by Amelia Autin
When he finally ended the kiss, Rennie stared at him in a dazed fashion. “What was that for?”
He settled his hat on his head, then tugged at the brim in the way that was becoming familiar to her. “Ask me tonight and I’ll tell you.” His wicked grin was back. “See you in a bit.”
* * *
Ten o’clock came and went, with no sign of Gideon. Fifteen minutes later Rennie checked her watch for the third time, glanced down at Andrew who was starting to fidget, then went inside the house for a toy to occupy him.
No sooner had she stepped back onto the front porch than Gideon’s pickup truck drove up, pulling a horse trailer. Gideon got out.
“Sorry I’m late,” he called as he went around the back. “Took me a little longer than I thought.” He unlatched the trailer gate and let down the ramp, then disappeared inside.
Rennie put down the box of blocks she’d just brought out, picked Andrew up and walked over. “I wondered where you were. I thought you were just meeting someone in Carter’s Junction. I didn’t know you were going to Emily’s also, to fetch Nicki’s horse.”
“I didn’t.” Gideon carefully backed a horse out of the trailer, a compact chestnut mare that looked familiar to Rennie.
“Sweetwater!” A soft whinny answered her. Rennie looked from the horse to her husband. “Gideon, you didn’t!”
He smiled, took Andrew from her and handed her the lead rope. “She’s yours, Rennie. I called her owner from Casper and arranged to buy her.”
“But...why?” She stroked the mare’s nose with her free hand. “I mean, you have plenty of horses. You didn’t need to buy another one just for me.”
“I wanted to. I saw how you felt about her and how she responded to you. That kind of rapport with a horse is something special.”
Andrew was wriggling in his father’s arms, trying to pat Sweetwater, and Gideon shifted him so he could. “Be gentle,” he told his son firmly. “Be very gentle.” Then he looked down at Rennie. “And I wanted a way to thank you for rescuing Nicki.”
The tiny leaves of a new emotion unfurled inside her, but she didn’t recognize it for what it was. Confused and uncertain, she said, “You still didn’t have to do this. Having Nicki back safe is thanks enough.”
“Yeah, but I know how dangerous it was and how much courage it took to do what you did. I should have told you at the time, but I didn’t. I just wanted you to know how much it meant to me.” He hesitated, then added, “I told you last night that you were the best thing that’s happened to my family, and to me, in a long time. I wasn’t just saying that—it’s the truth.” He cupped her cheek gently, then bent and brushed his lips over hers. “And I thank God for sending you to us.”
* * *
The memory of that day remained with Rennie for weeks afterward, sustaining her through the inevitable difficulties and problems that arose.
She wrote an optimistic, rambling letter to Jess and received a terse one in response. It came in a plain white envelope with no return address, and was simply signed “Jess,” just as she’d requested. She hated the subterfuge, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She replied the next day.
“I’m home now,” she wrote. “And I’m happy.”
Everything she longed for seemed to be within her grasp. Andrew and Trina quickly became attached to her, and she to them. Trina was a joy to mother, always trying to help, always asking questions, and most important, always wanting to be kissed or cuddled. All the love and attention Rennie lavished on her was reaping its own reward. And the bundle of inexhaustible energy that was Andrew kept her running from morning to night, but she loved it. A hundred times a day she responded to his call of “Wemmy!” He brought her things: a pebble he found in the yard, a button that fell off his shirt, and once, a still-wiggling worm which she thanked him for before discreetly disposing of it.
And her relationship with Gideon was thriving. She went to sleep in his arms every night, her body damp and sated from his lovemaking. Every morning she woke to find herself still held within his embrace. And they talked. In the evenings after the children were asleep they discussed the minutiae of their respective days. To an outsider it might not seem much, but Rennie knew those shared, peaceful moments out of their hectic days were drawing them closer than she had dared hope.
Only Nicki remained a problem. When Gideon was around, Nicki was polite and helpful, although still a bit sullen. It was a different story altogether when he wasn’t there. Rennie had never known anyone who could silently convey resentment and dislike as well as Nicki could, without ever actually resorting to outright rudeness.
Then things began disappearing. Little things to begin with: a shopping list, a pair of earrings, a book she was reading. At first Rennie scarcely noticed, thinking she’d just misplaced them. But when school finally let out and the girls were around all day a pattern began to develop, and Rennie’s suspicions inevitably settled on Nicki. She refused to tell Gideon. This was between Nicki and her, and Rennie was determined to work it out on her own.
* * *
Rennie and Gideon had been married a month when Emily Holden stopped by for a visit. The friendship that had begun the night Nicki ran away had grown in the ensuing weeks. Emily was a few years older than Rennie, but they had a lot in common, not the least of which was their love of children, Gideon’s children especially.
Emily knocked at the kitchen door, and when no one answered, stuck her head inside the screen door.
“Anybody home?”
“Emily!” Rennie swiped at her tear-stained cheeks and pasted a welcoming smile on her face. “What brings you out here?”
Emily’s bright eyes didn’t miss a thing. “I had some free time this morning, and I thought I’d stop and see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” Rennie said with false brightness. “Can you stay awhile? Where are the boys?”
“They went fishing in the mountains with Jim. The doctor told him he needed to slow down, take a day off every now and then. Which he refuses to do, of course. So I had a little chat with Seth and Matt, and they talked their grandfather into this fishing trip.”
The two women shared a conspiratorial smile about the male of the species, then Rennie pulled out a chair at the table for Emily and said, “Can I get you something? Coffee? Ice tea?”
“Black coffee sounds good, if it’s fresh.”
“If there’s one thing I know about running a ranch house,” Rennie said as she got down a coffee cup from the cabinet, “it’s to always keep a fresh pot of coffee on the stove.” She filled the cup and set it in front of Emily. “How about a piece of apple cobbler? I tried that recipe you gave me last week.”
“Well—” Rennie could see Emily struggling against temptation “—a small piece might tempt me.”
“One small piece coming up.” Rennie fetched plates and forks, then cut a piece of cobbler for Emily and one for herself. “Here you go.”
Emily took a bite, savoring it. “Mmm, it’s good.” She watched Rennie push her piece of cobbler around the plate, then said, “I know it’s not my business, but what’s so wrong that you have to cry in the middle of the day?”
Rennie stopped and looked up. She tried for a smile and failed miserably. “Oh, it’s nothing. Really.”
“Um-hm. I always cry over nothing, too.”
“You’ll think it’s silly.”
“I doubt it.”
Rennie hesitated, then said, “I...misplaced my wedding ring. I took it off when I was scrubbing the kitchen floor. I...thought I left it on my dresser, but when I went back to get it, it...wasn’t there.” This time she succeeded in forcing a smile, but it was a wan effort. “See, I told you it was silly.”
“It’s not silly. I know exactly how you feel. Maybe you put it somewhere else and just forgot.”
Rennie shook her head. “I’ve searched everywhere. Twice.”
“Maybe one of the children found it. Have you asked them?”
Rennie’s eyes
shifted away. “No, I...Andrew’s asleep, and the girls are playing outside.”
If Emily suspected Rennie was hiding something, she kept her thoughts to herself this time. She patted Rennie’s hand consolingly. “It’ll turn up. Wait and see.”
Emily took another bite of her apple cobbler and changed the subject. “How are things with Gideon?”
If Rennie thought it strange to be confiding in Johanna’s sister about Johanna’s former husband, she ignored it. Emily was a friend. And she needed a friend right now.
“Things are...good,” she said. Then she looked up shyly. “Better than good, actually.”
“I’m glad. For him and for you.” Emily hesitated, then said, “You know, Jo would have wanted him to marry again. She loved Gideon very much, and she’d want him to be happy.”
“He is happy.” Rennie spoke from the heart. “At least, as happy as he can be with Nicki the way she is.”
“Is she still making trouble for you?”
“I don’t mean that. I mean her not speaking.” Rennie stopped, suddenly taken aback. “How did you know Nicki was causing problems?”
“I didn’t. But knowing her, I guessed.”
So intent were they on their conversation that neither woman saw the silent shadow that crept up to the kitchen screen door and peered inside.
Emily shook her head. “It doesn’t seem fair, does it. After everything you went through the night she ran away—figuring out where she’d gone, finding the spot where she went over the cliff, climbing down to rescue her—after all that, it just doesn’t seem fair she should treat you badly.”
A gasp from the doorway drew their attention. Nicki was standing there.
Chapter 13
Rennie’s chair scraped across the kitchen floor as she stood up. Nicki’s shocked immobility told her the girl had overheard something that had profoundly affected her. She took a step toward her, but before Rennie could say anything, Nicki suddenly bolted.
Rennie went after her. She tossed a few words over her shoulder to Emily about watching in case Andrew awakened from his nap, but didn’t wait for a response. The screen door slammed open when she hit it running, rattling its hinges. She caught a flash of movement as Nicki rounded the corner of the house, and she followed.
“Nicki, wait!” But Nicki just darted around a parked pickup truck and headed for the horse barn. The door was open and she ran inside, disappearing into its shadowed interior.
Although her hip protested with an angry twinge, Rennie didn’t slow until she entered the barn. When her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she began searching for the girl. She went first to Cheyenne’s stall, thinking to find Nicki there, but without any luck. Then she systematically went from one stall to another, most of them empty, peering inside each one.
A slight rustling sound made her pause. Rennie cocked her head, listening intently. There it was again. Overhead. She found the ladder leading into the hayloft. She climbed it quickly.
Nicki was huddled in the far corner, curled up into a tight ball of misery. She couldn’t fail to hear Rennie’s approach but she ignored it as if by doing so she could make Rennie go away. Nicki wasn’t crying. Rennie almost wished she were, because it would have made things easier.
So instead of putting her arms around Nicki as she wanted to, Rennie sat down beside her and waited. She wrapped her arms around her knees and watched the dust motes swirling in a shaft of sunlight from a window above them. And waited. And waited.
Eventually her patience was rewarded. Nicki uncurled slowly, raising a dry-eyed face so full of pain and remorse that tears sprang to Rennie’s eyes. Her heart ached for Nicki, and she knew from her own experience the emotions the girl was feeling.
“You took my wedding ring this morning, didn’t you?”
The question obviously hadn’t been expected, and Nicki’s eyes widened in surprise. Guilt replaced the surprise and she nodded slowly.
“And all those other things, too?”
A quick bob of her blond head confirmed it. Although filled with guilt, her eyes bravely met Rennie’s. Something in their depths reached out to her, an appeal for understanding and forgiveness she probably wasn’t even aware of. Rennie carefully trod the path through emotional quicksand, knowing that the wrong approach now could ruin everything.
“I knew it was you. I’ll bet you’re wondering why I didn’t tell your father.” The girl hesitated, then nodded, and Rennie said gently, “I kept quiet because I knew it would hurt him deeply, and I don’t ever want to do that.”
She was close, very close. Nicki’s lips were trembling and she swallowed visibly. Rennie pressed on. “Do you love your father, Nicki?”
Her stepdaughter gulped and sniffed. Her hands were tightly clenched, fingers wrapped around fingers. Rennie longed to touch her, but held back.
“I think you do. I think you love him more than anything in the world. Sometimes, when we love someone that much we get scared that the person we love will stop loving us. Or leave us.” She paused, then added softly, deliberately, “Or die.”
Nicki moved convulsively, then was still.
“In our fear we do things that make it look like we don’t love them at all. My father died when I was fifteen. I loved him more than anything, and I felt my world had come to an end. I was angry with God for taking him away from me, and I was angry with my father for leaving me when I loved him so much. But he wasn’t there, so I took that anger out on the whole world, including my mother. I carried that anger for a long time.
“When my mother remarried I was doubly angry with her. I told myself, ‘She never loved Daddy, never. How could she marry someone else if she did?’ I said some hateful things to her, things I didn’t really mean in my heart. But I never got the chance to take them back. I never got the chance to tell her how much I loved her. She died, Nicki. She died before I could.”
A sob burst from Nicki, then another, and another. She covered her face with her hands, her whole body shaking as she fought not to cry. Without thinking Rennie reached over and pulled the little girl into her arms. Nicki resisted for only a moment, then her slender frame collapsed against Rennie, seeking comfort and absolution.
Rennie cuddled her close, resting her cheek against Nicki’s bright head, stroking her hair, and making calming, comforting sounds, easing her stepdaughter’s pain.
“Shh. It’s okay.” The simple words, echoes of the same words Gideon had used to comfort Andrew when he cried, seemed to be exactly what Nicki needed. She buried her face against Rennie’s shoulder and wept.
Rennie just held her and let her cry, knowing the healing power of tears. After a long time the tears ceased, but Nicki made no attempt to free herself from Rennie’s embrace.
Into the silence floated the mundane sounds of the horses below, snorts, the stamp of a shod hoof, soft nickers. Outside the barn, she heard a truck drive up. A door slammed and male voices rumbled. Yet Nicki still clung to her and Rennie refused to abandon this opportunity to gain the girl’s trust.
“You’ve been angry for a long time, Nicki. Angry and scared. Those emotions don’t leave much room for love. Don’t you think it’s time you let them go?”
The body in her arms stiffened as if in protest, then relaxed once more. Her nod was almost imperceptible, but Rennie felt the slight movement. She smiled softly over Nicki’s head.
“Your father’s a good man, and he tries very hard to be a good father. He makes mistakes sometimes, but he loves you all very much and he does his best for you. That’s why he married me. He wanted you and Trina and Andrew to have someone to love you and help him take care of you. Someone who wouldn’t leave. He never meant to hurt you. He’d rather die than do anything to hurt his children. You know that in your heart, don’t you?”
Again that slight nod. Rennie tightened her hold, knowing that her next statement would be the riskiest of all.
“When you care about someone, their pain becomes yours. That’s why I had to find you when you ran
away. I had to, Nicki, because I care about your father. I’m not really very heroic or brave, but you were missing, and it was tearing him apart. We had to find you. Can you understand?”
Nicki pulled away and stared at Rennie for several heartbeats, her young face mirroring her internal struggle to comprehend and accept these very grown-up concepts.
Rennie reached over, tucked a strand of pale, fine hair behind Nicki’s ear, and smiled crookedly. “I already love Andrew and Trina. I want to love you, too. Won’t you let me?”
Two tears trickled down Nicki’s cheeks. She wiped them away but others replaced them. Her lips parted as if to speak, but no words came. She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration, and when they opened again they were filled with such yearning intensity that Rennie’s heart broke for her.
Nicki’s hand darted out and brushed at the straw in front of her. Rennie started to reach for that small hand, but drew back at the last second when she realized what the girl was doing. Having cleared a small patch away from the wooden planking, Nicki was writing something in the fine layer of straw dust that remained. Reading upside down, Rennie made out the words I’m sorry. Nicki looked up and their eyes met, contrition in one pair of eyes, understanding in the other.
“I know you are,” Rennie said softly.
Nicki cleared away another patch of straw and began writing again. The words Forgive me? took shape. Once more they gazed at each other in the barn’s dim light.
“Of course I do.” Rennie cupped the girl’s cheek with one hand, her thumb stroking away the last of the tears. “It’s okay, Nicki. We all do things we’re sorry for later. But we can’t change the past, no matter how much we might want to. We just have to live with it and do our best to learn from it, to become better people because of the past rather than in spite of it.”
A ghost of a smile flickered over Rennie’s face. “It might not seem like it to you right now, but you’re lucky you’re learning all this so young. I learned the lesson rather late.” The smile faded. “Something really bad happened to me once. I was in an accident and I was hurt for a long time afterward. I had a lot of time to think. And I learned some things that changed me—” Rennie pressed her free hand to her heart “—in here.”