He tugs hard and the cord comes away without the receiver.
… for the receiver.
Vicki Terrific. And which one’s the … ?
Roger What?
Vicki You know …
Roger The usual offices? Through here, through here.
He bundles up the phone and cable, and opens the downstairs bathroom door for her.
Vicki Fantastic.
Exit Vicki into the bathroom. Roger tosses the phone casually off after her.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study, still walking with difficulty and holding the now cordless receiver.
Mrs Clackett I’ve lost the sardines again …
Mutual surprise. Roger closes the door to the bathroom.
Roger I’m sorry. I thought there was no one here.
Mrs Clackett I’m not here. (She looks round for the phone, so that she can replace the receiver) I don’t know where I am.
Roger I’m from the agents.
Mrs Clackett Lost the phone now.
Roger Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.
Mrs Clackett Never lost a phone before.
Roger I’m Tramplemain.
Mrs Clackett I’ll just put it up here, look, if anyone wants it. (She puts the receiver on top of the television)
Roger Oh, right, thanks. No, I just dropped in to … go into a few things …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it. Mrs Clackett gets down on her hands and knees, and looks under the newspaper.
Roger Well, to check some of the measurements …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it. Mrs Clackett goes to scoop up the sardines, but then looks round.
Roger Do one or two odd jobs …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it.
Mrs Clackett Now the plate’s gone.
Roger Oh, and a client. I’m showing a prospective client over the house.
The bathroom door opens.
Vicki What’s wrong with this door?
Roger closes it.
Roger She’s thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused.
Enter Vicki from the bathroom.
Vicki That’s not the bedroom.
Roger The bedroom? No, that’s the downstairs bathroom and WC suite. And this is the …
Roger steps forward on to the newspapers to introduce Mrs Clackett. His foot slides away in front of him.
Mrs Clackett Sardines, dear, sardines.
Vicki Oh. Hi.
Roger She’s not really here.
Mrs Clackett (looking under the newspaper) Oh, you shouldn’t have stood on them.
Roger (to Mrs Clackett) Don’t worry about us.
Mrs Clackett They’ll all go standing on them now.
Roger We’ll just inspect the house.
Mrs Clackett I’d better give the floor a wash.
Exit Mrs Clackett into the study, leaving the sardines beneath the newspaper on the floor.
Roger I’m sorry about this.
Vicki That’s all right. We don’t want the television, do we?
Roger Television? That’s right, television, she didn’t explain about wanting to watch this royal, you know, because obviously there’s been this thing with the … (He indicates the sardines) I mean, I’m just, you know, in case anyone’s looking at all this and thinking, ‘My God!’
Vicki Great. Come on, then. (She starts upstairs) I’ve got to be in Basingstoke by four.
Roger Sorry, love. I thought we ought to get that straight.
Vicki We’ll take it up with us.
Roger Where are we?
Vicki And don’t let my files out of sight.
Roger Hold on. We’ve got out of …
Vicki What?
Roger What?
Vicki Her?
Roger Her? OK … ‘her’. Right, because she has been in the family for generations.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study, carrying a fire-bucket and a mop.
Mrs Clackett Sardines … Sardines … It’s not for me to say, of course, dear, only I will just say this: don’t think twice about it – take the plunge … (She plunges the mop into the fire-bucket.) You’ll really enjoy it here … (She discovers that the mop won’t go into the fire-bucket.)
Vicki Oh. Great.
Mrs Clackett removes the obstruction – a bottle of whisky.
Mrs Clackett I’ll put it here, look, then if he wants it he won’t know where to find it …
Mrs Clackett puts the bottle of whisky with the other bottles on the sideboard.
Vicki Terrific.
Mrs Clackett Sardines, sardines. (She hands the mop to Roger.) You’ll have to do the sardines, then, ’cause I’ve got to go back to the kitchen now and do some more sardines.
Exit Mrs Clackett to service quarters.
Vicki You see? She thinks it’s great. She’s even making us sardines!
Roger (contemplates the bucket and mop uncertainly) Well …
Vicki I think she’s terrific.
Roger Terrific.
Vicki So which way?
Roger I don’t know – kind of parcel them up in the …
(He holds out some sheets of newspaper to her.) And I’ll … (He demonstrates the mop.)
Vicki (starts up the stairs) Up here?
Roger Down here!
Vicki In here?
Roger OK, I’ll do the … you do the …
Exit Vicki into the mezzanine bathroom. Roger parcels up the sardines in the newspaper as best he can.
Vicki It’s another bathroom. (She reappears)
Roger dumps the parcel of sardines on the telephone table while he dabs hurriedly at the floor with the mop.
Roger Take the box upstairs, then! Take the bag!
Vicki Always trying to get me into bathrooms.
Roger Bag! Box!
Vicki moves to stand outside the airing cupboard.
Vicki Oh, black sheets!
Roger (runs to the stairs with bucket and mop, and holds them out to Vicki) All right, take the … take the … take the … !
Vicki Oh, you’re in a real state!
Roger (despairingly) Oh … !
Roger runs back and abandons the bucket and mop to pick up the bag and box.
Vicki You can’t even get the door open.
Exit Vicki into the bedroom.
Roger runs back to collect the bucket and mop, just as the front door opens to reveal Philip , carrying a cardboard box.
Philip No, it’s Mrs Clackett’s afternoon off, remember. We’ve got the place …
Philip freezes, as Roger flees upstairs with the bag and the box. Philip follows Roger’s progress out of the corner of his eye.
Enter Flavia , carrying a flight bag like Roger’s.
The bedroom door shuts in Roger ’s face. He opens the door again and exits into the bedroom with the bag and box.
Philip … entirely to ourselves.
Flavia Home.
Philip Home, sweet home.
Flavia Dear old house!
Philip Just waiting for us to come back!
Flavia (producing the remains of the phone) But how odd to find the telephone in the garden!
Philip I’ll put it back.
She hands him the phone – now in a very deteriorated condition – and he attempts to replace it on the telephone table. But it is still connected to its lead, which is too short, since it runs out through the downstairs bathroom door and back in through the front door.
Flavia I thought I’d better bring it in.
Philip Very sensible. (He tugs discreetly at the lead)
Flavia Someone’s bound to want it.
Philip Oh dear. (He tugs)
Flavia Why don’t you put it back on the table?
Philip The wire seems to be caught.
Flavia Oh, look, it’s caught round the downstairs bathroom.
Philip So it is.
Philip takes the phone back out of the front room. Flavia with discreet violence pulls the lead out of the
junction box where it originates. Philip re-emerges with the phone through the downstairs bathroom.
Flavia I think I’ve disentangled it.
Philip I climbed through the bathroom window and … oh … oh …
He takes the parcel of sardines off the telephone table and puts the telephone in its place.
Flavia It’s rather funny, though, creeping in like this for our wedding anniversary!
Philip It’s damned serious! If Inland Revenue find out we’re in the …
Attempting to fold up the newspaper tidily, he becomes distracted by the contents that come oozing out over his hands. His voice dies away.
Flavia … country, even for one night …
Philip Sorry. (He puts down the parcel of sardines on the sofa) Yes, because if Inland Revenue find out we’re in the …
He moves towards the champagne and slides, exactly like Garry, on the oily patch on the floor. He stops and looks back on it in surprise.
Flavia … country …
Philip (distracted) … country …
Flavia … even for one night.
Philip … even for one night…
Philip edges cautiously away from the oily patch.
Flavia … bang goes …
He bangs into the bucket and mop.
Flavia … our claim to be resident abroad …
Philip fumbles for his handkerchief and claps it to his nose.
Philip Resident abroad. Absolutely. (He looks into his handkerchief)
Flavia Bang goes most of this year’s income.
Philip Most of this year’s income … (He puts the handkerchief away) So, yes, I think I’d better … (He picks up bag and box, clutches them to himself for reassurance) … go and have a little lie-down.
He starts up the stairs.
Flavia (surprised, but rallying Lie-down, yes, well, why not? No children. No friends dropping in … (She moves the sofa to cover the oily patch as she speaks) We’re absolutely on our … Leave those!
Philip Oh, yes.
Philip puts the bag and box down, but by this time he is already upstairs.
Flavia Downstairs! Not upstairs!
Philip I’m so sorry. I … (He looks in his handkerchief again) Oh dear …
He exits hurriedly into bedroom.
Flavia (picks up the fire-bucket and mop) There is something to be said for being a tax exile … (She flees upstairs with the fire-bucket and mop, laughing) Sh … ! What? Inland Revenue may hear us!
Enter Mrs Clackett from the service quarters carrying a fresh plate of sardines.
Mrs Clackett (to herself) What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.
She puts down the plate of sardines, and goes to sit on the sofa, on the parcel of sardines left there by Philip.
Flavia (urgently, looking down from the gallery, still holding the bucket and mop) Mrs Newspaper!
Mrs Clackett jumps up.
Mrs Clackett Oh, you give me a turn! My heart jumped right out of the sofa!
Flavia So did mine! We thought you’d gone!
Mrs Clackett (finding the parcel of sardines and examining it) l thought you was in Sardinia!
Flavia We are! We are! You haven’t seen us! We’re not here!
Mrs Clackett I can guess which one of them put this here.
Flavia Yes, but the main thing is that the Income Tax are after us.
Mrs Clackett Lovely helping of sardines to sit on.
Flavia So if anybody asks for us, you don’t know nothing. Anything. So I’ll just … I’ll just … get a hot-water bottle.
She goes towards the mezzanine bathroom.
Mrs Clackett And off she goes without waiting to find out about his letters.
Flavia (stops, realises despairingly) His letters?
Enter Philip groggily from the bedroom.
Philip Letters? What letters? You forward all the mail, don’t you?
Mrs Clackett Not presents from Sardinia, dear.
Philip I’m so sorry.
Exit Philip into the bedroom.
Mrs Clackett I’ll show you where I put presents from Sardinia.
She goes upstairs towards Flavia , who is still outside the mezzanine bathroom, carrying the bucket and mop, not sure which way to move.
I put presents from Sardinia in the pigeonhouse.
Flavia In the pigeonhouse?
Mrs Clackett In the little pigeonhouse down here, love.
She stuffs the parcel of sardines down the front of Flavia ’s dress. Flavia looks down at the dress, then at the fire-bucket and mop she is carrying. Mrs Clackett retires hurriedly back downstairs and exits into the study, with Flavia after her.
Enter Roger from the bedroom, still dressed, but with no tie on.
Roger Yes, but I could hear voices!
He falls over Philip ’s bag and box.
Enter Vicki from the bedroom in her underwear.
Vicki Voices? What sort of voices?
Roger Box voices. I mean, people’s boxes.
Vicki But there’s no one here.
Roger Darling, I saw the door-handle move! And these bags … I’m not sure they were, you know, when we went into the, do you know what I mean?
Vicki I still don’t see why you’ve got to put your tie on to look.
Roger (picking up the bag and box) Because if someone left these things outside the, I mean, come on, they obviously want them downstairs inside the, you know.
Vicki Mrs Clockett?
Roger It could be. Coming up here on her way to, well, carrying various, I mean, who knows?
Vicki (looking over the banisters) Oh look, she’s opened our sardines.
She moves to go downstairs. Roger puts down the bag and box outside the linen cupboard and grabs her.
Roger Come back!
Vicki What?
Roger I’ll fetch them! You can’t go downstairs like that.
Vicki Why not?
Roger Mrs Crackett.
Vicki Mrs Crackett?
Roger One has certain obligations.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study, fishing sardines out of the front of her dress.
Mrs Clackett (to herself) Sardines here. Sardines there. It’s like the Battle of Waterloo out there.
Roger tries to pull open the linen cupboard door to conceal Vicki , but it is obstructed by the bag and box.
Mrs Clackett Oh, you’re still poking around, are you?
Roger Yes, still poking, well, still pulling.
He tugs at the door again, unaware of the obstruction, and the handle comes off as it opens.
Mrs Clackett Good job I can’t see far with this leg.
Roger moves the bag and box, gets Vicki inside the linen cupboard and rebalances the handle in place.
Roger Just, you know, trying all the doors and I mean checking all the door handles.
He starts downstairs, carrying Philip ’s bag and box.
Mrs Blackett.
Mrs Clackett Clackett, dear, Clackett.
Roger Mrs Clackett. Is there anyone else in the house, Mrs Clackett?
Mrs Clackett I haven’t seen no one, dear.
Roger I thought I heard a box. I mean, I found these voices.
Mrs Clackett Voices? There’s no voices here, love.
Roger I must have imagined it.
Philip (off) Oh, good Lord above!
The colossal sound of Philip falling downstairs, off, taking half the platform with him, followed by a wailing groan.
Roger I beg your pardon?
Mrs Clackett (mimicking Philip) Oh, good Lord above!
She crashes things about on the sideboard in imitation of the off-stage crash and ends the performance with a wailing groan.
Roger Why, what is it?
Mrs Clackett The study door’s open.
She crosses and closes the door.
Roger They’re going to want these inside the … (He indicates the study) So I’ll put them outside the … (He indicates the front door) Then they can, do you
know what I mean?
Exit Roger through the front door, carrying the bag and box.
Enter Flavia from the mezzanine bathroom, carrying a first-aid box. She sees the linen cupboard door swinging open as she passes, and pushes it shut, so that the latch closes. The handle comes off in her hand.
Flavia Nothing but flapping doors in this handle.
Exit Flavia into the bedroom, holding the first-aid box and the handle. Enter from the study Philip , holding a tax demand and its envelope. The part is now being played not by Frederick but by Tim.
Philip /Tim… final notice … steps will be taken … distraint … proceedings in court …
Mrs Clackett Oh, my Lord, who are you?
Philip /Tim I’m Philip.
Mrs Clackett You’re Philip? What happened to you?
Philip /Tim Well, it’s all got a bit slippery on the stairs out there.
Mrs Clackett You haven’t done himself an injury?
Philip /Tim No. He’s just a bit shaken. I’ll be all right in a minute.
Exit Mrs Clackett to the study.
Philip /Tim You weren’t going to tell me a gentleman had come about the house, were you?
Mrs Clackett (off) What?
Philip /Tim You weren’t going to tell me a gentleman had come about the house?
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study.
Mrs Clackett That’s right. A gentleman come about the house.
Philip /Tim Don’t tell me. I’m not here.
Mrs Clackett Oh, and he’s put your box out in the garden for you.
Philip /Tim Let them do anything. Just so long as you don’t tell anyone we’re here.
Mrs Clackett So I’ll just sit down and turn on the … sardines, I’ve forgotten the sardines! (She finds the second plate of sardines on the table, exactly where she put it) Oh, no, I haven’t - I’ve remembered the sardines! What a surprise! I must go out to the kitchen and make another plate of sardines to celebrate.
Exit Mrs Clackett to the service quarters.
Philip /Tim I didn’t get this! I’m not here. I’m in Spain. But if I didn’t get it I didn’t open it.
Enter Flavia from the bedroom. She is holding the dress that Vicki arrived in and the handle of the linen cupboard.
Flavia Darling … (She stares at Philip / Tim in surprise, then recovers herself and looks at the dress) I never had a handle like this, did I?
Philip /Tim (abstracted) Didn’t you?
Flavia I shouldn’t buy anything as brassy as this.
Flavia drops the dress and attempts to replace the handle on the linen cupboard behind her back.
Oh, it’s not something you gave me, is it?
Noises Off Page 8