But he never came.
In the end, she was too exhausted to stay awake, and she fell asleep still alone in the bedroom, still waiting for him to join her.
That night she dreamt about her stepfather. Twisted dreams of him hunting her through the deformed rooms of Harveyfield, reaching for her with his bony hands. His ghastly laughter echoed as she desperately stumbled from room to room, not finding salvation anywhere, and in the end he caught her in her childhood bedroom.
Along the walls, all the suitors from her past stood looking at her as if they thought she deserved what happened to her. When Lord Nester pushed her down on the bed, she screamed and screamed to get someone to save her, but all the men remained at the walls, looking at her with gleaming eyes…
“Charmaine, please wake up.”
The soft voice cut through the horrendous nightmare like a guiding star, and she let it lead her away from her stepfather, away from Harveyfield and all the suitors. When she opened her eyes, Sin’s worried face hovered above her. A shiver of fright ran through her body as she noticed how close his body was.
“Good evening,” he breathed when he saw she was awake, and she could feel his anxiety.
“Good evening.”
“You were dreaming.”
She almost snorted but managed to stop herself from doing something to destroy the moment, because for once he was looking at her without contempt.
Without disappointment.
“Yes.”
“You screamed. I thought someone was…” His voice trailed off, but she could see him wince over what he had thought happened to her.
“Thank you for waking me up.”
“Don’t mention it.” He leaned back again, offering her some space, which made her feel much better. She didn’t like being caught in small spaces and especially not by a man, even though it was Sin, who had nothing to do with her dream or her life before their marriage.
“Do you often dream like that?”
She pulled the bedspread closer, until it covered her whole body from his eyes. “No.”
He chuckled softly as he lay down beside her, careful to not touch her in any way. “You look like a little girl, with your braids, and the bedspread all the way to your chin.”
When she didn’t answer he rolled over to his back, stretching out beside her without taking his serious, unreadable gaze from her. “You screamed about your father.”
She couldn’t stop a shiver. “I did?”
“If hadn’t known better, I would have thought you were afraid of him.”
She forced herself to giggle. “How strange.”
“My sentiment exactly.”
“What girl would ever be afraid of her father?”
He didn’t react to her pathetic attempt to joke. Instead, he gazed at her, a gaze that made her feel more insecure than ever. What more had she said in her dream?
“Penelope is.”
“Y-yes…”
He turned to his side again, and she sank back further into the pillow, trying to get as far away from him as she could without him noticing it. But he did. She could tell by the frown growing on his forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, and she frowned back at him.
“For what?”
“For accusing you of having lovers.”
His apology surprised her, and she wanted desperately to ask him why he had changed his mind. But she dared not, as she was too afraid it would only make him ask her more about her dream and about her stepfather, and she wasn’t fit for that now.
“I was too caught up in my own anger to consider how overprotective your parents always have been toward you. Now, when I think about it, I can’t remember ever seeing them leave you alone, and definitely not with a man.”
His levelheaded insight brought new tears to her eyes. This was the Sin she had known before. The steady, calm man who didn’t lash out verbally, trying to hurt her as much as he could.
“Are you crying?”
“No,” she sniffed.
“Yes, you are.”
He shifted position, slipping his hands in under the bedspread to grab her waist and haul her closer to him. Gently he forced her to rest her cheek against his broad chest as he put his arms around her, hugging her closer to him.
At first she lay stiff as a board, not able to feel at ease in his embrace. But as the minutes passed and he did nothing but softly caress her back, she started to relax. His warm body against hers was soothing, and, drowsy, she slowly fell asleep again.
She dreamt of babies.
Chapter Seven
Something changed between them that first night in Gretna Green. Saving her from her nightmare seemed to soothe Sin’s anger, making it possible for him to be around her without yelling like a madman.
He still held her at arm’s length mentally and behaved more like an old uncle than a loving husband, but she didn’t mind. To her it was the perfect solution.
Finally she could breathe.
After the first week in Gretna Green, she started to act less like an ice queen and more as her true self, carefully letting him see pieces of what no one else had before—the real Charmaine. He never mentioned it, but she could sense him appreciating her more every day.
He liked her. He truly liked her.
Not the Incomparable Queen. Her.
They joined the social life in Gretna Green, and she loved to arrive on Sin’s arm as Lady Chilton. He escaped to the game room as soon as he could, but she didn’t mind. She knew he was there and would come to her if she needed him.
She introduced her sister to as many unmarried men as she could find, in case Rake didn’t show up. They had even found a new friend in a kind local girl, Miss Lydia Woodley, who generously introduced them to everyone she knew, bringing them with her to every party and assembly she was invited to.
It was a strange feeling, being able to act as a chaperone when only a short while ago she hadn’t been able to go anywhere without one herself. But she thrived in her new freedom, making sure both Penelope and Lydia did too.
Sin rarely joined them during their outings, as he spent most of his time writing letters to the supervisor at Chester Park, unable to let go of his responsibilities toward the estate.
Not until their third week in Gretna Green did a problem present itself to them, causing uproar in their temporary matrimonial heaven.
“Don’t you ever grow tired of it?”
Looking up from her needlework, Charmaine smiled inquiringly at her sister. “Of what?”
Slumped in an unladylike fashion in her chair, Penelope waved her hand toward the surroundings. “This.”
“The inn, you mean?”
“No. Or, yes…” Penelope sat up, frustrated. “This life we lead here. Nothing ever happens. Day in and day out we do the same things, talk to the same people, and discuss the same subjects. It’s like we have entered a wheel of eternity we can’t escape, and it is driving me crazy.”
Charmaine laughed sympathetically. “I have to agree with you that life in a small town like this doesn’t challenge your brain much, but to me it’s peaceful and what I needed. What we needed.”
Penelope plucked a sandwich from the plate and started to dissect it. “Lord, I’m so bored. Soon I will do anything just to get a reaction from the locals. I’ve never seen such a bunch of slow-minded people in my life. Thank God for Lydia!”
“Indeed,” Charmaine agreed. “Lydia is the best thing here. I have to admit I thought less of her at first, but she has proven to be a truly good friend and an entertaining companion.”
“You hated her guts.”
“I did not!”
Penelope snorted loudly enough to catch the haughty attention of the people sitting near them, and the two sisters tried to keep from giggling too loudly.
“We must seem so strange to them,” Charmaine said, when their neighbors at the next table started to whisper while casting eyes toward their table, apparently talking about them.
“
I know exactly what they say,” Penelope said with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Look at that amazingly beautiful woman who sits there with her not-as-pretty sister. Isn’t she married to that boring man who keeps avoiding them as much as he can?”
“Sin’s not avoiding us.” Charmaine sighed impatiently. “And you are quite as beautiful as I am.”
“Uh-hum.” Penelope nodded knowingly. “So how are things between you and Sin? You seem to get along quite nicely nowadays, compared to before Gretna Green.”
“We do, don’t we?” Charmaine couldn’t hold back a satisfied smile. “I can hardly believe how good life has become now, when we have gotten past our earlier differences. It’s like a marriage made in heaven.”
“I have to agree, since you both look very pleased with yourselves.”
“You make us sound too good to be true.” Charmaine frowned, and Penelope shrugged indifferently.
“You behave more like two siblings than a married couple passionately in love. You are the image of happiness to everyone looking at you, and yet there is something missing. There’s something that’s simply not there.”
Penelope slumped back in her chair again, obviously pondering what was wrong with her sister’s marriage, and Charmaine groaned inwardly. This wasn’t a subject she wanted to discuss with her sister. Especially not her unmarried sister.
“What do you feel when he kisses you?”
“I beg your pardon…”
“Oh, don’t you beg-your-pardon me. I know you, remember? You always say that when you don’t want to answer a question.”
Charmaine sighed deeply. “Penelope...”
“So do you?”
“Do we what?”
“Kiss.”
“Of course we kiss.” Charmaine rolled her eyes to show her sister just how ludicrous she found her.
“Pecks on the forehead don’t count.”
Oh. “I can be happy without kissing.”
“Can you?”
Charmaine could see her sister didn’t believe her, and she couldn’t blame her. She hardly believed herself. Ever since that first night in Gretna Green, when he had held her so gently, comforting her, Sin hadn’t touched her.
Not once, although they now shared the bed, sleeping side by side. He just lay down with his back toward her, breathing a polite and very bland, “Good night,” before promptly falling asleep, leaving her feeling miserable and unwanted.
She wanted more. She wanted hot kisses and trembling hands desperate to touch her. She wanted to feel his need of her, and her alone. As it was now, she couldn’t help but think he wouldn’t even notice if someone else were in her place.
“I hope so,” she admitted to her sister. “I do hope so, because I don’t know how to make him want to kiss me.”
“But you share the same bed…”
Charmaine just shook her head in despair. “As if that helps. He just turns his back to me, ignoring me. I have come to the conclusion he doesn’t want me in that way, and I guess I’ll have to learn to live with it.”
“What about the kiss in the courtyard at Pendragon? We all saw it, and I’ll tell you, he wanted you desperately.”
“I know.” Charmaine sighed longingly. “But unfortunately that was merely his anger speaking. Now, when we are at ease with each other, he has lost all his tempers and is quite levelheaded again.”
“Boring, you mean.” Penelope snorted, and Charmaine couldn’t do much more than agree.
Sin was boring.
She almost wanted him to be angry with her again so he would get more interesting. His favorite subjects of conversation, or more usually of his longwinded monologues, seemed to be lectures about agriculture, such as the best way to grow various plants. She couldn’t remember a word he’d said; she was always too busy with keeping herself from yawning.
Penelope continued with her dissection of the sandwich, and Charmaine bit back a smile. Her sister was an innocent child sometimes, letting her emotions rule her mind. Charmaine, on the other hand, had always been forced to put a lid on her emotions and had learnt to think before acting.
She felt a bit envious of her sister’s ability to react honestly to everything that happened to her. She knew she almost never did. Under their stepfather’s roof she had repressed her feelings over and over again, to avoid catching his unwanted attention, and in so doing she had learnt to hide her true self.
As a married woman she did the same thing, pushing her real needs and wants aside to be what Sin needed her to be—serene and seemingly happy.
“I can’t believe it.” Penelope interrupted her thoughts, staring at the door with a strange mix of angst and expectation, and when Charmaine turned to follow her sister’s gaze, she froze.
There, just inside the door and still covered with snow, stood Lord Dane, looking as perfectly handsome as ever. Watching him drag his fingers through his long blond hair, emotions she thought long gone started to rise from their hiding place, and she lost her ability to breathe for a short moment.
As if he felt her watching him, he stiffened before slowly letting his gaze roam the large room until he met her eyes. A fire started to burn in his blue depths, a fire she remembered too well.
Lord Dane still wanted her.
And to her despair she felt her treacherous heart skip a beat. Oh, how she had loved him! He had been a fresh wind in her life, with his warm smile and irresistible laughter. He had brought joy into her dull life, and for a short time she had felt alive.
But then her stepfather had destroyed it all by telling Lord Dane she didn’t want to marry him, brutally sending him away. It hadn’t surprised her much that he had married someone else immediately. He was the most free-spirited and spontaneous person she knew.
“Don’t you do anything stupid now,” Penelope breathed beside her, and Charmaine tore her eyes from her old beau.
“Whatever do you mean? What is it you think I might do? Elope with him? We are both married to other people now, and I certainly will not fool around with him and destroy what Sin and I have succeeded in building.”
“But the way you look at him…”
Charmaine blushed. “I can’t help it if I still have feelings for him. He used to mean a lot to me, Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t turn my emotions off so easily.”
“What do you think Sin will say?”
Charmaine made a little grimace. “I don’t think he will be too pleased. He made some rather crude remarks about Lord Dane earlier. But then again, why would he care? Lord Dane is just an old friend, and why should not I be able to have old friends?”
“I think there is a difference between old friends and an old suitor, in the eyes of a husband.”
“Sin won’t care.”
Penelope didn’t reply, but the pointed look she gave her sister told Charmaine she didn’t agree with her at all.
“He won’t!”
“Of course he will. He’s your husband.”
“Just because he is my husband doesn’t mean he will mind me spending some time with Lord Dane, catching up on old times.”
“I still think you should send for Sin.”
Charmaine sighed, defeated, and was just about to beckon a serving wench to come to their table when a smooth, vibrant voice filled her ears.
“Hello, Charming.”
She tangled her fingers tightly together in an effort to hide her inward shiver. Her smile, looking up at him, was small and utterly polite.
“Lord Dane.”
Without being asked, he sat down beside her. He nodded politely to Penelope before grabbing Charmaine’s tangled hands in his, squeezing them tightly.
“Seeing you like this makes me realize how much I’ve missed you. What has it been, a year?”
She nodded, not able to speak as she gazed into his blue eyes. Usually they sparkled with mirth, but not this time. The laughter was gone, and instead he looked at her sadly, and tears filled her eyes.
She had missed him too.
&nb
sp; He had filled her heart with joy and her life with laughter and for a short time made her believe in a happy future. But then her stepfather’s intervention had brought her back to earth and to her private hell again.
For one season her life had been perfect.
For one season she had been happy.
“You look as beautiful as ever,” he mumbled as he lifted her hands to put chaste kisses on her knuckles. “I could sit here all night admiring your magnificent loveliness. It’s a wonder you can leave your bedroom. If I were you I would stay put and spend both day and night staring at my own reflection.”
“You are such a tease, Lord Dane.” Charmaine laughed. “You flatter me with your fancy words. And yet here I stand, untouched by every last one of them.”
His eyes twinkled in a very familiar way as he wiggled his eyebrows at her. “What? Are my ears hearing what I think they hear? Are you, Lady Charmaine de Vere, the Incomparable Queen of the ton, telling me you don’t give a bloody damn about my lavish compliments?”
“I don’t mind the compliments. It’s the false flattery I’m having trouble swallowing.”
“False flattery? My lady, you hurt my tender feelings.” Lord Dane’s amused grin was contagious, and Charmaine couldn’t stop herself from smiling back.
“Tender feelings? My, oh, my. Much can indeed happen in a mere year.”
“Much can, indeed.” The laughter disappeared from his eyes again, and it was obvious he thought of what had happened since the two of them met the last time.
“How are you?” Charmaine asked sincerely, and he shrugged lightly.
“I’m fine. Really I am. I’ve been hiding in the countryside for a year and missed the last season, unfortunately. Did you attend?”
“Yes.”
He gave her a disappointed look. “I wanted to go, but things happened… I had to stay in Yorkshire for a while. I got married, you know.”
“I know.”
She forced herself to look serene and not show him how much it still hurt that he had married someone else, and he looked even more disappointed, as if he had wanted a different reaction than the one she gave him.
“She died two weeks ago.”
“I’m so sorry.” She blushed, and he leaned closer to her with an eager look on his face.
The Beauty of You Page 8