Alien vs. Alien

by Gini Koch

  “Great. I haven’t studied.”

  Chuckie rolled his eyes. “There is nothing you can study for. This is a standard test, but it’s testing your reactions more than your knowledge.”

  “Clear as mud.”

  He ignored me. “However, it’s a U.S. Government test designed for anyone who works with or for Centaurion Division in a nonmilitary capacity.”

  “So I didn’t have to take this before because I was the Head of Airborne, as opposed to now, when I’m in the Diplomatic Corps.”

  “Nice of your brain to join the party.”

  “Careful, Secret Agent Man. I know where your bodies are buried.”

  “Which is precisely why you and the others have to pass this test. I need to get the rest of you passed and approved. It’s a small thing, but a large check in the column that matters to my superiors. And to your mother.”

  Jeff cocked his head. “I realize you’d prefer to do this back at Langley, but I know NASA Base is set up for this kind of testing.”

  Chuckie nodded. “That would work. And it would also be a logical cover story for why you, White, and I are down here.”

  “Hey, and we can visit Alliflash and Gigan

  tagator while we’re at it.”

  Jeff shook his head. “Only my girl.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 8

  EVERYONE CALMED DOWN and lunch was eaten. Lucinda showed yet more personal growth by whipping up something special for Jeff while the rest of us snorked down as much of her meatloaf as possible.

  Jeff seemed both genuinely shocked and touched that his mother had a strip steak for him and that she hadn’t complained at all that he didn’t want meatloaf, which he loathed. Amy and Christopher moved so they were sitting right next to Lucinda, so the meal ended up a lot more cheerfully than it had started.

  The need for the HSAC test was explained to everyone, and reassurances were given by Tito, Melanie and Emily that the test was a no big deal kind of thing. Alfred confirmed that the proper personnel were v

  The Operations Team handled things like cleanup, maid service, providing supplies, cooking if you wanted it, and more. What I—and apparently whoever had set this team up in the first place—considered the dirty, boring jobs.

  Every official A-C facility was supported by the Operations Team. They were impressive to the extreme, and I’d tested their abilities all over the world and at thirty thousand feet in the air. But I’d never seen them.

  Christopher liked to explain how the Operations Team worked, but his explanations always sounded just this side of crazy. I thought of them as the A-C Elves, using magic to do their jobs quickly and invisibly. This was honestly a less crazy explanation than any Christopher had tried to pass to me.

  Lucinda was a wonderful cook, and it was something she loved to do, so she never had the Elves help out with food prep. I tried not to contemplate how much weight I’d probably put on while down here—on a daily basis we had three big meals, two snacks, and munchies available at all times. All homemade, all delicious. While getting home sounded great, I was definitely going to miss the food.

  But even though the Elves didn’t have to cook at Martini Manor, they certainly did everything else, as packed suitcases sitting in our room easily proved.

  “Does Jamie stay here or does she need to take this test, too?” I asked Jeff as I pulled the salacious pictures out of my purse and shoved them into my suitcase.

  “She’s still a tiny baby, she stays here.”

  “Hey, just checking. Are you sure this is an easy test to pass?”

  Jeff sighed. “It was easy for me, baby. I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

  “Can I take my iPod?”

  “If I tell you no, will you actually leave it here?”

  “Only if you tell me whoever’s running the test will confiscate it.”

  “They’ll only confiscate it if they can find it. Since you’ll have it in that black hole you call a purse, I doubt anyone will find any of your stuff, even if they use x-rays.”

  I contemplated my options. “If they confiscate it, will they give it back?”

  “I’m sure they will. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to steal your things while you’re taking this test.”

  “What if they don’t let me take my purse in at all?”

  Jeff sighed. “I’ll be there. I’ll take care of your purse, baby.”

  “Works for me.”

  We took Jamie back to Lucinda and Alfred, who were, understandably, less excited about our going back to D.C. than everyone else. “Be good, Jamie-Kat,” I said as I gave her a big kiss. “Mommy and Daddy will be back soon.”

  Jamie didn’t seem happy about {m hShe us leaving, if her clinging to Jeff and starting to cry was any indication. “Should I stay here?” he asked.

  “I think she’s just being like this because she missed you so much.” I’d certainly missed Jeff a ton, and if he were leaving right now, I’d probably also be clinging to him and making a fuss about it, so I couldn’t blame our daughter for feeling the same way. “Maybe you should stay.” I didn’t want him to, but I was willing to take one for my daughter and let her have some alone time with her daddy.

  Melanie shook her head and took Jamie from Jeff. “No. Emily, Tito, and I are staying here. She’s just doing what we more experienced parents call Baby Blackmail.”

  Jeff didn’t look convinced.

  “You can stay if you want to,” Chuckie said. “White and I can escort everyone to NASA Base without you.”

  Jeff heaved a sigh and kissed Jamie on her forehead. “No. Jamie will be safe here. Kitty, on the other hand, can find trouble without looking for it.”

  “I resent that.”

  “But you can’t deny it,” Christopher said.

  “True enough.” We said our good-byes to those staying at Martini Manor, then those of about to test gathered at the front steps. Len went to get the limo, and I sent a text.

  “Who are you talking to?” Jeff asked.

  “I’m letting Malcolm know where we’re going and why.”

  “Nice to see you keep in constant contact with him,” Jeff said far too snidely.

  Chuckie sighed. “Buchanan’s down here doing a job the head of the P.T.C.U. wants done. You feel free to call your mother-in-law and complain to her that you’re jealous of the man assigned to protect her daughter and granddaughter. But, please, put it on speakerphone so we can all enjoy Angela ripping you a new one.”

  Since Chuckie had basically said what I would have, I let Jeff’s whining pass without comment while he grumbled under his breath.

  Len brought the limo around. Like every A-C limo, it was gray and had an impressive number of extra A-C bells and whistles on it. I was particularly fond of the surround-sound speakers and the laser shield features.

  We piled in. I took the rear seat, Jeff and Chuckie joining me. Christopher, Amy, and White faced us. Kyle shut the passenger door, took shotgun, and we took off. I looked behind us—sure enough, a black Escalade was pulling out from in front of the servants’ quarters. Buchanan had insisted that I always make sure he was the one driving, so I looked carefully. Yep, there was a big, good-looking, brown-haired guy behind the wheel.

  “Done checking out the competition?” Jeff asked.

  “Jeff, for God’s sake.”

  “No, let him go on,” Chuckie said. “It’s so nice to hear him complain about someone other than me.”

  While Jeff grumbled and the rest of us laughed, “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas came on the sound system. I had a feeling Kyle had chosen that song on purpose.

  I decided it was time to get us off of Jeff’s jealousy issues. We’d been apart for a month, after all, so I had to figure the loneliness and horniness was causing most of his jealousy right now. Sadly, couldn’t do anything about the horniness, for either one of us, but I could get us talking about something else. “So, why are we driving instead of taking a gate? The last time we went to NASA Base for anything
we went as ‘just folks’ and all almost died in about a hundred different ways.”

  “It’s the weekend,” Jeff replied. “It’ll raise fewer questions if we show up and go in through the front door.”

  “I’d also like to have our own car this time,” Christopher added. “Just in case. It’ll be a lot better to escape from alligators in a limo than in a VW Superbug.”

  “That was the fun part of Operation Drug Addict.”

  On cue, everyone I could see winced. No one else really seemed to appreciate my names for things; apparently the boring, official names were the popular ones. “I hate your name for that,” Jeff muttered.

  “Besides, you didn’t think it was fun while it was happening,” Christopher reminded me.

  “True.” Of course, Jeff and I had had some amazing sex during that time.

  Jeff nuzzled my ear. “Love where your mind’s at.”

  “Don’t start,” Chuckie said flatly. “I know the four of you have been separated for weeks, but the rest of us really don’t want to watch the reunions.”

  “Spoilsport.”

  “That’s me. I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but just in case, don’t mention the pictures to anyone until you’ve all passed the HSAC test and we’re all alone.”

  “I was thinking I’d just grab the receptionist and tell her all about it,” Amy said, sarcasm knob headed to eleven.

  “What if they ask us about it during the test?” Len asked.

  “That’s a good question,” Chuckie said slowly. “They shouldn’t . . .”

  “Who else knows about those pictures? Or should I ask who doesn’t know?” I prayed my father was firmly on the side of “doesn’t know.”

  “From our side, only those of us in the car and Mister Joel Oliver,” Jeff said.

  White coughed. “I have no idea what you’re all talking about.” True enough, he hadn’t been in the room when Armstrong had shared.

  Everyone looked uncomfortable. Kyle was already blushing, Christopher was looking at his hands, Amy was staring at the ceiling, and I didn’t have to look to see the expressions on Jeff‘s and Chuckie’s faces—they were right next to me and I could feel their embarrassment.

  I opened my mouth, but Len beat me to it. “Senator Armstrong has faked dirty pictures of Kitty and Mister Reynolds. Mister Joel Oliver gave Mister Reynolds the head’s up and he advised Ambassador Martini, which is why everyone’s calm. Ambassador Martini isn’t sure if the senator is trying to blackmail us or help out.”< {t.e="Times/p>

  “Succinctly put. Thanks, Len. So, Richard, it’s a spin on our usual fun and frolic.”

  “Ah. I’ll have to examine the pictures at another time.” White looked as though he was really trying very hard not to laugh. “I think I might have to insist, safety of the mission and the Embassy and all that.”

  “Great,” Jeff said with a half growl. “You l

  ove to torture me, don’t you, Uncle Richard?”

  White did laugh now. “As much as I can, Jeffrey. As much as I can.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 9

  NASA BASE WAS SEVERAL MILES from the Martini estate, but it didn’t take us too long to get there. We had enough time to fill White in fully and confirm that Chuckie didn’t know who else might have copies of the dirty pictures while listening to Steel Panther’s “Death to All But Metal” and, to apparently ensure all the musical bases were covered, Culture Club’s “Church of the Poison Mind,” and then we were there.

  Unlike the last time we visited, we went to a normal reserved parking lot, checked in at reception, and walked through the halls to get to our desired location. There were plenty of security folks around, as well as a variety of NASA personnel bustling about, and none of them tried to kill any of us, nor was a mad bomber tossing explosives from out of nowhere.

  Sure, our former mad bomber was now the Head of Imageering, but Serene had been the bad guys’ first Surcenthumain test subject, so it wasn’t really her fault. And Mom, Chuckie, Alfred, and others had removed the remaining bad ones out of NASA’s Barrel of Security Bad Apples, so there was no reason for me to be jumpy.

  Only I was.

  “What’s wrong?” Jeff asked me quietly as we waited at an elevator bank we’d reached by wandering the rat maze that were the hallways of NASA Base. This wasn’t my favorite place on Earth to visit. I wasn’t hungry, thankfully, but I still felt like I would, ultimately, find either a big piece of cheese or a steel trap whenever we reached our destination.

  “I think I’m having flashbacks.”

  “Ah.” He rubbed the back of my neck. “Don’t worry, baby. We’ll all be fine and heading home shortly.”

  The elevator arrived and Chuckie insisted we all pile in together. Nine people in an elevator is a lot, especially when most of them are big guys, but I was okay being smooshed up between Jeff, White, Len and Kyle. Jeff had made sure Buchanan and Chuckie were on the other side of the car, which was sort of on the sweet side of his jealousy meter.

  Once we were all in the elevator, instead of pushing a button for one of the floors, Chuckie used a special keycard. A panel I hadn’t realized was there opened and a keypad slid out. He entered a passcode he ensured none of us could see. The reason for us all being chummy in the elevator was explained.

  “Are we having a Get Smart moment?”

  Chuckie heaved a sigh and ignored me. Well, he shot me his “seriously?” look and then ignored me.

  We headed right down into the bowels of the earth. This, more than anything else, confirmed we were heading into the A-C controlled part of the facility—A-C bases tended to go down, not up.

  The doors opened onto a part of NASA Base I hadn’t seen before. It looked like we were entering the floor of a typical office building. A sterile, very white, very quiet office building.

  We trooped down a long hallway. “You know, this is sort of like 2001: A Space Odyssey. Or Men in Black. Or both.”

  “It’s the secured floor,” Chuckie said.

  “Secured for what? There’s no one here but us.”

  “Almost no one.” Christopher pointed to the end of the hall. There was a reception desk, manned by a young Hispanic woman with large glasses and long black hair. Matching the rest of this floor, she was dressed in white. She didn’t smile when we finally reached her.

  She wasn’t ugly, but she wasn’t Dazzler level in any way, so it was a safe bet she was human. Most A-Cs at least shot you a smile the first time they met you, too.

  Chuckie handed her his badge. “I have personnel for the HSAC exam,” he said without preamble. “You should be expecting us.”

  The woman didn’t look impressed by the badge, which was a first in my experience. She examined it and sniffed, then examined all of us and sniffed again. Not the “what’s that smell” kind of sniff, but the “you’re beneath me” sniff. I wondered if she’d ever met Mrs. Darcy Lockwood, my Washington Wife class instructor, or if she’d picked up how to be supercilious all on her own.

  Her clothing didn’t scream “impressive.” The suit was okay but a little baggy on her, and her blouse was sort of wrinkled.

  Before I could ask if she’d recently lost weight, she deigned to speak to us. “My name is Sandra. I’ll be monitoring your activity during the HSAC.”

  “Does that mean you’re administering the test?” Chuckie asked.

  “No. We have someone for that. I’ll be there to ensure there is no cheating.”

  “Why would we cheat? It’s not like we won’t get into a good college or something if we flunk.”

  This earned me another dismissive look. “You’d be surprised.” Sandra turned back to Chuckie. “I had five individuals listed.”

  “There should have been six.” Chuckie indicated Buchanan. “He should be on the list, too. May I see it?”

  Sandra handed a small clipboard over, a tad unwillingly if I was any judge. I was sure she’d recently lost weight, because the clothes just didn’t fit her right. Maybe she was still diet
ing and so hungry. I didn’t like to miss a meal, so I could cut her some slack over being a little testy due to limited caloric intake.

  “Huh.” Chuckie showed the list to Jeff, who grunted.

  “What?”

  Chuckie looked at me. “Your name isn’t on the list.”

  “Cool! I’ll just wait out here with all of you, then!”

  “You have to take this test, Kitty,” Christopher said, shooting me Patented Glare #1.

  “Apparently I don’t.”

  “Kitty Katt?” Sandra asked.

  “That’s me, yes. Well, my maiden name.”

  “Ah.” She pulled out a slip of paper from her jacket pocket. “Yes, I have you here. Kitty Katt-Martini. You’re supposed to take the test alone.”

  “I beg your pardon?” Chuckie and I said that one in unison.

  Sandra shrugged and handed her slip of paper to Chuckie. His eyes narrowed. “This is highly unusual. I’ll have to clear it. With much higher level personnel,” he added meaningfully.

  This didn’t seem to bother Sandra, who shrugged again. “Suit yourself. We’ll take the others in now.”

  “No,” Chuckie said firmly. “They all test together or they don’t test at all.”

  Sandra heaved a sigh while Chuckie tried to make a call. “No reception,” he said finally.

  “That’s because this floor is insulated in all ways,” Sandra said. She didn’t add “duh,” but it was obvious she was thinking it. “So you can leave to make your phone call, or we can follow the orders given.”

  Chuckie seemed torn. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to let Sandra win this one on general principles, all oddities aside. Plus, I wasn’t wild about being tested all by myself in the first place, and I was certain Mom wouldn’t be pleased that Buchanan wasn’t in the room with me.

  Then again, getting this test over with had advantages, and we were already here. “I’ll be okay,” I said quietly to Chuckie.

  Jeff took my arm and Chuckie’s and moved us away from Sandra’s desk. “I’m not getting anything but annoyance from her,” he said in a low voice. “She wants us to stop wasting her time so she can get her job done and go home, but that’s all I’ve gotten. No malicious intent, other than the fact she’s not happy to be here on the weekend.”