The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER NINE

  WHICH MAY SERVE TO SHOW, THAT TRUE PATRIOTISM IS OF NO PARTY.

  The knight had not enjoyed his repose above two hours, when he wasdisturbed by such a variety of noises, as might have discomposed a brainof the firmest texture. The rumbling of carriages, and the rattling ofhorses' feet on the pavement, was intermingled with loud shouts, and thenoise of fiddle, French horn, and bagpipe. A loud peal was heard ringingin the church tower, at some distance, while the inn resounded withclamour, confusion, and uproar.

  Sir Launcelot being thus alarmed, started from his bed, and running tothe window, beheld a cavalcade of persons well mounted, and distinguishedby blue cockades. They were generally attired like jockies, withgold-laced hats and buckskin breeches, and one of them bore a standard ofblue silk, inscribed in white letters, LIBERTY AND THE LANDED INTEREST.He who rode at their head was a jolly figure, of a florid complexion andround belly, seemingly turned of fifty, and, in all appearance, of acholeric disposition. As they approached the market-place, they wavedtheir hats, huzzaed, and cried aloud, NO FOREIGN CONNEXIONS!--OLD ENGLANDFOR EVER! This acclamation, however, was not so loud or universal, butthat our adventurer could distinctly hear a counter-cry from the populaceof, NO SLAVERY!--NO POPISH PRETENDER! an insinuation so ill relished bythe cavaliers, that they began to ply their horsewhips among themultitude, and were, in their turn, saluted with a discharge or volley ofstones, dirt, and dead cats; in consequence of which some teeth weredemolished, and many surtouts defiled.

  Our adventurer's attention was soon called off from this scene, tocontemplate another procession of people on foot, adorned with bunches oforange ribbons, attended by a regular band of music, playing God savegreat George our King, and headed by a thin swarthy personage, of asallow aspect, and large goggling eyes, arched over with two thicksemicircles of hair, or rather bristles, jet black, and frowsy. Hisapparel was very gorgeous, though his address was very awkward; he wasaccompanied by the mayor, recorder, and heads of the corporation, intheir formalities. His ensigns were known by the inscription, Liberty ofConscience, and the Protestant Succession; and the people saluted him ashe passed with repeated cheers, that seemed to prognosticate success. Hehad particularly ingratiated himself with the good women, who lined thestreet, and sent forth many ejaculatory petitions in his favour.

  Sir Launcelot immediately comprehended the meaning of this solemnity. Heperceived it was the prelude to the election of a member to represent thecounty in parliament, and he was seized with an eager desire to know thenames and characters of the competitors.

  In order to gratify this desire, he made repeated application to thebell-rope that depended from the ceiling of his apartment; but thisproduced nothing, except the repetition of the words, "Coming, sir,"which echoed from three or four different corners of the house. Thewaiters were so distracted by a variety of calls, that they stoodmotionless, in the state of the schoolman's ass between two bundles ofhay, incapable of determining where they should first offer theirattendance.

  Our knight's patience was almost exhausted, when Crabshaw entered theroom, in a very strange equipage. One half of his face appeared closeshaved, and the other covered with lather, while the blood trickled intwo rivulets from his nose, upon a barber's cloth that was tucked underhis chin; he looked grim with indignation, and under his left arm carriedhis cutlass, unsheathed. Where he had acquired so much of the professionof knight-errantry we shall not pretend to determine; but certain it is,he fell on his knees before Sir Launcelot, crying, with an accent ofgrief and distraction, "In the name of St. George for England, I beg aboon, Sir Knight, and thy compliance I demand, before the peacock and theladies."

  Sir Launcelot, astonished at this address, replied in a lofty strain,"Valiant squire, thy boon is granted, provided it doth not contravene thelaws of the land, and the constitution of chivalry." "Then I craveleave," answered Crabshaw, "to challenge and defy to mortal combat thatcaitiff barber who hath left me in this piteous condition; and I vow bythe peacock, that I will not shave my beard, until I have shaved his headfrom his shoulders. So may I thrive in the occupation of an arrantsquire."

  Before his master had time to inquire into particulars, they were joinedby a decent man in boots, who was likewise a traveller, and had seen therise and progress of Timothy's disaster. He gave the knight tounderstand, that Crabshaw had sent for a barber, and already undergoneone half of the operation, when the operator received the long-expectedmessage from both the gentlemen who stood candidates at the election.The double summons was no sooner intimated to him, than he threw down hisbason, and retired with precipitation, leaving the squire in the suds.Timothy, incensed at this desertion, followed him with equal celerityinto the street, where he collared the shaver, and insisted upon beingentirely trimmed, on pain of the bastinado. The other finding himselfthus arrested, and having no time to spare for altercation, lifted up hisfist, and discharged it upon the snout of Crabshaw with such force, thatthe unfortunate aggressor was fain to bite the ground, while the victorhastened away, in hope of touching the double wages of corruption.

  The knight being informed of these circumstances, told Timothy with asmile, that he should have liberty to defy the barber; but, in themeantime, he ordered him to saddle Bronzomarte, and prepare for immediateservice. While the squire was thus employed, his master engaged inconversation with the stranger, who happened to be a London dealertravelling for orders, and was well acquainted with the particulars whichour adventurer wanted to know.

  It was from this communicative tradesman he learned, that the competitorswere Sir Valentine Quickset and Mr. Isaac Vanderpelft; the first a merefox-hunter, who depended for success in his election upon his interestamong the high-flying gentry; the other a stock jobber and contractor offoreign extract, not without a mixture of Hebrew blood, immensely rich,who was countenanced by his Grace of----, and supposed to havedistributed large sums in securing a majority of votes among the yeomanryof the county, possessed of small freeholds, and copyholders, a greatnumber of which last resided in this borough. He said these weregenerally dissenters and weavers; and that the mayor, who was himself amanufacturer, had received a very considerable order for exportation, inconsequence of which it was believed he would support Mr. Vanderpelftwith all his influence and credit.

  Sir Launcelot, roused at this intelligence, called for his armour, whichbeing buckled on in a hurry, he mounted his steed, attended by Crabshawon Gilbert, and rode immediately into the midst of the multitude by whichthe hustings were surrounded, just as Sir Valentine Quickset began toharangue the people from an occasional theatre, formed of a planksupported by the upper board of the public stocks, and an inferior rib ofa wooden cage pitched also for the accommodation of petty delinquents.

  Though the singular appearance of Sir Launcelot at first attracted theeyes of all the spectators, yet they did not fail to yield attention tothe speech of his brother-knight, Sir Valentine, which ran in thefollowing strain:--"Gentlemen vreeholders of this here county, I shan'tpretend to meake a vine flourishing speech--I'm a plain-spoken man, asyou all know. I hope I shall always speak my maind without vear orvavour, as the zaying is. 'T is the way of the Quicksets--we are noupstarts, nor vorreigners, nor have we any Jewish blood in our veins; wehave lived in this here neighbourhood time out of mind, as you all know,and possess an estate of vive thousand clear, which we spend at whoam,among you, in old English hospitality. All my vorevathers have beenparliament-men, and I can prove that ne'er a one o' um gave a zingle votefor the court since the Revolution. Vor my own peart, I value not theministry three skips of a louse, as the zaying is--I ne'er knew but oneminister that was an honest man, and vor all the rest, I care not if theywere hanged as high as Haman, with a pox to' un. I am, thank God, avree-born, true-hearted Englishman, and a loyal, thof unworthy, son ofthe Church--vor all they have done vor H----r, I'd vain know what theyhave done vor the Church, with a vengeance--vor my own peart, I hateall vorreigners and vorreign measures, whereby this poor na
tion isbroken-backed with a dismal load of debt, and the taxes rise so high thatthe poor cannot get bread. Gentlemen vreeholders of this county, I valueno minister a vig's end, d'ye see; if you will vavour me with your votesand interest, whereby I may be returned, I'll engage one half of myestate that I never cry yea to your shillings in the pound, but willcross the ministry in everything, as in duty bound, and as becomes anhonest vreeholder in the ould interest--but, if you sell your votes andyour country for hire, you will be detested in this here world, anddamned in the next to all eternity: so I leave every man to his ownconscience."

  This eloquent oration was received by his own friends with loud peals ofapplause, which, however, did not discourage his competitor, who,confident of his own strength, ascended the rostrum, or, in other words,an old cask, set upright for the purpose. Having bowed all round to theaudience, with a smile of gentle condescension, he told them howambitious he was of the honour to represent this county in parliament,and how happy he found himself in the encouragement of his friends, whohad so unanimously agreed to support his pretensions. He said, over andabove the qualifications he possessed among them, he had fourscorethousand pounds in his pocket, which he had acquired by commerce, thesupport of the nation, under the present happy establishment, in defenceof which he was ready to spend the last farthing. He owned himself afaithful subject to his Majesty King George, sincerely attached to theProtestant succession, in detestation and defiance of a popish, anabjured, and outlawed Pretender; and declared that he would exhaust hissubstance and his blood, if necessary, in maintaining the principles ofthe glorious Revolution. "This," cried he, "is the solid basis andfoundation upon which I stand."

  These last words had scarce proceeded from his mouth, when the head ofthe barrel or puncheon on which he stood, being frail and infirm, gaveway, so that down he went with a crash, and in a twinkling disappearedfrom the eyes of the astonished beholders. The fox-hunters, perceivinghis disaster, exclaimed, in the phrase and accent of the chase, "Stoleaway! stole away!" and with hideous vociferation, joined in the sylvanchorus which the hunters halloo when the hounds are at fault.

  The disaster of Mr. Vanderpelft was soon repaired by the assiduity of hisfriends, who disengaged him from the barrel in a trice, hoisted him onthe shoulders of four strong weavers, and, resenting the unmannerlyexultation of their antagonists, began to form themselves in order ofbattle.

  An obstinate fray would have undoubtedly ensued, had not their mutualindignation given way to their curiosity, at the motion of our knight,who had advanced into the middle between the two fronts, and waving hishand as a signal for them to give attention, addressed himself to them,with graceful demeanour, in these words:--"Countrymen, friends, andfellow-citizens, you are this day assembled to determine a point of theutmost consequence to yourselves and your posterity; a point that oughtto be determined by far other weapons than brutal force and factiousclamour. You, the freemen of England, are the basis of that excellentconstitution which hath long flourished the object of envy andadmiration. To you belongs the inestimable privilege of choosing adelegate properly qualified to represent you in the High Court ofParliament. This is your birthright,--inherited from your ancestors,obtained by their courage, and sealed with their blood. It is not onlyyour birthright, which you should maintain in defiance of all danger, butalso a sacred trust, to be executed with the most scrupulous care andfidelity. The person whom you trust ought not only to be endued with themost inflexible integrity, but should likewise possess a fund ofknowledge that may enable him to act as a part of the legislature. Hemust be well acquainted with the history, the constitution, and the lawsof his country; he must understand the forms of business, the extent ofthe royal prerogative, the privilege of parliament, the detail ofgovernment, the nature and regulation of the finances, the differentbranches of commerce, the politics that prevail, and the connexions thatsubsist among the different powers of Europe; for on all these subjectsthe deliberations of a House of Commons occasionally turn.

  "But these great purposes will never be answered by electing anilliterate savage, scarce qualified, in point of understanding, to act asa country justice of peace, a man who has scarce ever travelled beyondthe excursion of a fox-chase, whose conversation never rambles fartherthan his stable, his kennel, and the barnyard; who rejects decorum asdegeneracy, mistakes rusticity for independence, ascertains his courageby leaping over gates and ditches, and founds his triumph on feats ofdrinking; who holds his estate by a factious tenure, professes himselfthe blind slave of a party, without knowing the principles that gave itbirth, or the motives by which it is actuated, and thinks that allpatriotism consists in railing indiscriminately at ministers, andobstinately opposing every measure of the administration. Such a man,with no evil intentions of his own, might be used as a dangerous tool inthe hands of a desperate faction, by scattering the seeds ofdisaffection, embarrassing the wheels of government, and reducing thewhole kingdom to anarchy."

  Here the knight was interrupted by the shouts and acclamations of theVanderpelfites, who cried aloud, "Hear him! hear him! long life to theiron-cased orator." This clamour subsiding, he prosecuted his harangueto the following effect:--

  "Such a man as I have described may be dangerous from ignorance, but isneither so mischievous, nor so detestable as the wretch who knowinglybetrays his trust, and sues to be the hireling and prostitute of a weakand worthless minister; a sordid knave, without honour or principle, whobelongs to no family whose example can reproach him with degeneracy, whohas no country to command his respect, no friend to engage his affection,no religion to regulate his morals, no conscience to restrain hisiniquity, and who worships no God but Mammon; an insinuating miscreant,who undertakes for the dirtiest work of the vilest administration; whopractises national usury, receiving by wholesale the rewards of venality,and distributing the wages of corruption by retail."

  In this place our adventurer's speech was drowned in the acclamations ofthe fox-hunters, who now triumphed in their turn, and hoicksed thespeaker, exclaiming, "Well opened, Jowler--to' un, to' un again,Sweetlips! hey, Merry, Whitefoot!" After a short interruption, he thusresumed his discourse:--

  "When such a caitiff presents himself to you, like the devil, with atemptation in his hand, avoid him as if he were in fact the devil--it isnot the offering of disinterested love, for what should induce him, whohas no affections, to love you, to whose persons he is an utter stranger?alas! it is not a benevolence, but a bribe. He wants to buy you at onemarket that he may sell you at another. Without doubt his intention isto make an advantage of his purchase, and this aim he cannot accomplishbut by sacrificing, in some sort, your interest, your independency, tothe wicked designs of a minister, as he can expect no gratification forthe faithful discharge of his duty. But, even if he should not find anopportunity of selling you to advantage, the crime, the shame, theinfamy, will still be the same in you, who, baser than the most abandonedprostitutes, have sold yourselves and your posterity for hire--for apaltry price, to be refunded with interest by some minister, who willindemnify himself out of your own pockets; for, after all, you are boughtand sold with your own money--the miserable pittance you may now receiveis no more than a pitcher full of water thrown in to moisten the suckerof that pump which will drain you to the bottom. Let me therefore adviseand exhort you, my countrymen, to avoid the opposite extremes of theignorant clown and the designing courtier, and choose a man of honesty,intelligence, and moderation, who will"----

  The doctrine of moderation was a very unpopular subject in such anassembly; and, accordingly, they rejected it as one man. They began tothink the stranger wanted to set up for himself; a supposition that couldnot fail to incense both sides equally, as they were both zealouslyengaged in their respective causes. The Whigs and the Tories joinedagainst this intruder, who, being neither, was treated like a monster, orchimera in politics. They hissed, they hooted, and they hallooed; theyannoyed him with missiles of dirt, sticks, and stones; they cursed, theythreatened and reviled, t
ill, at length, his patience was exhausted.

  "Ungrateful and abandoned miscreants!" he cried, "I spoke to you as menand Christians--as free-born Britons and fellow-citizens; but I perceiveyou are a pack of venal, infamous scoundrels, and I will treat youaccordingly." So saying, he brandished his lance, and riding into thethickest of the concourse, laid about him with such dexterity and effect,that the multitude was immediately dispersed, and he retired withoutfurther molestation.

  The same good fortune did not attend squire Crabshaw in his retreat. Theludicrous singularity of his features, and the half-mown crop of hairthat bristled from one side of his countenance, invited some wags to makemerry at his expense; one of them clapped a furze-bush under the tail ofGilbert, who, feeling himself thus stimulated a posteriori, kicked andplunged, and capered in such a manner, that Timothy could hardly keep thesaddle. In this commotion he lost his cap and his periwig, while therabble pelted him in such a manner, that, before he could join hismaster, he looked like a pillar, or rather a pillory of mud.