The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  IN WHICH THE KNIGHT RESUMES HIS IMPORTANCE.

  Doctor Fillet having borrowed a couple of sheets from the landlady,dressed the misanthrope and Tom Clarke in ghostly apparel, which wasreinforced by a few drops of liquid phosphorus, from Ferret's vial,rubbed on the foreheads of the two adventurers. Thus equipped, theyreturned to the church with their conductor, who entered with them softlyat an aisle which was opposite to a place where the novice kept watch.They stole unperceived through the body of the church; and though it wasso dark that they could not distinguish the captain with the eye, theyheard the sound of his steps, as he walked backwards and forwards on thepavement with uncommon expedition, and an ejaculation now and thenescaped in a murmur from this lips.

  The triumvirate having taken their station with a large pew in theirfront, the two ghosts uncovered their heads, which by the help of thephosphorus exhibited a pale and lambent flame, extremely dismal andghastly to the view; then Ferret in a squeaking tone, exclaimed, "SamuelCrowe! Samuel Crowe!" The captain hearing himself accosted in thismanner, at such a time, and in such a place, replied, "Hilloah"; andturning his eyes towards the quarter whence the voice seemed to proceed,beheld the terrible apparition. This no sooner saluted his view than hishair bristled up, his knees began to knock, and his teeth to chatter,while he cried aloud, "In the name of God, where are you bound, ho?" Tothis hail the misanthrope answered, "We are the spirits of thygrandmother Jane and thy aunt Bridget."

  At mention of these names, Crowe's terrors began to give way to hisresentment, and he pronounced in a quick tone of surprise, mixed withindignation, "What d'ye want? what d'ye want? what d'ye want, ho?" Thespirit replied, "We are sent to warn thee of thy fate." "From whence,ho?" cried the captain, whose choler had by this time well-nigh triumphedover his fear. "From Heaven," said the voice. "Ye lie, ye b------s ofhell!" did our novice exclaim; "ye are d--ned for heaving me out of myright, five fathom and a half by the lead, in burning brimstone. Don't Isee the blue flames come out of your hawse holes?--mayhap you may be thedevil himself, for aught I know--but I trust in the Lord, d'ye see--Inever disrated a kinsman, d'ye see, so don't come alongside of me--putabout on th'other tack, d'ye see--you need not clap hard a-weather, foryou'll soon get to hell again with a flowing sail."

  So saying, he had recourse to his Paternoster; but perceiving theapparitions approach, he thundered out, "Avast,--avast--sheer off, yebabes of hell, or I'll be foul of your forelights." He accordinglysprung forwards with his hanger, and very probably would have set thespirits on their way to the other world, had he not fallen over a pew inthe dark, and entangled himself so much among the benches, that he couldnot immediately recover his footing. The triumvirate took thisopportunity to retire; and such was the precipitation of Ferret in hisretreat, that he encountered a post by which his right eye sustainedconsiderable damage; a circumstance which induced him to inveigh bitterlyagainst his own folly, as well as the impertinence of his companions, whohad inveigled him into such a troublesome adventure. Neither he norClarke could be prevailed upon to revisit the novice. The doctor himselfthought his disease was desperate; and, mounting his horse, returned tohis own habitation.

  Ferret, finding all the beds in the public-house were occupied, composedhimself to sleep in a Windsor chair at the chimney corner; and Mr.Clarke, whose disposition was extremely amorous, resolved to renew hispractices on the heart of Dolly. He had reconnoitred the apartments inwhich the bodies of the knight and his squire were deposited, anddiscovered close by the top of the staircase a sort of a closet or hovel,just large enough to contain a truckle bed, which, from some otherparticulars, he supposed to be the bedchamber of his beloved Dolly, whohad by this time retired to her repose. Full of this idea, andinstigated by the demon of desire, Mr. Thomas crept softly upstairs, andlifting the latch of the closet door, his heart began to palpitate withjoyous expectation; but before he could breathe the gentle effusions ofhis love, the supposed damsel started up and seizing him by the collarwith a Herculean gripe, uttered, in the voice of Crabshaw, "It wan't fornothing that I dreamed of Newgate, sirrah; but I'd have thee to know, anarrant squire is not to be robbed by such a peddling thief as thee--hereI'll howld thee vast, an the devil were in thy doublet--help! murder!vire! help!"

  It was impossible for Mr. Clarke to disengage himself, and equallyimpracticable to speak in his own vindication; so that here he stoodtrembling and half throttled, until the whole house being alarmed, thelandlady and her ostler ran upstairs with a candle. When the lightrendered objects visible, an equal astonishment prevailed on all sides;Crabshaw was confounded at sight of Mr. Clarke, whose person he wellknew; and releasing him instantly from his grasp, "Bodikins!" cried he,"I believe as how this hause is haunted--who thought to meet with MeasterLaawyer Clarke at midnight, and so far from hoam?" The landlady couldnot comprehend the meaning of this encounter; nor could Tom conceive howCrabshaw had transported himself thither from the room below, in which hesaw him quietly reposed. Yet nothing was more easy than to explain thismystery: the apartment below was the chamber which the hostess and herdaughter reserved for their own convenience; and this particular havingbeen intimated to the squire while he was at supper, he had resigned hisbed quietly, and been conducted hither in the absence of the company.Tom, recollecting himself as well as he could, professed himself ofCrabshaw's opinion, that the house was haunted, declaring that he couldnot well account for his being there in the dark; and leaving those thatwere assembled to discuss this knotty point, retired downstairs in hopeof meeting with his charmer, whom accordingly he found in the kitchenjust risen, and wrapped in a loose dishabille.

  The noise of Crabshaw's cries had awakened and aroused his master, who,rising suddenly in the dark, snatched up his sword that lay by hisbedside, and hastened to the scene of tumult, where all their mouths wereopened at once, to explain the cause of the disturbance, and make anapology for breaking his honour's rest. He said nothing, but taking thecandle in his hand, beckoned his squire to follow him into his apartment,resolving to arm and take horse immediately. Crabshaw understood hismeaning; and while he shuffled on his clothes, yawning hideously all thewhile, wished the lawyer at the devil for having visited him sounseasonably; and even cursed himself for the noise he had made, inconsequence of which he foresaw he should now be obliged to forfeit hisnight's rest, and travel in the dark, exposed to the inclemencies of theweather. "Pox rot thee, Tom Clarke, for a wicked lawyer!" said he tohimself; "hadst thou been hanged at Bartlemy-tide, I should this nighthave slept in peace, that I should--an I would there was a blister onthis plaguy tongue of mine for making such a hollo-ballo, that I do--fivegallons of cold water has my poor belly been drenched with since nightfell, so as my reins and my liver are all one as if they were turned intoice, and my whole harslet shakes and shivers like a vial of quicksilver.I have been dragged, half-drowned like a rotten ewe, from the bottom of ariver; and who knows but I may be next dragged quite dead from the bottomof a coal-pit--if so be as I am, I shall go to hell to be sure, for beingconsarned like in my own moorder, that I will, so I will; for, a plagueon it! I had no business with the vagaries of this crazy-peated measterof mine, a pox on him, say I."

  He had just finished this soliloquy as he entered the apartment of hismaster, who desired to know what was become of his armour. Timothy,understanding that it had been left in the room when the knightundressed, began to scratch his head in great perplexity; and at lastdeclared it as his opinion, that it must have been carried off bywitchcraft. Then he related his adventure with Tom Clarke, who he saidwas conveyed to his bedside he knew not how; and concluded with affirmingthey were no better than Papishes who did not believe in witchcraft. SirLauncelot could not help smiling at his simplicity; but assuming aperemptory air, he commanded him to fetch the armour without delay, thathe might afterwards saddle the horses, in order to prosecute theirjourney.

  Timothy retired in great tribulation to the kitchen, where, finding themisanthrope, whom the noise had
also disturbed, and, still impressed withthe notion of his being a conjurer, he offered him a shilling if he wouldcast a figure, and let him know what was become of his master's armour.

  Ferret, in hope of producing more mischief, informed him withouthesitation, that one of the company had conveyed it into the chancel ofthe church, where he would now find it deposited; at the same timepresenting him with the key, which Mr. Fillet had left in his custody.

  The squire, who was none of those who set hobgoblins at defiance, beingafraid to enter the church alone at these hours, bargained with theostler to accompany and light him with a lantern. Thus attended, headvanced to the place where the armour lay in a heap, and loaded it uponthe back of his attendant without molestation, the lance being shoulderedover the whole. In this equipage they were just going to retire, whenthe ostler, hearing a noise at some distance, wheeled about with suchvelocity, that one end of the spear saluting Crabshaw's pate, the poorsquire measured his length on the ground; and, crushing the lantern inhis fall, the light was extinguished. The other, terrified at theseeffects of his own sudden motion, threw down his burden, and would havebetaken himself to flight, had not Crabshaw laid fast hold on his leg,that he himself might not be deserted. The sound of the piecesclattering on the pavement roused Captain Crowe from a trance or slumber,in which he had lain since the apparition vanished; and he hallooed, orrather bellowed, with vast vociferation. Timothy and his friend were sointimidated by this terrific strain, that they thought no more of thearmour, but ran home arm in arm, and appeared in the kitchen with all themarks of horror and consternation.

  When Sir Launcelot came forth wrapped in his cloak, and demanded hisarms, Crabshaw declared that the devil had them in possession; and thisassertion was confirmed by the ostler, who pretended to know the devil byhis roar. Ferret sat in his corner, maintaining the most mortifyingsilence, and enjoying the impatience of the knight, who in vain requestedan explanation of this mystery. At length his eyes began to lighten,when, seizing Crabshaw in one hand, and the ostler in the other, he sworeby Heaven he would dash their souls out, and raze the house to thefoundation, if they did not instantly disclose the particulars of thistransaction. The good woman fell on her knees, protesting, in the nameof the Lord, that she was innocent as the child unborn, thof she had lentthe captain a Prayer-Book to learn the Lord's Prayer, a candle andlantern to light him to the church, and a couple of clean sheets, for theuse of the other gentlemen. The knight was more and more puzzled by thisdeclaration; when Mr. Clarke, coming into the kitchen, presented himselfwith a low obeisance to his old patron.

  Sir Launcelot's anger was immediately converted into surprise. He set atliberty the squire and the ostler, and stretching out his hand to thelawyer, "My good friend Clarke," said he, "how came you hither? Can yousolve this knotty point which has involved us all in such confusion?"

  Tom forthwith began a very circumstantial recapitulation of what hadhappened to his uncle; in what manner he had been disappointed of theestate; how he had accidentally seen his honour, been enamoured of hischaracter, and become ambitious of following his example. Then herelated the particulars of the plan which had been laid down to diverthim from his design, and concluded with assuring the knight, that thecaptain was a very honest man, though he seemed to be a little disorderedin his intellects. "I believe it," replied Sir Launcelot; "madness andhonesty are not incompatible--indeed, I feel it by experience."

  Tom proceeded to ask pardon, in his uncle's name, for having made so freewith the knight's armour; and begged his honour, for the love of God,would use his authority with Crowe, that he might quit all thoughts ofknight-errantry, for which he was by no means qualified; for, beingtotally ignorant of the laws of the land, he would be continuallycommitting trespasses, and bring himself into trouble. He said, in casehe should prove refractory, he might be apprehended by virtue of afriendly warrant, for having feloniously carried off the knight'saccoutrements. "Taking away another man's moveables," said he, "andpersonal goods against the will of the owner, is furtum and felonyaccording to the statute. Different indeed from robbery, which impliesputting in fear in the king's highway, in alta via regia violenter etfelonice captum et asportatum, in magnum terrorem, etc.; for if therobbery be laid in the indictment, as done in quadam via pedestri, in afootpath, the offender will not be ousted of his clergy. It must be inalta via regia; and your honour will please to take notice, thatrobberies committed on the river Thames are adjudged as done in alta viaregia; for the king's highstream is all the same as the king's highway."

  Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at Tom's learned investigation. Hecongratulated him on the progress he had made in the study of the law.He expressed his concern at the strange turn the captain had taken, andpromised to use his influence in persuading him to desist from thepreposterous design he had formed.

  The lawyer, thus assured, repaired immediately to the church, accompaniedby the squire, and held a parley with his uncle, who, when he understoodthat the knight in person desired a conference, surrendered up the armsquietly, and returned to the public-house.

  Sir Launcelot received the honest seaman with his usual complacency; andperceiving great discomposure in his looks, said, he was sorry to hear hehad passed such a disagreeable night to so little purpose. Crowe, havingrecruited his spirits with a bumper of brandy, thanked him for hisconcern, and observed, that he had passed many a hard night in his time;but such another as this, he would not be bound to weather for thecommand of the whole British navy. "I have seen Davy Jones in the shapeof a blue flame, d'ye see, hopping to and fro on the sprit-sail yardarm;and I've seen your Jacks o' the Lanthorn, and Wills o' the Wisp, and manysuch spirits, both by sea and land. But to-night I've been boarded byall the devils and d--ned souls in hell, squeaking and squalling, andglimmering and glaring. Bounce went the door--crack went the pew--crashcame the tackle--white-sheeted ghosts dancing in one corner by theglow-worm's light--black devils hobbling in another--Lord have mercy uponus! and I was hailed, Tom, I was, by my grandmother Jane, and my auntBridget, d'ye see--a couple of d--n'd--but they're roasting; that's onecomfort, my lad."

  When he had thus disburdened his conscience, Sir Launcelot introducedthe subject of the new occupation at which he aspired. "I understand,"said he, "that you are desirous of treading the paths of errantry,which, I assure you, are thorny and troublesome. Nevertheless, asyour purpose is to exercise your humanity and benevolence, so yourambition is commendable. But towards the practice of chivalry, there issomething more required than the virtues of courage and generosity. Aknight-errant ought to understand the sciences, to be master of ethics ormorality, to be well versed in theology, a complete casuist, and minutelyacquainted with the laws of his country. He should not only be patientof cold, hunger, and fatigue, righteous, just, and valiant, but alsochaste, religious, temperate, polite, and conversable; and have all hispassions under the rein, except love, whose empire he should submissivelyacknowledge." He said, this was the very essence of chivalry; and no manhad ever made such a profession of arms, without first having placed hisaffection upon some beauteous object, for whose honour, and at whosecommand, he would cheerfully encounter the most dreadful perils.

  He took notice, that nothing could be more irregular than the manner inwhich Crowe had attempted to keep his vigil. For he had never served hisnovitiate--he had not prepared himself with abstinence and prayer--he hadnot provided a qualified godfather for the ceremony of dubbing--he had noarmour of his own to wake; but, on the very threshold of chivalry, whichis the perfection of justice, had unjustly purloined the arms of anotherknight. That this was a mere mockery of a religious institution, andtherefore unpleasing in the sight of Heaven; witness the demons andhobgoblins that were permitted to disturb and torment him in his trial.

  Crowe having listened to these remarks with earnest attention, replied,after some hesitation, "I am bound to you, brother, for your kind andChristian counsel--I doubt as how I've steered by a wrong chart, d'yesee--as for the mat
ter of the sciences, to be sure, I know Plain Sailingand Mercator; and am an indifferent good seaman, thof I say it thatshould not say it. But as to all the rest, no better than the viol-blockor the geer-capstan. Religion I han't much overhauled; and we tars laughat your polite conversation, thof, mayhap, we can chaunt a few ballads tokeep the hands awake in the night watch; then for chastity, brother, Idoubt that's not expected in a sailor just come ashore, after a longvoyage--sure all those poor hearts won't be d--ned for steering in thewake of nature. As for a sweetheart, Bet Mizen of St. Catherine's wouldfit me to a hair--she and I are old messmates; and what signifiestalking, brother, she knows already the trim of my vessel, d'ye see." Heconcluded with saying, he thought he wa'n't too old to learn; and if SirLauncelot would take him in tow as his tender, he would stand by him allweathers, and it should not cost his consort a farthing's expense.

  The knight said, he did not think himself of consequence enough to havesuch a pupil, but should always be ready to give him his best advice; asa specimen of which, he exhorted him to weigh all the circumstances, anddeliberate calmly and leisurely, before he actually engaged in such aboisterous profession; assuring him, that if, at the end of three months,his resolution should continue, he would take upon himself the office ofhis instructor. In the meantime he gratified the hostess for hislodging, put on his armour, took leave of the company, and, mountingBronzomarte, proceeded southerly, being attended by his squire Crabshaw,grumbling, on the back of Gilbert.