Lament

by Мэгги Стифватер

  Even the judges in the front seats were on their feet. I bit my lip, color flushing into my glowing face, and exchanged a look with Luke.

  We let ourselves be directed offstage for the next performers and Luke seized my hand, his face shining as if from within. “Good girl!” He released my hand. “Good girl! I have to go—but I’ll be back for the reception tonight.”

  “You have to what?” I repeated, but he had already disappeared into the throng of people backstage. I felt strangely lost.

  TWO

  Don’t wear something trashy,” Mom advised, shutting my bedroom door behind her.

  Thanks for the hot tip, I thought, staring at the pile of clothing she’d put on my bed. I didn’t know what I was going to wear to the reception, but I already knew it wasn’t going to be any of the items she’d taken out of my closet.

  I was still holding her last suggestion, a dress that made me look like a runaway from a nursing home. I chucked it on top of the pile of other too-formal dresses and pantsuits, and looked out my bedroom window. Patchy white clouds slid across the afternoon sky, taking the edge off the heat and obscuring the faint sliver of the moon—if it was even still out there.

  Instead of getting dressed, I stuck a CD into my player, shoved the mound of clothing over to the other side of the bed, and crashed on top of the covers. The wild set of reels on the CD whirled through my brain, bringing back the vivid memory of playing on the stage earlier today.

  Holy crap. Luke Dillon was real. I couldn’t really wrap my brain around it. People didn’t just walk out of dreams.

  For a few minutes, I allowed myself the luxury of lying on the bed and remembering Luke. The careful way he spoke, delivering each word as if it were something precious. The breathy voice of his flute, whispering secrets and longing. His super-pale eyes, like glass. I could imagine him holding my hand and making me one of his secrets. I kind of felt guilty for lying around, letting myself crush on him when I should’ve been getting ready, but I hadn’t ever had a crush on a boy before.

  Well, that was a lie. Back in seventh grade, I’d been in a class with Rob Martin, a slight, darkhaired guy with a face like a brooding dark angel. Or at least, that’s how I imagined it. With my superpower of invisibility, I watched him everyday at school without ever working up the courage to speak to him. I knew he was a saint of some variety, because he spoke out loudly against animal cruelty and picked all of the meat out of the cafeteria’s offerings. He once berated our teacher in front of the entire class for wearing a leather jacket. He used words like “anathema” and “pogrom.”

  He was my hero.

  Then, a few days before summer vacation when I was shadowing Rob during recess, invisible, I watched him take out a lunch box and eat a ham sandwich.

  I hadn’t had a crush on anyone since then.

  On the CD, the reels ended and the next track started, a sweet, sad ballad and one of my favorites—“If I Was a Blackbird.” As I hummed along, a sudden, familiar phrase stuck out like a sore thumb. Oh. So much for magical improvisation. My counter-melody wasn’t exactly like the one the band was playing now, but it was close. I listened hard as they repeated the verse. Okay, not that part. But there—wait— those few notes? And maybe those? Oh yeah. It was painfully obvious to me where my inspiration had come from.

  I sighed heavily, but some part of me was a little relieved. If there was a plausible explanation for my sudden ability to improvise, then there was probably one for Luke, too. Because the fact of it was, people didn’t just walk out of dreams. I was recognizing him from somewhere—heck, the way he’d played the flute, maybe he even had a band that I’d heard before. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was cute, played music, and was interested in me.

  Did anything else matter?

  Well, he did just show up in the bathroom-“Deirdre!” Mom shouted. “Have you picked something?”

  I stood up and looked at the CD player for a long moment before shutting it off. “Yeah!” I shouted back. “I’ve just decided.”

  By the time we got to the reception, I was pleased that I hadn’t given in to any of Mom’s suggestions. Nobody was wearing jeans, but nobody was wearing anything worthy of the littleblack-dress numbers she’d put in my hands. My light blue sundress and strappy white sandals fit the dress code perfectly, and the halter top on my dress showed off my neck and shoulders in case Luke really did come back for the reception.

  “I hate when they hold these things outside,” Delia said loudly as she stepped off the sidewalk and her pointy heels sank two inches into the turf. “Thank God they at least have chamber music.

  I was afraid they’d have something awful, like that bagpiping earlier.”

  I disagreed entirely. Nothing was worse than being shut in a room that smelled like carpet cleaner with one hundred strangers. Instead, I saw students, parents, teachers, and judges roaming between large white tents set up for food and the quartet that provided the music. The food smelled great and reminded me of Saturday nights at home. And the hot summer air had given way to a cool breeze as the sun slipped down toward the treeline.

  “What is that smell?” Delia demanded. She was just being nasty, of course. She knew darn well that Mom’s catering company was here tonight. Dad always called Delia “my least favorite sister-in-law.” He was being funny, of course, since Delia was Mom’s only sister. But I agreed.

  Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

  “Dee, you survived!” James sauntered up and paused half a step when he saw Delia. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were busy.”

  Delia surveyed his kilt, his unkempt hair, and his hands scrawled with various messages to himself.

  “You’re the piper, aren’t you?” she asked coldly.

  James smiled firmly. He had already identified her as a piper-hater. “Yes, but I do it against my will. The aliens won’t let me stop.”

  Delia’s smile was iron. Not amused.

  I said, “This is James, Delia. He’s the number two piper in the state of Virginia this year.”

  “Soon to be number one,” James said with a charming smile. “I hired a hit man.”

  Delia’s face remained exactly the same.

  James exchanged a look with me. “Well, it was nice to meet you. I’d better find out if the food’s lonely.”

  I gave a little wave as he retreated, mouthing later, and Delia frowned deeply. “What strange people always come to these events. We’d better find your parents.”

  “I’ll catch up to you.” I edged away from her. “I think I see some of my friends.” I wasn’t a very good liar, but Delia wasn’t a very good listener, so we parted amicably, her toward the tents and me definitely away from them. I glanced quickly toward the food tent crowds but didn’t see any sign of Luke, so I headed around the side of the chamber group’s tent.

  Here, the sun came slantwise through the trees across the road and made long gold stripes of light across the grass. I walked along one of the gold stripes, watching my incredibly tall shadow walking before me. I hadn’t gotten far along the stripes when I smelled herbs.

  The scent was so strong and came on so quickly that I checked the ground under my sandals to see if I had crushed something. There was nothing but clover beneath my feet. But the leaves caught my eye, and I crouched. Sure enough, there was a bunch of four-leaf clovers, a few among many three-leaf. I picked one and straightened up, looking at it. For luck.

  “I heard you play.”

  I blinked and focused beyond the clover. Unnoticed by me, a young man with ginger hair had approached. His face was a riot of freckles, but he was still amazingly handsome—like a magazine ad. He had the beautiful, cared-for look of kids with trust funds.

  I wasn’t sure how to reply, so I just said, “You did?”

  He ducked around me in a circle, as if studying me. “Yes.” He circled again; I spun to keep my eyes on him. “Very impressive. Quite better than I expected.” />
  Better than he expected for what?. For a girl? For a student? For a harpist? For me?

  “Thanks,” I said, voice guarded. He circled again, a smile on his face. I got another whiff of the herbal scent, and I had an idea that it must be him. Something he was wearing.

  “Quite impressive altogether.”

  I asked politely, “Did you play?”

  He grinned. “Do I ever stop?”

  He kept circling, ceaselessly moving, and then his smile changed in some subtle way that made my stomach drop to my feet. “You smell good.”

  A familiar voice made me spin the other direction. “Deirdre.”

  Luke grabbed my hand abruptly, knocking the clover out of it as he did. Relieved to be rescued, I said, “I’m glad you’re here. This guy—” I turned to look at the weirdo, but there was nothing there, only the lingering scent of rosemary or thyme. There were a dozen places he could’ve hidden as soon as my back was turned. It only meant that he really had been up to no good. Why else would he hide? “There was a guy right here.”

  Luke looked behind me. “There’s nobody there.” His eyes narrowed. “Nobody.”

  Goose bumps prickled on my skin. It would’ve been easy to just believe Luke, but the freckled boy was impossible to forget. “There was,” I said unhappily. “Some freak.”

  “I don’t doubt it,” Luke said loudly. “C’mon. Let’s get back to civilization. What were you doing way out here, anyway?”

  I glanced around. All my spinning had taken me surprisingly far from the tents. The chamber music was only a faint music-box sound from here. “I—I was just trying to get away from my annoying aunt.”

  “Well, let’s get closer to her and farther from invisible freaks,” Luke suggested. He turned me with the barest touch on the small of my back and we headed toward the noise. “I like your dress, by the way. Suits you.”

  I secretly preened, then surprised myself by saying, “I know.”

  Luke said, “It’s not polite to gloat,” but he grinned. “So, tell me about your annoying aunt.”

  I sighed as we approached the food tent. “That would be her, over there. Aggravating my mom by the food tent.”

  He stood with me and quietly observed Delia and Mom. I was beginning to like that about him.

  He listened. He watched. “She’s quite awful, isn’t she?”

  “The sort of aunt that’s in storybooks,” I said. “If they put evil aunts in storybooks. She and my mom have never gotten along.”

  Even from here, I could hear Delia’s loud voice as she told someone how Mom had been quite talented in her youth, but had never done anything with it. Bitch, I thought uncharitably.

  “I just thought a very uncharitable thing about a family member,” I admitted.

  Luke leaned in, close enough that I could smell his faintly musky odor—nothing like an herb, nothing like any high-school boy—and whispered, “Did it start with a 5? I thought it, too.”

  I laughed, loud enough that Delia looked up at me. She made motions for me to come over, but I pretended to be looking past her into the food tent. “Hurry. Pretend you’re pointing something out so I can pretend to not see her.”

  Luke put a hand on my shoulder and pointed with the other toward the sky. “Look, the moon.”

  “That was the best you could come up with?” I demanded. But I looked at it anyway—pale, mysterious, hanging in blue instead of black. Once again I felt I could look at it forever, or at least until I could remember why I wanted to look at it. “It’s beautiful, though, isn’t it?”

  I didn’t think he was looking at the moon anymore, but he said, “Very.”

  I kept gazing up. “This will sound stupid, but—it makes me feel funny.” The same way Luke made me feel funny.

  “That’s because it’s from the night. The night keeps secrets.”

  Luke kept secrets as well, didn’t he? Secrets we both pretended he didn’t have. “Very poetic.”

  “I can be very literary when I want to be. I’m a very complex person. Like yourself, I have hidden depths.”

  I looked down. “Awww, you think I have hidden depths? That’s awfully sweet.” His eyes shifted from me to a point just behind me, and I turned to see what he saw.

  A very tall, very blond woman was approaching us with a modelesque stride. She was as fair as an Easter lily, with perfect blue eyes and a perfect snowy neck. My dress suddenly felt shabby.

  “Eleanor,” Luke said, face expressionless.

  “Luke. How wonderful to see you again.” She placed her hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek, running a finger down to his chin. I looked away. “It seems like forever.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, you’re not in a very good mood tonight, are you?” Eleanor said. “I’d have thought you’d be in heaven with all this good music.”

  Luke didn’t reply.

  “Especially you, Deirdre. You played beautifully. We all were amazed by how you played.”

  I looked up at the sound of my name and was blinded by her radiant smile. Still, for all her beauty, it was just another compliment. “Thanks. Luke helped a lot.”

  Eleanor turned her smile to Luke, who still had that strange, expressionless face. “Oh yes, Luke helps out a lot.” She smiled at him. “Luke, dear, you don’t believe in small talk?”

  Luke’s voice was flat. “How’s work.” She laughed. It was annoyingly beautiful. “Going very well.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “How’s the boss?” Eleanor studied her gently sculpted nails. “Oh, more like a coworker these days, I should say.” “That must be thrilling.”

  “The masses appreciate someone like them.” She gestured to herself. “Someone like me.”

  Luke said, “How lucky for both of you.”

  “Oh, I think so, lamb.” She turned to me. “Well, you’re certainly a rising star. I’ll be watching you.”

  Beside me, Luke stiffened.

  “It was very nice to meet you, Deirdre. Have a lovely evening.” She touched Luke’s cheek again.

  “And I’ll see you again, Luke.”

  After she’d gone, I looked at Luke, biting my lip before speaking. “Ex-girlfriend?”

  Luke’s eyes widened and he laughed. “That,” he said, “Would be a terrible thing to wish on a man. No. Remember that storybook that would have Delia in it? Eleanor belongs in it as well.

  Think of her as an evil godmother.”

  I relaxed. I shouldn’t be thinking of Luke that way at all, considering how long I’d known him. But still, the idea of having Eleanor as competition had momentarily floored me.

  “Evil godmother is much better than ex-girlfriend.” What makes you so different, Luke, that I should give a rat’s butt either way?

  Luke glanced over at me. “Oh yeah?”

  I looked away, losing my bravado, and nodded shyly. “Yeah.”

  I became aware that the speakers from the awards tent had been blaring for quite some time.

  “Second place in solo performance to Carmen Macy.” There was polite clapping from behind us.

  We walked silently over to Mom, and stopped when we realized that she was speaking to someone and that Delia had gone quite still.

  “—I heard her play this evening, and I just wanted to say that I am quite blown away by her talent. She and her friend are just the sort of people we’re looking for. Please, please, take my card and do give us a call.”

  I looked at the man who was speaking. His pleasant voice belied his image, which was that of a bare-knuckle fighter. Though he was wearing a button-down shirt, the sleeves couldn’t hide his enormous biceps and muscled chest. He wasn’t like any school representative I’d ever imagined.

  “First prize in ensemble goes to Andrew Manx, Tina Chin—” the speaker blared, but Mom’s voice seemed louder. “Well, thanks. We’ll definitely take a look.”

  Mr. Gigantic Muscles gave me a small nod before looking back to Delia and Mom. “Well, I know you’ve had a long day, so I’ll
let you go get a well-deserved rest. They should be announcing the grand prize very soon, shouldn’t they? Enjoy the reception.”

  Mom exchanged a look with me and then stared at Delia after the man had gone.

  There was more clapping behind us as awards were read. I was surprised to find that I didn’t really care if I won anything. The competition seemed so insignificant—so ordinary—in comparison to the here and now, standing next to Luke and looking at the business card the conservatory representative had left.

  “Thornking-Ash,” Delia read from the card. She sniffed. “Sounds like a funeral home.”

  I sniffed, too, but only because I smelled the same herbal smell as before. Was that freak still here?

  Luke was at my elbow, saying, “I think I’m going to have to leave early. I think I might have to go now.”

  I was about to protest or beg unabashedly for his number when I realized the clapping had gone quiet. The voice crackled on the speaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s six o’clock, and as promised, we’re going to announce the winners of the grand prize. Thank you everyone for competing and sharing your talent with us. The judges would like to congratulate the grand prize winners for this year’s arts festival—Deirdre Monaghan and Luke Dilling.”

  Luke whispered into my ear, close enough that his lips brushed my hair. “Tell me you want to see me again.”

  I smiled.

  THREE

  Hey psycho, what’s up?” I rolled back onto my bed, cradling the phone on my shoulder.

  “Nothing much.” I caught sight of the clock on my bedstand and groaned. “James, it’s not really ten o’clock, is it?” He didn’t have to answer. I could tell from the fierceness of the sun coming through the white curtains that it was late.

  “I hear,” James said, “that introverts have to sleep a lot after stressful encounters with people.”

  I sat up. “That’s true.” It was also true that I’d spent way too much time last night unable to sleep.

  Thinking about winning the whole freakin’ grand prize of the competition.