I Want

by Jo Briggs

  In the end, Elle caved in to William’s persuasion, and decided to put her relationship first.

  With that settled, they discussed the idea of marriage in vague terms, but never done anything official about it. At least that is how it appeared to Elle.

  But little did she know that it had taken William ages to find a jewellery designer he was happy to commission such a pierce to. He had drawn the design for an engagement and wedding ring himself and was exceedingly particular about what metal, setting and cut it would take. As part of his inheritance, his mother left him several 10 carat uncut diamonds to be used for his future wife.

  Satisfied that he had found the perfect jeweller he planned to propose properly once he had completed the latest deal.

  In the meanwhile, they were enjoying trying for a baby. Elle did not want to wait until she was 25 and more prone to stretch marks. Their sex life was still as adventurous and passionate as the first time they made love, but the amount had settled down due to his now more frequent business trips to Italy where he was negotiating this new deal.

  August 2003

  William was away on a trip for a week.

  As well as the suspicious absence of her period for the past couple of weeks, Elle had been experiencing increasing bouts of nausea and tenderness, so had resorted to buying bought a triple pack of pregnancy tests, hoping to have some news to tell William upon his return, but each stick only showed the single negative line.

  She had expected to fall pregnant straightaway so with this fourth month in a row failing to show a positive result, Elle was beginning to feel frustrated.

  Dejected, Elle could not help but take her grouchiness out on a clueless William when called her that day and started asking what lingerie she was wearing.

  All week they had been discussing the events of the day and having a little phone sex fun to take the edge of their sexual frustrations of not being able to see each other for so long.

  “Do you ever think about anything other than what is between your legs?” She complained fiercely.

  “Hey, that is rather harsh statement.”

  “Well, I feel sick, and I am certainly not in the mood to talk dirty with you.”

  “How am I supposed to know that? You said you were fine when I asked how your day went at the beginning of the conversation.”

  “Well, I have changed my mind since then. I am allowed to change my mind without seeking your permission, can’t I?”

  William was used to Elle’s fierce premenstrual moods, but he like her had hoped they would be absent this month and for the next nine. She often burst into tears or hung up on him at the slightest disagreement during those hormone sensitive days.

  Taking a breath “Elle,” He started in a quiet tone. “Has your period made an appearance?”

  “No!”

  He was quite surprised by this answer feeling sure her mood swing would be down to that.

  “But it is later than normal is it not?” He could not remember the last time they had to abstain, but her curse was never that regular.

  “Yes.”

  “So there may still be hope, don’t you think?”

  “I bought three tests.”

  “And?”

  “They were all negative.”

  “Perhaps they are faulty, or it is just too early to detect.”

  “Maybe, my mother was right all along when she said there is something wrong with me.”

  For the last year, he had tried to eradicate all the negativity her mother had instilled in her. Comments that led to her self-doubt about her attractiveness when compared to her “angel” sister Jess. And the fluctuating state of her ovulation meaning she would never be able to keep providing any husband with a family. Mostly, he had been successful in his endeavour to build up her confidence, but sometimes her mother slipped through a crack in her defences.

  He growled. “Don’t say things like that. There is nothing wrong with you.”

  “Then why am I not pregnant? I should be at the top of my prime for becoming a mother.”

  William sighed. Being at the end of a phone line rather than in the same room for this type of conversation made reassuring her that much harder.

  “If you want we both can go and discuss getting investigated once I come back from this trip if that will put your mind at rest?”

  William did not have to see her to know she had tears of relief rolling down her cheeks. He cursed the anonymous woman who had given birth to her but never dared to show her face now that he was on the scene.

  ~~~

  They never did get to make the appointment for news of a catalyst event came the day he returned, which culminated with her decision to leave him four months later.

  The Last time

  December 2003

  Once satisfied that her belongings were in the boot of her car, Elle slammed the heavy oak front door closed behind her, at the same time, fully aware she was also slamming the door on her relationship with William Dexter.

  Elle gulped down the sensation of guilt that she suffered for taking the coward’s way out by leaving whilst he was on a business trip. She felt she was no longer able to deal with the look of pain on his face, whenever he tried to talk about what happened. She shared his sense of emptiness, but was unable to express it into words. She had tried endlessly, but each time her throat seized up, and no sound came out - just an endless stream of tears, which seemed to frustrate him to no end.

  Settling in the 4x4, she plugged her phone into the car’s hands-free system, and set off on her journey from Derbyshire to Berkshire, where one of her sisters lived. Only one member of her family, Cate, knew she planned to leave Derbyshire forever, and head for New York. Activating the voice dialling on her phone, she connected through to her sister’s home number.

  “Hello.” Cate’s familiar voice came over the speaker.

  “Hey, it’s me.” The subdued tone in Elle's voice was becoming more than a regular occurrence.

  “Ah, are you on your way?” Cate’s voice came again, tight and restrained from what she truly wanted to say”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Cate checked one last time, after earlier unsuccessfully attempts, to persuade Elle to stay, and work through her problems with William.

  Elle recognised that this was going to be hard, but she could see no other way. The stabbing pain from the healing wound caused by her accident, and the pain from her breaking heart merged into one. “No, I do not want to do this, but I cannot stay either.” She sensed a wetness forming against the fabric of her blouse, as her silent tears rolled off her cheeks as she recalled the turbulent past few months.

  Elle arrived at her sister’s place several hours later, after a brief stop for food. Cate underwent a feeling of shock by how pale and thin she looked, in comparison to how she had appeared six weeks earlier, at their parents, Stephanie and Hugo Benedict’s funeral.

  “My god, you look awful. Have you not been eating properly?” Cate questioned, as they settled on the sofa.

  “Gee, thanks for the confidence boost.” Elle responded drolly. “I have been eating properly, but the pain medication since the accident has been making me continuously sick, on top of all the haywire hormones from the loss of the pregnancy.”

  Neither of them had been especially close to their parents, but the joint loss of the abruptness of their death, followed by a traumatic horse riding accident resulting in the loss of her baby at eight weeks, had led to her bolting from her relationship with William.

  “What does the doctor say? Surely, it cannot be beneficial for the pain medication to be making you continuously sick.”

  “The doctor has put me on a weaker dosage, which has eased the sickness significantly. I now have to register with a new doctor in New York, as soon as I have arrived there, as they want to keep my anaemia monitored for a few more weeks.”

  “Have you warned Annette and Lawrence of your imminent arrival yet?” Annette
and Lawrence were their aunt and uncle, with whom she planned to stay with in New York, until she found a place of her own.

  “No, I need to call them today, although I doubt they will mind the possibility of a live-in babysitter for a few weeks.”

  “Very true, I am sure they will understand the lack of notice under the circumstances.”

  Elle met Cate’s disapproving tone with a sigh, and a raised eyebrow. “I know you do not approve of the way I left William, Cate, but, please stop going on about it. I did not take the decision lightly. It’s for the best; you have not seen how the darkness of our loss has affected the harmony we used to share.”

  “I understand that relationships end, and god knows yours has had every reason to fail, with the strain of everything you have been under, but I simply do not get why you had to leave him, whilst he was on a business trip.”

  “He would have done everything to make me stay - in the end that would have made us just hate each other. This way, once the hurt, has dispersed; we might have a chance to stay cordial when we meet at unavoidable events, after Jess and Charlie marry.”

  “And what do I say to him, when he comes looking for you?”

  “I don’t expect you to lie about my whereabouts, just tell him that it’s for the best.”

  “Sure, I will tell him because you are my sister, but I think you are foolish to throw away everything just because of one hurdle-granted it’s a tremendous hurdle, but I am sure you could work through it in time, once the pain had lessened.”

  “Cate, I have made my decision.” Elle repeated in an exasperated tone, and walked out of the room, leaving Cate to shake her head in frustration behind her.

  Later, the same day, Elle placed a call to her aunt and uncle in New York, to get their agreement to stay with them, until she found her own condominium. Afterwards, she experienced a sense of relief that the burden of having to tell them that she had left William was over. They had not said much on the phone, but she could tell her aunt shared Cate’s opinion that she should have stayed, and fought for her relationship.

  The next couple of days passed without incident. Cate and Elle stayed within the confines of the house due to the icy, biting December winds, and occupying their time reading, and talking through their career plans.

  Elle managed to avoid any further confessions, despite many calls from Jess asking her to call her back. She knew if she had made contact with Jess before she stepped on the plane, the information would find its way to William, through Charlie, in a heartbeat.

  Despite the unanswered calls to Elle’s smartphone, Jess had not attempted to call Cate’s home directly, so during a conversation that morning; she and Cate concluded no one suspected Elle of being there. Thus, it was unexpected when the doorbell rang.

  The noise startled Elle from her light slumber. Raising herself to a seated position, she rang a hand nervously through her curls, unconsciously tousling up the flattened side. She had been snoozing on the library’s sofa, whilst Cate was sitting at a nearby table, going over new photographs that she had been developing in her dark room.

  Disconcerted, they exchanged glances, neither making a move to go and see who was out there.

  “Are you expecting anyone?” Elle said uneasily.

  Cate shook her head. “No.”

  The doorbell rang again, the sound echoing dimly through the elegant hallway of wood and marble.

  “Can we just ignore it?” Elle suggested, with a desperate hope of burying her head in the sand a while long, the slight immaturity of her young age hinting through.

  Spending the last two days discussing with Cate all the recent events, from their parents’ death, to her miscarrying her baby, had been emotionally draining beyond measure-she was not strong enough to refuse to see William.

  For a third time, the doorbell rang - a longer burst this time.

  “No, we are going to have to be grown-ups, and deal with this.” Cate rationalised sensibly. “Let me try to talk to him.” It was a forgone conclusion, for both, that it would inevitably be William at the door.

  Cate left the library, shooting a last glance uncomfortably at her sister, as Elle followed a few steps behind. Remaining out of sight of whoever was at the front door, Elle leaned against a wall, and held her breath, as Cate opened the door.

  There were hushed tones exchanged, which Elle was unable to make out even as she craned her neck closer to hear better.

  “I know Elle is here, Cate. I need to talk to her.” Elle could detect the weariness in his voice. A fatigue she heard in his voice many times in the last few weeks since her accident, and resulting surgery. All the sorrow had disturbed her sleep pattern to such an extent that William would stay up late into the night, to comfort her through long bouts of crying. Because of his own lack of sleep, his irritability had been heightened to new levels, as her depressive state seemed to extend on and on, with no end in sight. It had led to a few heated exchanges between them, and William telling her that she needed to pick herself up, and move on.

  “Will, I understand you have had a long drive, but she has already been through so much that I do not think it’s a good idea at the moment.”

  “I am asking for only a few minutes. I accept it’s over, but I cannot bear to let it end without at least making peace with her.”

  “I agree it’s sensible to make peace, in light of the inevitability that you, and she will probably meet again in the future with Jess and Charlie moving towards marriage, but it’s too raw to expect to do her to do that so soon. Just give it time, and I am sure she will agree to meet with you.”

  A few moments of silence passed, and then Elle heard a rustling of what sounded like paper.

  “Fine. Can you at least tell her that I bear her no ill-will for leaving, and just give her these for me?” William responded, sounding resigned to the fact that his need to see her would not be satisfied on this occasion.

  Elle peered around the wall, to see if she could view what he handed to Cate without him seeing her. She gulped, seeing a large bouquet of lilies in Cate’s arms. She felt the significance of the gift cause a deep, stabbing pain in her chest.

  Closing her eyes briefly in reluctant acceptance, Elle knew what she needed to do next.

  “Of course, I...” Cate stopped speaking in midsentence, becoming distracted by the noise of Elle’s heels tapping on the floor. As Elle moved into focus, Cate turned her head, shooting her sister an inquisitive look.

  “Cate, its fine. Let him in.” Elle said walking into view of the front door, her pulse racing, as she lifted her calm gaze to meet William’s surprised one. Blue met green equally, as Cate continued to look from Elle, and back to William, trying to get a measure of what each was thinking.

  Slowly, Cate moved to the side of the doorframe, to allow William entrance into the hallway. He stepped forward as she did so, keeping his eyes fully locked on Elle, ignoring Cate’s presence for a moment, until she broke his silent trance. “Take Will into the drawing room.” Cate instructed as she turned to her sister. “I will go and place these in a vase in the kitchen.”

  Waiting until they were alone, he finally uttered softly, “Thank you for agreeing to see me.”

  Elle could not find her voice yet, and simply nodded, before gesturing to the ajar door leading to the drawing room.

  With a nervous smile, William moved past her, and into the indicated room. She breathed in a waft of his cologne as he did so. Elle took another deep breath, trying to hold back the welling up of tears, as the familiarity of the smell, and the fact it would be the last time she would smell it on him, overwhelmed her.

  Entering the room, she pushed the door partially closed, leaving enough of a gap, that Cate would hear if it were wise to enter when she returned. William was standing in his usual pose, with his back to the room by the window, staring out at the view. Taking a seat, she waited for several moments, before he turned and spoke.

  “As I said to your sister, this will take just a few minute
s.” His voice trembled with obvious emotion.

  Elle stared down at her hands, allowing him to continue without interruption.

  “I accept that there is no going back from your decision to leave, but I just needed to see you one last...” He paused, obviously struggling to get his words out. “...one last time, to say sorry, sorry for not being supportive enough. I know I am guilty of letting business get in the way of us being able to grieve together.”

  Elle looked up for the first time since he started talking, an expression of wonder written on her face. For weeks, she felt guilty for not being able to express her grief into words with him. She had thought his anger had been over the frustration of her endless crying, rather than talking it through. Hearing that he felt blameable, for not being able to spend enough time to help get them through their grief together, threw her thoughts totally off balance. “You should not feel guilty for having to go to work. I am just sorry for all the nights; I kept you up with my endless crying, rather than talking about it. Maybe if, I had been able to open up more, we would not be in this position today,” she said looking away from his gaze.

  “Do not tear yourself up about it – each of us could have done things better in hindsight, but losing your parents, and the baby in a short space of time is enough to make anyone struggle to discuss things. I know I went into a shutdown mode when my mother and father died.”

  Elle offered him a weak smile, as she did not trust herself to speak. She was trying her utmost to resist listening to the inner voice screaming in her head to ask for another chance since he seemed to share her regret. But, this misunderstanding had hit her with the cold reality that, no matter how much she still loved him, she needed to be alone, to do some growing up.

  “Anyway,” He said letting out a deep sigh. “I think my few minutes are up. I guess I will be seeing you at Charlie’s from time to time.”