“I’m sorry,” I squeaked out. “I just…need some…air.” I stormed out towards the back patio, leaning up against the wall as I struggled to breath. It was weird because my mind was telling me there was no rational reason why I couldn’t breath, but my body felt like it was defective in the act of doing it. Sitting at the table, I felt like someone had put me in a coffin. WTF?
John came storming out the door a few moments later. He looked around frantically until he found me.
“Jade? What’s wrong?” He waited for an answer and when I remained pressed close to the wall, gulping in air, he moved closer.
“Jade?” He examined my stance, taking in my clenched fists and heaving chest. I shook my head, trying to communicate without words that I wanted to be left alone. Knowing John, that wasn’t happening. Concern flashed through his eyes as he watched for me to snap out of whatever was happening to me. Then he gingerly gripped my shoulders and maneuvered me to a chair.
“Sit here,” he directed me. “Now, put your head between your legs. That’s it. Take deep breaths.”
The ringing in my ears lessened, and eventually I was breathing normally. I raised my head, immediately looking away from his sympathetic gaze, and then leaned back covering my face with my hands.
“Thank you,” I spoke between my fingers. John squatted down, resting one hand on my knees, and moving my hands away with the other.
“What was that?”
“I guess, I don’t know.”
“Has it happened before?”
“John, don’t worry. It’s not a big deal.” I tried to push his hand away, but he refused to move.
“It’s not a big deal, that you just freaked out in front of your family? You scared us in there.”
Feeling much better, I sprang up out of my chair causing John to jump up quickly.
“Well, I didn’t really plan it John! Sorry, but I was more concerned with breathing than my dinner table manners.”
“Jade, talk to me. Please?”
“I’m really ok now. I just needed some air. That’s all.” I knew that talking about it would make me feel worse. John just paced back and forth.
“When does Drew leave? Why don’t you come home with me,” he offered.
“The only reason Drew is here is so that I don’t have to be alone. I’m not going to bail on him, John.” But what a tempting thought...
John sighed, and then shrugged in defeat. “Ok, I can understand. I’m gonna head home, I came straight here from the airport. I just wanted to see you, but I’m beat. Can you promise that we’ll talk soon?” He pulled me into a quick hug before he turned to leave, but then stopped short.
“I promise,” I agreed with a pinky swear.
“And stay away from Edward. He’s weird. I told Drew to kick his ass if he so much as breathes on you.” Before I could respond, John turned and headed back inside like he couldn’t get away fast enough. I found that strange, considering that he showed up here unannounced. I couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around that one.
The crisp, cool evening air beckoned me to stay outside longer. Even though I told John he could go, the thought of going back inside without him there was almost unbearable. Before I could stress out on that idea anymore, I heard the patio door open. I turned my head to watch my aunt as she made her way outside.
Great! I know we needed to have a conversation, but I hadn’t mentally prepared for it. I kept secretly hoping that this was all a bad dream that I would wake up from. The question that kept plaguing me was what did I want my life to be instead?
“What are you thinking?” Aunt V asked as she sat in the chair next to mine. She played with the already perfect hem of her skirt, revealing how uncomfortable she was to have this conversation too.
I let out a heavy sigh and then let her in on my thoughts. “I keep thinking that I’m just having a bad dream, and if I am, what I wanted to wake up to.”
She didn’t respond right away, but after some thought, and a sip from her glass of wine she engaged me.
“You mean, at what part would you want the dream to have started? Back in Miami… When you first moved to New York… After you met Julian…”
I listened to her choices and they were pretty much the same as mine.
“That’s about the gist of it. I know I wouldn’t want to be back in Miami, and I wouldn’t really want to do over my first few months of adjustment to this new life of mine. The day after Julian told me he was leaving was when Drew told me about Evan and Colleen. It feels like that was the real start of it all.”
“And? What about John?” She asked.
“Well, I already knew him by then,” I answered, choosing to miss her point.
“I mean,” she said as she glared at my mock naiveté. “What about your relationship with him. You don’t consider that a nightmare, do you?”
“No, that actually seems like a totally different dream.” I sighed, remembering how ‘perfect’ our relationship seemed. Seemed.
“So, what is the problem now?”
This time I glared at her like she was crazy. I caught a glimpse of where Jackie gets her obliviousness from. Only focus on what you want to see was a mantra that they shared.
“Things are different now. He knew that Julian was in danger, but he didn’t do anything about it until I was involved. Yes, I’m grateful to him for saving me, but how am I supposed to feel that he would have let something happen to Julian? Could he have stopped things sooner? And, he refuses to tell me how the hell he even knew anything about it at all.” I reached over, taking her glass and having a sip of wine to calm my nerves.
“Jade. Since there is more you don’t know, maybe it’s not as bad as you think. Maybe he knew someone would save Julian, but he just wasn’t going to do it personally. Him being there for you was personal, because he loves you.” She spoke with so much conviction that I almost felt like asking her what she knew.
“That sounds good, but it still doesn’t explain how he knew, or why he can’t tell me. Besides that, he broke up with me for not being honest about my feelings. If honesty is so high on his list of must haves, then he needs to follow his own example.”
“I understand. It’s a screwed up situation all around,” she concurred.
I just looked at her for a long moment. She looked worn out. We still hadn’t talked about the grenade that she tossed me in the hospital, but I was also tired and worn out. I was going to wait and see if she mentioned it again, but lost my patience.
“Aunt V. Can you tell me why you never told me about my mother before?” I watched her stiffen at my question. I thought I saw her eyes turn glassy, but no tears ever fell.
“I knew you would ask me that. I don’t really have an answer other than I felt responsible. If it wasn’t for my relationship with Alex, things would have been different. I guess I didn’t expect you to understand that as a child, and I was too afraid to chance it,” she said.
“But what about when I got older?”
“When would have been a good time? When you were a rebellious teen? When your grandmother died? I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t. I’m sorry I don’t have a better answer for you.” Her voice cracked and she held her head in her hands. I didn’t like her answer, but the last thing I wanted was to argue with her.
“Well I want to let you know that I’m going to Miami for a few weeks. Detective Walsh said it would be a good idea for me to lay low until they had more information about the attack, especially since it happened right in front of my building. So I’m leaving with Drew on Monday.”
“Oh, wow! Ok, I suppose that makes sense. You could have just stayed me with, honey, but I guess Miami is better, at least you can get some sun. You're looking a trite pale these days.” Stayed with her? Yeah right!
“Hah! Thanks for noticing. Yeah, some tropical sun should do me real good.” I actually felt a pinch of excitement of my pending trip.
I stood up, letting her know I was going to leave. I needed to get
the heck out of there.
Ch 05 Return of Sweet-face
I had always been close to my brother, but I was never happier to see him than when he arrived at my door the day after Julian left. After we left my aunt’s, I gifted him with another bitch session. Why was it that my feelings, wants, or wishes meant nothing to our family? My ire at Edward’s presence didn’t fully hit me until we left. He hadn’t said a word to me, not even a ‘sorry to hear what happened to you.
Trying to fall asleep that night was a miserable task, and I eventually broke down and popped one of the prescriptions I got from my doctor in the hospital. That sucker had me knocked out almost until noon, and I was starving. Just as I was about to ask Drew if he was hungry too, my cell phone buzzed. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I checked my caller ID to see that it was, John. Hmmm.
“Hello,”
“Hi Jade,” John drawled.
“Hi John,” I mimicked his tone.
“I was hoping that you had enough time to breathe. We really need to talk, and I wanted to catch you before you left town.” John’s voice was no nonsense, and he was right. I sighed heavily before I responded to him.
“I suppose you’re right.”
“Good. Are you home? Let me take you to lunch,” he suggested. I looked around to find Drew eying me suspiciously. I mouthed ‘John’ and he nodded in understanding and headed to the kitchen.
“Ok, let’s do lunch.”
My heart was nearly pounding out of my chest, waiting for John to show up. I wanted to avoid this conversation for as long as I could, but leaving for Miami without speaking to him would have been a horrible blow to our already fragile relationship. My brother decided to make himself scarce, not wanting to bare witness to any of my drama. Thanks Bro...When my buzzer rang, the chicken shit that lived in the pit of my belly wanted to pretend that I wasn’t home. Good grief!
Well I was home and John knew it, so I let him up. I ran my fingers over my curls one last time before I opened the door. The smile that touched my lips couldn’t be helped when he stepped off the elevator. My heartstrings chimed when he smiled back.
“Hey beautiful,” he greeted me with a hug. I slid into his arms with ease, although internally there was a conflict raging greater than WW2. Was it wrong to hug him like this after all the affection I had shared with Julian? Yeah, yeah, technically I was free to do whatever I wanted, but that would have been easier to believe if my heart remained untouched by at least one of these men. John walked in and made himself comfortable on the couch. Flashbacks to the night he had asked me about Julian after I was too stupid to figure out who really sent me that beautiful bouquet of flowers, tortured my mind. Fear that he would be able to read the guilt in my eyes caused me to head to the kitchen instead of joining him in the living room.
“Do you want a drink?” I asked as I pulled out a Heineken for myself. Hey! No judging my midday drink, ok? Ok, thanks!
“I’ll have whatever you have,” he replied. I pulled out one more, opening both before heading back to the living room. When I walked out, John was standing there waiting for me. He took both of the bottles from me, setting them on the coffee table before turning back to face me.
“Hey,” John murmured, cradling my face between his large hands.
“Hi,” I replied. There was a slight tremor to my voice caused by the nostalgia that being near him evoked. John. He had been the only thing that kept me sane when it felt like everything around me was falling apart. Now there was so much upheaval around me, I didn’t know where that left us. The conflicted look in his eyes as he looked into mine, further intensified things. His eyes kept wandering to the almost faded bruise near my mouth from being manhandled. God, I don’t want his pity. Anything but pity, please!
“I don’t know what to say right now. I’m just happy to see you,” he finally spoke.
“I’m glad you’re here too.” I tried to smile through the crack in my heart. Once again John resorted to silence as he continued to hold me. Daryl Hall sang about Sara’s Smile while my insides were churning with clashing emotions. I wanted to be consumed with the comfort I found in John’s arms, but part of me felt like I should keep some distance between us until I figured out what the hell I wanted. John’s words interrupted my emotional caucus.
“Is it ok if I kiss you?” He leaned in closer before I could even answer. Not yet touching my lips, but close enough that I could smell spearmint every time he took a breath. Close enough for me to make out the hints of amber and greens that tinted his hazel eyes. Wasn’t I just thinking about distance or something? Chile’ Please! I nodded my response and then closed the distance between us. John buried both hands into my carefully styled curls, insuring that I couldn’t escape his embrace. Like I even wanted to.
Our lips slowly did a lip caressing dance before he tentatively brought his tongue into the mix. I parted my lips, allowing him in and breathed a contented sigh when he deepened the kiss. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I held him closer, taking in all of his warmth. He kissed me slowly but thoroughly enough to send errant shivers down my spine. Before things progressed to an out of control level, he pulled away. Much like the kisses when I was in high school that were harmless, but still left me breathless.
“I guess I could show you better than I could tell you,” he joked. I laughed, turning to pick up my beer and taking a much needed sip.
“Well, you sure showed me..” I took another big gulp before taking a seat on the couch. John picked up his beer and sat with his back to the armrest so that he could face me.
“So,” he threw out as a starter.
“You first,” I countered.
“How did I find you?” He already knew what I wanted to hear. I sat quietly, waiting for him to continue.
“Jade it’s really complicated. Ryan is my cousin. He is working a case and one of my clients names got mixed up in it, so I was working it with him. We tend to help each other out like that, you know? So while we were trying to piece shit together, he got a tip and I recognized Julian’s name as the owner of Echo. When I called Jackie to find out if you were ok, she said you were at the club. I put two and two together that you were with him when you didn’t answer.”
“So you were working with Ryan? But what about his tip? And who is your client?” I guess the resemblance made sense now, but there were a few holes in his story.
“Yeah, I was working with Ryan. I can’t give you the details on his case Jade.”
I sat back with my arms folded across my chest. This tidbit of information only piqued my curiosity, but I understood he couldn’t tell me the details. I just wished he would trust me enough for us to share secrets. John mistook my brooding for acceptance and moved on to his next subject.
“Jade. Before I can ask where things are with us, I need to know where things are for you.”
“What do you mean?” There was no way I could answer any questions unless they were direct.
“What happened? I mean yes, I know what happened, but how did you get there?” He put his beer down and settled back, folding his arms across his chest. I stared at him for a moment before I answered. I was trying to remember that I hadn’t done anything wrong so there was no need to hide anything. I took a long breath before I started.
“The night everything went down, I had just finished having dinner with Evan. It was sort of like closure, I guess. Afterwards I didn’t want to go back home to sulk, so I told Drew and Jackie to meet me at the club,” I paused for a moment, lost in my memories from that night. The glint of anger that flashed across his face wasn’t lost on me, but I continued.
“So we met at Echo. I had no idea that Julian was going to be there, but he was. He took me to his office to talk and that’s where shit went wrong. Jackie and Drew left me, figuring that I wanted time to talk to him, and then I couldn’t get a taxi so I walked home. By the time I got there he was waiting for me, pissed because I snuck out on him. It was raining so we got into his car to talk, beca
use he had a driver waiting, and... and then...” I wasn’t able to finish the rest. John just frowned and shook his head as he processed my words. He looked like he was brimming with questions, but said nothing, just took my hand into his.
“So, where were you guys supposed to be going to talk?” His question was laced with accusation.
“I don’t know John. By that time I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even think. There was just so much going on, and I wanted to get out off the rain. I wasn’t really thinking.”
“But what was so overwhelming? Was he forcing you to go with him?” John’s intensity was slightly alarming and I grabbed my beer deciding I didn’t want to sit down anymore.
“No. He wasn’t forcing me. It was just weird to see him back, and he was talking crazy. Saying he wanted to make sure I was safe, that he wanted to explain why he left, and how he wanted me to leave with him.”
“You were going to leave with him?” He practically yelled. WTF? Was this his intention all along, just grill me about Julian?
“What?” I wasn’t going to guess what was going on in his crazy mind.
“I mean you got in the car. So was that the plan?” He tried to sound more nonchalant, but it was too late for that.
“No, that wasn’t the plan. I had no plan. I was just too tired to fight.” My voice was filled with agitation and I had long since stopped pacing to glare at him.
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 5