Philip Darling, this glue. Is it the sort you can never get unstuck … ?
Lloyd Hold it.
Philip Oh, Mrs Clackett’s made us some sardines.
Lloyd Hold it. We have a problem.
Frederick (to Brooke) Oh, bad luck! Which one is it this time?
Brooke Left.
Garry (calling to people, off) It’s the left one, everybody!
Omnes (off) Left one!
Enter Dotty, Belinda , and Poppy.
Frederick It could be anywhere.
Garry (looks over the edge of the gallery) It could have gone over the thing and fallen down, you know, and then bounced somewhere else again.
Brooke comes downstairs. They all search hopelessly.
Poppy Where did you last see it?
Belinda She didn’t see it, poor sweet! It was in her eye!
Garry (coming downstairs) It was probably on ‘Why did I lock the door?’ She opens her eyes very sort of, you know. Don’t you, my sweet? I always feel I ought to rush forward and -
He rushes forward, hands held out.
Dotty Mind where you put your feet, my love.
Frederick Yes, everyone look under their feet.
Garry No one move their feet.
Belinda Everyone put their feet back exactly where they were.
Frederick Pick your feet up one by one.
They all trample about, looking under their feet, except Brooke , who crouches with her good eye at floor level. Lloyd comes up on stage.
Lloyd Brooke, love, is this going to happen during a performance? We don’t want the audience to miss their last buses and trains.
Belinda She’ll just carry on. Won’t you, my love?
Frederick But can she see anything without them?
Lloyd Can she hear anything without them?
Brooke (suddenly realising that she is being addressed) Sorry?
She straightens up sharply. Her head comes into abrupt contact with Poppy ’s face.
Poppy Ugh!
Brooke Oh. Sorry.
Brooke jumps up to see what damage she has done to Poppy , and steps backward on to Garry ’s hand.
Garry Ugh!
Brooke Sorry.
Dotty hurries to his aid.
Dotty Oh my poor darling! (To Brooke.) You stood on his hand!
Frederick Oh dear. (He hurriedly clasps a handkerchief to his nose)
Belinda Oh, look at Freddie, the poor love!
Lloyd What’s the matter with him?
Belinda He’s just got a little nosebleed, my sweet.
Lloyd A nosebleed? No one touched him!
Belinda No, he’s got a thing about violence. It always makes his nose bleed.
Frederick (from behind his handkerchief) I’m so sorry.
Lloyd Brooke, sweetheart…
Brooke I thought you said something to me.
Lloyd Yes. (He picks up a vase and hands it to her.) Just go and hit the box-office manager with this and you’ll have finished off live theatre in Weston-super-Mare.
Brooke Anyway, I’ve found it.
Belinda She’s found it!
Dotty Where was it, love?
Brooke In my eye.
Garry In her eye!
Belinda (hugging her) Well done, my sweet.
Lloyd Not in your left eye?
Brooke It had gone round the side.
Belinda I knew it hadn’t gone far. Are you all right, Poppy, my sweet?
Poppy I think so.
Belinda Freddie?
Frederick Fine, fine. (He gets to his feet, looks in his handkerchief, and has to sit down again) I’m so sorry.
Lloyd Now what?
Belinda He’s just feeling a little faint, my love. He’s got this thing about … (She tries to demonstrate)
Lloyd This thing about what?
Belinda Well, I won’t say the word.
Frederick gets to his feet.
Lloyd You mean blood?
Frederick Oh dear. (He has to sit down again)
Belinda (to Frederick) We all understand, my precious.
Lloyd All right, clear the stage. Walking wounded carry the stretcher cases.
Lloyd returns to the stalls, Dotty to the service quarters, Poppy to the wings. Garry and Brooke go upstairs. Belinda helps Frederick to his feet.
Lloyd Right, then. On we bloodily stagger.
Frederick has to reach for a chair again.
Lloyd Oh, sorry, Freddie. Let me rephrase that. On we blindly stumble. Brooke, I withdraw that.
Exit Belinda along the upstairs corridor, Frederick into study.
Lloyd From your exit, anyway. ‘OK, I’ll take it off … In here, in here.’ Where’s Selsdon?
Garry Selsdon!
Lloyd Selsdon!
Enter Selsdon through the front door.
Selsdon I think she might have dropped it out here somewhere.
Lloyd Good. Keep looking. Only another five pages, Selsdon.
Exit Selsdon through the front door.
Lloyd ‘Anyway, we can’t stand here like this. – Like what?. – In your underwear. – OK, I’ll take it off
Roger In here, in here!
He ushers her into the bedroom.
Enter Philip from the study, holding the tax demand, the envelope and a tube of glue.
Philip Darling, this glue. Is it the sort you can never get unstuck … ? Oh, Mrs Clackett’s made us some sardines.
Exit Philip into the study with the tax demand, envelope, glue and one of the plates of sardines from the telephone table.
Enter Roger from the bedroom, holding the hot water bottle. He looks up and down the landing.
Enter Vicki from the bedroom.
Vicki Now what?
Roger A hot-water bottle! I didn’t put it there!
Vicki I didn’t put it there.
Roger Someone in the bathroom, filling hot-water bottles.
Exit Roger into the mezzanine bathroom.
Vicki (anxious) You don’t think there’s something creepy going on?
Exit Vicki into the mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Flavia along the upstairs corridor.
Flavia Darling, are you coming to bed or aren’t you?
Exit Flavia into the bedroom.
Roger What did you say?
Vicki I didn’t say anything.
Roger I mean, first the door handle. Now the hot-water bottle …
Vicki I can feel goose pimples all over.
Roger Yes, quick, get something round you.
Vicki Get the covers over our heads.
Roger is about to open the bedroom door.
Roger Just a moment. What did I do with those sardines?
He goes downstairs. Vicki makes to follow.
Roger You – wait here.
Vicki (uneasily) You hear all sorts of funny things about these old houses.
Roger Yes, but this one has been extensively modernised throughout. I can’t see how anything creepy would survive oil-fired central heating and …
Vicki What? What is it?
Roger stares at the telephone table in silence.
The bedroom door opens, and Flavia puts Roger ’s flight bag on the table outside without looking round. The door closes again.
Vicki What’s happening?
Roger The sardines. They’ve gone.
Vicki Perhaps there is something funny going on. I’m going to get into bed and put my head under the …
She freezes at the sight of the flight bag.
Roger I put them there. Or was it there?
Vicki Bag …
Vicki runs down the stairs to Roger , who is directly underneath the gallery.
Roger I suppose Mrs Sprockett must have taken them away again … What? What is it?
Vicki Bag!
Roger Bag?
Vicki Bag! Bag!
Vicki drags Roger silently back towards the stairs.
Enter Flavia from the bedroom with the box of files. She picks up the flight bag as w
ell and takes them both off along the upstairs corridor.
Roger What do you mean, bag, bag?
Vicki Bag! Bag! Bag!
Roger What bag?
Vicki sees the empty table outside the bedroom door.
Vicki No bag!
Roger No bag?
Vicki Your bag! Suddenly! Here! Now – gone!
Roger It’s in the bedroom. I put it in the bedroom.
Exit Roger into the bedroom.
Vicki Don’t go in there!
Enter Roger from the bedroom.
Roger The box!
Vicki The box!
Roger They’ve both gone!
Vicki Oh! My files!
Roger What on earth’s happening? Where’s Mrs Spratchett?
He starts downstairs. Vicki follows him.
Roger You wait in the bedroom.
Vicki No! No! No! She runs downstairs.
Roger At least put your dress on!
Vicki I’m not going in there!
Roger I’ll fetch it for you, I’ll fetch it for you!
Exit Roger into the bedroom.
Vicki Yes, quick – let’s get out of here!
Enter Roger from the bedroom.
Roger Your dress has gone.
Vicki I’m never going to see Basingstoke again!
Roger goes downstairs.
Roger Don’t panic! Don’t panic! There’s some perfectly rational explanation for all this. I’ll fetch Mrs Splotchett and she’ll tell us what’s happening. You wait here … You can’t stand here looking like that … Wait in the study … Study, study, study!
Exit Roger into the service quarters.
Vicki opens the study door. There’s a roar of exasperation from Philip , off. She turns and flees.
Vicki Roger! There’s a strange figure in there! Where are you?
There is another cry from Philip , off.
Exit Vicki blindly through the front door.
Enter Philip from the study. He is holding the tax demand in his right hand and one of the plates of sardines in his left.
Philip Darling, I know this is going to sound silly, but …
He struggles to get the tax demand unstuck from his fingers, encumbered by the plate of sardines.
Enter Flavia along the upstairs corridor, carrying various pieces of bric-a-brac.
Flavia Darling, if we’re not going to bed I’m going to clear out the attic.
Philip I can’t come to bed! I’m glued to a tax demand!
Flavia Darling, why don’t you put the sardines down?
Philip puts the plate of sardines down on the table. But when he takes his hand away the sardines come with it.
Philip Darling, I’m stuck to the sardines!
Flavia Darling, don’t play the fool. Get that bottle marked poison in the downstairs loo. That eats through anything.
Exit Flavia along the upstairs corridor.
Philip (flapping the tax demand) I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
Exit Philip into the downstairs bathroom.
Pause.
Lloyd Selsdon … ? You’re on, Selsdon. We’re there. The moment’s arrived …
Belinda (off) It’s all right, love. He’s coming, he’s coming …
Lloyd But his arm should be coming through that window even before Freddie’s off!
A pane of glass shatters in the mullion window and an arm comes through and releases the catch.
Lloyd Ah. And here it is.
The window opens and through it appears an elderly Burglar. He has great character, but is in need of extensive repair and modernisation.
Burglar No bars, no burglar alarm. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement.
He climbs in.
Lloyd All right, Selsdon, hold it. Let’s take it again.
Burglar No, but sometimes it makes me want to sit down and weep. When I think I used to do banks! When I remember I used to do bullion vaults!
Lloyd Hold it, Selsdon. Hold it!
Burglar What am I doing now?
Lloyd Hold it!
Enter Poppy from the wings.
Burglar I’m breaking into paper bags!
Poppy Lloyd wants you to hold it.
Enter Belinda.
Burglar Right, what are they offering … ?
Belinda Stop, Selsdon, my love! Wait, my precious!
Selsdon stops, restrained at last by Belinda ’s hand on his arm.
Lloyd It’s like Myra Hess playing on through the air raids.
Selsdon Stop?
Poppy Stop.
Belinda Stop.
Lloyd Thank you, Belinda. Thank you, Poppy.
Exeunt Belinda and Poppy.
Lloyd Selsdon …
Selsdon I met Myra Hess once.
Lloyd I think he can hear better than I can.
Selsdon I beg your pardon?
Lloyd From your entrance, please, Selsdon.
Selsdon Well, it was during the war, at a charity show in Sunderland …
Lloyd Thank you! Poppy!
Selsdon Oh, not for me. It stops me sleeping.
Enter Poppy from the wings.
Lloyd Put the glass back once more.
Selsdon Come on again?
Lloyd Right. Only, Selsdon …
Selsdon Yes?
Lloyd A little sooner, Selsdon. A shade earlier. A touch closer to yesterday. All right? Freddie!
Enter Frederick.
Lloyd (to Selsdon) Start moving as soon as Freddie opens the door. (To Frederick.) What’s the line?
Frederick ‘I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.’
Lloyd Start moving as soon as you hear the line, ‘I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem …’
Frederick ‘Stuck with a problem’?
Lloyd ‘Stuck with a, problem, but this is ridiculous.’ And I want your arm through that window. Right?
Selsdon Say no more. May I make a suggestion, though? Should I perhaps come on a little earlier?
Lloyd Selsdon …
Selsdon Only there does seem to be something of a hiatus between Freddie’s exit and my entrance.
Lloyd No, Selsdon. Listen. Don’t worry. I’ve got it.
Selsdon Yes?
Lloyd How about coming on a little earlier?
Selsdon We’re obviously thinking along the same lines.
Exit Selsdon through the window.
Lloyd Am I putting him on or is he putting me on? Right, Freddie, from your exit.
Philip (flapping the tax demand) I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a, problem, but this is ridiculous.
Exit Philip into downstairs bathroom.
Enter Burglar as before, but on time.
Burglar No bars, no burglar alarms. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement.
He climbs in.
No, but sometimes it makes me want to sit down and weep. When I think I used to do banks! When I remember I used to do bullion vaults! What am I doing now? I’m breaking into paper bags! So what are they offering? (He peers at the television) One microwave oven.
He unplugs it and puts it on the sofa.
What? Fifty quid? Hardly worth lifting it.
He inspects the paintings and ornaments.
Junk … Junk … If you insist …
He pockets some small item.
Where’s his desk? No, they all say the same thing … They all say the same thing …
Selsdon Yes? Line?
Poppy (off) ‘It’s hard to adjust to retirement.’
Selsdon What?
Lloyd (wearily) ‘It’s hard to adjust to retirement.’
Seldon Hard to what?
Others (variously, off) ‘Adjust to retirement.’
Selsdon It’s also very hard to hear if everyone talks at once.
Exit Burglar into the study.
Enter Roger from the service quarters, followed by Mrs Clackett , who is holding another plate of sardines.
&n
bsp; Roger … And the prospective tenant naturally wishes to know if there is any previous history of paranormal phenomena.
Mrs Clackett Oh, yes, dear, it’s all nice and paranormal.
Roger I mean, has anything ever dematerialised before? Has anything ever … ?
He sees the television set on the sofa.
… flown about?
Mrs Clackett puts the sardines down on the telephone table, moves the television set back and closes the front door.
Mrs Clackett Flown about? No, the things move themselves on their own two feet, just like they do in any house.
Roger I’d better warn the prospective tenant. She is inspecting the study.
He opens the study door and then closes it again.
There’s a man in there!
Mrs Clackett No, no, there’s no one in the house, love.
Roger (opening the study door) Look! Look! He’s … searching for something.
Mrs Clackett (glancing briefly) I can’t see no one.
Roger You can’t see him? But this is extraordinary! And where is my prospective tenant? I left her in there! She’s gone! My prospective tenant has disappeared!
He closes the study door and looks round the living-room. He sees the sardines on the telephone table.
Oh my God.
Mrs Clackett Now what?
Roger There!
Mrs Clackett Where?
Roger The sardines!
Mrs Clackett Oh, the sardines.
Roger You can see the sardines?
Mrs Clackett I can see the sardines.
Roger touches them cautiously, then picks up the plate.
Mrs Clackett I can see the way they’re going, too.
Roger I’m not letting these sardines out of my hand. But where is my prospective tenant?
He goes upstairs, holding the sardines.
Mrs Clackett I’m going to be opening sardines all night, in and out of here like a cuckoo on a clock.
Exit Mrs Clackett into the service quarters.
Roger Vicki! Vicki!
Exit Roger into the mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Burglar from the study, carrying an armful of silver cups, etc.
Burglar No, I miss the violence. I miss having other human beings around to terrify …
He dumps the silverware on the sofa and exits into the study.
Enter Roger from mezzanine bathroom.
Roger Where’s she gone? Vicki?
Exit Roger into the bedroom.
Enter Burglar from the study, carrying Philip ’s box and bag. He empties the contents of the box out behind the sofa, and loads the silverware into the box.
Noises Off Page 4