by F. T. Zele
“Then he comes home. I don’t know what will happen, but all my stuff is there, and I just want to sleep.”
“I think you should stay with me, and if he does come home and sees you’re not there, it might help him realize you aren’t going to stand for this.”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to run from this. All I have ever done is run from the truth, but not this time.”
“Okay, well, I can stay with you. Please?”
“No, I need to do this alone. Understand that?”
“Fine, but all you have to do is call, and I’ll come right away.”
She drops me off, and I walk numbly through the house that once shared so much love. The feeling here isn’t the same anymore. I shed my clothes and crawl into bed as doubt rushes through my head, wondering if I made the right choice by ambushing him. I think that might have pushed him further away. He isn’t one who likes to be backed into a corner, and I know that, yet I still did it.
Perhaps I should have given him the time he needs to get through losing his mom. Out of anybody, I know that grieving is different for everyone, but I didn’t want to see him fall as hard as he did. I would do anything to save him, but maybe he doesn’t need me to save him.
I roll onto my side, clutch the pillow to my aching chest, and let it all out. Crying for Braxton, for Jade, and for myself. One loss has knocked all of us off our path, and I couldn’t have imagined it would be this difficult.
All I want is the caring Braxton back, if he even exists anymore.
After the whole explosion with Liz ends, I go to my office, alone and pissed off. Not knowing what I’m doing is becoming a problem, and I don’t know how to control my anger anymore. I feel so lost, like there isn’t anybody that can guide me.
I know having Sasha here was wrong, and when I saw the look on Liz’s face, it damn near killed me. I’m spinning out of control, and I don’t know how to get back on track. I love Liz with all my heart, but she knew coming to my place of business stomping her feet and demanding things wasn’t going to go over well. The second someone backs me into a corner, it triggers a negative response from me, and I don’t like to be told what to do. Years of making decisions and taking care of everything have pushed me to my limit, and I want to be reckless sometimes since I was never able to experience that growing up.
For some reason, when my mom passed, this conflicting feeling washed over me. I didn’t feel like someone was depending on me, an unusual feeling, and I could be me for once. Then dark clouds settled over my head, quickly overshadowing that feeling, and I didn’t know what to do. That is who I am—the one who takes care of people.
I know Liz needs me, and I never want to let everybody down, but as soon as the liquor starts running through my body, I can’t control anything I say or do, something I thought was not how I was anymore.
The fear of turning into my father is more apparent than ever. He was a drunk, he abandoned my mom and me, and I’m falling face first into that same path. After tonight, I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make things right with Liz. I have made one of the worst mistakes of my life with her for the second time, and I’m fearful this is going to be a pattern if I don’t learn to correct it once and for all. I can’t go home with her there, and I don’t feel like she wants me there either. To not feel welcomed in my own home is a feeling I have never had to deal with.
There is a knock on the door, and Tyler comes in. “I don’t even want to hear it right now,” I let him know.
“I don’t care what you want to hear or not hear. You’re going to listen to me anyway. It was me who had to walk your pregnant fiancée out of this bar tonight on shaky legs. I had to look at her face filled with humiliation while you had the balls to have Sasha around her. Do you even know what the fuck you’re doing anymore?” He points his finger sternly in my face as he puffs his chest out.
“You have no clue what I’m going through, so I don’t need your fucking words of wisdom.”
“You need something. Liz is pregnant with your daughter, and that’s the way you treat her? You’re fucking pitiful. You need a swift kick in the ass right about now, and I’m not opposed to doing that. You think because your mom died you can act however you want, and people need to be okay with that? You’re selfish, and this is not how your mom raised you.”
“Don’t talk about my mom. That’s a fucking low blow.”
“You need a low blow. Maybe that will knock you back into the real world. You think because she’s gone you don’t need to make her proud anymore? Or was the only reason you were half decent to people because of her? You need a strong pill of grow-the-fuck-up. Go beg for Liz’s forgiveness, or you’re going to be a lonely soul for the rest of your damn life.”
“Look, I don’t need this shit. I’m trying to sober up before I head to Jade.”
“So, you’re just going to go from bar to bar to avoid seeing Liz. You’re some sort of asshole, dude. You’re lucky this is me here and not Sophie, because she’s coming for your head. You messed up, and the difference between you and me is I learn from my mistakes. You don’t.”
“I get it,” I say, hoping to put an end to this lecture.
“Do you? Because it’s taking everything I have not to punch you in the face. Get your shit together, move on, and deal with your insecurities,” he says before stomping out, slamming the door behind him.
I lie on the couch in the office with my hands over my head as the room spins. Nothing seems right anymore, and I don’t know how to get back to there.
Scared if I step foot into my house its cold and emptiness will swallow me, shoving me deeper into my darkness, but I need to find a way. I know Liz has been here before, but asking for help isn’t something in which I’m accustomed. My pride doesn’t need that big of a hit at the moment, but what pride do I have left if I don’t have my girls by my side? I’m nothing without them.
After passing out for a couple of hours and sobering up a bit, I make the decision to reach out and hope she will understand and guide me through my own personal hell, back to where I used to be. I love that fucking woman more than anything, and we all get a little off track sometimes, but I need her more than ever. I need to feel the love that was lost, and I need to feel like I still have a purpose.
I drive home, and when I get there, I realize it’s way past a normal hour to be having this conversation. I plan on slipping in, grabbing a shower, and sleeping on the couch. When I open the bedroom door, I hear sniffles coming from her side of the bed. Sniffles that have the power to tear out my heart and stomp on it on the ground. I did that to her. I broke my promise of never making her cry again. The creaking of the door causes her look over, and I’m faced with her tear-stained face. I’m gutted.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, and I feel like a stranger in my house.
“I had nowhere else to go, and everything kept leading me back here. If you want me to go, I will.”
“This is your house.”
“This is our house. This will always be our house. You know this.”
“I don’t really feel like it anymore. You promised me, and you broke my heart, again. I can’t go through life always wondering if you’re going to keep doing this to me.” She sits up in bed, looking at me.
“I know what I did, and I don’t know how to make it right. I swear nothing happened between Sasha and me. She was there, and we had a drink. That’s all,” I tell her the truth.
“I don’t care about Sasha. She’s irrelevant to me right now. What I care about is all the plans we made and how you’re sabotaging them one by one. Do you even want this anymore?”
“I want this. I just don’t know how to move on. I have never been without my mom, and it’s killing me. Liz, I had to make the decision to pull the plug, I made the decision, nobody else. What if she would had woken up if I had changed my mind?”
“Is that what this is all about?”
“I fucking killed her. I feel responsible. I took it
all away. She stopped breathing because of me!” I scream.
“You didn’t kill her. How can you say that? She was sick and on life support. The disease took her from us. You made the decision to stop the suffering. Braxton, in my heart, I don’t believe she would have woken up and been able to breathe on her own. Her lungs failed.”
“You don’t know that. If I had just waited a couple of days, maybe she could have pulled through it.”
“If the doctors thought she had any chance of surviving, they wouldn’t have given you the choice when they did. She gave you the power to decide for her because she thought you would do what was right, and you did. She isn’t in pain anymore. Doesn’t that make you feel a little better? That you stopped her suffering?” she states. I walk over to her side of the bed, feeling so alone, needing to be near her.
“I don’t know how to stop this anger from raging inside me, and because of this anger, I let you down. I’m always going to let you down. Haven’t you figured that out yet? Why can’t you see that I destroy everything that is good in my life?”
“I have been where you are, and it might have taken me a long time to see it, but there is life after loss. That life is you and our daughter.” She grabs her stomach.
The second she touches her stomach and cuddles the bump that holds our baby, emotions flood me. I can’t lose this. I need her. I need her to be strong for us and show me how to make it through. I fall to my knees in front of her, dropping my head to her lap, clutching her stomach.
“I’m sorry, Liz. I’m so fucking sorry. Please, forgive me. I’m fucking reaching out to you. I need you to help me.” I start crying as I beg her to drag me out of this darkness. “I love you. I never meant to hurt you. Give me another chance. I need one more chance.” As the tears pour out of my eyes while I fight for my life back, she runs her fingers through the hair on the back of my head.
“I love you, we love you, and we need you. I can’t do this on my own, and I don’t want to. I just want you back. I don’t want to be scared when you don’t come home that I will never see you again. I can’t be scared that every time you go out, you’re getting drunk somewhere. I won’t live like that,” she confesses.
“I don’t want you to be scared. I want what we had before this whole nightmare started.”
“This is your last chance, Braxton. I don’t have any more chances for you after this. I will do this on my own if I’m forced to, but I would rather do this with you.”
“Thank you for not giving up on me.” My cries begin to slow down as a sliver of relief starts to set in.
“We are starting from broken. You’re the one who told me that. Just don’t make me regret anything.”
“I promise.” I lift my head and lock eyes with her, so she can see how much I mean this. After getting up, I give her a soft kiss on her lips. I wrap my arms around her, vowing never to let her down again.
“I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be right back, so don’t fall asleep on me,” I say and head to the bathroom.
Once I’m out of the shower, I crawl into bed with her, holding her close to me with my hands resting on her belly. For the first time in weeks, I feel at home, and I feel like everything is going to be all right. We lie together while I place light kisses on the back of her head, not saying a word.
“I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. I’m sick of having to go to the bathroom every ten minutes,” she huffs and gets out of bed. While I wait for her to return, I thank God for bringing such an amazing person into my life. “Braxton!” she yells. I jump up quickly, rushing to the bathroom, finding her sitting on the floor and clutching her stomach.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, terrified.
“Something doesn’t feel right. Oww.” She winces in pain.
“I’m going to call the doctor. Don’t move,” I say as I run to grab my phone off the nightstand.
“I need to go to the hospital. Something’s wrong. There’s blood!” she yells through her tears.
“I’ll call the doctor from the car. Let me help you up. We’re going to the hospital right now.” I clutch her under her arms, helping her stand. “I’ve got you. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine.” This is all my fault. The stress I’ve put her through has done this. I try to remain calm, so I can help her and not make it worse. “I’m going to get you to the hospital. Don’t worry,” I tell her again, hoping she believes me because I’m not sure I believe myself.
Once I get her to the car and buckle her seatbelt, I haul ass down the highway to the hospital. Finding the doctor’s name in my phone, I hit Send. “Dr. Hensley, this is Braxton Wright. You’re on speakerphone. We are on our way to the hospital. Liz is bleeding and in pain, and I don’t know what’s wrong,” I say quickly, hoping he heard everything I said in the rush.
“I’ll meet you guys there. Liz, where is the pain and how much are you bleeding?” he asks.
“My stomach, it’s shooting pains. And I don’t know how much.”
“There’s blood, a lot. Is she going to be okay?” I ask.
“Liz, I need you to calm down. Take some breaths. I’m already out the door. I’m going to call the hospital and let them know.”
“Thanks, Doctor, we should be there soon.” I hang up, so I can concentrate on driving and keeping her calm.
“Baby, just breathe. I know it hurts. Here, squeeze my hand. We’re almost there.” I give her my hand while I use the other one to drive.
After I drive us to the hospital as quickly as possible, I pull up to the doors and hop out, so I can grab someone to get a wheelchair for Liz. I run through the sliding doors and grab the first person I see.
“My fiancée, she’s pregnant and bleeding. Help her,” I blurt out as the man grabs a wheelchair and follows me out to the car.
“Hi, Miss, can you tell me your name?” he asks her.
“Liz, my name is Liz.”
“Hi, Liz. I’m Mike, and I’m going to take you to the labor and delivery floor, so we can see what’s going on. Dr. Hensley has already called, and we have a room ready for you. When did this start?” he questions as he wheels her away from the car.
“I’m going to park my car. What floor?”
“The fifth floor. I’ve got her, so don’t worry.”
I park my car and run across the parking lot to get back inside. I bump into Dr. Hensley in front of the elevators. “Dr. Hensley, they took Liz upstairs. She’s bleeding pretty badly. What do you think this is?” Once the elevator dings, the doors open, and we hop in.
“I don’t know yet. I need to check her out, get an ultrasound going, and check the baby first. She’s where she needs to be right now. I’ll take good care of her,” he says so evenly, like he isn’t concerned at all.
When we arrive on the fifth floor, a nurse tells us Liz’s room number, and the doctor grabs her chart while I make my way there first. Guilt consumes me again as I think just when things start to work themselves out, we are thrown into this.
“The doctor is here and should be in any second,” I say as I stand beside Liz in the bed and hold her hand.
“Braxton, what happens if something is wrong with her? Maybe this is because I didn’t know I was pregnant for so long. This is all my fault,” she cries.
“I know this is hard, but try to stay calm. We don’t know anything. The doctor will take care of you.”
“This doesn’t seem right. I can’t lose another baby. I just can’t.”
God, I forgot about the baby she lost when she was married. She must be scared out of her mind. I become even more worried that this might be something bigger. The doctor comes in with another person who is wheeling in a machine.
“Liz, we’re going to do an ultrasound. We’re also going to hook up some monitors around your stomach to hear the baby’s heartbeat and observe the contractions you’re having. That’s the pain you’re feeling.”
“Okay,” she says with apprehension in her voice.
“I’m going to c
all Sophie. You know she will freak out if she doesn’t know,” I say.
“I don’t think she wants to hear from you right now.”
“I don’t care. She needs to know and needs to be here, too.” I don’t want to be in the way while they hook her up to the monitors, so I step outside to make the call. “Sophie,” I say when she answers.
“Braxton? Why are you calling me so late? Is everything okay, or are you just drunk?” she asks with a groggy voice full with attitude.
“It’s Liz. We’re at the hospital. She started bleeding and having pain. You need to get here.”
“What? What happened? Is she all right?”
“I don’t know. She’s really scared, Sophie, and I know she needs you here.”
“I’m on my way.” She hangs up the phone.
As I walk back into Liz’s room, I hear the baby’s heart beating on the monitor. “All right. Well, the heartbeat is strong. That’s a good thing. Let’s see what’s going on inside,” Dr. Hensley says as he starts looking around the screen. He doesn’t say much, and his lack of words makes me more anxious. He finishes, wipes off the gel from Liz’s stomach, and pulls down her gown. “I’ll be right back,” he says and walks out, not telling us what’s going on.
I feel helpless. Finally, the doctor walks back in and pulls up the stool next to me.
“It seems as though you’re experiencing placental abruption. It’s when the placenta peels away from the wall of the uterus. It is very dangerous for you and the baby. The amount of blood loss you have already experienced is the deciding factor that we are going to have to get you in for an emergency C-section. The baby looks fine, and her measurements are good. She measures around five pounds. The amount of blood loss isn’t good, though, and I need to get you into surgery right away. I have told the desk to get the room ready, and we will be wheeling you back any minute. So hang tight.”
I look at Liz as tears stream down her face, not knowing how to react to this. I’m going to be a dad, tonight. I wasn’t prepared for this. “You’re going to be fine. They’re going to do everything possible to make sure you and our baby are fine,” I try to convince her and myself.