Lloyd Go on, then.
Poppy Well … (She hesitates, embarrassed because other people can hear, then tries to keep her voice down) I went to the doctor today…
Enter Brooke from the dressing-rooms, with the whisky.
Belinda Brooke!
Lloyd hastily abandons Poppy.
Lloyd (to Poppy) Later, later. All right?
Brooke holds up the whisky.
Belinda Oh, no! Not another one!
Brooke In my dressing-room!
Belinda (she takes the whisky) In your dressing-room? (To Lloyd.) It’s getting completely out of control!
Frederick (taking the whisky) I’ll give it to Oxfam, with the other one.
Lloyd (holds out his hand for the whisky) I’ll do it. Thank you.
Brooke (sees him) Lloyd! (Peers.) Lloyd?
Lloyd Got it in one. (Kisses her.)
Brooke You got my message?
Lloyd And came running, honey, and came running.
Brooke Lloyd, we’ve got to have a talk.
Lloyd We’re going to have a talk, my love.
Brooke When?
Lloyd Later, yes? Later.
He goes to take the whisky from Frederick , but is distracted by seeing the flowers that Frederick is holding.
Flowers?
Frederick Oh, yes, sorry. (He gives the flowers to Poppy.)
Poppy Tim bought them for me. (She puts them on her desk in the prompt corner.)
Lloyd Tim? Bought them for you?
Poppy To cheer me up. (Anxiously.) Lloyd …
Lloyd Nothing more, just for the moment. Thank you. (To Frederick.) Strangle Tim for me when you see him, will you?
Frederick Right.
Lloyd goes towards the pass door.
Belinda But what about Dotty?
Lloyd I don’t want to hear about Dotty.
Frederick And Garry?
Lloyd Not about Garry, either.
Belinda What about Selsdon?
Lloyd Listen, I think this show is beyond the help of a director. You just do it. I’ll sit out there in the dark with a bag of toffees and enjoy it. OK? ‘One minute’ was the last call, if your memory goes back that far.
Brooke Lloyd!
Poppy Wait!
Lloyd exits through the pass door. Poppy and Brooke jostle to follow him.
Brooke (to Poppy) Excuse me!
Poppy I’ve got to talk to him!
Frederick (separating them) Girls, girls!
Brooke (indicates the dressing-rooms) I’ve a good mind to put my coat on and walk out of that door right here and now.
Frederick Listen, if you don’t feel up to performing I’m sure Poppy would always be happy to have a bash on your behalf.
Brooke I beg your pardon?
Poppy Honestly!
Belinda (firmly) Brooke, you sit down and do your meditation. Poppy, you go and see what’s happening with Dotty and Garry.
Brooke reluctantly sits down on the floor. Exit Poppy to the dressing-rooms.
Belinda Freddie, my sweet precious …
Frederick Did I say something wrong?
Enter Selsdon hurriedly through the pass door.
Selsdon Where’s Tim?
Belinda Selsdon! My sweet! Where have you been?
Frederick Are you all right? (He puts out a sympathetic hand, then realises that it contains the whisky bottle) Oh dear. (He hurriedly puts it out of sight behind his back)
Belinda We’ve been looking for you everywhere!
Selsdon Oh, yes, everywhere. In front – manager’s office - bar. Not a sign of him.
Belinda He’s looking for you in the dressing-rooms.
Selsdon That’s right! Great shindig been going on down there. I thought Tim ought to know about it.
Belinda My love, I think he’s heard.
Selsdon Oh, everything! Oh, he really went for her! ‘I know when you’ve got your eye on someone!’
Frederick Oh dear, Dotty’s got her eye on someone, has she?
Selsdon ‘I’ve seen you creeping off into corners with that poor halfwit.’
Frederick Which poor halfwit?
Belinda Never mind, my love.
Frederick Not Tim?
Belinda No, no, no.
Frederick But who else is there? Apart from me?
Enter Poppy from the dressing-rooms.
Poppy I think they’re coming.
Belinda They’re coming!
Frederick They’re coming!
Selsdon I knew they wouldn’t.
Poppy And you’re here!
Selsdon Oh, yes, every word!
Poppy Right. (Into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The performance is about to begin.
Enter Tim from the dressing-rooms, in Burglar ’s costume.
Tim They’re coming.
Belinda And we’ve found Selsdon.
Tim (to Selsdon) How did you get here?
Selsdon How? Through the wall!
Tim (into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats.
Poppy I’ve done it!
Tim (into the microphone) The performance is about to …
Poppy I’ve done it, I’ve done it!
Tim (to Poppy) Done it? Done ‘about to begin’? Poppy Yes! About to begin, about to begin!
Tim (into the microphone) is about to … is about to begin at any moment.
Belinda Poor Lloyd! He’ll choke on his toffees.
Selsdon No, the walls are very thin, you see. ‘I’m absolutely sick to death of it,’ she cries … (Takes in what Tim is wearing.) Am I setting a bit of a trend?
Tim (realises) Oh…
Belinda (quickly, snatching Tim ’s Burglar cap off)
Understudy rehearsal, my love.
Selsdon Oh, for Garry, yes – very timely. ‘You try to give some poor devil a leg up,’ she says.
Enter Garry from the dressing-rooms.
Belinda Garry, my sweet!
Selsdon Or she may have said, ‘a leg over…’ Oh, and here he is.
Frederick (to Garry) Are you all right?
Frederick collects the box and the flight bag from the props table and smilingly offers them to Garry, who snatches them angrily.
Selsdon What does he say?
Belinda He’s not saying anything, Selsdon, my sweet.
Selsdon Very sensible. Only stir it up again. ‘I’ve seen you giving him little nods and smiles!’ – that’s what he kept saying.
Enter Dotty from the dressing-rooms.
Belinda Dotty, my love!
Selsdon Oh, she’s emerged, has she? Come on, old girl! You’re on!
Frederick Are you all right?
Selsdon Is she all right?
Dotty merely sighs and smiles, and gives a little squeeze of the arm to Belinda. She takes up her place by the service quarters entrance, a tragically misunderstood woman. Garry moves pointedly away.
Belinda (to Selsdon) She’s fine.
Tim All right, everyone?
Selsdon ‘Little hugs and squeezes.’
Belinda Hush, love.
Poppy Curtain up?
Everyone looks anxiously from Dotty to Garry and back again. Dotty and Garry both ignore the looks. They stand aloof, then both at the same moment turn to check their appearance in the little mirrors fixed to the back of the set.
Frederick Look, Dotty … Look, Garry … I’m not going to make a great speech, but we have all got to go out there and put on a performance, and well …
Belinda We can’t do it in silence, my loves! We’re going to have to speak to each other!
Pause. Neither Garry nor Dotty has apparently heard.
Dotty (suddenly, bravely, to Tim) What’s the house like?
Belinda That’s the spirit!
Frederick Well done, Dotty!
Tim It’s quite good. Well, for a matinée.
Poppy There’s quite a crowd at the front of the back stalls.
Selsdon (to Poppy) Com
e on, girl, get the tabs up! Some of those OAPs out there haven’t got long to go.
Poppy Right. Quiet, then, please …
Frederick Let me just say one more word … Hold it a moment, Poppy …
Selsdon Let me just say one word. Sardines!
Belinda Sardines!
Frederick Sardines!
Belinda rushes to the prop table to fetch Dotty the plate of sardines that she takes on for her first entrance.
Poppy (over tannoy) Standing by, please. Music cue one …
Enter Lloyd through the pass door.
Lloyd Now what?
Tim We’re just going up.
Lloyd We’ve been sitting there for an hour! They’ve gone quiet! They think someone’s died!
Frederick I’m sorry, Lloyd. It’s my fault. I was just saying a few words to everyone.
Lloyd Freddie, have you ever thought of having a brain transplant?
Frederick Sorry, sorry. Wrong moment. I see that.
Lloyd Anybody else have thoughts they feel they must communicate?
Poppy Well, not now, of course, but …
Lloyd What?
Poppy I mean, you know, later …
Lloyd (to Tim, quietly, conscious that Brooke has stopped meditating and started watching) And you bought these flowers for Poppy?
Tim No … (Conscious that Poppy is watching.) Well … yes …
Lloyd And you didn’t buy any flowers for me?
Tim No … well … no …
Lloyd Tim, have you ever heard of such a thing as jealous rage?
Tim Yes … well … yes …
Lloyd Then take ten pounds of your own money, Tim, and go out to the florists and buy some flowers for me!
Tim Lloyd, we’re just going up! I’ve got to run the show!
Lloyd Never mind the show. Concentrate on the floral arrangements. Bought them for Poppy! You two could have Freddie’s old brain. You could have half each.
Exit Lloyd through the pass door. Poppy sobs.
Frederick Oh dear.
Belinda Don’t cry, Poppy, love
Selsdon Just get the old bus on the road.
Poppy (over tannoy, tearfully) Standing by, please. Elecs stand by.
Garry (to himself) Christ! (He hammers his fist against the back of the set in frustration)
Poppy Quiet backstage!
She waits for Garry to subside, then gives an involuntary noisy sob herself.
Belinda Hush, love.
Poppy (over tannoy, tearfully) Music cue one go.
The introductory music for Nothing On.
Tabs going up …
[Note: the act that follows is a somewhat condensed version of the one we saw rehearsed.]
Act Three
The curtain goes up to reveal the tabs of the Municipal Theatre, Stockton-on-Tees. A half-empty whisky bottle nestles at the foot of them. The introductory music for Nothing On.
As the music finishes the tabs begin to rise. A foot or two above stage level they stop uncertainly, hover for a moment, and fall again.
Pause.
The introductory music starts again and is then faded out.
Enter Tim from the wings, in his dinner jacket, but with elements of the Burglar ’s gear visible beneath it, and the Burglar ’s cap on his
head.
Tim Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. (He removes the Burglar ’s cap) Welcome to the the Old Fishmarket Theatre, Lowestoft, or rather the Municipal Theatre, Stockton-on-Tees, for this evening’s performance of Nothing On. We apologise for the slight delay in starting tonight, which is due to circumstances …
Belinda (off, screaming but indistinguishable) Hands off Freddie! All right?
Dotty (off, screaming but indistinguishable) You’re the one who’s trying to get their hands on Freddie!
Tim … due to circumstances …
Dotty (off, screaming but indistinguishable) You don’t own him, you know!
Tim … beyond our control …
The sound of a slap, off, and Dotty screams in pain, off.
… and we would ask you to bear with us for a moment while we deal with her. With them. With the circumstances. I should perhaps say that with tonight’s performance of the play our long and highly successful tour …
Poppy (over Tannoy) Ladies and gentlemen. We apologise for the delay in starting tonight, which is due to circumstances which have …
Belinda (over Tannoy) Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare!
Poppy (over Tannoy) … which have now been brought under control.
Tim … our long and highly successful tour is on its very last legs. Its very last leg. Thank you for your …
Poppy Thank you for your …
Tim and Poppy (together) … co-operation and understanding.
Tim I sincerely trust …
He pauses for an instant to see if he will be interrupted again.
I sincerely trust there will be no other …
He becomes aware of the whisky bottle.
… no other hiccups. No other hold-ups. So, ladies and gentlemen, will you please sit back and enjoy the remains of the evening.
Exit Tim. A slight pause, then his arm comes out from under the tabs and retrieves the bottle.
The introductory music for Nothing On, and this time the tabs rise. The act is being seen from the front again, exactly as it was the first time, at the rehearsal in Weston-super-Mare.
Enter slowly and with dignity from the service quarters, limping painfully, Mrs Clackett. She is holding a plate in her left hand and a handful of loose sardines in her right.
Mrs Clackett (bravely) It’s no good you going on …
She stops and looks at the phone. It hurriedly starts to ring.
I can’t pick sardines off the floor and answer the phone.
She dumps the handful of sardines on the plate.
I’ve only got one leg.
She shifts the plate to her right hand and picks up the phone with the left.
(into the phone, bravely) Hello … Yes, but there’s no one here … No, Mr Brent’s not here …
She puts the plate of sardines down next to the newspaper on the sofa as she speaks and picks up the newspaper. She shakes the outer sheet free and wipes her oily hand on it as best she can. The rest of the newspaper disintegrates and falls back on top of the sardines.
He lives here, yes, but he don’t live here now because he lives in Spain. Mr Philip Brent, that’s right … The one who writes the plays, only why he wants to get mixed up in plays God only knows, he’d be safer off in the lion’s cage at the zoo … No, she’s in Spain, too, they’re all in Spain, there’s no one here … Am I in Spain … ?
She realises that she is holding the sheet of newspaper instead of the sardines. She turns round to look for them as she speaks, winding herself into the telephone cord.
No, I’m not in Spain, dear. I look after the house for them, but I go home at one o’clock on Wednesday, only I’ve got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with …
She sits down uncertainly on the heap of newspaper.
… because it’s the royal what’s it called on the telly – the royal you know …
She realises that she is sitting on the sardines and extracts the plate as discreetly as possible as she speaks.
… And if it’s to do with letting the house then you’ll have to ring the house agents, because they’re the agents for the house … Squire, Squire, Hackham and who’s the other one … ?
She examines the flattened contents of the plate.
No, they’re not in Spain, they’re just a bit squashed. Squire, Squire, Hackham and, hold on …
She stands up to go, uncertainly balancing plate, sheet of newspaper and phone.
… I’m going to do something wrong here.
She starts to go, then realises there are loose sheets of newspaper all over the floor and bends down to pick them up. The sardines slide off the plate on to the floor.
Always the same, isn’t it.
>
She starts to go again.
One minute you’ve got too much on your plate …
She realises that she has nothing on her plate, turns round and sees the sardines.
… next thing you know they’ve gone again.
She uncertainly drops a few sheets of the newspaper over the sardines and exits into the study, holding the empty plate and the telephone receiver. The body of the phone falls off its table and follows her to the door
The sound of a key in the lock. The front door opens. On the doorstep is Roger , carrying a cardboard box.
Roger … I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off.
Enter Vicki.
The body of the phone begins to creep inconspicuously towards the door.
Roger So we’ve got the place entirely to ourselves.
Roger goes back and brings in a flight bag and closes the front door.
I’ll just check.
He halts the telephone with a casually placed foot. Vicki gazes round.
Roger Hello? Anyone at home? No, there’s no one here.
He picks the phone up and puts it back on its table.
So what do you think?
He takes his hand off the phone and it springs back on to the floor.
Vicki Great. And this is all yours?
The phone starts to creep away again. Roger casually picks it up as he talks and puts it down on the sideboard.
Roger Just a little shack in the woods, really. Converted posset mill. Sixteenth-century.
Vicki It must have cost a bomb.
Another jerk on the wire catapults the phone across the room. Vicki pays no attention to it.
Roger Well, one has to have somewhere to entertain one’s business associates. Someone on the phone now, by the look of it.
He picks the phone up and puts it back on the sideboard.
It’s probably this, you know, this Arab saying he wants to come at four, so I mean I’ll just have a word with him and …
He tries to pick up the receiver and finds that it’s not there. As the conversation continues he follows the receiver cord along with his hand.
Vicki Right, and I’ve got to get those files to our Basingstoke office by four.
Roger Yes, we’ll only just manage to pick it in. I mean, we’ll only just fit it up. I mean …
Vicki Right, then.
Roger We won’t bother to pull the champagne.
He pulls gently at the cord. Vicki All these doors!
Roger Oh, only a handful, really. Study … Kitchen … and a self-contained service flat …
Noises Off Page 7