by Amelia Autin
She saw the question in Nicki’s eyes and tried to answer it. “I guess the most important thing I learned is that love is never wasted. Never. Loving someone isn’t safe. People die, Nicki. You and I both know it. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them. If you love someone, they can’t ever really die, because they live on in your heart for always.” Rennie’s eyes filled with tears. “My parents will always be a part of me because I love them, just as your mother will always be a part of you. And that’s the way it should be.”
Nicki’s face crumpled and she began to weep again, then somehow they were both clinging to each other and crying together.
“We’re going to be all right, Nicki,” Rennie whispered between the sobs that shook them both. “Everything’s going to be all right.”
* * *
Coming out of the barn into the sunlight was a shock. Rennie and Nicki stood in the doorway for a minute, blinking against the startling brightness. Feeling just a bit disoriented, Rennie shaded her eyes and looked around. A distance away, four men stood in earnest conversation by the sheep pens, one much taller than the other three, and she easily recognized Gideon.
He must have seen the two of them emerge from the barn because he raised his arm briefly in acknowledgment. He stood there for a minute watching them. Rennie glanced down at her stepdaughter and saw the tension in her body and the longing on her face.
“Go to him, Nicki.” The girl looked up at Rennie, doubt in her eyes. “He loves you, sweetheart. Go on.”
Nicki needed no other urging. She took three steps forward, then broke into a run. Rennie watched as she raced across the barnyard, skirted the corral and headed for the sheep pens with wings on her heels. Nicki threw her arms around her father, only to be picked up and crushed in Gideon’s embrace. The other men stepped back and turned their heads, as if to give the boss a little privacy.
A wave of emotion swept through Rennie, for both father and daughter. “You did it,” she whispered to herself. “You did it.” Tears prickled, but she refused to let them fall. She’d already shed enough of them today. Besides, what was there to cry about? They’d made a start today, she and Nicki. They still had a long way to go, but things were going to be all right, and that was cause for celebration, not for tears.
Suddenly she remembered something. “Oh, my Lord. Emily!”
* * *
That night Gideon walked into their bedroom just as Rennie emerged from the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. He stood just inside the door, enjoying the tantalizing view of slender thighs revealed beneath her Lakers T-shirt every time she raised her arms.
“Paperwork done?” she asked.
“Yeah. Finally.”
“Did you check on the children?”
“Yeah. Sound asleep.”
She rubbed the ends of her hair a few more times, then laid the towel over the back of a chair and picked up a comb. She sat in the middle of the bed, tucked her legs under her, and began combing her hair to help it dry faster.
Gideon watched for a moment, mesmerized by the repetitive movements of the comb through Rennie’s damp curls. Then he shook his head, moved into the room and began unbuttoning his shirt with one hand. He pulled it off and tossed it in the direction of the clothes hamper.
He unsnapped his jeans and said, “What was that all about this afternoon?”
In the middle of fluffing her bangs, she didn’t bother looking up. “With Nicki, you mean?”
“Yeah.”
Rennie put down the comb and faced him. Her slow smile came from the heart. “I think Nicki and I reached an understanding.”
“What about?”
“Life.”
His brows drew together in puzzlement. “Say again?”
“We had a long conversation about a lot of things. It was a little one-sided verbally, I admit, but I think we were able to communicate pretty well just the same.”
He sat on the edge of the bed, causing it to tilt downward, and she had to catch herself from tumbling over. “I still don’t get it,” he said, pulling off his boots.
“Well, some of it’s kind of private, between Nicki and me.”
That clearly didn’t set well with him. “I don’t think anything to do with my daughter should be kept from me,” he said, with a slight emphasis on the word my. He dropped the second boot beside the first and stood up, hands on hips.
“It’s not like that, Gideon, believe me.”
“Does it have anything to do with her behavior lately? With the things she’s been doing to you behind my back?”
Rennie’s jaw dropped. “How did you know about that?”
“I didn’t. I had my suspicions, but no proof. You just confirmed them for me.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
“I was waiting for you to tell me.”
She picked up the comb again and ran it through her hair for something to do. “I didn’t want you to know,” she said finally.
“Why?”
“I wanted to handle it on my own.” Her eyes beseeched him. “Try to understand. This was something Nicki and I needed to work out by ourselves.”
“Have you settled things with her, then?”
“I think so. We’ve made a start, anyway.”
“Good. It was worrying me.” He stretched, rolling his shoulders to relieve the dull ache between his shoulder blades. “Lord, I’m beat. If there’s one thing I hate it’s sitting at a desk going over numbers. Even with that new computer software I bought last year, it’s a hassle.”
“I’d offer to help you, but I’m hopeless at bookkeeping. And computers just don’t seem to like me.”
He unzipped his jeans and stripped them off, taking his briefs with them, and Rennie averted her gaze. Even after a month of sharing a room with Gideon, of sleeping every night in his arms, she was still shy around him when it came to nudity. He seemed to have no self-consciousness about his body, but then, why should he? He was a man in the prime of his life—tall, whipcord lean, and with the musculature of a man who worked, rather than worked out.
The memory of last night, when he’d unexpectedly joined her in the shower, rose fresh in her mind. She’d tried to hide her body from him, but he’d refused to let her. He’d traced the scars crisscrossing her flat stomach with a touch so gentle she’d felt like weeping. But he hadn’t let her do that, either. His soapy hands had caressed every inch of her, arousing her unbearably, then he’d persuaded her to do the same for him. When they could take no more, he’d rinsed them both off, carried her back into the bedroom and made love to her. She hadn’t even noticed until afterward that he’d deliberately left all the lights on.
Gideon dumped his dirty clothes in the hamper and said, “I’m going to take a shower. Want to come scrub my back for me?”
She knew he was teasing her, but she couldn’t help it. She blushed.
He chuckled. “You are so damned cute when you do that.” He strolled over to the bed, leaned down and kissed her thoroughly. “Wait up for me,” he whispered, his fingers sliding under her T-shirt to brush tantalizingly against the butterfly tattoo at the top of her right thigh. “I won’t be long.”
* * *
Two weeks later Rennie lay in the dark, listening to the slow, measured sound of Gideon’s breathing. He was asleep. She knew she should try to sleep, too. Morning came awfully early in this household. His internal clock woke Gideon at four-thirty, and his movements in bed always woke her, no matter how tired she’d been the night before. Maybe it was some kind of sensual radar—they often made love first thing in the morning. Even though she was definitely not a morning person, waking up to Gideon made waking up worthwhile.
Sometimes he’d pull her on top of him, coaxing her to take the lead while his hands lazily explored her soft curves. Other times he’d be in too much of a hurry, drawing her beneath him, parting her legs and taking her on a fast trip to sweet oblivion.
It seemed he always desired her, night or morning, just as she de
sired him. But lately it seemed as if something was different. Not with Gideon exactly, because he satisfied her physically, just as he always had. He seemed to have a sixth sense about her, somehow divining just where she needed to be touched at exactly the right moment. And though they didn’t always reach the peak together, he never left her unsatisfied. He made her feel special, cherished.
But sometimes when they made love she found herself almost holding her breath, as if waiting for something else to happen, something that never did.
She sighed and turned over, her cheek seeking a cool place on her pillow. What was wrong? Why couldn’t she sleep? She’d had insomnia for the past two weeks, ever since she and Nicki... But that couldn’t be it. Working things out with her stepdaughter should have relieved her mind, not burdened it.
Gideon stirred beside her, almost waking, but not quite. His arm tightened around her, and he murmured something she didn’t catch. She lay very still, forcing her breathing to slow as she feigned sleep. She didn’t want him to wake up. He worked too hard and he needed his rest. Besides, if he woke he might ask her what was wrong, and what could she tell him?
What could she tell him? Her life was everything he’d promised, and more. The children were thriving. Andrew no longer woke in tears, and when he called for someone it was Rennie’s name he called. Trina was blossoming, growing more secure with each passing day.
And Nicki? Rennie wasn’t foolish enough to believe that everything was resolved where Nicki was concerned. But they’d made a start that Friday two weeks ago, and she was slowly gaining Nicki’s trust and affection.
Last Sunday, for the first time, Nicki had kissed her good-night. Gideon had seen both girls to their respective rooms and had tucked them in, while Rennie put Andrew to bed. But on the way back from his room Rennie had double-checked on Trina and Nicki. Trina had already been asleep so Rennie hadn’t lingered, but Nicki had been awake and restless. And after she’d straightened Nicki’s tangled sheet, Rennie couldn’t resist lightly brushing her lips against Nicki’s forehead.
“Go to sleep,” she’d whispered as she bent over her. “It’s late.”
Rennie had started to rise, when Nicki abruptly slid her arms around Rennie’s neck, hugged her and kissed her cheek.
Rennie’s hand stole to her cheek, feeling the kiss even now. Of all the kisses she’d ever received from a child, that had been the hardest won, and consequently meant the most.
“What’s the matter? Can’t sleep?” The deep rasp came out all as one word. Without opening his eyes Gideon shifted position and pillowed Rennie’s head against his shoulder.
“It’s nothing. Go back to sleep.”
He didn’t say anything, but his hand began kneading her bad hip as if he thought she was hurting but didn’t want him to know. After a few minutes he said, “Better now?”
Although her hip had been fine before, she said, “Yes. Thanks.”
He continued the massage for a few minutes more, but eventually his hand slowed, then stilled, and she felt him slide back into a deep sleep.
Rennie could have cried. What was the matter with her? Why couldn’t she accept what she had and be happy? Why did she feel so empty?
* * *
The next afternoon, while the girls were playing outside and Andrew took his nap, Rennie sorted through a seemingly never-ending pile of laundry. Her shoulder blades ached from bending over, and she straightened for a moment, then sighed and blew her bangs off her forehead in exasperation.
There were a lot of chores in this household, and although Gideon and his daughters helped, most of them were her responsibility. She hadn’t realized before she came here just how much work children could be, nor how many clothes they could go through in a week. And doing the laundry was the one thing she disliked the most. But there was no help for it.
Suddenly Nicki and Trina burst into the room. “Rennie, come quick! There’s something wrong with Shadow!” Trina was almost in tears. They dragged her into the utility room, where the cat was mewling piteously in a corner, her swollen body wracked with contractions.
Rennie recognized the signs and let out a sigh of relief. She explained what was happening, and together she and the girls found a shallow box, lined it with soft, clean towels and put it in the utility room for Shadow to use. Then in breathless wonder they watched three tiny kittens make their way into the world.
At the dinner table that night, Nicki’s normally animated face wore a thoughtful expression, while Trina chatted endlessly about what they’d seen. Gideon responded with just enough interest to keep her going, and Andrew, indignant that he’d been left out of the afternoon’s adventure, had to be physically restrained from getting up from the table to see the new kittens.
“You can see them later,” Rennie told him firmly, but it wasn’t until Gideon said the same thing that the little boy finally subsided in his chair.
After dinner, Rennie excused the girls from helping with the dishes. “Go on,” she said indulgently. “I know you’re dying to see the kittens again.”
“Thanks, Rennie.” Trina scrambled from the table. She latched on to Gideon’s hand. “Come on, Daddy,” she said, self-importantly, “I’ll show you where they are. But you have to be really quiet. Rennie says Shadow will get upset if we aren’t really quiet.”
“Hold on for a second.” Gideon picked Andrew up. “Aren’t you coming, Nicki?” She shook her head and began stacking the dirty dishes on the table. Gideon gave her a considering look, then left the room with Trina and Andrew.
Nicki waited until the others were gone, then sought out pencil and paper for the question that had obviously been on her mind all afternoon. She wrote something, then handed the paper to Rennie.
Are you going to have a baby? Rennie read.
Sharp pain stabbed through Rennie at the unexpected question, and for a wild moment she mourned what might have been, if only the accident had never occurred. A child, Gideon’s child growing within her, created from love.
Then sanity returned. If not for the accident, she wouldn’t even be here, would never have met Gideon, would never have married him.
Rennie looked at Johanna’s daughter, all her earlier guilt returning in full force. If not for the accident, Nicki would never have suffered through the loss of her mother—Johanna would still be alive. And Nicki would be a normal, happy, talkative nine-year-old.
Badly shaken, Rennie still managed to find her voice. “No, Nicki. I won’t ever have a baby.”
Nicki picked up the pad of paper and scribbled several sentences, then handed it back to Rennie, who read it out loud. “Mama was married and had babies. Aunt Emily was married and had babies. Connie Peters, our first housekeeper, got married and had a baby. I thought all married women had babies.”
Rennie swallowed against the lump in her throat, then pulled out a chair and sat down. She met her stepdaughter’s curious eyes. “Not all married women do, Nicki. I won’t.”
The girl tilted her head and raised her shoulders as if to ask, “Why not?”
“Remember when I told you I was in a bad accident?” Nicki nodded. “I was hurt inside in a way that means I can’t have children of my own.”
Nicki leaned over and wrote, Never?
Emotion welled in Rennie, rising dangerously close to the surface. She shook her head. “No. Never.”
Once more the girl scribbled something, then turned the pad so Rennie could see. Did you want to?
It was the last straw. Rennie covered her face with her hands and sobbed once as the old, haunting pain came back in full force, joined by a new pain she only now recognized. She pressed her fingers against her eyes, straining to keep back tears that refused to be held back. She sobbed once more.
“Wemmy’s cwying.” The voice belonged to Andrew. He tugged at her arm. “Why you cwying, Wemmy?”
Rennie dropped her hands and gathered him into her arms, drawing him onto her lap. She squeezed his dear little body close and pressed her damp cheek ag
ainst his hair as a third sob escaped.
“Rennie?” There was a frightened waver in Trina’s voice. “What’s wrong?”
Suddenly Gideon was there, gently taking Andrew from her and setting him on the floor. Then he crouched beside her chair, checking her hands and face for injuries. “What’s the matter? Are you hurt?”
She shook her head, sobbed and covered her face again, huddling in the chair. She couldn’t stop crying. Nicki’s innocent questions had chipped away at the dam of her emotions, and now the flood waters overwhelmed her. Did you want to? kept echoing in her head, and the reminder of how much she had wanted babies of her own kept the tears flowing full force.
But when Rennie heard Gideon sternly ask Nicki if she’d done something to make her cry, she knew she had to respond.
“She didn’t do...anything,” Rennie forced out between the sobs that shook her whole body.
Gideon plucked her from the chair and sat down with her on his lap. “Rennie, stop this. You’re making yourself sick.”
She tried, she really did. “I...can’t.”
“Rennie, please. You’re scaring the children.”
The children. She was scaring the children. The words became a litany in her mind, until she finally calmed down a little. She gulped, sniffed and rubbed the back of her hand against her nose. “I need...a tissue.”
Trina darted off and returned with a whole box. “Here, Rennie.”
Rennie took a deep, shaky breath. “Thank you.”
She grabbed a couple of tissues from the box, mopped her eyes and blew her nose. Her vision cleared, and she glanced from Trina’s scared expression, to the bewilderment on Andrew’s face, to Nicki’s troubled look.
“I’m sorry.” Her apology was to Nicki. “It wasn’t your fault. You...didn’t know.”
Gideon started to say something, then thought better of it. He stood up with Rennie in his arms. “Nicki, you and Trina finish the dishes for Rennie, okay? And keep an eye on Andrew. I’m going to put Rennie to bed.”