Starting From Broken

by F. T. Zele

  “No water.”

  He walks out while I try to collect my thoughts. Knowing I have always wanted kids seems to take the edge off, but what doesn’t help is thinking how horribly Braxton is going to take the news, and I’m going to be left alone, again. My anxiety level is through the roof.

  Will I be able to carry another baby without the same heartbreaking thing happening again?

  Once I feel calm enough to walk out of the room, I make my way to the ultrasound room. The door is open, and I slowly walk inside.

  “Lie down here. I’m going to check for a heartbeat. See if we can pick anything up yet since it’s fairly early along. I’ll also be taking some measurements and looking around.” I lie down and lift my shirt over my stomach. “This might be a little cold.” He squirts some gel onto my stomach and begins the ultrasound. As he moves the probe, he makes subtle “uh-huh” sounds but says nothing.

  “What’s going on? What are you seeing?” I ask, wanting to know what’s causing him to make all those little noises.

  “Liz, you seem to be a lot further along than I anticipated with the information you gave me. You’re measuring twenty-one weeks.”

  “That’s impossible. I’ve had my period, and I haven’t gained any weight. This isn’t making any sense,” I contest, alarmed.

  All these thoughts start running through my mind. I have not drunk excessively, but I have had wine here and there. How did that affect the baby? Is it going to be okay? I haven’t taken any vitamins. I lose it, right here in his office. I cry, not because I don’t want a baby, but because everything is overwhelming me. I reach next to me and grab my phone out of my purse because I can’t do this alone. I need Braxton here. Maybe it will be easier to tell him with the doctor here. I hit Call, and once the phone starts ringing, the panic takes over.

  “Hey, how did it go?” he asks automatically, and I cry harder. “Liz, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

  I gather all my strength and try to form some words. “I need you to come to the doctor’s office.”

  “What the fuck is going on? Are you all right? Tell me!” he yells into the phone, and I know I have chosen the wrong words.

  “Just come here. It’s the medical building on Plaza Avenue by Chase Street. 22142 Plaza, Suite 204.”

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Just tell me you’re okay!”

  “I’m going to be okay,” I say quietly and hang up the phone.

  “Don’t do anything else until my boyfriend Braxton gets here. He needs to be here,” I say, stopping the doctor. He wipes the gel off my stomach and opens my chart.

  “I see I gave you the antibiotic about four months ago. Those make birth control pills less effective.”

  “How did I not know this? How can I be this far along and not know I was pregnant? I feel so stupid and horrible.”

  “I’ve seen this before. Some women don’t have any pregnancy symptoms. This is the first time you’ve been this far along. It isn’t wrong that you aren’t showing. This isn’t your fault, and you’re not stupid. You have had a lot on your plate.”

  “I’ve had my periods, though.”

  “You thought you had them. Some women experience bleeding that mimics their period at the beginning of pregnancy. Just relax. Everything is going to be all right.”

  Just then a commotion sounds from the hall, and Braxton blasts through the door and rushes to me, which makes me start crying again.

  “Liz, I’m here. What’s going on?” He stands next to me and holds me tightly.

  “Hi, I’m Dr. Hensley. Braxton, is it?” Dr. Hensley extends his hand toward Braxton.

  “Yes, nice to meet you. Can someone tell me what’s going on?” Worry is written all over his face.

  Nobody says a word for a second, and I know it’s my place to tell him. I inhale a huge breath and wipe away my tears before I talk. I’m scared of his reaction.

  “I’m so sorry, Braxton. I didn’t know . . . I didn’t know any of this, I promise,” I plead.

  “Just fucking tell me. You’re making me really nervous here.” He exhales loudly, calming himself down as much as he can.

  “I’m pregnant,” I reveal and then watch all the color drain from his face. He blankly stares at me, and I can’t read anything from him. I drop my head, feeling like I just ruined the good thing we had going.

  “You said you were on the pill. How did this happen?” he says, emotionless.

  “That’s not all of it. I’m around twenty-one weeks.” The room is quiet, other than my sniffles. “Are you mad at me?” I ask.

  “Mad at you? No, I’m not mad at you. Confused as hell, but not mad,” he says as he drags his hands over his face.

  “Braxton, about four months ago, give or take a week or two, I gave Liz an antibiotic for a sinus infection. They usually make birth control pills less effective, but I can’t say for sure that’s what happened.” Dr. Hensley turns to me. “Liz, can I start the ultrasound again? I saw the heart beat, but I want to listen to it.”

  “Braxton?” I ask him, wanting anything but the silence right now.

  “Yes . . . yes, I want to hear the heartbeat,” he says and moves to the other side of the table, taking my hand. He leans down and looks me in the eyes and then whispers into my ear, “Relax, we’ll figure everything out. I love you.”

  A loud beating sound comes through the machine, and it becomes more real that there is a tiny person in there. I look at Braxton and see his eyes well up, and he quickly wipes them.

  “That is a strong heartbeat,” the doctor says before pointing out all the other organs.

  “So, despite the lack of prenatal care and vitamins, does the baby look okay, like healthy and everything?” I ask the most important question.

  “Everything looks great. Do you want to see if the baby will cooperate and let us determine the gender?”

  “I do.” I look over to Braxton. “Braxton?” I ask.

  “Sure,” he answers anxiously.

  As we wait to hear what we’re having, my heart beats out of control. I still can’t believe this is happening. I need to get Braxton alone, so we can talk about this together. Although he’s freaking out, he’s trying to hold it together in front of the doctor.

  “Well, it seems you guys are having a baby girl. Congratulations, you two,” he says as he pauses on a picture on the screen.

  “Dr. Hensley, is she really going to be okay? I didn’t know. I have drunk alcohol, and I just want her to be all right,” I say, feeling completely out of control of this right now.

  “Liz, I promise you. Everything looks good. You’re going to have a bunch of labs run to make sure all your levels are where they need to be, and I’ll give you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins today.”

  “I haven’t felt her move, like ever.”

  “Liz, listen to me. You and the baby are fine. I see her moving around on the screen, and you should start to feel her anytime.”

  “I just don’t know what to say.”

  “I’ll see you back here in two weeks. We’re done for today. Just go and do what you’ve been doing minus the alcohol. Everything will be fine.”

  Braxton’s silence is what’s scaring me the most right now. I know he’s in shock just as much as I am, but I need to hear something from him.

  We make an appointment for two weeks and then walk downstairs to the lab for my blood work. Walking hand in hand, neither of us says a word. Everything goes fast in the lab, and Braxton walks me to my car once I’m finished.

  “Braxton, talk to me. I can’t stand this feeling that I disappointed you. I swear I didn’t know any of this,” I beg.

  “You haven’t disappointed me. I just don’t know what to say right now. I’m excited, but shocked, too. You really had me scared when you called me crying. I thought something was wrong. This is a lot to process. I’m going to be a dad, and I don’t want to do anything wrong. I don’t want to be like my dad. I don’t know how to do all of this, and I don’t want to let
you down.”

  “I don’t know your father, but from everything you’ve told me about him, I know you’re nothing like him. You are going to be an amazing father, just like you are an amazing son and boyfriend. We’ll figure this all out. It’s new to both of us.”

  “You’re right. I’m being an ass. I’m sorry. Come here.” He opens his arms and holds me tightly, comforting me.

  “Can we not tell anybody yet? I mean, I got away with it this long. I’m not ready for anybody to know. They’re all going to think I’m either lying or stupid for not knowing, and I don’t want to have to explain everything yet.”

  “We don’t have to say anything right now, but they’re all going to find out rather quickly. When you’re ready, we’ll tell them. How about we get some lunch? I don’t have to be anywhere for a little while.”

  “Okay, I’ll meet you back at your house, and I can drop off my car,” I say, needing to be alone for a little while to let this all play out in my head.

  I’m scared Braxton isn’t telling me the truth. I think he’s upset with me, and all I want to do is ignore this right now. I get into my car and make my way to his house. I automatically beat myself up over how I didn’t know. How could I be carrying a baby and not have the slightest clue? I feel tired again and just want to go home and take a nap. I call him on my drive home, asking him to pick up something so we can eat at his house.

  After we eat, I go up to his room and crawl into bed to hide from reality. I break down, unable to keep it together, muffling my sobs into the pillow while I am alone. A soft knock on the door has me wiping my face. I try to appear as normal as I can at the moment when Braxton comes walking into the room.

  “Why are you sitting up here crying? I know this isn’t an ideal situation we have been pushed into, but the doctor said the baby looks good. Aren’t you excited?” he asks.

  “I don’t know how to feel. I’m both excited and scared. I’ve always wanted a baby, but I didn’t want one now. We haven’t been together that long, and now we’re forced into this. I want you to want this, too.”

  “Oh, hon, I want this, with you. It’s a big adjustment, one I’m willing to put above everything else. It’s real, and it’s happening. The only thing we can do is get ready and show this little girl how loved she is already. I know you said we were keeping this a secret for now, but I really want to tell my mom. She deserves to know,” he says calmly.

  “We can tell your mom. I want her to know, but I don’t know how to tell Sophie and the others. Do you want to tell her now?” I ask, gathering the courage to walk downstairs and tell her. The last thing I want is for Jade to be upset with how this is happening.

  “Yes, let’s go,” he says as we walk downstairs to her room where she is lying down. “Hey, Mom. Whatcha doing?” Braxton asks her.

  “Nothing, just resting. Why aren’t you two at work?”

  “Oh . . . well, that’s kind of the reason we wanted to talk to you.”

  “Braxton, you were never very good at hiding things from me,” Jade says.

  I stand there, not knowing if I should be the one to talk. Should I say something? I keep my eyes trained on the floor, scared of her disapproval.

  “I know, Mom. Today Liz went to the doctor. You know she’s been exhausted lately, and I wanted her to make sure everything is okay.”

  “Are you okay?” she asks me, and now I have to respond.

  “I am. I . . . I don’t know how to say this other than . . . Jade, we’re having a baby. A girl to be exact. I swear I didn’t know. We weren’t hiding this.” Her eyes widen as she takes in what I have just told her.

  “I’m going to be a grandmother?” She sounds excited through her slow words.

  “Yes, we didn’t plan this. It just happened. I was taking some meds for an infection, which resulted in making me not so protected. I hope you’re not upset,” I say, hoping she doesn’t feel like we’re hiding things from her.

  “Why would I be upset? This is great news. Aren’t you guys excited?”

  “We are. It’s just a huge shock. Right, Liz?”

  “Yes, we were taken by surprise. I had no clue. She is due March second.”

  “Well, congrats. This is a blessing. With parents like you two, I know she’s going to be the most loved little girl in the world.”

  “We love you, Mom. Thank you. I think Liz is going to rest a bit, and I’m going to head out to the bar and check things out. I’ll be back in a while.”

  “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything or get bored, Jade,” I say.

  When we walk away, I feel some relief from telling her. I want this to be a happy moment, and Jade being excited has definitely helped.

  “See, I told you she wouldn’t be mad. Are you feeling better about this?”

  “I am. We’re going to be okay. We can do this, right?” I ask honestly.

  “Yes, we can. Get some rest, and I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Call me if you need anything, all right?”

  “Okay. See you soon.” He gives me a kiss goodbye and walks out the door.

  I head upstairs and quickly fall asleep from all the events of today, hoping to wake up in a better mood, ready for the unexpected.

  This last month has been a whirlwind. With a baby on the way and getting the restaurant ready to open, I feel like I don’t have a second to breathe. Liz and I have been getting used to the reality that we are going to be changing diapers very shortly. Most couples get a nine-month prep time, but not us. We have been buying things here and there, trying to get some stuff ready at the house.

  Liz’s small bump is starting to show slightly, thanks to the way she is carrying, but it’s getting harder to hide it. She still has refused to tell anybody because she feels like people will think she’s crazy for not knowing what was going on in her own body. I understand, so I keep quiet.

  I don’t mind, though. It’s something we can share together, without anybody jumping in and handing out advice. It’s just the two of us¸ and we have this little baby growing inside her that we created out of love. It’s fucking unreal.

  With the grand opening tomorrow and the birthday party, I haven’t been home much. I can’t wait until this is all over, and we can go back to spending time together and finishing everything. Sophie left an hour ago after completing some small details for the party. She keeps asking me where Liz has been, and why she’s avoiding her. Trying to keep down the suspicion, I tell her Liz has been busy doing things at home for me, but I don’t think she’s buying it anymore. After tomorrow, I hope we don’t have to keep hiding the pregnancy any longer. Together, they went out looking for a dress for tomorrow. Sadly, my mom couldn’t go because she was feeling too tired and is trying to save her energy for the party.

  I look at the time and realize it’s close to midnight. I need to head home for the night before Liz goes to bed. When I get home, I find her already in bed. I stop in the doorway and take a moment to stare at her, and all I can think about is how she has brought so much into my life. She is having our baby, and I can’t imagine sharing my life with anybody else. She notices me and smiles.

  “Long night?”

  “Too long. How are you feeling today?” I ask as I walk over to her. She looks tired.

  “I feel fine. I’m not sick, Braxton. I’m pregnant and getting ridiculously fat.”

  “Well, you look beautiful to me, and you’re supposed to gain weight. You’re home for our little girl.” I place my hand on her stomach. I’ve been feeling little kicks here and there, and it’s the most indescribable feeling. “So, did you find something to wear for tomorrow?” I ask, hoping she has and isn’t stressing about it.

  “I did and let me tell you. Sophie insisted I needed something tight and sexy. I can’t do tight. I found something, and she finally agreed. I don’t know if I can keep this a secret anymore,” she huffs, pulling the blankets over her.

  “We can tell them tomorrow. I think it’s time. Don’t you want your friend to know and be th
ere for you? You’re blocking her out, and you know she is going to be upset,” I explain.

  “Yeah, she’s going to kill me. Let’s tell everyone tomorrow.”

  “I’m going to grab a quick shower and get ready for bed. Be back,” I say and head to the bathroom.

  When I get out and walk into the room, Liz is already asleep. I slide in next to her, pulling her close to me. It isn’t long before I fall asleep with my hand placed lightly on her stomach, so I can feel both of them next me.

  Tonight comes fast, and there aren’t enough hours in the day to get ready for this party. Sophie came by earlier and checked everything out before leaving to get ready. She is picking up Liz and bringing her here. The last text I got was from Sophie, saying they should be here within the hour. Barbara and my mom will arrive at seven, and that’s when I plan on giving the toast and doing the cake. I don’t want Mom to miss out on the most important time of the night.

  I keep pacing, making sure everything is in its right spot. I’ve checked on the food a dozen times and got kicked out of the kitchen the last time I went in there. People are starting to arrive, and it’s not long until Liz gets here. Once I see Tyler, I walk over to him, needing a friendly face to distract me from waiting on Liz. He is the only one who knows about my plan tonight.

  “Tyler, you’re here. Thanks, man. Did you pick up what I needed?” I ask.

  “Yeah, it’s in the bag here. What should I do with it?”

  “I’ll put it on the table by the bar,” I say, reaching out for the bag.

  “No, I got it. They should be here any minute now. You need to get ready outside.”

  Checking my phone, I have a text from Sophie.

  Sophie: Be there in 10.

  When I look at the time on my phone, I notice this text was sent almost ten minutes ago. I freak out and jog to the door as they are pulling up. I walk outside, make my way to the car, and open the door for Liz. I’m in awe of how beautiful she looks tonight. She’s glowing. I hold out my hand for her to take and help her out of the car. She’s wearing a long, flowing pale pink sheer dress that covers her stomach. I bend down, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and whisper into her ear, “You look beyond gorgeous tonight. Happy Birthday, Momma. I love you.” Tears build up in her eyes, and I blame those damn hormones.