Wolf Soldier

by Candace Ayers

  I gently removed the headphones and kept my eyes on her face. She’d changed from the big sweater into some kind of sports bra that was crisscross strappy and all kinds of sexy.

  “I knocked. I could hear you breathing heavily and your heartbeat was racing. I was worried. I thought something was wrong with you.”

  She grabbed a water bottle and took a big swig. “What if I was masturbating or something? Breathing hard and a fast pulse doesn’t mean I need to be rescued.”

  I took a step back and nodded. Stuck on the mental image of her masturbating. I held up my hands in surrender. “You’re right. I was just worried.”

  “Well, don’t be. I can take care of myself.”

  I sighed. “You’re upset. You deserve to be. I’m sorry for how that looked, Sonnie.”

  She shrugged, but there was tension in her eyes and the set of her jaw. “Don’t be. You’re can date whoever you want. One night of sex doesn’t mean anything. Not to me, anyway. You’re free to be with any woman you want.”

  I wasn’t able to stifle the low growl. “I wasn’t with her. It wasn’t like that. I was coming back here, but Charlie was there and…and… I got ambushed with Dana.”

  She shrugged again and stretched her arms above her head. “Whatever. It’s fine. Like I said, it didn’t mean anything to me. I’m going to take a shower, since my workout is clearly finished. You can show yourself out.”

  The woman had walls up to her fucking forehead. It clearly wasn’t fine. She was obviously upset, but she refused to admit it. If she wasn’t going to have an honest conversation with me, what could I do?

  I watched as she crossed to her bathroom and reached behind her to unhook the bra she was wearing. Her back was to me, but watching it drop leaving her back exposed was enough to send blood pumping to my dick, even though I was frustrated.

  She hooked her fingers into her leggings and bent over to push them down. She wore nothing underneath. Her body was completely exposed to me and she had no shame as she looked back at me over her shoulder. “Get the fuck out.”

  Fuck. I needed to talk to her, but I also needed to give her time and space. She was human. They were different. She slammed the bathroom door, and I stood there with a raging boner until I could convince my legs to move.

  13

  Sonnie

  I was slowly breaking down from not getting enough sleep and from all the feelings I was keeping bottled up. I felt horrible. Not just because my heart was aching, but because it served me right. I went behind Charlie’s back, slept with her brother while she was working hard to set him up with “Ms. Right,” and I sucked. I deserved to have a hole in my heart. And I did—one so big a semi could drive through it. I backstabbed a friend and kept a huge secret from her and all my friends.

  I’d skipped our get-together at Carter’s the night before. I just wasn’t into seeing anyone. Never before had I felt more alienated from them. Maybe knowing I’d never truly have a guy like Holt for mine, made me feel so much more than I should have. I was angry. It was embarrassing to admit, but I was so jealous of shifters and mates and it made me resent them.

  I avoided them all, the best I could in a town the size of Helen’s Corner, and shut Holt out. It was crazy how fast I’d fallen for him. I knew what it was like to give your heart to a man only to have him walk away and wash his hands clean of you. I should’ve known better than let Holt in. Deja vu. Even while I built a concrete wall between my heart and Holt, my stupid heart left the back door wide open.

  I’d started hanging out in Smith for hours more than I needed. I’d found a ton of eligible bachelors for speed dating that way, but it just led to more exhaustion. It kept me away from Holt, though. And, it had served as my excuse to skip the St. Anon meeting.

  Heartache sucked. My mood swings were awful. All I did was cry when I was alone. I felt like I was in a hole. I’d been through heartache before in my life. This was…. It was different somehow.

  As hard as I concentrated on not thinking about Holt, there were little moments that seeped through. I’d get a flash of memory of his smile, the two of us cleaning my shop after speed dating, after sex when he held me and whispered how perfect I was. Those memories cut like broken glass.

  Maybe I needed to talk to someone about it. Get it off my chest. Seeing as how I was making myself sick. Suffering exhaustion, stomach upset, moodiness. I just wanted to get back to normal again. Usually I talked to Charlie, or another one of the girls.

  Not this time, though. I just couldn’t.

  I suppose healing from a heartache was just a process that had to run its course. It couldn’t be rushed. I made a promise to myself that once I got through this, I would never fall for another man again. I didn’t care how big his muscles, how sexy his smile, or how awesome his dick was.

  14

  Holt

  “What the hell is going on with you, Holt? You’ve been such a sourpuss lately.” Charlie looked up from setting her huge dining room table. The rest of the extended family had arrived and the place was utter chaos.

  “Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind.” Understatement of the year. And not the whole truth. I was miserable. My mate was in the same town as me, and was too pissed off to have anything to do with me.

  “Like what? Talk to me.”

  I shook my head. I wished I could. There was no way I could tell her that her best friend, a human, was my mate and that I’d decided it was best she never knew. That way, she never had to be burdened by me. It was selfish to inflict my own screwed up self on her. What did I have to offer her? I had no job, no home, and no sense of direction without the military. That kind of life was not what she deserved. Fortunately, she wasn’t shifter, so she wasn’t feeling the mating pull like I was. If I walked away, I would suffer, but she could get on with her life.

  “It’s nothing important. Don’t worry about it, Charlie.” I nodded towards the staircase, where our parents, our brothers, and other family members were getting settled into the bedrooms. “You’ve got bigger fish to fry. I saw Aunt Barbara carrying a jumbo sized crockpot to her room earlier.”

  She winced. “If that woman burns my house down, I will skin her alive with her own acrylic devil nails.”

  “Jason brought porn.”

  Her horrified expression turned bright red. She shook her head and dropped the napkins. “He better not be—that’s disgusting and I’m going to wring his neck.”

  I shrugged. “You wanted the family here for Thanksgiving.”

  “Is it too late to cancel and invite a different family?”

  As if on cue, Mama Jean, cousin Caroline, Aunt Joy, and a few of the youngsters came thundering down the stairs. Mama was at the front of the pack, her hands clasped excitedly in front of her. “How can we help, sugar?”

  “Shoot me.”

  Mama scoffed. “I heard that. Come on. Show me around the kitchen and I’ll figure out what I can do to help with dinner.”

  I watched them go and rolled my eyes. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving, yet. It was just a simple weeknight dinner. Everything was a production with my family, though.

  Uncle Fred and Dad were lounging in the front room watching some college ball. I almost joined them, but my mind was too preoccupied with Sonnie to be included in any intelligible conversations. I had to fight every day to keep myself from running to her.

  I showed up to help her after her last speed dating event only to find the door locked. A clear sign she didn’t want to talk to me. We still hadn’t discussed what was really going on when she saw me and Dana at breakfast. That was one thing I regretted—not having had the chance to fully explain the truth.

  I knew it was all my fault and I could end all her frustration by just telling her that she and I were mates, and that there wasn’t another woman alive I’d ever consider sharing my bed with, dating, or even noticing in a romantic way. It wouldn’t be fair to her, though. The longer I was in the civilian world, the more convinced I was of a simple reality—I wasn�
��t cut out for it.

  It was true. Everything pointed to it. The only thing I knew how to do was be a soldier. As far as soldiering was concerned, I was a damned good one. So far, all roads were leading to the same destination. Re-enlistment.

  It wouldn’t be right to tell Sonnie that we were mates and then leave her alone for endless moths at a time. It would be better if she didn’t know. That way, I’d leave her with a clean slate to move on and find someone else.

  Maybe she’d already found someone else. The thought made me want to kill something. Or blow something up. No, I knew she’d been alone every night because I’d paroled the perimeter of her home and shop before she walked home at night. Stalkerish, maybe, but my wolf wouldn’t let me rest unless I made sure she was safe.

  Fuck, I’d have to learn to suck it up. Being away from her ached. I missed her every second of every day. I didn’t know how I was going to leave her and survive. I just knew that I had nothing to offer her here. That wasn’t fair to her.

  Later that night, after our family had gone back to their rooms to pass out, I sat outside on the verandah with Charlie and listened to the sounds of the crickets chirping and wild animals roaming the woods. I felt like my insides had been torn to shreds and I was barely holding shit together.

  Charlie looked over at me and smiled. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  I nodded. “It’s been nice to catch up with you.”

  “When you’re here. You’ve been out and about every night.” Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “You met someone, didn’t you? Who is it? I know it’s not Dana. She said you haven’t called her, at all.”

  “I didn’t meet anyone.”

  “I don’t believe you. That’s amazing! That means you’re going to stay here, right?”

  I stared out at the night sky without speaking. I was trying to think of the right words.

  Charlie went quiet for few seconds and then stood up. “You’re not staying, are you?”

  I looked up at her and shrugged. “I don’t know, Charlie.”

  “You don’t know if you’re staying in Helen’s Corner, or if you’re going to live near Mama and Daddy?” She crossed her arms. “Or you don’t know if you’re staying stateside, period?”

  I turned back to the starry sky and blew out a long breath.

  She moved into my line of sight to force me to look at her. “Holt! You can’t be serious. You’re out. You can’t go back. You were lucky the first time.”

  “You don’t get it, Charlotte.”

  “Don’t fucking do that. Don’t say I don’t get it. You don’t get it. We’re worried about you constantly. We are terrified that someone is going to show up one day on Mama and Daddy’s doorstep with bad news. Why would you even want to go back?”

  “It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at. What else is there for me? I don’t know how to be a civilian, Charlie. I don’t have any other goals or dreams. I always wanted to be a soldier. I don’t know how to live a normal civilian life. It’s who I am, I defend and serve.”

  She threw her arms out. “Holt, you can do anything. Anything!”

  “In a town full of females?”

  “Yes, asshat! In a town full of females. Don’t go back, Holt.” She wiped her eyes. “Please. If not here, move to Georgia, or California. Move to fucking Alaska, I don’t care. Just don’t go back.”

  I couldn’t look at her. Not when she was asking for things that I couldn’t give her. “I love you, Charlie. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”

  She grunted. “Sure. I’m going for a run.”

  I watched her stomp off and into the words at the edge of her lawn. I was disappointing everyone lately.

  15

  Sonnie

  A loud knock on the door startled me. I wasn’t asleep, even though it was late. I was just sitting on my couch, staring at the wall. When I swung open the door, I was surprised to see Charlie staring back at me. “Don’t you have a house full of family?”

  She immediately pushed past me into the house and sat in the exact spot I’d been planted in for hours. “He’s re-enlisting.”

  I wanted to be confused. I wanted to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about. I did know, though. Holt was leaving.

  “He just told me. He doesn’t want to stay. He didn’t say for sure that he’s leaving, but when he didn’t deny it, I knew.” She wiped her eyes on her shirt and shook her head. “It’s too dangerous. He’s a shifter, so he heals well from some things, but he could still die. How much luck can one man have in a war zone?”

  My stomach sank and my body went numb and cold. I dropped to the couch and covered my mouth with my hand. Holt was leaving.

  “I’m sorry to just burst into your house, Sonnie, but I can’t talk to my family about this. It would cause a huge uproar. I’m so mad. I really, really want him to retire and stay here. He could meet a nice woman and settle down. He could be happy here.”

  But he wasn’t. That much was clear.

  “I love him. I don’t want him going back. I want him safe and sound. He served his country. It’s time he comes home.”

  My chest felt like it was going to crack open. Even though I knew he and I weren’t destined to be together, facing the fact that he was leaving was something else entirely. I couldn’t let Charlie see how upset I was. I couldn’t tell her that on top of her brother leaving, her best friend was a backstabber.

  I rubbed her shoulder and tried to speak. Somehow, words still managed to come out of my dry mouth. “I’m so sorry, Charlie.”

  She leaned over and buried her face against my arm. “Want to slap some sense into him for me?”

  I blinked back tears and stroked her hair. “Whatever you need.”

  She let out a weak laugh and sat up to look at me. “Can you imagine? You’re so tiny.”

  “I know. I’m a tiny, weak, short, fat human.” I got up and walked across the room on legs that felt like rubber. Looking out the window, I sighed. “I just wish I was different.”

  “What’s with you lately? Is that why you’ve pulled away from us the past couple weeks?”

  I glanced back at her and then looked down at my feet. I felt terrible. “I haven’t been feeling well. I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about this. Not now.”

  “Come on, Sonnie. It’s me.”

  “How about we not talk about me and do something that would make you feel better instead?”

  “Call all military troops home?”

  “I was thinking of something on a smaller scale.”

  “Fine. Let’s go to Carter’s and raid her kitchen. I bet she has leftover sweets.”

  I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home and curl into a ball, but that was the problem with spinning a tangled web. I couldn’t let Charlie see that I was so upset. I just had to push through and act like everything was fine.

  “Okay. Let me get on something warmer.”

  Charlie watched me walk to my bedroom door and made a face. “You smell different.”

  I sniffed under each armpit.

  She laughed. “No, not stink. Your normal scent is…off. You smell kind of different. You’re not sick, are you? Maybe it’s me. My sense of smell is shit for a wolf shifter. I could be imagining it.”

  I felt mildly self-conscious as I changed into thicker clothes. Why would I smell? I’d showered.

  I was a wreck as we left my house and walked to Muddy’s. My stomach churned until I felt like throwing up. I hated it. I didn’t want to have a secret from my friends, but I had to hide the fact that a part of me just wouldn’t let go of Holt, and that part was crushed by the news of him re-enlisting.

  Tears were stinging my eyes. It was dumb, because I obviously meant nothing to him. I reminded myself for the hundredth time that he rolled out of my bed and ran right to breakfast with Dana. Why should I give a crap that he was leaving? The news should not make me fall apart.

  Charlie looked over at me and frowned. “What’s wrong, Sonnie
?”

  I realized tears were streaming down my face in rivers and cursed. “Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “Talk to me, Sonnie. We’ve all noticed you’ve been acting different. What’s going on?”

  I stopped walking and covered my face with my hands. “I wish I could tell you. I hate this. I’m so sorry, Charlie. I have to go back home.”

  “Wait a minute, Sonnie.” She grabbed me in a hug and held me against her. “I’m not going to let you run home and cry all by yourself. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Or don’t. But just don’t go home alone.”

  I cried harder and shook my head. “I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry. I’m a horrible friend.”

  “You’re a dramatic friend, but you’re not horrible.”

  It all felt like too much. Everything. Holt. Shifters and their mates. Charlie and her feelings. My feelings. I really needed to puke. “I have to go.”

  I hurried back home, locked the door behind me, and made it just in time to hug the toilet bowl while I retched.

  16

  Sonnie

  The next morning, I felt less dramatic, but sicker. Turns out I had a stomach bug, so I stayed home and kept myself locked in. Not that anyone else tried to come by. The day after that, I still felt just as terrible. I’d spent two sleepless nights crying over Holt. I was exhausted and my stomach was a mess.

  I was supposed to go to work, but I just couldn’t. Instead, I stayed at the shop just long enough to hang the CLOSED sign, and spent the rest of the day on the couch napping on and off. I’d turned my ringer off. I just wanted to take it easy and feel better without any outside stress.

  It was there, on the couch, that I was suddenly struck with a horrible thought. I sat bolt upright. “No, no, no.”