THE SPELLMANS STRIKE AGAIN

by Lisa Lutz

  Here are some things I know for sure that I thought I’d share with you: If you haven’t said “I love you” to someone today, do it. You won’t always be happy, but you should try to be. Don’t be too afraid of germs. Those people have no fun. Remember to look around sometimes. You might see something you haven’t seen before or at the very least avoid being hit by a flying object. Speaking of flying objects, don’t spend your life looking for extraterrestrial life, unless you work for NASA. Remember that you always have to cooperate with someone. Life is an endless negotiation. Play fair. Stay out of jail. Don’t live in the past. Eat breakfast. It really is the most important meal of the day. Try to make new friends, even when you think you’re too old to do that. And remember me as that handsome, funny man who liked to have a good time. Do me a favor: Take care of Ruthy for me. Whatever she asks you to do, do it. I’m watching you.

  And finally, remember this: “Yes” is always a better word than “no.” Unless, of course, someone has just asked you to commit a felony.

  When I stepped outside, a thick layer of fog had rolled in that sent a chill through me. Henry gave me his coat and we moved on to the next phase of Morty’s memorial, which naturally involved consuming large amounts of deli food.

  Because Morty wrote his own eulogy, I never had the chance to write my own. My eulogy would have been brief. I would have mentioned all the good work he had done in his lifetime, including keeping me out of jail. I would have thanked him for all the lunches, even the ones I didn’t enjoy. And I would have told him that I learned many things from knowing him. For instance, you should keep dental floss on you at all times; when your eyesight goes, quit driving; don’t keep too many secrets, eventually they’ll eat away at you. But the most valuable lesson he taught me was this: Every day we get older, and some of us get wiser, but there’s no end to our evolution. We are all a mess of contradictions; some of our traits work for us, some against us.

  And this is what I figured out on my own: Over the course of a lifetime, people change, but not as much as you’d think. Nobody really grows up. At least that’s my theory; you can have your own.

  APPENDIX

  Dossiers

  Albert Spellman

  Age: 65

  Occupation: Private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Six foot three; large (used to be larger, but doctor put him on a diet); oafish; mismatched features; thinning brown/gray hair; gives off the general air of a slob, but the kind that showers regularly.

  History: Onetime SFPD forced into early retirement by a back injury. Went to work for another retired-cop-turned-private-investigator, Jimmy O’Malley. Met his future wife, Olivia Montgomery, while on the job. Bought the PI business from O’Malley and has kept it in the family for the last thirty-five years.

  Bad Habits: Has lengthy conversations with the television; lunch.

  Olivia Spellman

  Age: 57

  Occupation: Private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Extremely petite; appears young for her age; quite attractive; shoulder-length auburn hair (from a bottle); well groomed.

  History: Met her husband while performing an amateur surveillance on her future brother-in-law (who ended up not being her future brother-in-law). Started Spellman Investigations with her husband. Excels in pretext calls and other friendly forms of deceit.

  Bad Habits: Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other people’s conversations.

  Rae Spellman

  Age: 17̳

  Occupation: Senior in high school/assistant private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Petite like her mother; appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy blond hair; freckles; tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

  History: Blackmail; coercion; junk-food obsession; bribery.

  Bad Habits: Too many to list.

  David Spellman

  Age: 35

  Occupation: Lawyer

  Physical characteristics: Tall, dark, and handsome.

  History: Honor student; class valedictorian; Berkeley undergrad; Stanford law. You know the sort.

  Bad Habits: Makes his bed every morning; excessively fashionable; wears pricey cologne; drinks moderately; reads a lot; keeps up on current events; exercises.

  Henry Stone

  Age: 45

  Occupation: San Francisco police inspector

  History: Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing persons case three years ago. Before that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying woman, and did a lot of tidying up.

  Bad Habits: Doesn’t eat candy; keeps a clean home.

  Mort Schilling

  Age: 85

  Occupation: Semiretired defense attorney

  Physical characteristics: Short with scrawny legs and small gut; enormous Coke-bottle glasses; not much hair.

  History: Worked as a defense attorney for forty years. Married to Ruth for almost sixty years.

  Bad Habits: Sucks his teeth; talks too loud; stubborn.

  Maggie Mason

  Age: 36

  Occupation: Defense attorney

  Physical characteristics: Tall; slender; long, unkempt brown hair.

  History: Dated Henry Stone; they broke up. Rae introduced her to David, and they began dating.

  Bad Habits: Keeping baked goods in pockets; saying “you people”; camping.

  Connor O’Sullivan (Ex-boyfriend #12)

  Age: 39

  Occupation: Barkeep

  Physical characteristics: Tall; dark haired; blue eyed; a little too handsome for his own good.

  History: Took over the Philosopher’s Club from previous owner Milo.

  Bernie Peterson

  Age: Old

  Occupation: Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, annoying sublet tenants.

  Physical characteristics: A giant mass of human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

  History: Was a cop in San Francisco; retired; married an ex-showgirl; moved to Las Vegas; moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him; reconciled; moved back to Las Vegas. Repeat.

  Bad Habits: Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has it.

  And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me:

  Isabel Spellman

  Age: 32

  Occupation: Private investigator/one-time bartender

  Physical characteristics: Tall; not skinny, not fat; long brown hair; nose; lips; eyes; ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. I look okay, let’s leave it at that.

  History: Recovering delinquent; been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.

  Bad Habits: None.

  Answers to Demetrius Quiz

  1) A and D

  2) True and False

  3) C

  4) D?

  5) C

  6) A

  7) C

  8) C!

  9) D

  10) C

  Answers to Bridal Shower Quiz

  1) Penthouse

  2) Three times. However, he uses an at‑home whitening kit at least once a month.

  3) Little toe

  4) I don’t know. I’m still trying to find out.

  5) Slayer

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I’ve set a precedent for lengthy acknowledgments, but this time I’m going to cut back. Most of these people have been thanked at length in the previous documents. Please note: I am not in any way feeling less grateful this time around, I simply want you to get through this page without requiring a nap or a lunch break.

  First and foremost, I must thank my brilliant editor, Marysue Rucci, and my amazing agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. You both are not just colleagues, but friends. I am very lucky.

  Many other wonderful people at S&S must be acknowledged: Carolyn Reidy, David Rosenthal (aka Dr. Ira), Victoria Meyer, Deb Darrock, Aileen Boyle, Sophie Epstein, Michael Selleck, Leah Wasielewsk
i, Jonathan Evans, and Nicole De Jackmo; and my new publicity team, Julia Prosser and Danielle Lynn. You all have been very good to me and I am extremely grateful.

  At Levine Greenberg Literary Agency: Jim Levine, Dan Greenberg, Monika Verma, Melissa Rowland, Elizabeth Fisher, Miek Coccia, Sasha Raskin, Lindsay Edgecomb. You are all far too wonderful.

  My mother, Sharlene Lauretz: thank you for everything.

  My family: Bev Fienberg, Mark Fienberg (reluctantly, I’m still holding a grudge), Dan Fienberg, Jay Fienberg, Anastasia Fuller, Uncle Jeff, and Aunt Eve. If I haven’t mentioned you, that doesn’t mean we’re not related or that I don’t appreciate you.

  My friends, who help me survive everything: Morgan Dox, Steve Kim, Julie Ulmer, Peter Kim, Carol Young, Frank Marquardt, Stephanie Dennis, and Charlie R. Merci. This list could be endless, so I’m merely mentioning the people that I’ve harassed the most in the past year.

  Other people: Once again, I must thank the booksellers who shove my book into unsuspecting customers’ hands, as if not reading it might cause a severe rash to break out. As promised, thank you, Scott Butki for your endless support. Also, thank you to the wonderful media escorts who help me survive the tour and remind me where I am and where I’m supposed to go.

  Last but not least in any way: Dave Hayward, my friend/subordinate: I’m pleased to announce you have been named employee of the year. A fruit basket will be forthcoming.

  1 Miami, specifically.

  2 Ex-boyfriend #12, Connor O’Sullivan, bartender by day, bartender by night.

  3 Eighty-five years old, to be exact.

  1 The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans—all available in paperback!

  2 The parental unit claims to have plans for their retirement, but so far none sound even remotely plausible.

  3 Her words, not his.

  4 Finger quotes.

  5 Excellent for two reasons: 1) Business is a bit slow and so there’s not that much work for Rae anyway; 2) Mom wouldn’t mind another person with a graduate degree in the family.

  6 An evil PI who needs taking down.

  1 Yes, we think of everything.

  2 Like you’re supposed to!

  3 Don’t ask. I didn’t.

  4 My regular bar for years. Now with the added perk that I’m dating the barkeep, so my drinks are almost always free. Except when he’s mad at me, which is fairly often. Let me recalculate: My drinks are free about 60 percent of the time.

  1 Thirty-year-old Glenlivet. If you’re not paying for it, go for the best, is my motto.

  1 I’m speaking of people from the U.S. I’m not commenting on the Canadians. I wouldn’t dare lump us into the same category.

  1 The unfortunate name of Morty’s retirement community.

  1 See previous documents for examples.

  2 Come to think of it, I never did send a thank-you card for Fake Drug Deal #1.

  1 A lie, I know. But I wasn’t in the mood to tell Connor about Prom Night 1994.

  1 None of your business!

  2 Finger quotes are hard to do while driving, but I felt they were necessary.

  1 Heads of insurance companies, please don’t assume I’m implying anything about you as a group.

  1 Namely adultery, when he was married to Petra.

  2 Actually, I didn’t. But I thought it best not to ask.

  1 Yes. That’s what they call it. It’s just like any other kind of room where you can sit and stuff.

  2 Let us not forget that this is an undercover operation and the employment hierarchy should reflect that.

  3 E-mails. Mr. Winslow had an account, but typically a member of his staff would access his e-mail and print the correspondences.

  4 Sorry, it’s really just easier to type “Len.”

  1 No, not the real reason; but if I didn’t tell Connor about Prom Night 1994, I’m certainly not going to tell Gerard.

  1 Crack cocaine is sold in different sizes of “rocks.”

  2 “No speaking today!”

  3 All on his business card.

  4 I suppose one should not label someone a nemesis before proper introductions are made, but turns out I was right.

  5 In the event of my untimely death, I’m happy to donate any or all of my organs, but you might want to take a pass on my liver.

  6 A figure of speech, of course. “Burn” sounds much more permanent than “delete.”

  1 Morty’s grandson. Current boyfriend to my childhood best friend and brother’s ex-wife, Petra Clark.

  1 For the record: I love you all. You have no idea how much you mean to me.

  1 One must assume that David kicked Maggie under the table.

  1 And you’d definitely need transcripts. Larry’s slurred speech was almost beyond recognition. Fortunately, I’m fluent in slur.

  2 Have to make sure that employment status is affirmed or the date can be tossed out of the official list.

  3 I had to try to come up with a plausible explanation for the slurred words and snoring and the utterly desperate tone in Larry’s voice. Otherwise my mother would accuse me of hiring winos to play my lawyers.

  4 One of the five required date questions. If you’re paying attention, you’ll catch them all.

  5 It looked like Larry was going to cry again, so I figured I’d cut my losses.

  1 Everyone likes a good Christopher Walken impression, since it’s typically the closest you get to the real thing, but Len’s overuse could be positively maddening.

  1 Morty’s ears are positively enormous.

  1 Just a regular landscaper. Nothing suspicious about that.

  1 True. But these sessions are personal, so I’m going to keep them that way.

  1 An asterisk marks where a dating rule from the magazine has been broken.

  2 I know, I was breaking character, but I needed more liquid courage. I found my own performance deeply disturbing.

  1 Indeed, it is.

  1 Bernie Peterson, ex-cop. Old guy I sublet from. If you want to know more about Bernie, read previous documents.

  2 Bernie’s ex-showgirl sweetheart. They live in Vegas, in case you were wondering.

  3 I’m not saying another word.

  1 I used finger quotes, yes.

  2 The pistachio thug turned out to be none other than Jeremy Pratt. I left him in the hallway too long and he got bored, as boys like him tend to. I remember smelling pistachios on his breath. When he emptied his pockets of paperwork, no shells flew out. They had to go somewhere. It took my mom this long to notice the empty shells since Rae liked to replenish the bowl whenever it dipped just an inch.

  3 Mom’s slightly unstable older sister.

  4 See, an utterly appropriate response.

  1 We found it amusing too.

  1 I learned to ask questions like this in therapy.

  1 Don’t worry. Robbie threatens this every time we get into a fight. He never follows through.

  2 Even I have to admit, it’s genius. Better than Get Smart and Doctor Who.

  3 And if I’m calling it amateurish, you know it’s bad.

  1 Don’t ask.

  1 It’s a beautiful city, with wonderful residents, but the per capita crazy has got to be the highest in the country.

  1 I checked the pantry on my first inspection. No popcorn in sight. And that smell lingers. There was no smell. What do they take me for?

  2 To be explained shortly.

  1 Petra is a hairstylist. In the past she’s kept my locks within the borders of presentable.

  1 Miniature golf.

  2 Not a complete untruth, minus the killer part. I’ve played tennis before, is my point.

  3 If there was one thing I was going to miss from these dates, it was the good food and drink. Although I’d have preferred to consume it in casual attire.

  4 Yep, I called him garçon.

  5 He was paying.

  1 For details, see previous document-Revenge of the Spellmans-now available in paperback!

  2 Always get a la
st name.

  1 Which sort of implies that there are more than seven.

  1 Right about then I could have used a shot of bourbon.

  1 And I’m not saying Irishmen make more messes than any other kind of man.

  2 It had been stipulated that the David bar closed after one beverage.

  1 Pronounced fuh, not foe.

  1 Seventeen.

  1 See previous document-Revenge of the Spellmans-now available in paperback!

  2 The unit actually agreed to three viewings in a row, but that wasn’t enough for me.

  3 Honestly, I was really surprised Mom didn’t go for that one.

  1 There are two camps of instructors at Rae’s high school: pro-Rae and anti-Rae. The anti-Rae camp is fairly proactive.

  1 Theft of property under $500, typically.

  2 A spot of blood can be found anywhere, any time. Blood is all over the place. Or so I’ve heard.

  3 Notice how I refrained from telling him just to call it “dope,” not “the dope.” I have more restraint than I am generally credited with.

  4 A pastime I have enjoyed myself on occasion.

  5 It’s kind of sweet, if you think about it.

  1 Yeah, I read it. Well, I read the CliffsNotes.

  1 Yes, someone else did the math for me. Okay?

  1 A petition to the court to question whether the person is lawfully imprisoned.

  1 I’m sorry. I had to quote Brando at least once on these dates.

  1 Turns out, it was kind of interesting. Mr. Blank tried to get Petra’s and my attention by pointing out that the document was written in a bar on 100 percent hemp paper. Unfortunately, the mentioning of hemp paper just got us paranoid.

  2 I returned home about eight hours late after a school excursion.

  3 That was back in the divine days before the digital camera. All you needed was the photo and the negative and it was like erasing history.

  1 I guess I forgot to mention that Connor had called at least a dozen times since the opening of my photography/egg exhibit.

  2 I’m speaking of the Benson from Soap, the brilliant sitcom from the seventies. (I am also in favor of the spinoff Benson but not offering as strong a recommendation.)

  1 For answers, see appendix.