All the Light There Is

by Anise Eden

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, almost to myself. There were no boats out that morning, and the water was smooth and placid. From where we sat, I could see it lapping gently against a couple of boats docked at the pier. We were surrounded by pine forest, but on either side of the narrow opening where the cove met the creek there were fields of tall grasses, and I could glimpse the watery horizon.

  “I’m glad you like it.” Skeet cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m particularly glad you like it, Cate, because part of it is yours.”

  In my reverie, I must have misheard him. “I’m sorry, what was that?”

  “I said, part of this is yours. But I’m sorry, maybe this isn’t the right time…” Skeet’s eyes flickered over to Ben.

  More secrets? I hated secrets. Skeet didn’t know it, but he had turned his bellows on banked coals. With my irritation stoked, I straightened up in my chair and leaned forward. “Is this about my inheritance? Ardis mentioned that you wanted to talk to me privately about it, but anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Ben.”

  Ben tensed for a moment, but the look on my face must have convinced him that I didn’t need his assistance. He leaned back in his chair and watched.

  “Okay, then,” Skeet said, smiling nervously. “Well, Cate, you’ve inherited a one-tenth stake in Mercier from your father. He, I, and eight others all went in together as equal partners to build this place.”

  “One tenth—of this?” I gaped. When Skeet said part of it was mine, I thought he was referring to something of my father’s that he’d kept at the lodge, like a trophy or a box of letters. I couldn’t believe my father had left me something so…magnificent. My insides began to tremble. “I don’t understand. What about—I mean, didn’t he have other people…?”

  Skeet shook his head. “Like you, he was an only child. His parents passed years ago, and he didn’t produce any other heirs.”

  “Oh.” I was glad that it hadn’t yet occurred to me that I might have living grandparents or siblings out there. Otherwise, the news that I didn’t would have added to my strange grief. “No other children?”

  “No; he never married.” Skeet nodded to the waitress, who came over and poured coffee for all of us. I welcomed the pause in the conversation and tried to absorb what I was hearing. Mercier, this incredible place—my father had gifted a part of it to me.

  Ben reached over and squeezed my hand, and once again, I found the power of speech. “But my father died a year and a half ago. Why are you just telling me this now?”

  Skeet looked down at the tablecloth. “At your mother’s request, Joe left your inheritance in trust to her. Ardis said that Rhona kept wanting to tell you about it, but never found the right moment. After your mother passed, Ardis requested that she be the one to tell you, but as you know, she’s had trouble reaching you…” He shrugged apologetically as his voice trailed off.

  “No, of course,” I said. “That makes sense, I guess.”

  “There’s a small nest egg for you, as well, although Joe donated most of his assets to NIMH.” Skeet reached across the table and took my free hand. “He was passionate about our research, Cate. He wanted you to be a part of it.”

  I froze, unsure how to handle that turn in the conversation.

  Ben’s smooth baritone voice eased its way between Skeet and me. “I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to talk about that this week.”

  Skeet took the hint, patting my hand before pulling his back. “Of course. And Joe’s estate lawyer, Harris, will be here tomorrow; he’s a founding member of the lodge, as well. He can go over all of the details of the will with you, if you like.”

  My throat had gone dry. I took a sip of coffee. “Okay, sure.” The truth was, I knew next to nothing about wills and property, and certainly nothing about nest eggs. I’d never even needed the services of a lawyer before, and had no idea what to expect. I glanced over at Ben, who gave me a barely perceptible but reassuring nod.

  I welcomed another pause in the conversation as we all sipped our coffee. I looked out over the water and felt a deep pull, a desire to go out to the edge of the cove and keep on walking. I found myself wondering if the water was deeper than I was tall. If I walked out along the bottom of the cove and let it cover me, would I meet them there? My mother, my father? Closing my eyes, I imagined them under the water, both finally at peace with themselves and each other, walking toward me, clothes and hair moving ghostlike on the undercurrents, inviting me to embrace the same peace. My heart strained with that longing, while at the same time cracking into brittle pieces at the thought of leaving my life behind—leaving Ben, and all of the possibilities I had begun to allow myself to hope for.

  My hand floated up to touch my pendant, the beautifully carved circle of silver Kai had made to protect me from absorbing other people’s energies. Then I touched the ring Ben had given me—a reminder that he was always with me, even when we were physically apart. Tears built up behind my eyes like water pressing against a dam. I knew that if I looked at Ben, the dam would break, so instead I reached under the table and squeezed his leg, hoping he would grasp what was happening.

  Ben’s hand was warm and heavy on mine. “Skeet, I know the plan is to take the grand tour, and we’re looking forward to it. But is there a chance we could settle into our rooms first? I know Cate would probably like to freshen up.”

  I managed a smile and a nod.

  “Yes, of course!” Skeet exclaimed. “And I apologize, Cate; I know this is a lot to take in. Take as long as you need. When you’re ready for the tour, just come down to the lobby and tell the front desk staff.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “We shouldn’t be long.”

  Ben and I stood and followed Skeet back down the hallway to the foyer. He pointed down the hallway that had been on our right when we first came in. “South wing. About halfway down is the elevator bay. You’re on the third floor. Your bags should already be up there.”

  “Thanks.” Ben grasped my hand. “We’ll see you shortly.”

  • • •

  Ben dropped me off at my door, saying that he had to get something out of his bags. As I walked into my room, my mouth fell open as if its hinge had broken. Like the rest of the lodge, everything was made of sumptuous, hand-carved woods from floor to twenty-foot ceiling. A tall window faced the cove. The room was dominated by a huge four-poster bed on one end and a giant stone fireplace on the other. There was a couch flanked by two lounge chairs covered in deep green velvet, and a coffee table with part of a thick tree trunk as the stand. The tabletop itself was a horizontal slice out of an even bigger tree, every ring visible.

  A door led to a private bathroom. I took a quick glance and saw that the whole room was lined with gray and white granite tiles, and a hot tub stood on an elevated platform in the corner. Recessed lighting gave the room a soft, cool glow.

  By contrast, the bedroom itself was all warm colors and fabrics that invited touching. I fell backward onto the bed, ready to hash out everything that had happened over coffee. But when Ben came in, he held his finger over his mouth in a silencing gesture. He was carrying some kind of small device. It unfolded into the sort of metal sculpture you might see on an office desk. He placed it on the windowsill, concealed behind the curtain.

  “What is that?” I mouthed when he turned back towards me.

  “It’s okay, we can talk now,” he said. “It’s a scrambler. It’ll disrupt any attempts at surveillance in this room. We’ll each have one.”

  “Seriously? You really think we’re being bugged, or tapped, or something?”

  “No,” he said in a tone that sounded more like “probably.” “Just erring on the side of caution.”

  I was shaking my head when a gauzy white canopy over the bed caught my eye. “Is that—mosquito netting?”

  Ben reached up and rubbed the fabric between his fingers. “It is. Obviously, they’re going for authenticity here.”

  For some reason, his dry tone made me giggle, and in s
pite of the fact that there was nothing funny about the situation, I found that I couldn’t stop. I curled up on the bed, then stretched out spread-eagle as laughter overtook me. Ben just looked down at me, rubbing his jaw.

  Between guffaws, I managed, “Don’t you get how absurd all of this is? We come here to investigate whether Skeet’s up to something sinister and find out I’m part owner of the Death Star! Oh!” Then the thought of another Star Wars comparison threw me into gales of laughter. “And my father might have been Darth Vader! Oh my god—and I dressed up as Princess Leia one Halloween!” I rolled onto my stomach, grabbing a pillow to laugh into so that the whole lodge wouldn’t hear.

  I felt the mattress sink beside me as Ben joined me on the bed. The waves of laughter gradually slowed until they were just occasional lurches. The outburst had drained the tension from my body, and I felt limp. I turned my head to look at Ben, who was half-reclining next to me. He reached out and rested his hand between my shoulder blades, then began to rub slow, wide circles on my back. The last of the jerky laughter stopped as my body entered a relaxed trance. “Mmm.” My eyelids fell closed.

  “Princess Leia, huh?”

  “Yeah. My mom put my hair in those rolly side buns and everything.”

  “I should warn you, I had a crush on Leia back in the day.”

  I opened one eye and looked at him. “Really?”

  “Absolutely.” He arched an inquisitive eyebrow. “Any chance you had the hots for Han Solo?”

  “Why?” As soon as I asked, it dawned on me. Ben’s hand dropped away as I rolled onto my side and propped myself up on my elbow, grinning. “Did you dress up as him?”

  Ben nodded solemnly. “My mother may have photographic evidence.”

  “Hah!” I loved the thought of little Ben trick-or-treating in a Han Solo costume. “I am so talking to your mother when we get home. I want to see every single photo album. But why didn’t you dress up as your namesake, Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi?”

  “You’re disappointed?” Ben frowned. “You had a thing for Obi-Wan Kenobi?”

  “Of course not! He was old enough to be my grandfather. I much preferred Han Solo.”

  He reached over and squeezed my hip, then ran his hand up over my waist until it came to rest on the side of my ribcage. I gasped, hoping beyond hope that his fingers would continue their journey upward… But no such luck. Instead, Ben just gave me a sideways smile and said, “At your service, Princess.”

  “If only.” I reached up and stroked his hand, teasing the soft skin between his fingers. “You do realize that Leia gives the orders; she doesn’t take them. And she doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, either.”

  “Hmm.” He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed me on the palm, sending a shiver through me. “This Leia sounds pretty headstrong. Good thing she has Han Solo to look out for her.”

  Although his tone was light, Ben’s words called to mind each time over the past two weeks that he had, in fact, stepped in to protect me—even saving my life a few times. The gold flecks in his eyes flashed, and I knew that his subtle reminder hadn’t been accidental.

  But this week, we were honored guests at a luxury sporting resort, not trying to solve a top-secret murder under Marine Corps protection. “As I said before, you can relax, Rottie,” I said, using his old Marine Corps nickname. “I promised to follow your safety protocols, remember?”

  “I remember, but we haven’t established what those are yet. Until we do, I want us to stick together, okay? No separating, no running off.”

  “I’m not going to run off!”

  “Just making sure.”

  Hearing the undercurrent of pain in his voice, I kept my irritation in check. In fairness to Ben, I had sort of run off once before, even though it had been for a good reason. And I knew why he was so fixated on protecting those he loved. He felt guilty for failing to prevent his father’s death, even though it had been due to an accidental overdose. But his father had struggled with alcoholism for years, and when Ben left home to join the Marines, his father began abusing painkillers, as well. Ben blamed himself for that, believing that if he had stayed home, his father would still be alive.

  Between that guilt and being a member of Yankee Company—his special Marine Corps unit dedicated to protecting whistleblowers from the government—Ben had developed an amplified sense of responsibility for protecting others. Unfortunately, the fact that I kept getting into life-threatening situations had only intensified his need to feel in control of things.

  I squeezed his hand. “We’ll stick together.”

  “Good.” Ben released my hand and gently brushed a loose strand of hair from my cheek. “Now let’s talk about you. You had me worried, back there in the dining room. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m okay, I guess. The past twenty-four hours…it’s been a lot to take in. I guess I just needed a minute to breathe.”

  “It has been a lot.” He began stroking my hair. “You want to talk about it?”

  I shrugged. I had been ready to talk things over, but suddenly, the idea seemed exhausting. Besides, until I found out what my father and Skeet had been up to, I wouldn’t know whether to feel angry at my mother for keeping me from Joe, or grateful to her for protecting me. I also didn’t know whether to respect Joe for going along with my mother’s wishes, or to hate him for depriving me of a father for all those years. And until I learned more about who Joe was as a person…

  At that point, there were just too many unknowns. I wouldn’t even know in what direction to fall apart. All I knew was that there had been too much tragedy, and I wished everything had been different. Grief turned my heart to lead, and tears once again pressed against the back of my eyes. But I knew that if I let myself start to feel all of the emotions clamoring for attention inside of me, the tears would start and never stop. My time at the lodge would be a waste. I’d leave there a complete mess with nothing resolved—and I wasn’t willing to risk that. It was too important.

  I decided to try a visualization technique that had helped some of my therapy clients temporarily contain overwhelming thoughts and feelings. I closed my eyes and turned inward. I imagined a lockbox with its lid open, floating in the middle of my chest. Then, I pulled together every thread of willpower I could find and pushed all of those troubling emotions into the lockbox. With a final burst of effort, I pictured myself slamming the lid and affixing a padlock. I wouldn’t open the lockbox again until I had everything I needed to deal with the feelings stored inside—not until I was ready.

  But Ben was still waiting for an answer to his question. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, focusing my attention on the sensation of his hand stroking my hair, soothing me. Finally, I reached a place of relative calm. “I’m not sure what to talk about right now, or how to feel—and I won’t be, until I get the answers I’m looking for.”

  There was a long pause, and I could almost hear him arguing with himself, deciding whether to push me or leave it alone. “I understand,” he finally said, but I could hear the uncertainty in his voice. He knew I wasn’t telling him everything. “I’m amazed at how well you’ve been holding it together.”

  “Yeah, me too.” If only Ben knew how tenuous my control was.

  “Listen, whatever you need, I’ll make sure you get it. And that includes answers. We won’t leave here until you’re satisfied.”

  Relief breathed through me. That was the Ben I wanted, the Ben I needed. Determined and focused on problem solving. “Thank you.” I turned and kissed the palm of his hand. “I mean it.”

  He cradled my face in his hands and looked down at me, his eyes impossibly full of affection. “And when this is all over, whatever happens, you won’t be dealing with it alone. I’ll be there, and I’ll take care of you. I’m in love with you, Cate, and I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”

  I swallowed hard as his words wound their way around my heart, sliding into every corner like the glow of firelight, blanketing me in warmth and comfort. I closed my e
yes and nestled my face into his hand, never wanting to leave that exact spot.

  “Do you want to postpone the grand tour?” he asked.

  “No.” I grasped his hand. “I really do want to see the rest of this place, and honestly, I think I could use the distraction.”

  “All right. But if you ever feel like you need a break, just say the word. And if you don’t feel comfortable just bailing, let me know, and I’ll find a way to get us out of whatever we’re doing.”

  The heat of a blush pricked my cheeks. The last thing I wanted was to stoke Ben’s overprotective tendencies by letting him think I was a helpless damsel in distress. “That goes both ways, you know. I can get you out of uncomfortable situations, too. Maybe we should come up with a code word we can use, like a universal distress signal.”

  “Hmm. That’s not a bad thought. Any ideas?”

  I scanned my brain and came up empty. “No, sorry.”

  Ben rubbed his jaw for a moment. Then his face lit up. “I know!”

  “What?”

  “‘Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.’”

  It felt so good to have a real reason to smile. “But that’s Leia’s line!”

  He cleared his throat and said in a tortured falsetto, “Then I’ll say it in my Leia voice.” Grinning, he eased himself up off of the bed. “Tell you what. I’ll go unpack and let you get settled in. When you’re ready, just let me know, and we’ll head downstairs—unless you change your mind about the tour, that is.”

  “Okay.” I felt the familiar tug on my heart as Ben left the room, even though I knew he was just going next door. Being with Ben was simply a far superior state than being without him. How I’d come to feel that way after just a few weeks, I didn’t know, but it was useless to deny it. I knew I had to get used to being without him, though; we couldn’t spend every minute together for the rest of our lives. I forced myself to unpack slowly and practice being alone.