The Afterlife Series Omnibus: Heaven, Hell, Earth, Wasteland, War, Stones

by Mur Lafferty

  Daniel laughed. “We could use some wisdom right about now.”

  Professor Omega extended his hand in front of him. “Then walk in front of me. Once I pull up the tracks, you won't be able to get to the mountain.” They began walking, paying more attention to following the tracks than heading straight for the mountain.

  “Kate, if you're supposed to be in charge of heaven, shouldn't you be the Hobo God?” Daniel whispered.

  Kate snorted, but Daniel looked completely serious. “I’m not going to go around from heaven to heaven staging coups to oust the remaining gods. If they have enough power to keep their heavens working well, then I’m not going to bother them. Besides, we need this guy’s help, remember?”

  “So speaking of god, how’s the whole “god” thing working out for you?” Daniel asked.

  Kate watched her feet and wondered how much she should tell him. “I'm getting the hang of a couple of things.”

  “Like?”

  “I really don't think now is—” she began, but Professor Omega interrupted them.

  “Here ’tis!”

  Things seemed both closer and farther away in the Wasteland, and they had arrived at the Big Rock Candy Mountain without noticing. They stood at a plain train platform as Professor Omega finished cleaning up the tracks that allow the trains to turn around. He joined them on the platform and grinned, his stained teeth glinting in the sunlight. Here, it didn't snow at all. The sun shone merrily down on the trees, which resembled weeping willows with cigarettes as leaves. A brown stream ran down the mountain, and by the looks of some of the hobos reclining on the banks, it was safe to assume the stream held whiskey. In higher elevations, great outcroppings of milky quartz — or, as Kate realized, rock candy — jutted from the side of the mountain.

  A fat bulldog ran up to them, barking with a muffled braf. Kate knelt to pet her, but quickly pulled her hand back. “What’s wrong with that dog?”

  “Dogs have rubber teeth here,” Professor Omega said.

  Daniel nodded. “And I guess that's why that cop over there has wooden legs?”

  “Of course!”

  Kate shook her head. “This is a very weird place.”

  Daniel removed his cold weather gear. “No weirder than some of the other places we’ve been to.”

  Kate shrugged and removed her own winter clothes. “Professor, it never snows here?”

  “Not a flake.”

  “So can you take us to the Hobo God now?”

  Professor Omega’s deep voice resonated as he laughed. “Honey-pie, the last hobo has come home. Can you give me just a second to enjoy it?”

  Kate blushed. “Crap, I’m sorry; sure, go ahead.”

  Professor Omega stepped from the platform to the Technicolor-green grass and inhaled deeply. Kate wrinkled her nose; stale cigarette smoke and the scent of apple pie wafted through the air. Professor Omega bent down and put his long, withered fingers, the lighter side tinged yellow with nicotine, into the grass. Reality seemed to shift slightly around them, disorienting Kate, and she got the feeling that a door was closing somewhere. Immediately, all of the hobos in the vicinity looked their way and broke into scattered muted applause with their fingerless gloves. Then they went back to their business.

  Professor Omega smiled and said, “Ah, feels good to be home. Now I can take you to our God.”

  Daniel looked around incredulously. “That was it?”

  “Sure! Hobos don't stand on much ceremony. Now, the way to the holy shrine is a bit of climb, but we may be able to catch a train along the way. There’s a station up ahead.” They followed him up a winding path made of soft black rocks that Kate assumed were licorice. She expected a hobo Willy Wonka, complete with a brightly colored, patched suit, chewing on a cigar and singing “The Candy Man” in a strangled Tom Waits voice.

  Daniel spoke from behind her. “Finally; something other than walking. You’d think we could magic up some scooters or something.”

  Kate stopped to pet another rubber-toothed dog (who was really quite friendly). “I think there’s something traditional about walking. Vision quests, tests of the soul, that kind of thing. Do you think the exodus of Moses would have had as much power if they’d all just hopped into vans and headed out?”

  A train station appeared at the end of the trail, its tin roof silver and gleaming in the sunlight. Professor Omega climbed the stairs to the platform, waving at the hobos waiting for the train.

  “Here we are at station Alpha. Him who you seek here you seek is off the Omega station. The train will be here soon.” He turned to the other men and women on the platform. “Hobos! What’s the good word?”

  A man in tattered clothes argued with a woman who looked as if she were wearing a beekeeper’s suit and gloves, carrying a mesh helmet. A second man watched them, looking bored.

  The first man looked as if he had small nubs coming out of his forehead. “Jane, you’re full of rancid pie. I never seen no sign of anything of the sort.”

  The woman snorted. “Carl, that's because you don't leave the mountain. I have bees to tend, and bee heaven is just a hop, skip, and a jump down the tracks. And I tell you what I seen: there were some right unhappy folk in the first class car. Folk with bigger horn than you got.”

  “And how the hell did you get to the first class car?”

  Professor Omega put up his hands. “Hobos, what is the problem?”

  The men recognized Professor Omega and bowed. “Professor Omega, it is an honor. Jane here says she saw some unlikely folk in the first class car outside, that’s all.”

  “Well, she may have, Carl. She did travel the rail more than you did. But keep your manners, ‘bos; we have some guests.”

  He turned to them. “Kate, Daniel, these are Jane the Boxcar Beekeeper and Antlered Carl. That quiet one over there is known as Unnervingly Candid Nicky Thane.”

  Kate shook hands all around. “Hi. Nice antlers, Carl.”When she shook hands with Unnervingly Candid Nicky Thane, he looked at her with uncomfortably light green eyes. “You know, you remind me of my niece. Pretty girl. Bad with money. Got evicted, tried the hobo life, ended up homeless. Incredible disappointment to me. And you,” he said, pointing at Daniel, “Your fly is open, boy.”

  Kate cleared her throat. “Uh, charmed to meet you, sir.” Daniel turned around and fiddled with his pants. Yeah. Real charming.

  Jane put her hand on Professor Omega's arm. “I’m tellin’ you, Professor, what I seen was true. There were some right unhappy people meeting in the first class car. Not people I seen there before.”

  Professor Omega nodded. “I’m on my way to see H. I'll mention it to him.” Jane opened her mouth and started pointing at Antlered Carl, but a ripping sound interrupted her. She, Carl, and Professor Omega stepped back, and Kate and Daniel followed suit as they saw the tear appear in the air in front of them.

  It was similar to the time Daniel would split reality between hells when they traveled together, slicing his katana through dimensions to step between realms. A ragged, black hair appeared about six feet off the ground and slid downward, bleeding electric blue sparks. When it touched the train platform, a blue, fingerless-gloved hand appeared, followed by an arm, shoulder, and skull-capped head with olive skin and electric black eyes shining bug-like through his round goggles. He grinned at everyone and stepped through the tear. When he was fully on the platform, he passed his hand over the rip and it was gone. The man’s suit, which looked high-tech and expensive, still had the dirty, ragged stamp of the hobo on it, looking well-worn and old.

  “Hello ‘bos! Did I miss it?”

  Nicky slapped the hobo on the back. “You missed it, Bela. The fire, the destruction, and the fact that I stole your best pair of gloves before I died.”

  Professor Omega frowned at the new arrival. “Bela. You arrived after The Last. I don’t appreciate that.”

  Bela never lost his grin. “Professor! I died years ago! I arrived here before any of these hobos; jumping through dimension jus
t means I can leave at any time! Ask H; he’ll tell you. It’s a technicality. I've been counted. You’re still the last hobo; I just went wandering. I did get to see a pretty amazing end of the world where I was, though!” He looked at Kate and Daniel, who, Kate assumed, stood out like middle-class Americans at the Ritz. “Hello! You aren’t hobos! Who’s this?”

  Jane waved her heavy beekeeper glove at them. “Visitors. Forgot their names.”

  Nicky snorted. “Yes, their terrible, plain names. John and Mary, or something.”

  Bela bowed again. “Hello, plain people! I am Alternate Dimension Bela Boost! I just came from the end of the world in Dimension Blue! Fascinating people. Pity they’re all dead now. But their afterlife will likely be fascinating too, now that I think about it!”

  Kate shook her head, trying to clear it and focus on the important things. “Jane, what were you saying about the angry people in first—” she began, but a loud train whistle interrupted her.

  A sleek golden train slid up to the platform, belching smoke that smelled like pie. Kate and Daniel were apparently forgotten as the hobos scrambled onboard to jostle for the first-class car. Daniel started to follow, but Professor Omega took his arm and led him and Kate to a waiting boxcar down the line. He sang “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” for them as they rode along, looking at the landscape that matched the song perfectly. Daniel laughed at the parallels, but Kate kept her mind on Jane and her first-class companions. It didn't take the train long to climb the mountain and arrive at Omega station. Apparently no hobos were waiting in any of the other stations.

  Still humming, Professor Omega led them up a short mountain path to a leaning, abandoned-looking shack. In front of it sat a large, merrily bubbling fountain. In the center, a cement statue of a hobo leaned slightly over and vomited forth a brown frothy liquid. Tin cups had been hung on little hooks all around the fountain, so Daniel took one and sampled the mixture.

  “Dr. Pepper?”

  Professor Omega nodded. “Diet Dr. Pepper. H don't like the extra calories.”

  “‘H?’” Kate asked.

  “That is his name. H.” Professor Omega knocked twice on the door, and it opened immediately to reveal a small man who looked not at all like a hobo. His carefully combed hair was neatly cut and framed his clean-shaven face. His round glasses showed no indication that they had ever been shoddily repaired. He wore an immaculate blue suit and a look of polite inquisitiveness on his face. On his forehead was a tattooed “H” with a sunburst around it. Upon seeing him, Professor Omega knelt.

  “Yes?” H asked.

  Eyes on the ground, Professor Omega said, “It is done, Father. The world has ended. All the hobos are home.”

  “That is wonderful news. Today shall not be wasted.”

  “Today shall — hey!” Professor Omega hissed at Kate and Daniel. “Follow him!”

  Together, with Kate and Daniel stumbling along, they repeated the god’s words. “Today shall not be wasted.”

  H noticed them at last. “And you have brought me guests? These don’t look like hobos, Professor.”

  “They’ve come for your counsel. They’re deities from other realms.”

  H assessed them, and then motioned them inside the house. The one-room shack had a neatly swept dirt floor and a sagging bed sitting against one wall. Opposite the bed sat a wood stove with tin pots sitting atop it. No other furniture adorned the room. H sat on the bed and then graciously offered the floor to his guests. Kate and Daniel sat as Professor Omega waited by the door.

  Kate cleared her throat. She felt out of practice with addressing deities, which he bitterly recognized as ironic since she was now one of them. “Thank you for seeing us. We’re … relatively new at this and still getting the hang of everything.”

  “Clearly,” H said. “You could've called. I have a cell phone.”

  Daniel’s eye grew wide. “You have a cell phone? No one gave us cell phones!”

  Kate rolled her eyes, reached into her backpack, and then handed Daniel a cell phone. He scowled at her and said, “Well … no one gave us a phonebook.”

  “Pity,” the hobo god said.

  “Anyway,” Daniel continued. “The problem is that hell and most of the Wasteland have literally frozen over. The only place that’s not frozen is here. So we came to talk to you.”

  “That’s simple; I don't allow this area to receive snow.”

  “Yeah, but how?”

  The pleasant man’s voice gained an edge. “Have you come here for deity lessons? Did you receive no training? Did you not hear my prayer: ‘Today shall not be wasted’?”

  From the door, Professor Omega repeated, “Today shall not be wasted.”

  “What does that even mean?” Daniel asked, his voice getting higher.

  “It means that the day shall not be wasted,” H said, throwing his arms to the side as if to embrace them. Kate winced, expecting a godly show of power, but nothing came except for more admonishment from the god.

  “It means that whether you're riding the rails, or begging for a pie from a housewife, or getting temporary work as a farm hand, or sleeping under the stars, you are doing exactly what you should be doing at any one time. It means that only true hobos can be hobos, because they know not to waste, and you, sir, are no hobo, because you are wasting my time. It means that even if you do not know how to do something, like make it stop snowing, you will figure out how to do it without bothering another hobo who has his own day to not waste!” He sighed and regained composure within a second, smiling at them again. “Now, I bid you good luck. I have my own day to not waste, and I suggest you do not waste yours.”

  A creak sounded behind them as Professor Omega opened the door. Light spilled into the room, and Kate nudged the stunned Daniel to get him up. They left H and Professor Omega to their days, which presumably would not be wasted, and made their long walk down the mountain in silence.

  Stepping off the Big Rock Candy Mountain landed them immediately back into the snowy Wasteland, and Daniel swore, realizing his coat had been left on the train platform. With no train tracks connecting it to the rest of the afterlives, the Big Rock Candy Mountain shimmered and faded from view. They began walking, and Daniel shivered.

  “What now?”

  Kate shrugged, not affected by the weather. “Don’t waste the day, I guess.”

  He grimaced. “Thanks. Big help.” Then he brightened. “Hey, you turned the Wasteland into a carnival a while ago; can you make it stop snowing?”

  Kate sighed. “Probably, but I have my own shit to deal with, Daniel. I can't bail you out. You have powers; you’ve had them since the beginning, you just never believed it. When you got mad and had to bust shit up, you did great! Where did that wonderful clarity go? You seemed fine when I last saw you.”

  “Yeah, I had clarity, but that was before all the responsibility got piled on my shoulders. It got real. It got scary. And I didn't have you around to help me keep my head.”

  Kate stretched her fingers out to take his hands, but from behind them, a great roar echoed through the mountains. They jumped. Daniel grabbed Kate’s hand and began pulling her along.

  “Hey, have you wondered — because I have — what happened to the gods who perhaps didn't want to give up their roles as heads of hell?” The roar came again, closer this time. It sounded as if something was determined, angry, and very fast.

  Kate picked up speed. “You mean some demons who might want revenge? Yeah. Hadn’t crossed my mind till now… I wonder if these were the first-class passengers that the bee hobo was talking about. Are you up for fighting?” She reached behind her for her sword.

  Daniel made a choking sound. “Kate, I can’t control the weather. What makes you think I'd be any use with a goddess’s katana? I’d cut my own foot off.”

  “Fair enough; I can probably take whatever it is … maybe. Let’s try the easy way out first. Run.”

  They ran, then, their feet pounding the snow on the path that wound through the foo
thills. The mountains soon faded into the distance. Sometimes it did pay to be God. Kate and Daniel never saw their monstrous pursuer, and when its roars ceased, they slowed down.

  Kate put her hand on Daniel's shoulder. Neither of them panted from their run. “Hey, check it out.”

  “What?”

  “It stopped snowing.”

  Daniel looked around, surprised. The sandy Wasteland was pleasantly warm. “Huh. I guess I started angsting over something that was actually important.”

  “Looks like you just needed some direction.”

  “So the day wasn’t wasted.”

  “Guess not. Are you okay to get back to work?”

  “Yeah. I should probably start doing some research on who would be pissed at me for taking this job. What are you gonna do?”

  Kate looked back toward the direction of the mountains. “Back to meditation, I guess. Although I need to get back to work soon, too.”

  “I don’t think you should go back to the mountains …”

  “You may be right. Work, then. I'm probably ready.”

  Daniel smiled at her, making her heart twist painfully. “Thanks, Kate. And hey—”He took her hand.

  “Yeah?”

  “I still-"

  She didn’t let him finish. “Yeah. Me too. I’ll see you around.” She squeezed his hand and let it go.

  Before she did anything she’d regret, or worse, that embarrassed her, Kate concentrated briefly, and then appeared in her study, which had been untouched since Yahweh left it. She smiled to herself, knowing she’d see Daniel again soon. They had the Earth to rebuild, and there was the matter of those demons. Regardless, the day would not be wasted.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Daniel looked around his office, his lip curling. Red-skinned demons, with curling horns and tails ending in perfect arrowhead points, worked tirelessly in cubicles, shuffling paperwork. A huge humanoid male, wearing caveman skins (Daniel had dubbed him “Fred Flintstone” in his head) walked the cube aisles threatening the workers with a whip.

  "Why does this have to be my hell?"

  No one answered him. They didn't acknowledge his arrival. But Fred did nod to him, making some sort of salute with his whip hand, causing the flaming tip to ignite a nearby stack of papers. Daniel rolled his eyes as the demons frantically tried to swat the flames out, Fred whipping them the entire time.