I will do.

  I hope when I do bring Liz to meet her, Mom isn’t having one of her bad days and will be glad to meet someone who has captured my attention other than work. I know she has been waiting for the day, but I just never have been interested in giving my time away to anybody other than her.

  I have had girls get jealous because they don’t understand the time and work I put in. Some have labeled me a momma’s boy who won’t grow up and be a real man because I look to my mother for reassurance, but there’s just this feeling that Liz wouldn’t want to take me away from Mom. That she will understand and not make me choose how my time is spent. I know I sound crazy, but most women have only wanted me for my money, and if I did let them in, they couldn’t deal with the time I chose to spend with my mom. For them, it was a competition about how they could get me to pick them over her.

  I would never let that happen.

  I will win Liz over. I want to know why some guy has damaged her whole perception of the world. Something is hidden in her head that holds her back, and it pisses me off. I only hope the answers I get from her don’t make me regret asking.

  I don’t really see being left for another woman would do that to Liz. That just seems a little extreme. There’s more to the story, and since Sophie made it quite clear that she won’t tell me, I guess I’ll have to pry.

  With that thought, I walk downstairs and roam around the bar, talk to some customers, and have a drink while I wait for closing, which is not much longer. Then I can talk to Tyler. He’s always the one who grounds me, talking the missing sense into my brain that I was born without.

  Finally, when it’s last call, I make my way over to the bar and take a seat. Tyler walks over to where I am and I can already tell he knows something is up. It might be because he knows me better than anybody or Sophie has already gotten to him.

  “What’s up? You look like you need a beer,” he says as he wipes down the counter in front of me.

  “Yeah, get me a whiskey.”

  “Must not be so great if you’re already going for the hard stuff. How about a beer?” he asks, trying to keep me in line, knowing I took drinking way too far a while ago.

  “Maybe. Just get me my damn whiskey. I’m good, bro.”

  He surrenders with his hands up in front of him while he walks away to fetch my drink. I see why Liz would be hesitant about talking with me when this is how I treat my friend. I’m such a piece of shit.

  He places the drink in front of me without a word, and I know what is bound to come once everyone leaves. Tyler is not one who likes to make a scene. He likes things here to be all business, and that’s exactly why I have him run shop at both bars.

  Lately, I think he’s doing a better job with it than I am. I make sure he’s paid well, and it’s really the reason he’s a silent partner in my other bar. He doesn’t like attention; he’s simple and doesn’t like people to know he’s invested in the place. I would have been able to do it alone, but he works his damn ass off for me here. It was an easy decision to make sure he didn’t abandon me like my own father did.

  Yeah, I’ve got some issues.

  Finally, the place is cleared, and it’s just the two of us.

  “Want a drink?” I ask, holding up my cup.

  “No, I’m good. Somebody has to be able to drive your drunk ass home once you drown your sorrows.”

  See, good friend.

  “It’s not like that this time. I’m kind of torn right now and need to take the edge off a bit. Just one or two.”

  “So, this has to do with Liz. And yes, I know. Sophie already talked to me about it.”

  “I didn’t realize you and Sophie were so close. I thought she was just a piece of ass,” I say as I throw back the rest of my drink, finally feeling the tension dissipate.

  “Fuck you, dude. I’m not you. I’m thirty years old, and bar rats aren’t looking so appealing anymore. Time to grow up, man. Sophie is a good girl. Maybe a little too passionate sometimes, but she means well.”

  Aw shit, he has the puppy love look in his eye, and it’s pitiful. My partner in crime is in love.

  “Did you know she came blasting into my office trying to tell me what to do about Liz? Chick has balls, man. I don’t need to be told how to do things.”

  “Sorry to say, she was right. She isn’t like these easy girls who just want a good night, but you already knew that. Liz isn’t the girl you want to play. From what I heard, which isn’t a lot, she doesn’t need you coming into her life like a tornado. You took her to your house, which is something you never do, but you treated her like she was nothing. Better figure it out because your love life is being brought into mine, and I really like Sophie. I won’t let you fuck that up.”

  “I would never ruin that for you. Sophie needs to let Liz be an adult, that’s all.”

  “Sophie is the only constant in her life, so get used to it. Liz doesn’t have parents, siblings, nothing. She was brought up in the system, so accept that or leave her alone.”

  Fuck, will she really understand my relationship with my mom? Will she appreciate it? Who knows, but I hope so.

  “I found a note at her house. Remember when I told you about Sasha and that guy who died?”

  “Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?” He looks at me perplexed.

  “Liz was married to that guy. I haven’t asked her about it, but I know it’s the same guy.”

  “Not touching that one. You want answers, then ask her. It’s not my job or Sophie’s to tell you what you need to get from her. Time to man up. Do you want to be alone your whole life with a different girl coming in and out of the door every night?”

  “Technically, a new girl isn’t bad. Just . . . I always think about Mom and how she would love to actually see me with someone. She always says to stop worrying about her and find a good girl who is into me. Seems simple, but so far, they’re all just looking for a come up. But then, Liz . . .”

  “Yeah, Liz. She’s a good girl. Why won’t you let yourself deserve someone who is great? Why do you love to ruin anything that could potentially be a good thing?”

  “I’m scared she’s going to push my mom out of the picture, like all the other women have tried to do, and I won’t let it happen. You know that. That’s why I don’t let anybody in. I keep it to one night.”

  “You’re an idiot. Sorry, but you need to get the fuck over it already. It’s been what, over fifteen years? Time to put that shit to rest. You aren’t your father, never will be. You have proven that time and time again.”

  “It doesn’t matter anyway. I fucked up any chance I had with Liz. I treated her like every other girl, and she’s barely talking to me.”

  “Do you blame her?”

  “No. No, I don’t. God, my mother would fucking ream me a new one if she knew the other me.”

  “Look, all you have to do is be honest with Liz and hope it works itself out. Maybe just start from the beginning and work her back into trusting you. I know you’re a good guy, and I don’t believe the whole asshole vibe you give off. I know it’s your way of not keeping people around for long, but what are you gonna do when your mom is gone? You’ll be alone with only me to help you get through it because you won’t let anybody else in.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Well, I’ve got to count out and head home. You want me to take you home?”

  “Nah, I’m just gonna stay here for a bit. Thanks, man. Maybe just kick my ass next time. It wouldn’t take as long, and I wouldn’t end up sounding like a whiny female.”

  “Anytime.”

  We clasp hands and give one of those terrible one-armed bromance hugs. Quite awkward, but I k
now he’s only looking out for me.

  Now, I start planning my next move to get Liz comfortable around me, letting her know about my past and Mom, hoping it works to win her over. Even though I hardly know her, I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  She is mine.

  After a good night’s rest, I start thinking of a way to get Liz talking to me. I only have one chance, and I refuse to be some prick who does all the ordinary things to woo a girl. That shit isn’t for me, and I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate it either.

  Flowers are out, and gifts won’t work. Perhaps I can make her lunch since dinner seems like a far stretch at this point. The hardest part will be getting her to actually commit, so I might as well work on that part now.

  I call that lady Jen from Liz’s office and set up a fake meeting. She may be mad at first when she figures it out, but I hope the other part of my plan works on keeping her there. I scroll through my call log and find her office number and hit Call, going over the words I have to say in my head.

  “Liz Murphy’s office, this is Jennifer. How can I help you?”

  “Hi, Jen. This is Braxton Wright. I was hoping to be able to schedule a meeting with Liz.”

  “Oh, you are daring, aren’t you? So, did you guys kiss and make up?”

  Damn, this girl is nosy, but I guess that’s what I get for involving her in my flower/wait- in-the-parking-lot plan.

  “I wouldn’t be asking you to schedule a meeting with her if it went off like I planned.” She laughs, like full-on laughs at me. I swear, my manhood just took a huge hit.

  “Well, let me see what I can do. She’s a hard egg to crack, isn’t she? Don’t you dare let her know I helped you. Between you and her friend Sophie, you guys get me in all sorts of trouble. But you’re lucky I’m a sucker for romance. How about I get you here tomorrow around 11:30?”

  Nope, I need her away from the office.

  “How about a lunch meeting somewhere? Can you pencil in 3248 Grand Avenue and just have her go there?” I know it’s going to be hard, but this is the only way.

  “You do realize without a restaurant name that’s going to be suspicious, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I’m fully aware of that, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. It’s not a restaurant. Just handle it, and I’ll take care of the rest. Thanks, I owe you one.”

  “You sure do. Just remember what I’m doing when she fires me for interfering.”

  I chuckle lightly. That Jen, she’s pretty funny, and completely on board with my plans. Let’s just hope she gets Liz there. Now, it’s time to get everything else ready. I have lots of calls to make, as this is quite a short notice. Time to cash in on some favors.

  After endless amounts of calls to the right people and getting everything organized for tomorrow, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. If this doesn’t work, then I’m back to feeling numb and lifeless. Just the little taste of what Liz has given me drives me crazy, and I don’t think there will ever be enough of her to satisfy my craving.

  I stretch out in my chair and cross my ankles, raising my arms and linking my fingers behind my head. I glance over at my computer and realize I’ve been going at it for hours now, and everything is in order. I have to go see Mom and fill her in on my plan. I hope she’s having a good day today, because it would be disastrous if she were having a bad one. I pull up to my house and head inside, greeting the nurse as I look around for my mom.

  “She’s outback sitting in the garden,” Barbara says as she notices me.

  “Thanks, how is she doing?”

  “She’s decent today. Had a rough start, but we worked through it.”

  “I want to fill you in on tomorrow. I’m gonna need you to bring Mom somewhere to meet me. I would take her, but I need you there in case something happens,” I say, letting her know the details.

  “Sure, just let me know where and what time, and I’ll have her there,” she replies as she goes back to filling in her notes on her computer.

  I walk out back and see my feeble mom sitting in the garden soaking up the sun. She looks so peaceful.

  “Hey, Mom. How are you?” I say as I kiss her cheek and take an empty seat next to her.

  “I’m good. It’s such a nice day out today, thought I would spend it out here. Why aren’t you at work?” she says with questioning eyes. Her speech is slurred, and it’s taking longer for her to get out the words.

  “I was earlier, and I’m going back in a while. I need to talk to you about something I have planned tomorrow, and I need your help with it. I met someone, and really, she hates me right now. I fucked up.”

  “Your mouth, Braxton,” she scolds.

  “Sorry. I messed up. I planned something for her, to make it up to her, and I need you there.”

  “Oh, Braxton, you don’t need me there. If she’s a nice girl and knows the real you, she’ll forgive you.” She takes deeper breaths to steady her airflow.

  “Actually, that’s the problem. She doesn’t know the real me. I made a huge mistake, and I need to make it right. She needs to meet you to understand me, so that’s why I need you there. You’ll understand once you meet her,” I say gently because I don’t want her getting worked up.

  “Okay, I’ll come. Does this girl have a name?”

  “Liz, her name is Liz, and she’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Barbara is going to take you where I need you to be. I’ll be there setting up things.”

  “Braxton, I know you, and I know how you feel when you want to fix things. You don’t need to do anything extravagant. If she’s as great as you say, she won’t need these big gestures to forgive you.”

  “You’re bias, Mom, but thanks. I actually should buy her an island for the way I handled things recently,” I say, feeling shameful.

  “You know, that’s your problem right there. You think you can just buy everyone’s forgiveness through gifts to have things your way. You need to realize if they truly want to be around you, you won’t need to buy them anything. Money should be the last thing on their minds.”

  “All right, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t wait up for me. I won’t be home until late. Love you.” I stand up, kissing her cheek.

  It’s really fucking hard to walk away from her when she looks so uncomfortable, sitting alone. I know she won’t be out here that long, as her strength diminishes throughout the day. I never know if this is the last time I say goodbye to her, and it fucking leaves me feeling guilty.

  God, I love that woman. She knows me better than anybody, yet doesn’t know me at all. If she knew the real me, she would probably not be talking so kindly about me. I head out, but stop by Barbara first to give her the address of where I need my mom tomorrow and ask her how my mom has truly been.

  When I figured out it was time to hire a nurse to care for my mom, I knew I had to search for the best out there. I picked Barbara after her third interview with me because she had the best training in respiratory care, and her résumé showed she went above and beyond for her patients. It then became an easy choice.

  “Hey, Barb. Here’s the address I need you to bring my mom to tomorrow at 11:30. Also, I wanted to ask you something.” I lean on the counter, trying to take a quick rest.

  “Of course.”

  “So, how is my mom doing, really? Not just today, but overall.”

  “Braxton, I’m not a doctor. I’m just her nurse. She has an appointment in a week, and you should attend. She has been more forgetful lately, and I don’t know if she needs her medication increased.”

  Fuck, not the answer I was looking for. Anger consumes me when I hear this, and I have to refrain from taking it out on Barbara. She’s only the nurse, and it’s not her fault. Yet, a part of me wants to yell at her to fix my mom and prolong the inevitable.

  “Look, you know the outcome of all of this. You just have to get as much time as possible with her. I hope you aren’t planning anything that’s going to get her worked up.”

  “I k
now. It’s just a lunch, but that’s why I need you there. To monitor her and make sure she’s okay. This might be my only chance to get her there,” I say, feeling defeated, and the reality of Mom’s condition hits me, hard.

  Then I do what I do best—overanalyze what I’m asking of Mom, fearful that this might put her over the edge. I might be asking her to do something that is too selfish of me.

  “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow. If anything changes, call me,” I say, walking away from Barbara, obsessed with my thoughts.

  I drive back to the bar and hide in my office, juggling a mixture of work and going over my plan in my head. I decide to keep a little distance between Liz and me right now since my emotions are running on an all-time high. I need to get through this day and have everything go off without a hitch, so this feeling of uncertainty will disappear, and I can go back to feeling like I’m in control.

  I still feel cautious about giving Braxton another chance to rip my heart out. No matter how many times he says it will be different, he doesn’t understand what he’s asking of me. I want to trust him and let him show me that he means everything that comes out of his mouth. I just don’t know if it’s ever going to be possible with him, or anybody in my life. The only person I can count on is Sophie, and even with her, I feel she’s eventually going to get so wrapped up in Tyler and not have time to be my personal cheering section. Without her, I’m nothing.

  I’ve spent that last day cursing myself for texting him. Even after I saw him with that woman, I still sent him that text. I opened that wound myself, allowing the salt to be poured into it, and in the end, that was my decision. If I don’t take this risk, I’ll never know my own strengths. Becoming human again hasn’t been the easiest transition for me, and at this point, I feel like I’m failing miserably, but it’s going to be completely on my terms. Nobody else’s.

  The conflict that ensues in my head is not your average wrong or right. It goes beyond, like happiness and death. I know how low I’m capable of getting because I’ve lived it. I might have learned some tools while I was in the ward recovering from the unimaginable heartache as my world turned into a tornado destroying everything I spent years building.