Juilliard or Else

by Reese, Nichele

  Rachel walked in my room with a very satisfied look on her face. Once again, her hair was a complete rat's nest.

  "Dude. Do not, I repeat, do not let me sleep on the bathroom floor again!" Jade rubbed her butt and stretched out her back.

  Rachel scoffed, "What the hell are you doing sleeping on the bathroom floor?"

  Before Jade could even say anything, I cut in. "I got a little food poisoning last night. It's nothing. My phone buzzed and I picked it up to see Carol's number, my dad's, and Alex's. For one, I was not calling Alex back. I could ignore Carol, but my dear, sweet dad did not deserve to be ignored. I dialed his number and talked with him for a few minutes. Hearing Carol's high heels in the background, I kept my dad talking so she couldn't take the phone away. That didn't always stop her, though. I told my dad that the show started at eight and I would see him and Carol there, then quickly hung up the phone.

  I felt bland; that was the only word I could think of to describe how I felt right now. Bland, tasteless, dead. I just had to get through tonight and try and make it not such a disaster moment in my life. The rest of the day went by in a blur. I sat and listened to Rachel talk about the most amazing night with Brad and how he actually took her out on a date. They stayed at Jett's on the couch, but she didn't care. Rachel didn't say anything about Tucker. She didn't mention his name once; I wonder if she even saw him. Noticing the time, it was time to get ready to go. Rachel left to go meet her mom and said they would meet us at the Lincoln Center. I was excited to see Trish; I missed her spunk.

  I stood up and starting brushing out my blonde hair to pull it up in the usual bun. The cast would do my makeup when I got there. I wondered if Tucker was going to be there. He said he wouldn't step foot into a room with Carol, is she was going to have Alex was with her and dangle him in my face. I dressed all in black and Jade met me at the front door with my silver coat.

  "You're coming?"

  "Wouldn't miss it. I texted Ray; she's already there with her mom,"

  I nodded. More people were coming and I just kept worrying about if Tucker was going to be there. Deep down, I knew I had to accept the fact that Tucker probably wouldn't be there.

  "When did Jett leave yesterday?" I asked, shutting and locking up the front door.

  "Right after you started throwing up. He said he was going to find Tucker, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

  "You didn't tell him about the baby, right?'

  "Gabs, no!" she snapped at me. "That's not my place, okay? That's between you and Tuck."

  Michael had a cab pulled over as we walked into the cold winter air. The night was cold as we bundled closer together and climbed in.

  "This is the last show right?"

  "Yeah, last show," I said as my teeth chattered together.

  "You sad?"

  "No, I don't have to deal with Jasmine breathing down my back and trying to push me out of the way the entire time, and Madame Ava..." I stopped; I had mixed feelings about Madame Ava. I praised her so much for all the help she had given me. She had been tough, but sometimes you need tough love to grow a little.

  Rachel was standing at the curb with her mom in tow, who looked gorgeous as always, but with the weather taking a turn and with the frosted cold air, surprisingly Trish was dressed from head to toe.

  Rachel grabbed my hand, pulling me to the side and cupping my face.

  "Where's Tucker?" Her green eyes were wide.

  I didn't want to talk about him. "I don't know Rach." I tried to turn my face from her grasp, but she just wouldn't let me go. I could feel the tears starting to come, stinging my heart all over again at the lost of him.

  "Brad is flippin' out, he can't find him."

  "Then that's his problem, not mine." I was able to get loose of her hold, but as I tried stepping around her, she blocked my path. Looking at me dead in the eyes, I could see that they were very serious eyes.

  "Listen, Gabs, Tucker is in trouble; he's in trouble for trying to help out Brad."

  My heart sped up. "What kind of trouble?" I asked, now that she had my full attention.

  "I don't know, something to do with Ethan. I only know Tucker was helping Brad out then Tucker took off. Brad said to keep you, Jade and I off the streets."

  What the hell? None of this was making any sense. Rachel was talking in riddles to me. "I don't know what to tell you, Rach, but I don't know where Tucker is. I have to go perform, see you inside." Taking off and leaving my little group of friends at the curb, I raced into the Lincoln Center. The inside wasn't crowded, yet. The show started at eight and it was only seven. I had one hour to try and find Tucker. Pulling my phone out as I made my way to the dressing room, I stopped dead in my tracks when he answered, barking in the phone.

  "What do you want?" I gasped in the phone at his response.

  Shutting my eyes, I took a deep breath to form words. "Tucker, where are you?" I pleaded to him, hoping he would respond. "Just tell me where you are."

  "Why do you care? I told you that I didn't want you."

  I leaned up against a wall. I really didn't want to fight with him. I needed him. "Tucker, stop, just please tell me where you are? I'm scared." Tears formed and fell. I was thankful I didn't have my makeup caked on my face, yet.

  "You shouldn't be scared – you have Alex and his money to protect you."

  His words were hurting me and he didn't even know it. "Tucker, stop with the Alex stuff. I told you, I don't want him; I want you, only you." My voice cut off at the end and I cleared my throat.

  I heard him take a deep breath and say, "I'm in Central Park," I had his location now. He gave in. Everything was going to be okay. I started walking towards the dressing rooms with my phone still up against my ear, but neither of us was speaking.

  "Gabs."

  I wiped my face. "Yes, Tucker." Shutting my eyes, I listened to his voice that I missed so much already. I wanted him near me right now, holding me tight in his strong arms, keeping me safe.

  "Are you coming tonight?" I hoped he would say yes. I needed him more than ever right now, just to have him in the audience where I would dance just for him. He loved watching me practice my heart out. He didn't judge me as I would make little mistakes. He would just sit there all quiet, watching me. He always said he liked it when I would go en pointe on my toes – didn't know how I could stand it. The memory pulled from me as I tried to teach him one day. We laughed; I even tried to convince him just to put on the guys' ballet shoes so he could try. I remembered him answering me with, "That's not my style." I waited on the phone for him to answer me and when he did, I wasn't expecting it his words at all.

  "I love you." Then he hung up the phone. He didn't even let me say it back to him. I loved him so much and I couldn't even tell him. At the last minute, before heading into the makeup room, I sent a quick text.

  Me: U don't know how much I love you, Tucker. I hope you come 2night, I need you.

  I watched the little word "sending…," then saw that it went through. Stripping my coat off, I sat in the chair as one of the cast crew started caking my face in makeup. I just held my phone, waiting for it to vibrate, but nothing came.

  I was dressed in my white leotard and tutu with gold trimming with my crown on the top of my head. I was all ready to go. Big deep breaths…didn't matter how many times I perform, I will always get nervous. The lights in the audience began to flicker, meaning ten minutes and everyone should take their seats. This was my last dance in the Nutcracker. I was pretty sad about it. As I stood at the side of the stage, I scanned the crowd for a certain pair of eyes that only watched me. I dreaded it when Alex would come to watch me in my happiest moments; I'd rather have Tucker here.

  The lights went dim and the slow orchestra started to play, telling everyone that the show was starting. I sat down on the floor and started my stretching routine when Madame Ava stopped at my feet. I glanced up to see her serious face and piercing blue eyes, her mink wrapped around her elbows and in a black gown; she looked be
autiful.

  "Abigail, this is the last show of the Christmas season." I swallowed hard, hoping that she wouldn't get mad at me for something already. The show hadn't even started, yet. "You've done very well so far, and I wanted to let you know how proud I am to call you my student."

  I was shocked – not once through this entire ballet process had she ever acknowledged me. I watched her turn around and leave. Jasmine was standing behind her and gave me the famous death glare she always gives.

  "Alright, come on ladies and gentlemen. It's time!" Our stage manager yelled as he tried gathering us around him. Walking over to our circle and standing by Bethany, our stage manager reminded us not to make certain mistakes like we had in the last show.

  It was the same as always; if we got lost at all, we would count in our head, then repeat the moves from a dancer from the side. The lights dimmed all the way down and the music of the opening song began to play with the little kids enjoying the party. I watched the kids dance with each other, holding hands, dancing in a straight line up, then back down. I felt my throat close up and held in a sob that desperately wanted out. I covered my mouth with my hand to hold it in as best as I could. I think that was the first time I took in my pregnancy; I had a little innocent baby inside me. My hands rested on my lower abdomen as I continued to watch the party scene.

  I scanned the crowd one more time, along the back. There was still no sign of him. I didn't have to look at the seated crowd for the familiar faces of my family to know that they were here; I knew they would be. But I did anyway. I found Trish, Rachel and Jade—all three spotted me and gave me a little wave. All I could do was smile back. Jade's face dropped and turned to look at the back of the audience; she met my eyes and shrugged.

  About six rows in front of them I spotted my dad with a smile on his face as he watched the same little children dancing; Carol was next to my dad with a hand on his arm and her other hand grasping her necklace, and Alex sat next to Carol, and was on his phone. I groaned in frustration, which was so annoying; I knew he didn't want anything to do with me. He just really wanted to be on my dad's good side and to become a partner in his firm. There just wasn't any chemistry between us, but Carol didn't see it that way; she saw exactly what she wanted – me being taken care of. I could understand her trying to protect me, but my heart wanted what it wanted.

  "Abigail, go," my stage manager growled over at me.

  Time for my entrance, I walked gracefully with my head held up high as the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy would. Arms out, head high, then I stopped in the center of the stage. If Tucker wasn't going to be here, then I was going to give out the best performance tonight. I focused on the wonderful soft music and remembered to keep my head high and smile happily.

  I was proud of myself for not missing one leap. When I jumped; my feet were together when they were supposed to be. I went en pointe and not once did I lose my balance. My smile got bigger and bigger on my face as I landed every move with grace and elegance. The room was so quiet when the music was stopped. When it was time for intermission, I padded over to a chair and sat my tired butt down. I felt so different right now—more relaxed for some reason. I put my heart into all my turns. While going up en pointe, I thought of Tucker doing it that night at the club, in his Converse shoes, and then when he was at practice with me. Someone handed me a bottle of water and I took the longest drink from it, finishing it in thirty seconds tops.

  Madame Ava spotted me and made her way over. "Abigail," she breathed out, her hand hitting her chest and she dropped her head. I heard her take a deep then slowly let it out. When she looked back up at me, she had tears in her eyes. "You did absolutely beautiful out there. It has been your greatest performance yet." Her voice went high at the end. "Come here," she said, holding her arms open up to me. Getting up from my seat, I walked right into them as she embraced me in the tightest hug. "I'm so proud of you," she said, patting my back and I was lost in her arms. The hug didn't last long and she quickly pulled away from me to look in my eyes once more, then she was gone.

  We finished the entire Ballet with the closing dance with everyone, then lined up to all bow for our wonderful audience. Roses were tossed on the stage with cheers as I stepped forward to curtsy on the pointe of my toes. The claps only grew louder as Madame Ava walked up to my side and handed me a huge floral arrangement of brilliant red roses. The smell of the fresh flowers was strong as I smelled them; I loved roses. I bowed one more time to the audience and made my way back in line. I saw Jade, Rachel and Trish (who by the way was staring at the back of my dad's head) standing proudly and clapping their hands off. Of course, Jade being Jade, she tossed me her middle finger high in the air. I just grinned more at the wonderful supportive people in my life.

  I sat in my dressing room, staring at the one missed call I was dreading. Tucker called me five minutes ago and he didn't leave a voicemail. I tried calling him back, but no answer. I angrily tossed my phone on the dressing table and started washing the mountain load of makeup on my face. The more I thought about Tucker not showing up, the harder I scrubbed my face. My fingers dug into my eyes; the pressure helped. By the time I was done washing my face off, I pulled my hair out and furiously brushed through it, pulling on the little strands, causing me to wince at the pain at my scalp. I pulled on my outfit I wore over here and when I put my shoes in my bag, a knock sounded at my dressing room door.

  "Come in!" I shouted, still gathering my things. The first person I saw was Rachel with a big gorgeous smile on her face as she walked towards me with open arms to embrace me in the biggest hug possible. She squeezed me so tightly, I had to tap on her shoulder to get her to let go. When she pulled back, her eyes were filled with tears. "Gabs, you were absolutely beautiful tonight. You danced like an angel."

  Jade pushed her out of the way so she was now in front of me. "I'm supposed to give you this." She handed me a folded white piece of paper. I quickly opened it to see Tucker's script sitting on the inside.

  You were so beautiful tonight.

  I love you

  Tucker

  He was here, he saw me. My heart sped up as I read the lines over and over again. He was here. I looked around when I could and didn't see him at all in the audience; I wonder where he was hiding.

  "You ready to go?" I looked up to see Rachel, Jade and Trish staring at me. I was just standing there, holding Tucker's note he gave to Jade. I really wished he would just be with me instead of leering in the shadows. We were walking down the hall, talking about the ballet, and Rachel and Trish were raving on and on about how it was the best one yet. Trish even mentioned to Rachel that my dad was a 'hottie.' Jade's eyes didn't leave the side of my face as she watched my every move, as if I was going to break down any second. I was so used to it by now; it never surprised me anymore when I would catch her.

  "Abigail!" I turned to see Alex, strutting his stuff as he speed walked to me with a smirk of a smile—the smile I would rather see on Tucker's face. He grabbed my hands and held them out, forcing my arms to go around his neck as he hugged me. I went stiff and pulled back.

  Ugh…I was started to get pissed off. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone?

  "You did beautifully tonight," he said, smiling wide while he shifted from foot to foot. He did that when he was nervous, I noticed; he did that a lot in front of my dad.

  Forcing a smile, I mumbled, "Thanks," chewing on my lip. I had nothing to say to him. The air around us in the small hallway was starting to get thick and very uncomfortable. Jade snaked her arm through mine.

  "Well, see ya around, Al," quickly pulling me away.

  "It's Alex," he called out, but we just kept on walking.

  Once we were outside, we said our goodbyes to Trish at the curb of The Lincoln Center. Trish hugged me, told me how well I did, and that she was proud, and how she would love me always like another daughter to her. She thanked me for letting her come tonight, and I deeply squeezed her back like a daughter would hug a mother.

 
; I still thought about Tucker and why he didn't let me see him tonight. I had to dance and let Alex watch me move across the stage when all I wanted was Tucker's eyes. I think Alex played on his phone more than he watched me. I wanted so desperately to tell Tucker about the baby.

  Oh, our little innocent baby.

  Just at the thought, I placed my hand on my belly and sighed. Jade looked over at me with raised brows and took notice of my hands.

  Jade knew my situation I was in with Tucker; I couldn't even call it a situation. I was pregnant with Tucker's baby. I wanted Tucker more than anything, body and soul. Rachel raved about Brad and something he did for her that was "so cute and heartwarming'.

  "We are getting closer. I can see us becoming an item." Jade and I both smiled at that. The night was cold. New Year's approached closer and closer every day. I pulled my silver jacket tighter around my body. I only had five more months of school left. If I did the math right, our baby will arrive around August, which made me not be able to go back to Juilliard the following year.

  "Gabs?"

  Jade's voice pulled me out of thought about our baby and school when I kept walking when they stopped. "What?"

  I looked back at them and their eyes were set on something in front of us. I turned to see a group of guys walking towards us, saying profound things about the girls in front of them. They said Jade's name, but not Jade, they said Jaiden. I started stepping back. Rachel grabbed my hand.

  "Hey girls! Where you off to tonight?" one of them called out

  And that's when we took off in a different direction. They chased us, hearing their footsteps hitting the pavement behind us, gaining on our moves. We turned down an alleyway in hopes for a shortcut to our building, but it came to a dead end. When we turned back, the men crowded the opening. Their harsh breaths were coming up to us, sounding as it was echoing off the brick walls of the buildings between us. One of the men who was bald was right in front of my face and I slowly backed up. Jade grabbed my hand, pulling me back further until I was in the middle. The group of guys circled around us like prey. "I like the red head." Rachel gasped. Now we were shoulder to shoulder in a triangle shape, holding each other's hands, each one of us just watching them.