by F. T. Zele
“I don’t know about all that, but the moment I saw you, I woke up. I knew there was a reason I saw you. You make me feel things I thought I would never be able to feel again.”
“Liz, you’re the first person I’ve ever brought to my house and the only woman I’ve introduced to my mother. If you can’t tell by now, you have a hold on me. You have captured a heart I didn’t think I had. What I’m trying to say is . . .” I gather all the nerve I have to tell her the one thing I have been thinking since the first time I met her.
“Don’t, Braxton. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear to try to ease this situation. I’m good now. I have grown so much. It’s okay.”
“I would never tell you anything I didn’t truly mean. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you, but I’m willing to do anything for you. I fucking love you, Liz. There, I said it, and I don’t expect you to say it back. I just couldn’t go another day without you knowing how I feel.”
I spent my life pushing everyone away when they got too close. I never wanted anybody to stay and watch me destroy myself. Liz makes me feel whole, and I want to share everything I have with her. I love watching her push through hard times, even though I could never imagine what she has gone through. I don’t know if I could have been as strong as her.
“I just . . . I just can’t hear that from you right now. I want to be able to feel it, and all I can think is that you’re saying this because you don’t want to see me fall. I’m not the same person. I enjoy spending time with you, but that word, ‘love,’ is too much. I don’t even know if I love myself.”
“How could you not?” I ask as I bring her face up to look me in my eyes when I say these next words to her. “Start believing in yourself. You are smart, beautiful, and caring. You just need to get to a point where that’s clear for you to see. I could show you all of that, but I think you need to figure it out on your own, and I’ll be by your side the whole way there, if you let me.”
Looking into my eyes, she calmly states, “I’ll get there, I promise. I can’t give you a definite time, but every day I’m getting closer. Don’t give up on me, please. I’m a work in progress.”
“We’re both a work in progress. These feelings are new to me. Hell, this whole thing is new for me. I will mess up, but don’t let that push you away. We’re both learning along the way.”
“We are, aren’t we?” she asks with the corner of her mouth pulling up into a small smile.
We’ve discussed everything we needed to tonight, so now all that’s left to do before I have to leave is to enjoy each other’s company. I grab a pillow and place it in my lap, so she can relax since she’s still getting over this bug. When she puts her head in my lap, dirty thoughts invade my mind, but I push them away.
Running my hand through her hair, I hope she will soon close her eyes and fall asleep, so I can carry her to her bed again. I don’t know why, but something happened the first time I did that. The protector in me felt satisfied, and most times, I crave that since I can’t do much for my mom.
Like clockwork, her breathing gets deeper and more even, and I know she has fallen asleep. I give it a couple of minutes before I carefully slide out of the seat and pick her up, carrying her to her room and tucking her into her bed.
Making sure to lock the door behind me, I quietly leave, heading home for some much-needed rest. Even though things went better than I thought, I’m still fucking wiped out from the adrenaline that was pulsing though me as I stood at her door waiting for her to open it. I need her to see that I meant it when I told her I loved her and not just because she opened up to me. I wasn’t trying to lessen the pain of the old wound she was ripping open again. I need her to feel my words.
I need her to be mine.
This morning I woke up feeling exceptionally happy. Braxton coming to me with information he thought could have crushed me shows me that he’s trying hard not to hurt me again. That was my main fear with him.
It was a big move, and I don’t know if I could have been honest if I were in his position. It shows me that he does care, and I want nothing more than to fully let him in with no regrets. I know it’s not going to be that simple with anybody. I’m willing to see where this goes, because for the first time, I see light peeking through the fog.
Once I do my morning rituals, I arrive at the office by ten with more energy than I had this weekend. After picking up a prescription from the pharmacy that my doctor called in for me, I began feeling better. As I make my way through the door, Jen greets me.
“Good morning. How was your weekend?” she asks, handing me a paper cup of coffee.
“It was good. Don’t forget, we still haven’t talked about that meeting I went to. Oh, yeah, turns out it wasn’t a meeting at all. More like lunch with Braxton. Although I appreciate how you look out for me, you and Sophie pry way too much.” I take a sip of my coffee as I walk to my office with Jen following me. “This is delish. Where did you get it?” I ask while I round my desk, only to find a fresh jelly donut sitting on a white plate. “Don’t tell me. I think I already know.” I look up to her as she beams from ear to ear and bounces around.
“He knows about your poor breakfast habits already?”
My heart flutters when I spot a small white box with a pink bow sitting next to the donut. I don’t know what to be more excited about, the donut or the box. Taking a seat at my desk, I put down my coffee and pick up the box, trying to guess what could be inside it.
“What is it? I thought he only brought you coffee and a donut. How did I miss that?”
“I don’t know what it is. Should I be nervous to open it?” I look around, hoping he isn’t standing behind some door watching me like I’ve never received a gift before.
I pull off the bow and crack open the lid, peeking inside as if something might jump out at me. Another box is inside with one of my favorite names engraved on top. After pulling out the second box, I take off the lid, seeing the most beautiful rose gold watch with crystals circling the face. I’m actually stunned to silence as I examine the watch, turning it over in my hands and asking myself what I’ve done to deserve a gift so extravagant.
I grab my phone out of my purse, wanting to thank Braxton.
Me: Thank you so much for my watch. I’m actually speechless.
Braxton: I wanted to get you something as beautiful as you are.
Me: It’s gorgeous. I love it.
Braxton: All right, well, get back to work. Hope it helps brightens your day.
Me: Talk to you later. :)
I put on the watch, twisting it on my wrist as I watch it sparkle in the light from my office window. While I’ve been gushing over my new present, I forgot Jen, who looks annoyed that I haven’t shown her yet.
“Sorry, I had to thank him first. How sweet was that for him to do?” I lift my wrist, so she can get a closer look.
“Aren’t you glad I meddled?” Jen asks with a playful tone.
“Okay, yes, thank you for butting into my business, but I have work to do . . . after I eat this donut.” I wink at her, letting her know not to get her panties in a bunch.
“I’ll be at my desk.”
When she leaves, I inhale my donut and finish my coffee before I make a couple of important calls. An hour later, Jen’s voice comes over the intercom on my phone.
“Sophie is on line three.”
“Thanks.”
I pick up the phone, and before I can say hi, she blurts out, “Where have you been? Are you avoiding me?” Just like Sophie to start with the inquisitions.
“Well, hello to you, too. I’m not avoiding you, and I have been around. You haven’t called me either. What’s been going on?” I ask, still looking at my wrist, watching the crystals catch the sun.
“Not much, just been working a lot lately, and when I get free time, spending it with Tyler. What about you?”
“You know, work, work, and some more work. I have been spending some time with Braxton the last couple of days.�
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“I swear, he better not fuck up again, or I will have his balls.”
“You know I love you, right, Soph? Things have been good, and I can handle it. I came to terms with a lot of stuff, and we’re just taking things slowly. Well, if you call the brand new gold watch on my wrist slow,” I tell her because I want to brag to someone about it.
I’m in such a happy place right now, and if I can’t share that with my best friend, then whom can I share it with? I know she would probably feel a lot more at ease if she knew I was finally truly happy.
“Wait, what? He got you a watch? Take a picture of it and send it to me while we’re on the phone. I want to see it.”
“Okay, hold on.” I grab my phone out of my desk, snap a quick picture, and send it to her.
Waiting.
“Oh my God! That’s a really nice watch. How did he know that’s your favorite kind?”
“I don’t know. He just left it on my desk this morning with a jelly donut and some coffee.”
“You must be giving it to him good, or he really likes you. I’m super happy for you, and I can tell you’re happy, too. I can hear it in your tone. Let’s grab a drink tonight. I mean, if you don’t have plans already.”
“You really are an ass, but I would love to grab a drink with you, just not at any of their bars, please. I’ve seen him every day for almost the last week. I think he needs a break.”
“Well, if he’s buying you watches like that, I don’t think he’s trying to get rid of you. But that sounds great. How about we meet at your house and figure it out from there? Say around eight?”
“I’ll see you then and fill you in on all the details. Can’t wait.”
“Okay, I’ve missed you. Glad things are going well for you. See you later.” I hang up the phone and get busy working, trying to make the time go faster. A drink sounds like something I need with my best friend.
After a long day at the office catching up on things I’ve put aside, I finally leave. Jen left an hour ago, so it’s just me to close up. On my drive home, I stop at the store and grab a bottle of wine to have a pre-going out drink with Soph.
I make it home with an hour to spare before she arrives. I rinse off quickly and put on some fresh clothes, and as I’m making my way into the kitchen, there’s a knock at my door. I answer it, only to receive a complete tackle hug from Sophie. She almost knocks me over, and I give it right back to her. Sometimes, we act like screaming high school girls. It’s just how we are together.
“Hi, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” she says as she squeezes the ever-loving crap out of me.
“I know. Come to the kitchen with me. I was just about to open a bottle of wine.” We walk into the kitchen, and I grab the bottle out of the wine chiller and uncork it. Grabbing two glasses, I fill them generously and hand one to her.
“So, tell me everything. Let me see your watch.”
I thrust my wrist out, and she flips the watch around examining it, just like I did.
“It’s beautiful. He did good!”
“Thanks. Where do I begin?” I say, playing coy with her. It’s fun watching her squirm when I don’t just come out with things. She can never handle that there are some things I don’t blurt out to her.
“From the beginning, dammit. Don’t make me beg you for info. I’ve never liked doing that.”
“Well, I’m surprised you don’t know really. Jen was in on it, and I’m sure Tyler knows,” I say as I watch her face turn evil in a split second.
“You mean nobody told me? That hurts, but whatever. I’m glad you’re working everything out. That perma-smile you’re sporting looks nice on you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.”
“Don’t get all sappy on me. Anyway, he asked Jen to schedule a meeting, but it was actually lunch. He had his newest building all set up nicely and had a chef there cooking. He also brought his mom,” I admit.
“Holy shit, you met his mom? Things must be getting serious,” she says as she leans her chin on her hand, greedily absorbing all this info.
“It’s not as serious as you’re making it out to be, but yes, I met his mother. Let me tell you. She’s the sweetest person. I have seen her a couple of other times, too. Has Tyler ever talked about her?” I ask, wanting to gauge how much I can really tell her. I don’t want to be spreading around Braxton’s business if Sophie hasn’t been told already.
“Yeah, he’s told me a little bit. She’s not so well, I hear.” Her face saddens.
“Well, Braxton isn’t sure how much longer she’s going to be around. That’s part of the reason that whole bad night happened, pair that with the fact he knows Sasha—but it’s a complete coincidence—and I don’t feel like talking about someone I don’t even know. After that lunch we have been spending some time together, getting to know one another. I brought dinner to their house one night for all of us.” I can’t help but smile through this whole recount of what happened. Braxton just . . . makes me happy.
“Wait, he lives with her?” she questions.
“No, she lives with him. They just moved in a little while ago. He designed the house around her, making sure her wheelchair fits when she’s using it. Her full-time nurse also lives across the hall from her. He has the whole top of the house, although I haven’t seen it since the place was decorated,” I say, hoping she’ll get the hint we aren’t sleeping together, yet. “So, things are good. I was sick this weekend, and Braxton was worried and was hovering and freaking out over a little bug I had. I know it upsets him because really there’s nothing he can do to take the sickness away from his mom, so he likes to overcompensate. I let him, because it makes him feel like he’s helping, but I know it affects him differently,” I say, putting it mildly.
“That’s something you might never be able to change, so you’re going to have to deal with it. I know you aren’t used to be being taken care of, believe me. It seems he does it with the best intentions, right?”
“I don’t want to be some little pet project to him, save the poor, broken girl. I really like him, a lot. He tried to tell me he loved me last night. I quickly had to shut that down. That’s something I’m not ready to hear, from anybody. Plus, we don’t know each other like that,” I say, downing the remaining wine from my glass.
“Whoa, that’s big. Why do you think it’s impossible for someone to love you? I mean, you have been spending a lot of time together, even before the whole disastrous night you had. You have a problem telling people what they can and can’t feel for you. I hate to say this, but you did the same thing with Jacob. You knew things were bad, and you refused to let him go, even if it meant being miserable together.”
“That’s unfair.”
“No, it’s not. I only say it because I love you and need you to see. You can’t make someone be in love with you. Yes, you guys had history, but you were scared to let go of the one thing that was safe to you, even if it wasn’t the best for you. All I’m saying is, I believe you deserve to be happy and love somebody and have them love you back the same. Taking risks is scary, but look what taking them is proving to you! You’re worth it. Just don’t tell Braxton what he can and can’t feel for you, because it will push him away.”
“You’re right. I’m enjoying what we have right now. I’m not banking on anything. Just go with the flow and try to make him as happy as he’s been making me,” I say truthfully.
“That’s good. Now, where do you want to go? Or would you rather stay here and drink and talk? I didn’t know you weren’t feeling well this weekend. We could have made if for another day.”
“Whatever you want.”
“Why don’t we finish this wine and just have a quiet night here? I’m having fun with “Open Liz.” I don’t get to see this side very often,” she sasses.
“See, now you’re pushing it.”
My phone beeps, and since Sophie is here, it could only be one other person. I grab my phone and check my message.
Braxton: What are you doing
tonight?
Me: Sophie is over, and we are having some wine. What about you?
Braxton: Just left my office to check on my mom, then going back until we close.
Me: Well, be careful. It looks like it’s going to rain.
Braxton: I will. Have fun with Sophie. Talk to you tomorrow.
Me: Ok, night!
“Hello, Liz!” I notice Sophie waving her hand in my face as I stare at my phone.
“Sorry, what were you saying?” I ask, feeling like a high school girl with a crush whose world revolves around the current flavor of the month. That’s not the case with him, at least I hope not.
“Wow, you totally went to a whole other world while you were texting him. You really like him, and you don’t need to lessen your feelings for him around me, like it makes you somehow weak. I think this is just what you need. You’ve been on your own long enough, and it’s time to let someone into your life to share things with. Learn to trust and love.”
I hate when she’s right. I just . . . how do you know it’s been long enough? Has enough time passed?
“I hope so. I know I’ve told him I want to take things slowly, but somehow I feel like I’m cutting myself short by doing that, almost like I’m waiting for him to mess up so I can do the whole I told you so thing. I have this feeling like this is how it is and always has been meant to be. The connection I feel with Braxton is completely different than the one I had with Jacob. I can feel it throughout my body, even just thinking about him.” I take a breath before I tell her this next part. Something I have been thinking about. “There’s one thing, though. He hasn’t tried to make a move again. He’s being careful with me, like I’m a cracked vase and with one wrong move, I’ll break into tiny pieces that aren’t able to be put back together. I want it how it was before everything happened. He was so . . . assertive . . . and I don’t like the fact he’s trying not to be like that because of me. It’s the first thing I noticed and tried to avoid, but it was impossible. It made me feel desired and sexy, some of the things I haven’t felt in a really long time.”