Lloyd (calling) Don’t fall down, Tim. We may not be insured.
Selsdon So what’s next on the bill?
Lloyd Well, Selsdon, I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal.
Selsdon Oh, I won’t, thank you.
Lloyd You won’t?
Selsdon You all go ahead. I’ll sit and watch you. This is the beer in the wardrobe, is it?
Belinda No, my sweet, he wants us to rehearse.
Selsdon Yes, but I think we’ve got to rehearse, haven’t we?
Lloyd Rehearse, yes! Well done, Selsdon. I knew you’d think of something. Right, from Belinda and Freddie’s entrance …
Enter Poppy from the wings, alarmed.
Poppy Lloyd …
Lloyd What? What’s happened now?
Poppy The police!
Lloyd The police?
Poppy They’ve found an old man. He was lying unconscious in a doorway just across the street.
Lloyd Oh. Yes. Thank you.
Poppy They say he’s very dirty and rather smelly, and I thought oh my God, because …
Lloyd Thank you, Poppy.
Poppy Because when you get close to Selsdon …
Belinda Poppy!
Poppy No, I mean, if you stand anywhere near Selsdon you can’t help noticing this very distinctive… (She stops, sniffing)
Selsdon (putting his arm round her) I’ll tell you something, Poppy. Once you’ve got it in your nostrils you never forget it. Sixty years now and the smell of the theatre still haunts me.
Exit Selsdon into the study.
Belinda Oh, bless him!
Lloyd Tell me, Poppy, love – how did you get a job like this, that requires tact and understanding? You’re not somebody’s girlfriend, are you?
Poppy gives him a startled look.
Belinda Don’t worry, Poppy, my sweet. He truly did not hear.
Enter Selsdon from the study.
Selsdon Not here?
Lloyd Yes, yes, there!
Belinda Sit down, my precious.
Dotty Go back to sleep.
Lloyd You’re not on for another twenty pages yet.
Exit Selsdon into the study. Exit Poppy into the wings.
Lloyd And on we go.
He goes back down into the auditorium.
Dotty in the kitchen, wildly roasting sardines. Freddie and Belinda waiting impatiently outside the front door. Garry and Brooke disappearing tremulously into the bedroom. Time sliding irrevocably into the past.
Exeunt Dotty into the service quarters, Garry and Brooke
upstairs into the bedroom, and Frederick through the front door.
Belinda (to Lloyd , with lowered voice) Aren’t they sweet?
Lloyd What?
Belinda (points to the bedroom and the service quarters) Garry and Dotty.
Lloyd Garry and Dotty?
Belinda Sh!
Lloyd (lowers his voice) What? You mean they’re an item? Those two? Tramplemain and Mrs Clackett?
Belinda It’s supposed to be a secret.
Lloyd But she’s old enough to be …
Belinda Sh! Didn’t you know?
Lloyd I’m just God, Belinda, love. I’m just the one with the English degree, I don’t know anything.
Enter Garry from the bedroom.
Garry What’s happening?
Lloyd I don’t like to imagine, Garry, honey.
Exit Belinda through the front door.
Garry I mean, what are we waiting for?
Enter Dotty from the service quarters, inquiringly.
Lloyd I don’t know what you’re waiting for, Garry. Her sixteenth birthday?
Garry What?
Lloyd Or maybe just the cue. Brooke!
Exit Dotty to the service quarters.
Enter Brooke from the bedroom.
Lloyd ‘Oh, you’re in a real state.’
Vicki Oh, you’re in a real state! You can’t even get the door open.
Lloyd Door closed, love.
Garry closes the door.
Vicki You can’t even get the door open.
Exeunt Roger and Vicki into the bedroom.
Enter Philip through the front door.
Philip No, it’s Mrs Clackett’s afternoon off, remember.
Enter Flavia , carrying a flight bag like Roger’s.
Philip We’ve got the place entirely to ourselves.
Philip closes the door.
Flavia Home!
Philip Home, sweet home!
Flavia Dear old house!
Philip Just waiting for us to come back!
Flavia It’s rather funny, though, creeping in like this for our wedding anniversary!
Philip It’s damned serious! If Inland Revenue find out we’re in the country, even for one night, bang goes our claim to be resident abroad. Bang goes most of this year’s income. I feel like an illegal immigrant.
Flavia I’ll tell you what I feel like.
Philip Champagne? (He takes a bottle out of the box)
Flavia I wonder if Mrs Clackett’s aired the beds.
Philip Darling!
Flavia Well, why not? No children. No friends dropping in. We’re absolutely on our own.
Philip True. (He picks up the bag and box, and ushers Flavia towards the stairs) There is something to be said for being a tax exile.
Flavia Leave those!
He drops the bag and box, and kisses her. She flees upstairs, laughing, and he after her.
Philip Sh!
Flavia What?
Philip (humorously) Inland Revenue may hear us!
They creep to the bedroom door.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the service quarters, carrying a fresh plate of sardines.
Mrs Clackett (to herself) What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.
She puts the sardines on the telephone table and sits on the sofa.
Philip and Flavia (looking down from the gallery) Mrs Clackett!
Mrs Clackett jumps up.
Mrs Clackett Oh, you give me a turn! My heart jumped right out of my boots!
Philip So did mine!
Flavia We thought you’d gone!
Mrs Clackett I thought you was in Spain!
Philip We are! We are!
Flavia You haven’t seen us!
Philip We’re not here!
Mrs Clackett Oh, like that, is it? The income tax are after you?
Flavia They would be, if they knew we were here.
Mrs Clackett All right, then, love. You’re not here. I haven’t seen you. Anybody asks for you, I don’t know nothing. Off to bed, are you?
Philip Oh …
Flavia Well …
Mrs Clackett That’s right. Nowhere like bed when they all get on top of you. You’ll want your things, look. (She indicates the bag and box)
Philip Oh. Yes. Thanks.
He comes downstairs, and picks up the bag and box.
Mrs Clackett (to Flavia) Oh, and that bed hasn’t been aired, love.
Flavia I’ll get a hot-water bottle.
Exit Flavia into the mezzanine bathroom.
Mrs Clackett I’ve put all your letters in the study, dear.
Philip Letters? What letters? You forward all the mail, don’t you?
Mrs Clackett Not the ones from the income tax, dear. I don’t want to spoil your holidays.
Philip Oh, good heavens! Where are they?
Mrs Clackett I’ve put them all in the pigeonhouse.
Philip In the pigeonhouse?
Mrs Clackett In the little pigeonhouse in your desk, love.
Exeunt Mrs Clackett and Philip into the study. Philip is still holding the bag and box.
Only he remains on and Dotty remains in the doorway waiting for him.
Enter Roger from the bedroom, still dressed, tying his tie.
Roger Yes, but I could hear voices!
Enter Vicki from the bedroom in her underwear.
Vicki Voices? What sort of voices?
Lloyd Hold it. Freddie, what
’s the trouble?
Frederick Lloyd, you know how stupid I am about moves. Sorry, Garry … Sorry, Brooke … It’s just my usual dimness. (To Lloyd.) But why do I take the things off into the study? Wouldn’t it be more natural if I left them on?
Lloyd No.
Frederick I thought it might be somehow more logical.
Lloyd No.
Frederick Lloyd, I know it’s a bit late in the day to go into all this…
Lloyd Freddie, we’ve got several more minutes left before we open.
Enter Belinda from the mezzanine bathroom, to wait patiently.
Frederick Thank you, Lloyd. As long as we’re not too pushed. But I’ve never understood why he carries an overnight bag and a box of groceries into the study to look at his mail.
Garry Because they have to be out of the way for my next scene!
Frederick I see that.
Belinda And Freddie, my sweet, Selsdon needs them in the study for his scene.
Frederick I see that …
Lloyd (comes up on stage) Selsdon … where is he? Is he there?
Belinda (calling, urgently) Selsdon!
Dotty (likewise) Selsdon!
Garry (likewise) Selsdon!
A pane of glass shatters in the mullion window, and an arm comes through and releases the catch. Enter an elderly Burglar. He has
great character, but is in need of extensive repair and modernisation.
Burglar No bars, no burglar alarm. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement …
He becomes aware of the others.
Selsdon No?
Lloyd No. Not yet. Thank you, Selsdon.
Selsdon I thought I heard my name.
Lloyd No, no, no. Back to sleep, Selsdon. Another ten pages before the big moment.
Selsdon I’m so sorry.
Lloyd Not at all. Nice to see you. Poppy, put the glass back in the window.
Enter Poppy. She puts the glass back.
Lloyd And, Selsdon …
Selsdon Yes?
Lloyd Beautiful performance.
Selsdon Oh, how kind of you. I don’t think I’m quite there yet, though.
Exit Selsdon through the window.
Lloyd He even remembered the line.
Frederick All right, I see all that.
Lloyd (faintly) Oh, no!
Frederick I just don’t know why I take them.
Lloyd comes up on stage.
Lloyd Freddie, love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot walk out through the front door holding two plates of sardines? (To Garry.) I’m not getting at you, love.
Garry Of course not, love. (To Frederick.) I mean, why do I? (To Lloyd.) I mean, right, when you come to think about it, why do I?
Lloyd Who knows? The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. (To Frederick.) Maybe something happened to you as a very small child which made you frightened to let go of groceries.
Belinda Or it could be genetic.
Garry Yes, or it could be, you know.
Lloyd It could well be.
Frederick Of course. Thank you. I understand all that. But …
Lloyd Freddie, love, I’m telling you – I don’t know. I don’t think the author knows. I don’t know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don’t know why any of us came into it.
Frederick All the same, if you could just give me a reason I could keep in my mind …
Lloyd All right, I’ll give you a reason. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddie, honey, because it’s just slightly after midnight, and we’re not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night. Correction – before we open tonight.
Frederick nods, rebuked, and exits into the study. Dotty silently follows him. Garry and Brooke go silently back into the bedroom.
Lloyd returns to the stalls.
Lloyd And on we go. From after Freddie’s exit, with the groceries.
Belinda (keeping her voice down) Lloyd, sweetheart, his wife left him this morning.
Lloyd Oh. (Pause) Freddie!
Enter Frederick , still wounded, from the study.
Lloyd I think the point is that you’ve had a great fright when she mentions income tax, and you feel very insecure and exposed, and you want something familiar to hold on to.
Frederick (with humble gratitude) Thank you, Lloyd. (He clutches the groceries to his chest) That’s most helpful.
Exit Frederick into the study.
Belinda (to Lloyd) Bless you, my sweet.
Lloyd (leaves the stage) And on we merrily go.
Exit Belinda into the mezzanine bathroom.
Lloyd ‘Yes, but I could hear voices …’
Enter Roger from the bedroom, still dressed, tying his tie.
Roger Yes, but I could hear voices!
Enter Vicki from the bedroom in her underwear.
Vicki Voices? What sort of voices?
Roger People’s voices.
Vicki But there’s no one here.
Roger Darling, I saw the door handle move! It could be someone from the office, checking up.
Vicki I still don’t see why you’ve got to put your tie on to look.
Roger Mrs Crackett.
Vicki Mrs Crackett?
Roger One has to set an example to the staff
Vicki (looks over the bannisters) Oh, look, she’s opened our sardines.
She moves to go downstairs. Roger grabs her.
Roger Come back!
Vicki What?
Roger I’ll fetch them! You can’t go downstairs like that.
Vicki Why not?
Roger Mrs Crackett.
Vicki Mrs Crackett?
Roger One has certain obligations.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study. She is carrying the first plate of sardines.
Mrs Clackett (to herself) Sardines here. Sardines there. It’s like a Sunday school outing.
Roger pushes Vicki through the first available door, which happens to be the linen cupboard.
Mrs Clackett Oh, you’re still poking around, are you?
Roger Yes, still poking … well, still around.
Mrs Clackett In the airing cupboard, were you?
Roger No, no.
The linen cupboard door begins to open. He slams it shut.
Well, just checking the sheets and pillowcases. Going through the inventory.
He starts downstairs.
Mrs Blackett …
Mrs Clackett Clackett, dear, Clackett.
She puts down the sardines beside the other sardines.
Roger Mrs Clackett. Is there anyone else in the house, Mrs Clackett?
Mrs Clackett I haven’t seen no one, dear.
Roger I thought I heard voices.
Mrs Clackett Voices? There’s no voices here, love.
Roger I must have imagined it.
Philip (off) Oh, good Lord above!
Roger , with his back to her, picks up both plates of sardines.
Roger I beg your pardon?
Mrs Clackett Oh, good Lord above, the study door’s open.
She crosses and closes it. Roger looks out of the window.
Roger There’s another car outside! That’s not Mr Hackham’s, is it? Or Mr Dudley’s?
Exit Roger through the front door, holding both plates of sardines.
Enter Flavia from the mezzanine bathroom, carrying a hot water bottle. She sees the linen cupboard door swinging open as she passes, pushes it shut and turns the key.
Flavia Nothing but flapping doors in this house.
Exit Flavia into the bedroom.
Enter from the study Philip , holding a tax demand and its envelope.
Philip ‘… final notice … steps will be taken … distraint … proceedings in court …’
Mrs Clackett Oh yes, and that reminds me, a gentleman come about the house.
Philip Don’t tell me. I’m not here.
Mrs Clackett He says he’s got a lady quite aroused.
Philip Leave everything to
Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.
Mrs Clackett All right, love. I’ll let them go all over, shall I?
Philip Let them do anything. Just so long as you don’t tell anyone we’re here.
Mrs Clackett So I’ll just sit down and turn on the … sardines, I’ve forgotten the sardines! I don’t know – if it wasn’t fixed to my shoulders I’d forget what day it was.
Exit Mrs Clackett to the service quarters.
Philip I didn’t get this! I’m not here. I’m in Spain. But if I didn’t get it I didn’t open it.
Enter Flavia from the bedroom. She is holding the dress that Vicki arrived in.
Flavia Darling, I never had a dress like this, did I?
Philip (abstracted) Didn’t you?
Flavia I shouldn’t buy anything as tarty as this … Oh, it’s not something you gave me, is it?
Philip I should never have touched it.
Flavia No, it’s lovely.
Philip Stick it down. Put it back. Never saw it.
Exit Philip into study.
Flavia Well, I’ll put it in the attic, with all the other things you gave me that are too precious to wear.
Exit Flavia along the upstairs corridor.
Enter Roger through the front door, still carrying both plates of sardines.
Roger All right, all right … Now the study door’s open again! What’s going on?
He puts the sardines down – one plate on the telephone table, where it was before, one near the front door – and goes towards the study, but stops at the sound of urgent knocking overhead.
Knocking!
Knocking.
Upstairs!
He runs upstairs. Knocking.
Oh my God, there’s something in the airing cupboard!
He unlocks it and opens it. Enter Vicki.
Roger Oh, it’s you.
Vicki Of course it’s me! You put me in here! In the dark!
With all black sheets and things!
Roger But, darling, why did you lock the door?
Vicki Why did I lock the door? Why did you lock the
door!
Roger I didn’t lock the door!
Vicki Someone locked the door!
Roger Anyway, we can’t stand here like this.
Vicki Like what?
Roger In your underwear.
Vicki OK, I’ll take it off.
Roger In here, in here!
He ushers her into the bedroom.
Only she remains on, blinking anxiously and peering about the floor. Garry waits for her, holding the bedroom door open.
Enter Philip from the study, holding the tax demand, the envelope, and a tube of glue.
Noises Off Page 3