Freedom to Love

by Ronica Black

  “Hold up your arms as best you can.”

  Kat did so and remembered at the last second that she wasn’t wearing a bra. She’d never been ashamed of her body or shy about it before, but with Brynn she felt different. She knew if Brynn looked at her, that her own feelings of desire would be evident. Her chest was already heaving with excitement, and though she quickly covered herself with her T-shirt, she could feel her nipples tightening, yearning to be stroked.

  “You okay?” Brynn asked, glancing at the T-shirt clutched to her bare chest. Brynn sounded breathless, as if she could hardly speak. “We don’t have to do this.”

  “No, it’s fine. I just—I’m just…” She rolled her eyes at herself. “I’m fine.”

  “I’ll take your word for it,” Brynn said, washing her hands thoroughly in the sink. “I understand feeling a little weird about someone you don’t know very well seeing you nude.” She dried her hands and turned to her and smiled. “Like when you’re bathing in a creek for instance?”

  Kat flushed and looked away from eyes flashing dangerously. “I’m sorry about that. I just had to make sure you were in no position to run.”

  “Sure.” Brynn laughed and knelt in front of her again. Carefully, she pulled off the sticky bandage cover. “Was this infected?” She tugged at the gauze.

  “Yes. But it should be looking better.”

  Brynn pulled the gauze away, her beautiful eyes focused on the wound. Kat shivered at her close proximity. She could feel her warm breath on her bare skin, and she swore she could feel a finger lightly running up her spine.

  “You bled a little,” she said, disposing of the used gauze. “But the wound looks okay. No pus or redness.”

  “Good.” She would give almost anything to not have to return to the hospital. “Just wash it a little with the Dove soap and warm water. Washcloths are under the sink.”

  “Right.”

  Brynn retrieved the cloth and soap and lathered them in the sink. Then, very gently, she washed the wound. Kat winced a little but soon grew used to the sensation. She closed her eyes as Brynn finished, rinsing her with warm water and then patting her dry with a clean towel.

  “Now the Polysporin,” Kat said, drying her breast with the T-shirt. Brynn knelt with the tube of antibiotic ointment and a Q-tip. “Put it in the wound as best you can.”

  Brynn focused. “Okay.”

  Kat jerked a little at the contact.

  “Did they remove the bullet?”

  “No,” she winced. “The entry was clean and the bullet was small with no spread.”

  “Done,” Brynn said. She returned the ointment to the counter, discarded the Q-tip, and covered the wound with fresh gauze.

  “Hold this here if you can,” she said to Kat, taking her hand and leading her to the gauze. Kat held it, and Brynn applied the sticky bandage cover.

  “All finished,” she said with a smile.

  “Thank you,” Kat said.

  Brynn eyed the T-shirt. “I take it you want to dress on your own? You’re gripping that T-shirt pretty tight.”

  Kat realized how ridiculous she was being.

  “I’m not dangerous,” Brynn said with a crooked grin. “Not really.”

  “It’s not you I’m worried about,” Kat said under her breath.

  Brynn cocked her head as she washed her hands again. “What?”

  “Nothing.” Kat slid her good arm into the T-shirt, exposing her breasts. She struggled with the bad arm. She kept her eyes on the wall and cried out when she had to raise the wounded side.

  Brynn was watching her; she could feel the warmth of her gaze. And then, without a word, she stepped in front of her and helped her, talking gently to her. “There, you’re as good as new.” She stepped back and held out her hand.

  Kat took it and stood. For a moment, they were toe-to-toe. Kat was taller, stronger. Brynn was lengthy and lean, but no doubt stronger than she looked.

  “You okay?” Brynn asked again, this time a whisper.

  Kat tried to look away from her penetrating gaze, but Brynn touched her hand, stopping her. Kat fought to speak, to find words and force them out, but she found instead that she was trembling and warming with both desire and the feeling of being so graciously cared for. Other than her mother, no woman had ever cared for her like this. Some had tried, but she had pushed them away. Needing help was a weakness; it showed vulnerability. But she didn’t feel ashamed with Brynn. She felt…loved.

  “No, I don’t think I’m okay,” she finally managed to say.

  Brynn slid her hand completely into hers, causing Kat to shudder. “What is it? Do you hurt?”

  Kat swallowed. “No.”

  Brynn grew closer. “Because it would kill me if you were hurting.”

  Kat exhaled, closed her eyes. “I can’t,” she said.

  “Can’t what?”

  “Can’t feel this way.”

  “Why?”

  Kat opened her eyes.

  “Because I’m a woman, or because I’m a Williams?”

  Brynn reached up and held her jaw. “Tell me now, Sergeant, before I melt away in your arms right here in front of you.”

  Kat felt her heart jumpstart, kicking hard against her chest. She opened her mouth to speak, but Gunner barked and took off down the hall. Brynn blinked, backed away, and released her. She lowered her head as Kat walked away.

  “I bet that’s Murph. He didn’t even give me a chance to call.” Kat left Brynn behind and walked toward the living room, already hearing the locks in the front door disengaging. Gunner barked with excitement and jumped on Murph as he stepped inside. He was in full uniform so he shooed him away. Kat stood looking at him, almost pissed at him for showing up to care for her.

  “Morning,” he said, closing the door behind him. He held up the newspaper and tossed it on the kitchen table. “You look better and better,” he said. “Did you eat? Want me to make you some eggs?”

  “Murph,” she said, but he didn’t seem to hear.

  “Margie’s coming at noon to heat you up a plate and check on things. Gunner probably needs a walk. He crossed to the fridge, dug in, removing Saran Wrapped food from well-wishers to find what he wanted. He looked back at her.

  “Sit down. I’ll make you some livermush too. And toast. You can try Margie’s mama’s preserves.”

  “Murph,” she said it louder and firmer. He stopped, frying pan in hand.

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t need breakfast this morning.”

  “No? You gotta eat, Vander. Doctor’s orders, remember?”

  “I’m fine and I’ve already had my wound cleaned too.”

  He set the pan down and studied her, confused. “How’s that?”

  “I have company,” she said.

  He stood in awe, trying to grasp hold of her meaning. “Company?”

  “Yes. She was kind enough to clean my wound.”

  “Oh?” He looked shocked, disappointed. “I didn’t know—I thought—”

  “I know I should’ve called. I didn’t expect you so early.”

  “No, it’s no problem.” He began returning items to the fridge. “I’m glad you have help. God knows I can’t be here twenty-four seven. And Margie, with her mama and the dementia…”

  “You know I appreciate you and all you do, Murph.” She felt bad; he was obviously hurt.

  “Yeah, I know.” He closed the fridge. “She, uh, this woman, she staying with you?”

  He glanced at her bare legs and large T-shirt as she ran a hand through mussed hair.

  “Ye—last night—yes.”

  “Oh.” He crossed back to the door slowly. “So no on Margie at noon?”

  “Tell her thanks, but I’ll be fine.”

  He reached for the doorknob. Gunner licked his hand and wagged his tail.

  He turned. “There’s no car in the drive.”

  Kat nodded. “I know.”

  He looked at her, then his face fell. “Don’t tell me…” he started.

>   Kat held up a hand. “Murph don’t.”

  “Brynn Williams? It’s her isn’t it?”

  Kat started to speak, but Brynn stepped into the kitchen, surprising them both. “It’s me,” she said with a sad laugh. “Surprise.” She forced a smile. “Don’t worry. I should be going anyway.”

  “No,” Kat said.

  “I honestly didn’t mean to interrupt—whatever this is,” Murph said, opening the door.

  “I came to get my stuff, that’s all. So call off the soldiers. Vander didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Kat looked at her. “You don’t need to protect me, Brynn. It’s okay.”

  “Brynn?” Murph said. “So you are on a first-name basis?” He shook his head. “I’ll call you later, Vander.” He closed the door behind him, and Kat crossed to lock it as if that would somehow erase his presence and all that had transpired.

  “I’ll just get my things,” Brynn said. She turned and hurried after her duffel.

  Kat called after her and followed. “You don’t have to go.”

  Brynn walked toward her, duffel in hand. “I really do. I have things to straighten out at home. You need to rest, to heal. Your friends are looking out for you.”

  Kat wanted to stop her, to reach for her arm. She wanted to tell her to stay, that she wanted her to stay, but the words wouldn’t come. Her throat was too tight with fear. Fear of rejection, fear of Murph and what he thought and what that meant. Fear that she cared what he thought.

  “Brynn, you don’t even have a ride.”

  Brynn slid into her shoes. “That won’t be a problem.” She held up a piece of paper. “Phone number. Ex-girlfriend.”

  Kat stepped back, startled. “Girlfriend?” Despite her desire and her fantasy regarding Brynn, she hadn’t given serious thought to the fact that she might be gay until her words in the bathroom. Maybe it was because she wasn’t known to date, too caught up in running the Williams family to care. But here it was. She was gay and she was throwing it in her face, trying to shock her or create a reaction. And it was working.

  “Yes,” Brynn said. “I like women.” She stuffed the paper into her pocket and headed for the door.

  Kat panicked, hating the sight of her upset and leaving. “Don’t.”

  Brynn stopped. “Why?”

  “I don’t want you to.”

  Brynn didn’t turn, just stood still, facing the door. “Why?”

  “Because, because…” But what could she say? She wasn’t even sure her feelings were wise or safe or even rational. And Murph’s reaction had told her that they might not be any of those things.

  Brynn’s shoulders fell. “Because you like me like I like you? I’m afraid that’s not enough. I’m afraid I will never be enough. Your friend…he just pretty much said so.” She laughed and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m a Williams. Lord knows that’s a curse I can’t do anything about. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of it too.” She unlocked the door and pulled it open.

  “Brynn…”

  “Good-bye, Vander. I would say call if you need me, but it’s probably best if you didn’t.” She stepped out and closed the door behind her. Kat crossed to it, pulled it open, and called after her as she walked across the grass. Across the street, Murph sat in his cruiser, phone to his ear. Furious, Kat slammed the door and stormed to find her phone. She tried calling Murph, but it went straight to voice mail.

  She looked out the window. Both Murph and Brynn were gone.

  “Damn it.” She sank into a kitchen chair, once again feeling completely helpless despite her strong will.

  Gunner came to her and licked her knee. She scratched his head. “I know, Gunner. I didn’t want her to go either.” She stared out the window, watched a hummingbird pause to feed out of her feeder. Brynn was flying away, flying home. And her home…was just too different from hers. Unlike her own, Brynn’s home would swallow her whole.

  Chapter Nine

  “I suppose there’s a reason as to why you’re giving me a ride home?” Brynn buckled her seat belt and watched as Deputy Murphy turned down the volume to his radio, silencing the cop chatter. He accelerated and the Dodge quickened more than she expected. “You’re pissed aren’t you? You think she’s too good for me. Well, don’t worry. I won’t argue with you.”

  They pulled onto the highway and he finally glanced over at her. “Why were you there then? Can’t you just leave her alone?”

  Brynn crossed her arms over her chest. “As you wish, Deputy.”

  He scoffed. “I’m supposed to believe that?”

  She felt her face contort with anger. “Right, because Williams girls lie, right?”

  He shrugged. “Your family’s not exactly known for truth telling, no.”

  She stared him down and studied his face that looked younger than his years. But the gray coming through his closely shaved head gave him away.

  “Go fuck yourself,” she said. She’d had enough. She’d given in, agreed to stop seeing Vander, but it wasn’t good enough. He had to add insult to injury.

  He laughed. “Classy as always. Wouldn’t expect anything less.”

  “You don’t have a clue who I am. You only know my name and you’re ignorant enough to think that that tells you all you need to know.”

  “Ignorant.”

  “Yes.” She stared back out the window. “I don’t know how Vander works with people like you.”

  “People like me?” He laughed again.

  “You assume too much. Assume the worst in people. It’s sad really. And I’m sorry you choose to live that way.”

  He didn’t respond, and they drove in silence for a while.

  “If I don’t live that way, if I don’t assume or expect the worst with the information I have, it can be dangerous. I could get hurt. Or worse, civilians could get hurt.”

  Brynn glanced at him and loosened her arms a little. He had a point, but she didn’t like it. She wanted to be mad, to continue thinking he was an ignorant ass. Just another know-it-all cop. Cocky as all get-out, knew more than everyone else. She’d dealt with so many of them with the same attitude, it was difficult for her to try to see their side of things. But if she didn’t, then she’d be just as ignorant as she was accusing him of being.

  “I guess I can see that,” she said softly.

  He rubbed the back of his neck and breathed loudly. “You gotta see where I’m coming from here. You’re a convicted felon. Fresh out of prison. Your sister is wanted for questioning, got a rap sheet the size of my arm, been locked up for a few months at a time. Your brother gets arrested for stealing. Both of them are into drugs. Would you want someone with all that attached to them hanging with your good friend, one you consider to be a sister?”

  Brynn’s eyes fell to the laptop attached to his dash. She thought long and hard. How could she defend that? She couldn’t. “You’re right.”

  “I’m not trying to be a dick here. I’m just protecting my friend. My friend who’s been badly injured, my friend who might lose her partner. God, I don’t know. I know how I must sound. Just—I’m sure you’re nice. I mean you seem to be, but—”

  “You just can’t bring yourself to trust me?”

  He slowed and turned on his blinker. When he spoke his voice was lower, softer. “I was hoping I didn’t have to.”

  “Hoping I was out of the picture now.”

  “Are you?”

  “I told her it wasn’t a good idea.”

  His thumb jumped against the steering wheel as he rested his hand on top of it. “I think that’s probably good.”

  “We’re just too different, from different worlds.”

  “Right.”

  He drove on slowly. When he reached Williams Lane he turned and drove down the dirt road carefully. Her neighbor’s dogs wandered alongside them, tails up, curious. Those neighbors that were on their front porch stared them down with unwelcome looks. Some went inside.

  “You sure are popular,” Brynn said. He pulled into her gravel drive an
d put the car in park.

  “I sure am.” He turned toward her. “I hope I didn’t come off too badly.”

  “Why are you worried about it? I mean, who cares what someone like me thinks, right?” She opened her door and slung her duffel behind her shoulder. “Have a good day, Deputy,” she said and shut the door.

  He eased down the window and called after her. “It’s for the best, Brynn. Really, it is.”

  She walked on, not bothering to look back. She threw back her shoulders and held her head high. She knew who she was, what was in her heart, and she wasn’t going to let this guy, well-meaning or not, bring her down. She heard his tires crunch on the gravel as he backed out and turned down the lane. She crossed her overgrown lawn and climbed the steps to her porch. The familiar smell of home—cigarettes, must, and old wood—hit her before she pulled open the screen door and stepped inside. The house was sweltering.

  Darkness encased her and she tossed her duffel on the couch and followed a banging noise into the kitchen. Sunlight streamed in over the sink where Billy was huddled, hitting the window air conditioner with a hammer.

  Sweat glistened on his bare skin, running down into his cutoff jeans.

  “Billy, what the hell are you doing?”

  He jerked, caught sight of her, and blinked. “Brynn?”

  He dropped the hammer in the sink and smiled, tugging at his Braves ball cap.

  Brynn grinned and smacked his upper arm. “I’m back, little bro.” She crossed to him and checked out the AC unit. “Aunt May just had this installed didn’t she? You shouldn’t be banging on it like that.”

  “It’s not working and Bea’s gone.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m here now.”

  He straightened and enveloped her in a hug. She returned it, still unable to believe how big he was. At six foot three and two thirty, Billy was built like a football player with thick shoulders and a broad back. But he’d never been interested in anything other than causing trouble. Even so, the guy had a good heart and he never intentionally hurt anyone. At least she’d instilled that in him.

  “Why aren’t you at work? I thought you were still helping Mr. Dudley?”