by F. T. Zele
“Tell me this is just going to be a setback. That she will come back and we can wait for a cure. I need you to tell me that,” I beg her.
“I can’t do that. I’m not a doctor. I think this is it. I hate to say that, but I don’t think she will come back from this, and if she did, she won’t be the same. Her lungs have failed. That’s part of the disease. This was inevitable. I think you need to say your goodbyes and not make either of you suffer for your own selfish reasons.”
“I’m going to head back in. You should consider coming back in soon,” I say as I rise and walk away. When I get to the doorway, I hear Liz talking softly to my mom, and it’s ripping my heart out.
“You can’t go yet. There’s still so much left for you to experience. You need to meet your granddaughter, you need to walk with your son down the aisle, and you need to stay here, for me. You’re the only mother I have ever had.” She takes a breath, and as I walk into the room, I stop when she starts talking again. “You don’t understand. I’ll lose you both within a matter of time. I’ll lose Braxton to this. He won’t be okay. I’m scared he will forget who I am in his own misery, but I understand you need to go. You need to end your pain, and I know that more than anybody. I love you, Jade.” Looking back, she sees me and quickly wipes the tears from her eyes.
“I need a moment with her.”
“I’m going to grab a water. Do you want something?” she asks.
I shake my head and take a seat and watch her walk out. What I’m about to say is going to kill me, but I know I have to say it. “Mom, why did you leave me with this decision? I don’t want this responsibility. I’m so fucking angry that this is my place to call the shots. Haven’t I been calling the shots long enough? I don’t want this role anymore. I want someone else to make this decision. What if I make the wrong one? How the hell would I go on? Because of you, I know what hard work is. I knew I had to grow up fast and be the man of the house. I never wanted it, but for you I did, because you’re everything to me. You loved me despite your hate for my father, and you showed me a life full of love. You loved me unconditionally. Even when I messed up, you turned a blind eye to the way I treated people. You thought the world of me, and that’s just what I think of you. So, Mom, I say goodbye to you, my best friend, my mom, my world. I have to let you be in peace now. I’m ending the suffering you’ve been living with. I hate it, but I think this is how you would want it, and I will always try to make you proud and never disappoint you.”
I drop my head onto the bed, clutching her hand in mine. Reality slowly starts setting in that these are going to be our last moments together, and I never want to let go. Liz stands in the doorway hand in hand with Barbara, watching me with my mom.
“Why don’t you guys come in and say your goodbyes? I’m gonna tell the doctor it’s time. I don’t want to see her like this anymore. She needs her peace, and these machines aren’t giving it to her.” I walk past them to make my way to the nurses’ station to inform the doctor. Liz squeezes my shoulder, but the feeling goes past me as numbness consumes me. “I need to talk to the doctor,” I tell the first nurse I see.
“I’ll page him and see if he is still on the floor.” The nurse calls his name over the hospital floor speaker system. I wait for a couple of minutes before I see him walking toward me.
“Dr. Williams, I know it’s the right thing to do for her. We are saying our goodbyes. We’ll be in the room.”
“Okay, I’ll bring in some paperwork that needs to be signed before we do anything. If there is anything I can do until then, I’ll be here,” he says sympathetically.
I can’t manage to say anything else, so I turn around and walk back toward the room. I see Liz and Barbara hugging and crying. I know this must be a lot on Liz with her hormones, but this is my mom, my life.
“The doctor is coming in. I’ll sign some papers, and then that’s it,” I say once I enter the room.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We’ll make it through this. You have to be strong and know you’re doing what’s best for her. You have to remember this isn’t goodbye. You aren’t taking the memories away because you’ll always have those.”
“I can’t hear this right now,” I sharply reply as I walk to the window, looking out as emotions start crashing over me. When the doctor comes in, he hands me the papers and explains everything, but I don’t hear a word he says. I sign where he needs me, getting this over as quickly as possible.
I stare blankly as the nurse comes in, giving me that sympathetic look— a look I want to rip right off her face. I don’t need anybody’s sympathy. I want her to do her job and not act like she knows or cares what I’m feeling right now.
The doctor gives her a nod, letting her know she can turn off the machine. I wait, holding my breath with my heart frozen as the monitor starts beeping slowly then finally sounds a long tone signaling Mom is gone, forever. It takes all I have not to break everything in the room and keep my composure. I want to scream, I want to cry, but I can’t. I can’t breathe, my walls are caving in, and right now, I need to be alone.
“Barbara, can you take Liz home? She needs to rest, and I need to make sure everything is handled here.”
“I’m not going anywhere. We’re doing this together,” Liz says boldly.
“Like I said, it’s late. I’ll be home in a while,” I say, cutting off her protests. I don’t even look at her. I know disappointment is written all over her face, and that’s the last thing I need weighing on me. I just need her to listen to me.
“Okay,” she says, walking over to the bed and grabbing my mom’s hand, giving it a small kiss. She whispers, “I love you” before leaving.
I sit in the chair next to Mom’s bed for what seems like forever, watching her, knowing I will never hear her voice again. I already feel as if I’m failing her by shoving Liz out of here, but I have to handle this on my own, like I’ve done my whole life.
When everything is finalized, and they basically tell me it’s time to leave, the sun is rising. I’ve spent all night here, unable to pull myself away. I put on a brave face while I make my way out of the hospital and to my office, not wanting to go home yet. I need some time to process how one phone call changed everything.
It’s like my worst fear is coming true all over again. I’m alone, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Braxton won’t talk to me about anything that has to do with his mom.
After the funeral, he started to spiral out of control, always at the bar, hardly ever home. When he does come home, he reeks of liquor and can’t stand straight. He has completely shut down. It’s like I don’t even exist anymore. The last thing I wanted was to be scared he was going to fall back into the old patterns he once told me about. He doesn’t realize I’m also hurting, maybe in a different way, but that night I lost two people— his mom and him.
I want to give up, but I know I can’t do that to him or myself. I have lived a life of avoidance, and it’s time to make him see that life isn’t over. This baby is coming, and we need him now more than ever.
I have tried numerous times to talk to him, but that fell on deaf ears. He isn’t taking me seriously, and I’m fearful if I try too hard, I will push him away for good, and it won’t help in the long run.
Thank God for Sophie. She has kept me strong and has gone to all my appointments with me, so I don’t have to do this alone. She is angry with Braxton for the way he chooses to deal with his loss and for abandoning me, like what I feel doesn’t mean a damn thing to him.
I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, so I continue to wait and hopefully wake up one day and realize this has been one huge nightmare. Until then, I keep trying. The hardest part is being lonely while there are people all around me.
Braxton hasn’t been home in two days, and tonight, I’m going to fight to get him back, to make him see what he’s doing and what he’s giving up. He promised he would never leave me again, but sometimes I get the feeling he is making me want to leave him, s
o he won’t be the one doing the leaving.
I plan on going to the bar and scaring him straight. If he doesn’t want to listen to me, then he will have to listen to Sophie or Tyler. He can’t run away anymore; he needs to face this head-on and learn to live again. The thought of him not choosing us is a reality I might need to face, but for the first time in my life, I’m not scared. This is me being in control of what I need to do. I can’t give up without a fight.
I wait anxiously for Sophie to pick me up. She insisted on going with me, and I need her support. Thankfully, Tyler has been telling Sophie where Braxton has been over the last couple of days. Braxton has been lashing out at Tyler when he is only trying to help him, so this isn’t only for me, this is for him, too. I want to show Braxton he has people who want to help him.
When Sophie arrives, she sends me a text letting me know she’s outside, and that’s when the nerves hit me. Once I hop into her car, I start trembling.
“You all right?” she asks.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I really need this to go well,” I admit.
“Don’t worry. You know he’s not thinking straight. He loves you. It’s just hard for him to see that through his misery. You’re doing the right thing.”
“Am I? What if he tells me that he doesn’t care about me anymore and that he wants nothing to do with me or the baby?” My voice is shaky.
“You always seem to look at the negative what-ifs. You need to stop. It keeps you from doing what you know in your heart is right.”
“I know. It’s just instinct for me.”
“Well, let’s get going. Tyler said he’s at The Hudson, and I don’t want to miss him.”
“Okay, before I chicken out, we should go.” I buckle up and we make our way across the city.
While she drives, I run different scenarios in my head. The good and the bad, they all play out like movies, even though I know in actuality, this is will go down nothing like that. My mouth goes dry as we pull up to the bar, and I can’t swallow past the lump in my throat.
Sophie jumps out of the car and tosses the keys to the valet, like she owns the place. I wish I had her confidence. She walks over, taking my hand to help me out of the car. Huge and pregnant, I suddenly feel out of place walking into a bar of all places. I can feel all eyes on me.
“Stand up straight, and act like you own the place. It will help make you feel more in charge, which you are,” she instructs. I lift my chin and push my shoulders back, trying my hardest to feel powerful.
We walk in with our arms linked, united together, making our way toward the back. Everyone I pass is clearly taking in my enormous basketball-sized belly, and I can sense their thoughts. They are probably thinking why the hell is a pregnant woman in a bar, but nobody knows I’m trying to save the one person whom I love the most.
When the bar comes into view, I scan the length of the long counter as my eyes finally land on Braxton, but he isn’t sitting alone. I get closer, and I notice him sitting with a blonde. I remember her from one of the first times I saw him while she threw herself all over him. My heart stops beating, and I can’t take another step. All I can do is watch.
“Why are you stopping?”
“Who is he with?” I ask as I point over to him.
“Don’t worry about who she is. You know Tyler would never let anything happen.” Sophie tries to calm me down.
“He shouldn’t need someone to watch him. He should know.”
“You don’t know what’s going on. Stop before you think of all these things that aren’t happening.”
I hear the woman laugh, but it’s that kind of laugh she thinks is cute, trying to call all the attention to herself. I stand right behind Braxton, holding onto Sophie for support. It takes a minute for him to realize someone is behind him. He looks at me, eyes bloodshot and glassy.
“Liz, what are you doing here?” he slurs.
“What am I doing here? I haven’t seen you in two days. I was worried,” I coolly state, even though I want to yell.
“You know Sasha, right? Oh, wait, you haven’t actually met. Well, now’s a better time than ever. This is Sasha,” he says, like I would ever want to get to know her.
My heart breaks. He is hanging out with the one person who has helped in hurting me so much. I don’t know what to say.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Sophie blurts out. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
Exactly what I can’t manage to say.
The look on Sasha’s face suddenly goes blank; she has no idea what she is about to get from my friend.
“What am I thinking? I’m thinking I’m having a drink at my bar, and she joined me. Is that a crime?” he asks as he finishes his drink and slams it down onto the bar.
“Are you trying to hurt me, or does this come natural to you?” I ask.
“I’ve done nothing. This is who I am. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to stay here and watch,” he spits out.
I try hard not to let that one hurt me, but it stings, and my eyes instantly cloud. I do everything in my power to hold back one of those tears from falling in front of them. I won’t let her get that satisfaction from me. I won’t give her anything; she has already taken enough.
“If I can be honest here for a second, Braxton, you really need to get a grip. You lost your mom. I get it. It hurts. We all have been dealing with it the best we can, and you act like you’re the only one who is hurt by this. Your mother would be disappointed in you right now, and I’m sure she’s rolling over in her grave at the way you’re acting. You told me you were nervous about the baby because you didn’t want to be like your father. Well, guess what? You’re acting exactly like him. Abandoning me to figure everything out. It’s time to grow the fuck up! I won’t sit around while you ruin your life and drown your sorrows like an idiot,” I say matter-of-factly.
As I take a breath, I notice I’ve gained an audience. Everyone is staring at us. Sasha has the guts to place her hand upon his shoulder in some sort of comforting gesture, which just infuriates more. The next thing I do surprises me, but it happens automatically. I push her hand off his shoulder, showing her who is in control of this situation. She scoffs with an offending look in her eye.
“You can keep your fucking prying hands off my fiancé. You sure know when to swoop in and lay claim on people when they aren’t thinking clearly. Not this time,” I snap at her, standing up for myself.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t be mad at me because you don’t know how to keep your man happy, twice.”
She doesn’t know me, and she doesn’t realize Jacob was gone a long time before she came into the picture.
“And you, Braxton, if you don’t get your shit together and stop this woe-is-me crap, you are going to wake up one day alone and miserable, realizing you’ve lost everything. You will never have anything to do with our baby if you don’t figure out what you want. I will not let her think her father doesn’t give a crap about her, like you did growing up. I don’t deserve this, and neither does she.”
He sits there like a coward staring at me, and when I see nothing in his eyes, I know I’ve lost him. He has done nothing to show me that he wants my help; it’s like I’m not even here.
“Since you have nothing to say, I’ll take that as you’ve made your choice. I really wanted to believe you weren’t putting on an act, that you really loved me, but I see the old Braxton, the one who left me lying on the couch that night. I’m just glad I saw it now before it was too late. Go back to your empty life, because I refuse to be in it any longer,” I say.
While I was talking, I didn’t notice Tyler slip behind me with Sophie. Sympathy is written all over his face. I turn around before Braxton sees the tears cascading down my face, and Tyler wraps an arm around my back, supporting my shaky legs. Not seeing Sophie with me, I stop for a second, hearing her lash out at Braxton.
“Are you just going to sit there as your friend helps your pregnant fiancée out of here? Do you have any clue how bad this is
for her and the baby? Do you even care? And her?” she screeches. “You better get your shit together and stop acting like a little bitch. I’ve told you already. She didn’t need this shit to happen to her again, and you did just that. So help me God, if I have to sit here and worry about her like I did after Jacob, I will make your life a living hell. That’s a promise. Grow up and do it fast.”
Sophie joins us, wrapping her arm around the other side of me as we walk out of the bar. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. My heart is beating out of my chest while the adrenaline surges through my veins.
“Let that sink in for a bit, the fucking nerve,” she says to Tyler.
“Look, you need to get Liz home. She doesn’t look very good. Get her in bed and stay with her,” Tyler tells her. They talk like I’m not standing here, but I’m too upset to speak. Sophie walks out the door first, and I’m mortified that everyone is staring at me while we leave.
“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I shouldn’t have done this here. This isn’t like me at all,” I apologize.
“Don’t ever think you have to say you’re sorry. He needed that. Maybe a little public humiliation will wake him up. You did great, but right now, you need to worry about yourself and that baby. We knew it was going to be bad when his mother finally left, but I never thought it would get this bad.”
The car is waiting in front when we make it out of the bar, and I climb inside without another word. During the drive home, it’s particularly quiet for the most part, but I know Sophie is trying to carefully gather her words.
“You should stay with me for the night. I don’t want you staying alone.”
“I’m fine, really. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not that person anymore,” I say.
“I can see that, and that’s not why I’m worried. I’m worried because you’re very pregnant, and I don’t want you to feel alone. You have Tyler and me by your side. What happens if Braxton comes home?”