“Tired? I’m sorry if i’m tripping, but you hadn’t seen him in months, so what was the big deal? What was the urgency?”
“I think I’m done answering questions cause they just keep getting more annoying as we go. No offense.” I took the last swig off my drink and slammed my bottle down. John jumped off the couch like a mad man.
“No dammit! I have the right to ask. You swore to me that there was nothing going on with you guys. Then he fucking reappears and all hell breaks lose. So, yeah. I wanna know why!”
“Then maybe you should have a conversation with Julian,” I snapped.
“Maybe I will!” He shot back.
“Excellent! Because I don’t know what you want from me. If you have a specific concern just come on with it, cause picking apart everything I say is ridiculous.What is your point?” I yelled.
“You were supposed to be mine!” he growled, standing inches away from me. My entire being shook with fragments of intense feelings.
“You didn’t want me! Remember?” I cried. John sighed, moving closer to pull me into his arms, but I moved away.
“No! You broke up with me!” I shook with all the pent up anger and frustration from the series of emotional events that had taken place in such a short span. This time when he pulled me closer I didn’t fight it.
“And look what happened. The first time he shows up... That was my fear. That you still wanted him, and I was just filling the void.” His voice was much more subdued, but filled with resentment.
“I didn’t want to feel anything for him. He left as soon as anything even started between us, and I just wanted to move on. And I wasn’t just filling a void with you, John. What I felt, what we had, every moment of it was special to me. Please don’t take that away.” I looked up at him to see the hurt and sadness in his eyes and it shredded me. I never wanted John to be hurt, but in avoiding my feelings for Julian that’s exactly what happened.
John let me go, turning away and running his hands through his hair in frustration. God, he is so sexy...He began to pace the floor, lost in his own thoughts. I moved back over to the couch, pulling the throw blanket over me. My shoulders sagged with sheer exhaustion and I prayed that he didn’t start with anymore questions. Not even Mother Theresa would have been able to deal with all that.
“Seems like we’re back to square one,” he said when he finally snapped out of it. I dared to ask him another question so I just raised my eyebrows in question, and waited for him to continue instead.
“Back to when I first met this beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile and sad eyes. All I wanted was to make your eyes sparkle for me, but I ignored all those times when the sadness crept back in. I thought I could fix whatever made you hurt, but I wasn’t enough.” His words struck me to my soul. I couldn’t even wipe the tears away as fast as they were pouring from my eyes.
“You can’t fix what’s broken inside me, only I can do that,” I sniffed.
“What can I do?” He asked almost like a plea. He crawled under the blanket settling next to me with one arm wrapped around me.”
“Be my friend again,” I answered. I couldn’t ask for much more.
“I’ve always been your friend, sweetface,” he drawled as he snuggled up to me.
“Hey!” I laughed at him stealing his own nickname.
“It suits you much better.”
I couldn’t believe that John was here now. It did seem like we were back at the beginning, and I wondered how things would be different this time. My growling stomach interrupted my wayward thoughts.
“I guess it’s time for me to pay up on my offer to feed you,” John teased as he tapped my belly.
“Please. My stomach is already cursing you out!”
Ch 06 Hopeful
Lunch with John was fun. We kept it light, heading to a pizzeria that boasted to be the first to open in NY with the best pizza. Hands Down! We didn’t delve into our precarious relationship status, but the tension was still there, breakdancing between us.
“So what now, John?” I asked after our plates had been cleared from the table.
“I want you to let me in,” he spoke in a gentle tone.
“You cut me off, remember?”
“You know what I mean. Last week in the hospital, you wouldn’t let me near you,” he reminded me.
Suddenly I was tired of sitting at that table. I started to gather my things, signaling to John that it was time to leave. We both donned our coats and headed out into the brisk autumn afternoon. It was Sunday, so the streets were less crowded than the usual weekday mass of bodies and blaring car horns.
“I miss you,” he blurted out as he stopped to stand in front of me.
“I miss you too,” I admitted.
“We had something special. Do you think we can ever have that again?” His question brought several images of the last few weeks to mind. Me crying into my pillow, Julian, the attack, and Julian.
“I don’t know. A lot has happened in such a short time. Things have changed, you know.”
“Maybe we can make something new? A different kind of special.” He traced his fingertips across my cheek, brushing my wild curls away from my face. All kinds of feelings raced through me. Hope, fear, and guilt rounded out the top three. This was just like how we started before, except this time he knew the situation with Julian.
“I know you’re scared, but this time we’ll take it slow. Give you time to work out your feelings and whatever else you need to.” His eyes spoke volumes and I wondered if maybe he did know.
“I’m leaving for Miami tomorrow night. Ryan thought it would be the best thing for me to do right now.” Yeah, I changed the subject.
“OK. Well I can come visit and we can take it from there,” he offered.
“That can work.” I agreed with a weak smile. He flashed his usual killer grin at me and a little bit of the ice melted off of my heart. His hand that was caressing my cheek snaked around to the back of my neck, first gently touching me then pulling me closer. My heart rate shot up as I anticipated his kiss. John’s eyes darkened as our faces drew nearer, causing my breath to catch in my throat. I was so scared of this. I didn’t want to hurt him again and I didn’t want to get hurt. Our lips touched and even more memories came to me. Memories of us.
“John,” I whispered against his lips.
“Yes,” he groaned as he continued to suck and nibble my bottom lip.
“I’m scared.”
“Me too,” he replied as he continued to enjoy my lips.
Eventually we pulled apart and John hailed me a cab. Once inside, I leaned my head against the seat marveling at how each step I made took me deeper into trouble.
Heading home, I was mentally exhausted, and I couldn’t wait to crawl back into my bed. When I walked into my apartment, Drew was waiting for me with a suspicious grin.
“So, how was lunch?”
“Hello to you too,” I quipped as I hung up my coat and made my way to the couch.
“Hey Jade. So?”
“Lunch was interesting. We are going to take things slow. See if we can work things out.”
“Interesting. I like that word. That’s cool. I had a very interesting convo today too.” He put his feet up, waiting for me to take the bait he was offering.
“Um… OK. What about?”
“Oh, well funny you should ask. See, it’s like this. I was sitting here watching TV and all of a sudden this chirping started coming from the couch.”
I sat up, suddenly remembering my bat phone.
“So I’m looking around and realize it’s coming from between the cushions.”
“Where is it? Give me my phone.”
“Hold on, lil lady. So I find this fancy ass phone poking out of the seat cushion of the chaise lounge. I must admit I was intrigued so I answered it.” He couldn’t contain his smile as I approached him with my hand out.
“Give it!” This felt just like one of our childhood squabbles.
“Well let me finish
,” he said as he twirled the phone with his long fingers.
“Drew!”
“I answer and I get this deep Spanish accent asking me “who the hell is this”. So I’m like no sir “who the hell are you?” Well after we exchanged pleasantries, Me and Jules had a great conversation. I must admit. You do have great taste in men. I wasn’t so sure about him before, but I like him. He’s a funny guy.”
“Oh my God! What did you talk about?” I was mortified and amused all at once.
“Oh, you know. Football, women, YOU.”
“What about me?” I demanded.
“Nope, that was an A and B conversation. Sorry.”
I rolled my eyes at him and returned Julian’s phone call.
“Hola, mi amor,” Julian’s sexy voice greeted me.
“Hi. Sorry I missed your call earlier.”
“Not like you would have been able to answer it,” Drew mumbled underneath his breath. I shot him one last dirty look and took my call upstairs.
“It’s not like I gave you that phone so that I could call you or anything,” Julian teased.
“Stop it. I promise, this phone will never leave my sight, from this moment on.”
“Ah, the prodigal promise.”
“C’mon! So anyway, I heard you spoke with my brother.”
“Oh yeah, at least I made a new friend. He’s really funny.”
“Yeah, that’s what he said about you. Care to share what you guys talked about.”
“Nothing really. Just what a wonderful person you are. We have a lot in common.”
“You know what? You can both kiss my ass!” I laughed in spite of my annoyance.
“Well that might be a lil bit awkward for him, but I would love to,” Julian replied.
“Oh, just shut up!”
“It’s so good to hear your voice,” he said with a more sober tone.
“Your’s too,” I whispered. I was sprawled across my bed, smiling into my pillow.
“I miss you like you wouldn’t believe. Especially your snoring.”
“Oh whatever. Do you think you don’t snore? Because, senior, I will have you know that you do.”
We continued our friendly fire banter until my battery signaled for a truce.
“Keep that thing charged and ready to go. Just like you always are for me.”
“Oh, Jules. You say the sweetest things.”
“Adios, my love.”
“Bye Jules.”
Whose life is this? Grabbing my house phone, I decided to give Donna a buzz.
“Jade!!! What’s going on chica? How are you feeling?”
“I’m, OK. I wanted to give you a heads up to get our usual tomorrow morning. I’ll bring an extra treat.”
“Yes! I’ve been going through some serious withdrawals without our morning fix. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Same here!” I was excited to see Donna. She was my only ‘sane’ friend.
After that call I had one more to make. I pulled out Ryan’s business card and called his cell. He answered on the second ring.
“Walsh.”
“Hi Ryan? It’s Jade Spencer.” I don’t know why I felt so nervous.
“Ms. Spencer. How can I help you?”
“Um, well, I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving for Miami tomorrow. I’m also going to find a therapist while I’m there. I have a lot of things to work out.” Lord knows why I divulged that last bit of info.
“That’s good to hear. Not the part about having a lot to work out, but it’s good that you're going to see someone,” he stammered.
“Thanks. I should be gone for a few weeks. So I’ll let you know when I get back in town.”
“That’s great. You can call me to check in. Let me know how MIA is treating you, or if anything suspicious happens.”
“OK. Sounds like a plan,” I agreed.
“Take care Jade,” he said with a smile in his voice.
“Thanks!”
Somehow that brief call had me feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
After taking a second shower to relax, I walked out of the bathroom to find Drew propped up in my bed, reading one of my magazines. He peered at me over the top of the latest edition of Vogue.
“Any fall looks catch your eye?” I plopped down next to him.
“Yea, these skinny jeans will really be a hit on me. Not so much you.”
“No? No nut huggers for you? I’m so surprised.”
“Ha! Very funny. I plan on having kids one day.” He tossed the mag on the ground, placing his hands behind his head as he leaned back into the pillows.
“Aw man! I thought you were here to tell me a bedtime story,” I pouted.
“Nope, but I was hoping to get one out of you.”
There was a long pause as Drew waited for my reply. I groaned as I rolled over onto my side.
“What kind of story would that be?”
“Well let’s see. You can tell me about Julian. Let’s start there.” Drew seemed to make himself even more comfortable than he already was.
“What? What about Julian?” I tried to pretend I didn’t understand the question.
“I want to know what happened that night in the club, and what you did all this week when I was gone. When we talked on the phone, you sounded good. Then I get here and you're in a freakin’ comatose state. So, what I’m askin’ is, what is going on with you, because you didn’t even react that badly after your break with John? Why don’t you fill a brother in?”
“Damn!” I was stunned, because Drew was never that direct with me.
“Oh. Real talk. Let’s go. Right now,” he clipped out.
“Drew. I don’t know.” That’s all I had.
“EH!! Wrong answer,” he bellowed like a game show announcer.
“Cmon! Ok. When I saw him that night I was furious. It was then that it hit me just how much him leaving hurt me. I knew it affected me, clearly ruined my relationship with John, but I never realized how much it hurt. Then he was asking me to let him explain, and begging me to go with him. I didn’t know what to feel. It’s so hard to explain, Drew.” I grabbed a pillow, crushing it over my head.
“So even though you were crazy mad at him, you still let him say what he had to say. And you still kissed him. Correct?”
“Ugh! Correct.”
“So what about these last few days?” He was on a roll here. I sat up to better glare at him.
“Drew, do you have a point here?”
“Don’t answer a question with a question, Baby girl,” he teased.
“Fine! We kept each other company. We were both lonely, and yeah, we kept each other company.”
“Company? Interesting word.”
“What’s so damn interesting about it.” I snapped
“Nothing, just wonderin why Jackie couldn’t keep you company. She only lives like ten minutes away,” he pointed out.
“I didn’t feel like going through all the hoopla that is Jackie. I just wanted to chill, take my mind of shit.”
“And the dude you went through it with was your best option?”
“What.The.Fuck! Enough with the questions already. If you wanna say something just say it!”
My outburst was followed by a swat from Drew’s pillow, knocking me backwards into the bed.
“Take it easy, mini gangster. I’m asking cause I’m fuckin’ confused by you, and I’m trying to understand this shit. You're the logical one, so when you stop functioning in a logical like manner, It’s a little disturbing.”
I remained silent, tossing his pillow back at him.
“I’ve never seen you act like this. You get this look on your face when you see him, and I can tell when you’re thinking about him cause of that look. I thought you and JB were the real deal, even after the break-up, but when I saw you and this dude at Echo… Are you in love with him?”
“Oh, God!” I grabbed my own pillow, wringing it the way I wanted to wring his neck for aski
ng all these questions.
“I love being around him. OK? He’s intense, but he’s fun too. When I’m with him, it’s like nothing else exists, but we’ve never had time to see where it would go. Besides, there’s this little issue with someone trying to kill him.” I closed my eyes against the memories of the past few days as my words settled in my stomach like cold noodles.
“And what about John? Why were you so mad at him?” Drew continued with his emotional interrogation, and I felt my rational mind fraying at the seams. These were thoughts and feelings that I entertained in doses. The thought of John and the night we broke up invited my tears to the party. I tried to staunch them with the corner of my t-shirt, but it was too late because my nose was already running.
“I’m mad because he just cut me off. One day we can’t be without each other and the next it was over. No warning, no chance for me to explain, he was done. I should have been with him that night. Not out with Evan or running into Jules.” I covered my face with my hands to hide my ugly cry face. I hated to cry in front of Drew, and always managed to avoid it in the past.
“J… c’mon don’t cry. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do right now. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he apologized as he stroked my arm, eventually pulling me into a big bear hug.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I sobbed. “All I want to do is cry. I don’t know why I feel how I feel from one minute to the next. I know how I think things should be, but the way I feel doesn’t match. I had a panic attack in the police station when Ryan asked me if I was going to therapy. It felt like the room was shrinking around me and I was going to suffocate if I didn’t get outside. I told him I didn’t want to talk about therapy, but obviously I need it!”
“You have to give yourself a break, J. Stop trying to force your round parts into this square pegs. You don’t have to be perfect anymore. I know it’s hard, but you have to let all that go. Granny is not here to judge you, and Evan is history. It’s ok to be YOU now. Therapy is good. It’s helps, trust me.”
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 6