Juilliard or Else

by Reese, Nichele

  "Gabs."

  I pulled my hands away to look at Tucker. His shimmering blue eyes were glossed over, and I could feel his heart hammering into mine.

  "I don't want to hurt you," he whispered against my wet cheek.

  Suddenly, the unwanted feeling was no longer there as Tucker kissed my swollen lips. He started to move and I gasped again against his open mouth,

  "I love you."

  I focused on his words, driving into my brain that this wonderful guy loved me. He loved me. I wrapped my arms around his neck because I wanted him even closer to me, if that was even possible.

  My hands glided down his back, slowly digging my nails into his skin. His hands tangled in my hair as he bit my bottom lip with each of his moves. And from that moment on, we were lost in each other's pace, as we made love for the first time.

  I was so happy as Tucker and I laid there with our rapid breaths. My head was resting on his sticky chest, and his right arm was slung over my shoulder, barely touching my skin. Nothing at all could ruin this moment. Tucker kissed the top of my head for about the hundredth time when I finally got up on my elbow to look at him.

  "Hey," he said with a smoldering smile, his deep dimple showing. I touched it with the tip of my finger,

  "Hey."

  "You okay?" I could hear the concern in his voice.

  I sighed, "I'm perfectly happy and you didn't hurt me." I smiled while shutting my eyes and he pushed some of my hair behind my ear. I leaned into his hand. When I opened my eyes, I saw some bodies move past the glowing windows of the green house. Scared, I sat up quickly and covered my chest with one of the blankets, "Someone's here!" After I said that, the doorknob rattled—someone wanted in.

  "Shit!" Tucker sat up fast, started pulling up his pants and tossed me my clothes.

  "Better get dressed, baby girl; they'll come in whether you're dressed or not," Tucker said, zipping up his pants while I was still naked. More sounds from the door mixed with pounding made my heart race as I got dressed. Right when I pulled my shirt over my head, the door flew open and the cold November air came inside. Tucker pulled me up, holding my jacket when four guys came in, and Tucker went completely stiff in front of me as one of the guys held his arms out.

  "Tucker, my main man," the guy said. He was one scary individual to me with tanned skin, light buzzed cut hair, deep brown eyes, and he was chewing on the end of a cigarette. "What you doing here, man? You don't look like you're out makin' me some dough."

  I heard Tucker growl, "Drop it, Ethan. Not now, man." Then he gave me his hoodie and I slipped it over my head.

  "Oh, you got ya a little girlfriend, huh?" I looked over at Ethan with a scowl.

  "Oh, feisty thing, aren't you?" Then he took a step towards me. Tucker stepped up to Ethan, shielding me more.

  "What's the matter, Tuck? You don't want to share this one?" Ethan asked. I pulled in a lungful of air. I knew that Tucker heard me because his shoulders went higher, blocking me from Ethan's glare.

  "Oh, let me guess; he didn't tell you that we share women?"

  I wanted to ask Tucker, but I couldn't; I couldn't even move out from around his body. I stared up at the back of his head.

  "Shut up, Ethan. That was one time, man."

  "Whatever, dude, you know you enjoyed it as much as I did. I wouldn't mind having a piece of what you got tonight, though."

  Ugh, I had enough. I didn't want to be around them, especially this…Ethan. His strong, brown eyes burned into my brain as he kept staring at me. I backed away.

  "Honey, don't you know that Tucker is too hot to handle for your cold hands? Now, you know who is hot?" Snapping his fingers, "What was her name, Tuck? Wasn't it Jasmine?"

  Jasmine?

  I had to get out of here, I needed to leave. But my feet were frozen to the floor boards. Out of nowhere, Ethan jumped towards me, trying to grab at me, but Tucker got in his way.

  "Fuck off, Ethan." Ethan then grabbed Tucker by his collar and started yell whispering in his face. At the first opportunity, I turned to run out the door to make a run for it, but bumped into a tall, Hispanic guy instead.

  "Whoa, look what I just caught, Ethan," he said, gripping the tops of my arms with force. "Is she fair game, Ethan?" I gasped and put all my anger into stomping on his foot; he let go with a grunt. I stepped back at the first chance I had, then he tried to reach for me again. I tried to turn away, but his hand caught my heart necklace, and the chain snapped like a piece of thread. I stopped to look at the guy's hand, which was perfectly still. I reached out to take it from him, but he pulled his hand away and held it up to his chest like it was his.

  That. Is. Mine!

  My anger boiled through my veins. This scumbag broke my necklace, which was my mother's, and now he thought he was going to keep it from me? Oh, hell no. The pit of my stomach felt as if it was on fire from my rage as I stepped up to him and smacked him across the face.

  "That was my dead mother's, you asshole!" I yelled and snatched the necklace from his grip. Somewhere from behind me, I heard Tucker say my name, but I hurried out of the green house and into the cold night air before he could stop me. The tears streaked my face as I cried the entire way home. I didn't know if Tucker chased after me; a part of me wished he did, but my heart was so broken right now as I held my destroyed necklace. I was also hurt from the mention of Jasmine's name. I couldn't believe Tucker touched her like that.

  I made it to my quiet apartment in record time. Jade was sitting on the couch, watching some TV show as I ran past her in sobs, trying my best to cover my face.

  "Gabs?!" she called out and I ignored her. I slammed my door shut and started stripping off my clothes. I had to get his smell off me, but it enveloped me like an air freshener. I put my necklace on my nightstand next to my mother's picture. I went straight into the bathroom to shower, and when I took my underwear off, I spotted the blood from the loss of my virginity. I didn't regret it; it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. I stepped in the line of scalding hot water when the bathroom door opened. I didn't want to see who it was. I stuck my head under the showerhead and let the pounding water beat my thoughts away.

  In so many ways, I knew Tucker. And in many other ways, I didn't know him at all. He kept secrets hidden so well. I repositioned the nozzle down so I could rest my head on the cold, tiled wall. Once my head hit the tile, I started to sob uncontrollably. My knees started to shake as I cried. I loved Tucker, but not once had I ever heard him talk about Ethan before.

  "Gabs," Jade's voice called to me.

  Exhaling a breath, I said, "What?"

  She knocked on the glass door. "Are you okay?" Her voice sounded so sincere and worried for me.

  "I'm fine, just need a minute."

  "Come out to our spot when you're done." Then she was gone. I wiped my face and let out a big breath; I knew that Jade wasn't a patient one—I had to pull it together and talk to her about it. I lathered my soap really well in my hands and started washing my body, then my hair.

  I started to think about what Ethan said about sharing girls with Tucker; I cringed at the thought and grabbed my soap again to wash it all away. I hated the thought of Tucker being with other girls. But Jasmine? Really? I knew he had been with them before, but the thought of him and Ethan sharing one turned my stomach and I couldn't control it. The same feeling started to come up and hit the back of my throat. I cupped my mouth and raced out of the shower to the toilet and threw up all my anguish. The cold air in the room caused me to shake uncontrollably as I sobbed into the echoing toilet bowl.

  I have to stop throwing up! I yelled at myself.

  The breathing technique wasn't helping me. I breathed out; I cried. I sucked in air and the chills burned my flesh. I quickly wiped my mouth, then I went back into the shower to clean off the suds in my hair that I missed.

  Jasmine. No wonder she kept throwing things about Tucker in my face. She already had him. I wrapped myself in a towel, brushed my teeth, and then ran a quick comb thr
ough my hair. Spotting my underwear, I scooped them up and tossed them in my hamper. I dressed in my one pair of thick dance sweats and padded to the balcony to meet Jade.

  She had a black beanie on with her comforter on her lap. I was walking over to the other lounge chair when she tossed back the big blanket. "Come here, Gabs," she invited and she squeezed over to the side. We were both pretty little, so we fit together nicely in the small chair.

  Taking off her beanie and setting it on my wet head of hair, she scolded, "You're gonna freeze with wet hair," then tossed me the pack of cigarettes. While I smoked, Jade gave me my space like always until I was ready to talk. Nothing was going through my mind as the slow three minutes passed by. Tucker did something dangerous when he wasn't with me; I got that much. I'd never heard of Ethan before—not even when I "wasn't" listening to Tucker and Brad talk on the sidelines.

  "I had sex with Tucker tonight," I confessed out, while the smoke left my lips.

  "Hooker." I snapped my head towards Jade as she giggled under her breath "Just kidding, Gabs. How was it?"

  "It was okay; it hurt," I said, flicking the tip and watching the ashes fly away in the cold wind. I wished I could fly away just as easily sometimes.

  "Usually does the first time, not so much after that." She nodded. "Is that why you were crying?"

  "No," said as I stubbed out the butt and flicked it over the rail. "This guy, Ethan, came after we were done, asking Tucker if he was going to share me with him."

  I felt Jade's body shudder. "Oh, that's nasty."

  "I know! That's what I was thinking,"

  The wind picked up around us and we pulled the blanket up to our chins and snuggled closer together.

  "Then what?"

  "Ethan asked if he was gonna share me like they shared Jasmine." I said her name with much annoyance.

  "WHAT?!" Jade yelled and I jumped. I couldn't start the story right away; instead I sat there and cried for a little bit. When I was done, I started back at the beginning, from when Tucker picked me up to the throwing up in the bathroom, and even told her about our "I love you's". Being the good friend she was, she sat and listened to me spill my guts out. She nodded occasionally and agreed, but she always held in her opinion until I was done. That's why I loved talking to her so much.

  "I can't believe it – Jasmine, of all people. But you know what I think?"

  I was nervous to hear what she had to tell me. Was she going to say break up with him and never see him again? Because I didn't think I could do that. Taking a deep breath, I asked "What?" and shut my eyes, waiting for her answer.

  "You love him and he loves you. That's all that should matter." My eyes snapped open.

  "What?" My voice screeching at the end.

  "What else do you what me to say? Gross, what a dick, that rat bastard?"

  I held my hand up to silence her mouth and she smacked it away. Damn Jade, she always knew just how to push my buttons.

  "Truth?" I looked over at Jade who was staring out in front of her.

  I nodded and answered, "Yeah."

  Right when Jade was going to tell me what she thought, we heard the door slam shut and Rachel's red hair went flying past the windows.

  "Oh shit," Jade murmured

  I tried to get up off the chair, but Jade held me back. "Let her cool off. Anyways, did you guys at least use a condom?"

  Oh no!

  We didn't. We didn't use anything. I smacked myself in the face right before Jade smacked me upside the back of my beanie covered head. The moment was right there, the sensations, the feelings, his lips on my body, my legs wrapped around his narrow waist as I drove my hips into his like a cat in heat.

  "You didn't use anything?"

  I shook my head at her. I felt the tears form at my careless decision, and Jade took me into her side.

  "Okay, don't get all drama girl on me, just be careful next time. You don't want a little one running around and…"

  My head snapped up. My conscience was screaming at me: A baby? I didn't want a baby! Then I yelled, "I don't want a baby!"

  "Then think before you act, dumbass, and tell him to wrap it up."

  I nodded and huddled into the chair some more with Jade. We smoked once more before our fingers felt like they were going to fall off. Jade joked with me, putting me in a much better mood. We were laughing as we walked back into the dark apartment and started down the hallway to Rachel's bedroom, when a dead knock sounded on the front door. I knew who would be on the other side of that door; I turned to Jade who left my side and the door to Rachel's room was closing.

  I padded over and stood on my tippy toes to peek out the little hole to find Tucker on the other side. I rested my head on the door, and then I heard him.

  "Gabs. Baby girl, please open the door. Just let me explain." My heart broke at the sound of his voice calling out to me.

  Oh, I wanted to so bad. He touched Jasmine in an intimate way, but I knew that with just one look in his ocean blue eyes, all sad and looking at me, I would have no chance if I opened that door. I only saw myself flying into his strong muscled arms, just so he could hold me and tell me sweet things in my ear. I felt a thud on the door, wondering if it was his head. Squeezing my eyes shut as tight as they could go, I took a deep breath and straightened my body, ready to turn and leave him.

  "Gabs, please. I don't want to lose you. Let me explain."

  My heart sank and I opened the door. Tucker stood with his hands on each side of the doorframe with his head down. When he finally looked up, his brown hair looked like he raked through it a million times; his eyes were sad and filled with glistening, unshed tears. He reached out for me and just like I predicted, I flew into his arms. Inhaling the leather jacket scent mixed with the spiciness of him, I was lost.

  "Jasmine was Ethan's girl a long ass time ago. It was something I only did once—it was nothing. She meant absolutely nothing to me." I cried into his shoulder as he told me this. Tucker's arms tightened around my waist. "Please, baby girl. I love you; I don't want to lose you. I love you."

  And I was once again lost. I no longer cared about everything that went down with Ethan. I shouldn't have judged him for something he did before he even met me. That was his past, which shouldn't be brought up. You could end up only hurting you and the ones that meant the most to you. As we were still connected and walking backward into my apartment, Tucker kicked the front door shut and reached down to cup my butt as he lifted me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. He carried me down to my room, shutting the door with his foot again, and we landed on my bed. He sat up, resting on his elbows as he stared intently into my eyes.

  "I love you, Gabs. What Ethan said…"

  I covered his lips with my fingers to stop him. "Shhh…" I whispered, then arched my neck up and pressed my lips to his in a tender kiss. We slowly pulled our clothes off and lay together in the soft sheets of my bed as we touched and caressed each other's bodies for the second time that night. We were slow and took our time with each other. Trailing lines of hot kisses up and down our bodies, he even tickled me a little bit. And this time, when it was time to have each other, we stopped before it got too far and I remembered Jade's advice. I didn't want a baby, and I'm sure Tucker didn't want one, either.

  I woke up to the warm sun on my naked back. Fingertips traveled down my spine and back up They made a little circle over my shoulder blade, and then went back down again. My hands were under my pillow and my face was turned away from Tucker. I smiled when I felt his lips gently touch my shoulder.

  "I love you," he murmured into my warm, sun-kissed skin.

  Shutting my eyes as Tucker left the room, I didn't move as I listened to him in there, going to the bathroom, washing his hands, then coming back in. I still kept my eyes shut when he climbed back in bed with me; his fingers continued what they were doing. Then he stopped; my eyes slowly opened at the bright morning sun, my hair was moved over my shoulder and I felt a soft wet, sharp point on my shoulder blade.

/>   I jumped at the surprise sensation pressing into my skin. "Hold still a minute, baby girl," Tucker whispered and I slowly relaxed and laid back down on my bed.

  "What are you doing?" I asked into the pillow, smiling.

  "Having fun, hold still."

  I smiled, I knew what he was doing, and he was drawing on me. I felt the point press into my skin as little lines moved over my shoulder blade. Tucker stretched my skin and moved it around some more. I felt him blow his hot breath on my skin to dry it, then felt his fingertips go down my spine again, causing me to shudder. I turned my face over to look at him.

  His long brown hair hung into his eyes, messy, just the way I prefer it. He stared at my back. "What did you draw?" He smiled instead of answering me. He met my eyes. I got up on my elbows and kissed his lips and he gladly kissed me back.

  We spent most of the morning in bed. Holding each other and talking, I really didn't want to get up, or do anything. I had Tucker, and that's all that mattered. My head was resting on his chest when his phone chimed. He grunted and looked at it.

  "Jett needs me to come in," he told me, kissing the top of my head while his other hand went through my hair for the millionth time today. Having him here felt so right—his touch, the feel of him pressed up against me, everything. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

  I sighed and shut my eyes, "For how long?"

  "I have two clients requesting me. Wanna come watch?"

  I pushed up on my elbows, looking at his face. "Really?"

  "Why not? You're my girlfriend," he said as he kissed my shoulder.

  I didn't even think about answering him. I threw up the covers and booked it into my bathroom to take a shower. Of course I wanted to go. He's seen me practice; I wanted to watch him work. I caught a quick glimpse at my back. He drew the same black swirls on my shoulder blade like the pattern on his arm and up his shoulder. I smiled at the thought of having the same thing as him.