Written in the Stars

by Ali Harris

  I blush as I blow out the candles and clap them all for their singing.

  ‘And many more!’ finishes Glenda in her best Welsh soprano.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re all here,’ I say, turning and wagging my finger at a guilty-looking Sal and Tim who have clearly conspired to get everyone together.

  ‘You can’t be mad at me; I might get upset and go into labour prematurely!’ Sal says, holding her hands up.

  ‘Please don’t do that,’ Tim pleads, his face a picture of panic, and everyone laughs.

  ‘Your birthday breakfast is served,’ Nick says with a bow, coming out of the kitchen with a tray of pastries. ‘Now for your gift,’ he says as he rises up again. ‘This is a joint present from all of us.’

  It’s a beautiful coffee-table garden design book. One I’ve been wanting for ages.

  ‘Oh, I love it,’ I say, beaming at everyone.

  ‘Open the card!’ Sal chants and I tear it open. I laugh as I read the front. ‘Born to garden, forced to work’. Inside it is another card.

  ‘It’s membership to Kew Gardens!’ I exclaim. ‘This is perfect.’ I smile at Nick and then at them all, genuinely touched by their thoughtfulness. ‘Thank you, everyone!’

  I arrive on Loni’s doorstep after lunch the next day. All the way here I’ve been trying to work out how to tell her that I want to find my dad. I thought she’d confront me about it on the day I texted her for his Cley address, but she is so preoccupied these days that if she had wanted to know why, she certainly wasn’t bothered by the time I got back. I’m worried that explaining what I want to do might lead me to tell her that I’m seeing Kieran again. And I’m just not ready to do that.

  Besides, Googling the address Father Joe gave me did provide me with some answers. Albeit confusing ones. I discovered it’s a residential home in a city called Garden Grove, north of Orange County. Aside from the name, which I could instantly see would appeal to Dad, it made no sense. He was forty-seven when he left us; old, by Loni’s standards – and in my and Cal’s recollections – but certainly not ready for an old people’s home. Besides, the place didn’t become one until three years after he left us. Before that it was privately owned. Maybe Dad had just gone for a holiday to visit a friend. Maybe he’d moved out there for good. I’m not sure I’ll ever know. I keep mulling over Kieran’s idea to fly out there together as part of ‘Operation Adventure’, to do the crazy Californian road trip. But aside from my financial circumstances (my part-time flower shop wage definitely won’t cover a flight to California – not to mention a couple of weeks off) I’m sure there must be a better way. I know I could ask Loni, but surely if she knew where he was she would have told me? Then there’s the other question that’s been niggling me. Loni still uses Dad’s name and she’s never divorced him. She’s always told Cal and me that she tried for a while to trace him so she could send him the divorce papers. We told her that there are ways to divorce a missing person but she said it didn’t seem that important ‘It’s not like I’m ever going to get married again.’

  ‘Bea, darling?’ Loni says, looking at me in surprise as she opens the door, as if she’s forgotten she has a daughter at all. Her hair looks wilder than usual, like it’s been given some sort of electric-shock treatment. And she doesn’t appear to be dressed in actual clothes, just a dressing gown that’s she’s obviously hastily pulled on in a hurry over her knickers and a yoga vest.

  ‘A hello would be nice,’ I say, leaning forward to cover her up. After a beat, she gathers my face in her hands and kisses me enthusiastically.

  ‘You’re er, early, come in!’ she says, glancing up the stairs before ushering me into her chaotic house. ‘I was just about to do some yoga.’

  ‘Is that what they call it these days.’ I smile, dropping my bag in the hallway. She’s acting like a teenager caught having sex by her parents.

  ‘Yes, darling, it is,’ she says, wagging her finger at me. ‘Although admittedly that is the umbrella term and there are lots of different trendy methods like vinyasa and ashtanga and Bikram, so people nowadays often refer to those rather than the overall discipline itself . . .’ Loni’s eyes flicker upstairs again and she shuts the door to her office as we pass and then envelops me in another hug. ‘Oh what a joy it is to see you! Now, what shall we do first? A little mother–daughter meditation and then a long beachy walk? We could take a trip to . . .’ Loni tries to stifle a yawn. ‘Oh dear, sorry, darling. How rude of me!’

  ‘You look tired, Loni,’ I say anxiously, studying her. Although I wish I looked as good when I’m knackered. Her bright blue eyes are shining and she can’t peel the smile from her face.

  ‘Me? What? No, I’m fine! Just . . .’ She yawns again.

  ‘Do you know, Loni,’ I reply, glancing through the kitchen and out to the garden where I can see the leaves of the red Acer brushing against the window, ‘why don’t you go and have a lie-down. To be honest all I want to do is potter around in the garden for a bit.’ This is true. As soon as I got here I felt the familiar pull to the garden. It is where I feel happy, whole. And I know there is so much to do out there still. I’ve neglected it – and Loni – for too long.

  ‘OK, well, as long as you’re sure.’ I can see that Loni looks relieved. ‘A little nap will be lovely and it means I’ll be completely re-energised to go out for your birthday dinner later. We’ll have a proper girl-on-girl catch-up later.’

  I stifle a chuckle. ‘Girl to girl, Loni, girl to girl.’ and she bounds upstairs.

  Columns of apricot sunlight are streaming across the garden. I feel the crisp autumn air on my face; it pinches my skin pleasingly as if reminding me that I am awake, alive. I have survived. And I am . . . content. Happy, even. As the thought enters my head I feel a wave of surprise. I never thought it was possible to be so happy on my own. Not without Adam and Milly, not without people propping me up. But in the last few months I have completely turned my life around, changed the course of my future and I’ve done it all on my own. And what I’ve learned is that I needed to go back to my roots. Plant myself back in the past, back home here with my family, in the place I love, and with the people I love. Loni, Cal, Lucy, the twins – and Dad? I think of the cottage in Cley and how I’m one step closer to finding him. Do I want to go any further down that path? Or should I stop, turn away now in case it leads to yet more heartache?

  I focus on keeping my mind in the present; on what is making me happy in the here and now. My job. My family. This garden.

  Kieran. I smile to myself as I grab my tools from my caravan and set to work in a better place – the best place – I’ve been for years.

  Chapter 48

  ‘Well, isn’t this nice, darling? It’s always a joy to have my baby girl by my side!’ Loni says emphatically over the gentle noise of chat and laughter in the King’s Head, the pub in Holt we’ve always come to for family occasions. She smiles as she looks at Cal, Lucy and the twins. ‘I can’t help but be gloriously happy that Bea is here on her birthday. In the bosom of all her family, just like she should be.’

  Cal puts his arm round Loni and Lucy and smiles. I look around the warm, timber-beamed pub but can’t help feel like there’s something missing. We didn’t see them often but Adam loved my family. He revelled in the affectionate chaos that was my relationship with Loni and Cal, the arguments and constant teasing yet affectionate banter. He said it was an atmosphere that was so different to that of his own family. He’d find it hilarious when Loni wrote yet another article about her sex life, making me find humour in something that had previously only held embarrassment. He’d point out that she did it to earn a living, that I should be proud that she had a life outside her kids, that she’d been incredibly brave to start again in her early thirties as a single mum. His views – and his presence – had stuck together my torn-up past and stitched over the hole in it where my dad should have been. I’ll always love him for that.

  I smile at everyone chatting happily around the table and then glance
at the other diners, listen to the hum of music in the background, the distant thwack of snooker balls in the bar beyond. It’s reminding me of the many evenings Kieran and Elliot spent here. Drinking, playing pool – Elliot and I against Kieran, just to make sure Elliot didn’t feel pushed out. We did that a lot, Kieran and I, to include him and not be too couply around him. He and Elliot were all the other had and he made it clear he didn’t approve of me. I had no interest in coming between them. It was only when we were alone that Kieran and I told each other how we really felt, whispering long into the night about our dreams, our newly formed future together.

  A bottle of champagne arrives and Cal makes a great show of popping the cork. He stands up and raises a glass.

  ‘Here’s to Bea, my big sister. I’m so glad you’re here . . .’ His sentence drifts off and I can see he’s choked. His words are a reminder of how close I once came to not being here. I smile gratefully and reassuringly at him.

  ‘There’s nowhere else and no one else I’d rather be with right now. Thank you for always being there for me and helping me through a . . . another tricky year.’ I raise my glass. ‘To family.’

  ‘Family,’ everyone echoes.

  Just then my mobile rings and when I see who it is I show the caller ID to everyone and gesture to them to start eating then weave my way out of the pub and into the dark street.

  ‘Milly!’ I answer, my delight at hearing from her evident in my voice.

  ‘Happy birthday, babe! How are you?’

  ‘Old!’ I laugh. ‘Single, old and back home with my bonkers family. But surprisingly good.’

  ‘Oh, I wish there were two of me.’

  ‘There are,’ I joke. ‘Remember?’

  ‘I don’t mean the baby! I just mean I’d do anything to be back there with you now. I know how much you must be missing Adam.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say emphatically. And I’m surprised to find I mean it. I miss him, obviously. I have done for months. But now? Now, well, I’m stronger, I guess. Maybe because Kieran’s here. I don’t have to deal with the ghosts on my own. ‘Besides, you don’t really want to be back here. You spent your teen years dreaming of getting out.’ Milly always said she felt like she spent her entire childhood in Norfolk waiting for her life to begin elsewhere. ‘You’re in New York!’ I exclaim. ‘Living your dream!’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she says. ‘That’s right. I’m Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, Diane Keaton in Baby Boom . . .’

  ‘Soon to be Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It?’ I add, and feel my heart contract with longing. In another life perhaps.

  ‘Just what I’ve always wanted – to be a Hollywood film cliché!’ Milly whoops. ‘Not that I feel very Hollywood right now. Just kind of fat . . . and tired. Anyway, what about you, what have you been up to?’

  I think of all the time I’ve been spending with Kieran and my mission to find Dad. Neither of which I feel I can tell Milly about in a phone conversation. ‘Nothing much,’ I lie. There’s an awkward pause. I hate how much we can’t tell each other these days.

  ‘Oh, right.’

  Just then I see a dark figure walking down the street towards me. My breath catches in my throat as I look at him. He’s wearing a navy military coat with the collar pulled up around his neck and a beanie slung low over his forehead. His green eyes are glistening in the darkness and he’s wearing that lazy, sexy smile of his.

  ‘Actually, Mills, I really have to go. My meal’s on the table.’

  ‘OK, well, happy birth—’

  ‘Bye, Mills. Love you. Talk to you soon!’ I say hurriedly and press call end and stuff my phone in my coat pocket just as Kieran leans in and kisses my cheek.

  ‘Hey, you,’ he says. ‘Happy birthday.’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, glancing nervously inside the pub.

  ‘I just had a feeling you’d be in town. I wanted to see you on your birthday.’ He’s slurring slightly, I notice.

  ‘I’m with my family,’ I say, looking up at him meaningfully. He knows I don’t want them to know about us, or our search for my dad at the moment.

  ‘Come see me after?’ he says softly. ‘I promise we’ll have more fun than you’re currently having in there.’ He winks at me and I feel my stomach bubble up with excitement.

  I’m unable to tear my eyes away from him. ‘I have to go, Kieran,’ I say apologetically, reluctantly. ‘My family are waiting for me.’

  ‘No they’re not.’

  I turn quickly and look at Cal who is standing in the doorway. His face is thunderously dark, and he’s gazing furiously at Kieran. It’s clear he has recognised him immediately. ‘I think you’d better come inside, Bea.’

  ‘Isn’t she old enough to decide that for herself?’ Kieran puts his hands in his pockets and smirks challengingly at Cal.

  ‘She certainly doesn’t need you to help her.’

  ‘I am here, you know, guys!’ I turn between them, feeling furious that they’re treating me like I can’t make decisions on my own. ‘Cal, go inside. I can handle this.’

  I wait for him to leave. But he just folds his arms and stands next to me like a security guard. I glare and turn back to Kieran.

  ‘I’ll see you soon, Kieran,’ I say evenly, trying to talk to him with my eyes. Cal has no right to treat Kieran like this. He wouldn’t, if he knew the truth.

  ‘Bye, Bea,’ Kieran murmurs, then adds, ‘Remember what I said . . .’ He looks at me, eyes struggling to focus. He holds up his hand in a half-salute, half-wave before he turns and walks away. I’m about to reply but Cal drags me back inside. Just then, my phone buzzes in my pocket and Cal storms off ahead. I look at the message.

  I’ll be at the beach. Please come. I don’t want to be alone. K x

  Chapter 49

  I find it hard to finish my meal after that. Cal is glaring at me across the table and I refuse all offers of more alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker . . . and Loni knows that when I’m feeling emotionally fragile I steer clear of anything that might give me a high and then bring me to a crashing low. I know it’s wrong, but I use it as an excuse to leave as soon as the bill is ordered.

  ‘I don’t want to push myself too much. I’m er, feeling like I need to be by myself for a bit.’

  ‘Alone?’ Cal says darkly.

  I glare at him.

  ‘Oh darling, are you sure?’ Loni says. ‘It’s a bit late.’

  ‘I’ll be fine. And I’ll be home soon. Probably before you!’ I smile. ‘Um, can I take your car please, Loni?’ She hands me her keys, clearly relieved that I’m not planning on going for a walk on my own.

  ‘Of course, darling. We’ll get a cab. I’ve probably had a couple too many to drive anyway!’ She giggles and Cal folds his arms and stares at me.

  Just as I’m opening the pub door I feel my arm being tugged back and I turn around.

  ‘You’re crazy if you let yourself get involved with him again after what he did to you.’ Cal’s features are distorted with worry. ‘Please don’t go to him . . .’

  ‘I know what I’m doing, Cal.’

  He shakes his head, and as he does it’s like a sand timer has been tipped over and he is no longer a twenty-eight-year-old father of two but the fifteen-year-old boy who saved his sister’s life. ‘I won’t let you do this, sis. I can’t,’ he says determinedly.

  ‘Please, Cal, you have to trust me. I promise I know what I’m doing. I’m thirty-one years old. You don’t have to keep being my superhero . . .’ I see that tears have sprung into his eyes and I pull him into a hug, feeling a wave of remorse for what I put him through all those years ago. ‘I’m sorry, Cal. I promise to take care.’ I kiss him on the cheek and he releases his grip. He’s still standing at the door as I get into the car and start the ignition.

  I pull in at the car park next to Kieran’s yellow camper van, grab the flashlight I know Loni keeps in the glove compartment and get out of the car. The wind takes my breath away. The sky lies above me like a
gown of deep royal blue, stars are scattered like sequins upon it. I begin to run towards the beach, flicking on my torch and allowing myself to be blown across the dunes.

  ‘KIERAN!’ The wind is so strong my voice is instantly swallowed by it.

  I whip my head round, desperately trying to look for any sign of him. Where is he?

  ‘KIERAN!’ I yell again. I begin to run, my mind a whirl of anxiety.

  Why did he come here when he’s been drinking? What was he thinking? He wouldn’t have done anything stupid, would he? I remember how, when Elliot died, I felt drawn towards the sea. On bad days I felt like it was seducing me into thinking that it held all the answers, that my future lay with it, not here on solid ground. It was part of the reason I didn’t leave Loni’s house for so long. I was scared of what I might do. The sea seemed to call me, each wave telling me that I could breathe within it. Become one with it. That it was the only thing powerful enough to carry me. I couldn’t rely on Cal and Loni forever, it sang, my moods, my incapabilities were only holding them down, drowning them. Loni would never love again while she had me to look after and I was stopping Cal from ever being allowed to be a kid. But the strong, supreme sea would lift me to a place where I would always feel like I was surfing, cruising, swimming, not sinking. Is that why Kieran came here? To be closer to Elliot?

  ‘Kieran!’ I shout again, almost choking on the panic, the memory of just how close I had come to believing the dark, swirling shadows in my mind. And then I see him. He is sitting in the dark near the shore, his beanie pulled down over his forehead, and I can see the orange glow of a cigarette or joint being lifted to his lips. I stumble down the sand dunes towards him. He doesn’t turn as I call him. I slide onto my knees and throw my arms around him. I feel the weight of a bottle pressed against my back, the cold, wet sand seeping through my jeans. I can smell whisky on his breath.