Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance

by Jennifer H. Westall

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to spend some time with you.”

  They stepped out of the alley and continued down the street. At least they hadn’t lost sight of her team. The stream of volleyball players had stretched out into smaller groups moving slowly down the sidewalk. It wouldn’t take long to catch up. He reached for Lily’s hand, her silence filling him with regret. He should have just held his tongue.

  Finally, she stopped and faced him with the stiff posture he recognized from their first encounters.

  “You know, you may not understand why I make the decisions I do. But please don’t act like there’s something wrong with me just because I have principles. It’s who I am, and it’s not going to change.”

  “I know. I’m not asking you to.”

  “Yes you are-“

  “No, don’t misunderstand me.” He tipped her chin and forced her eyes to meet his. “I think you’re incredible exactly the way you are. I just want you to enjoy yourself sometimes, to let loose and smile.” He brushed her lips with his. “It’s such a beautiful smile.”

  When her face finally broke into a grin, he relaxed a bit. He hadn’t lost his touch. But he wondered how she managed to keep her principles intact. Every time he kissed her, he could literally feel her struggle to maintain control, and he suspected she was closer to giving in than she realized. And what then? If she ever faltered, just once, would he be able to stop himself?

  October 6

  Birmingham, Alabama

  “Hey ladies!” Lily jerked her head up at the sound of Coach Hampton’s voice. She had stuck her head around the corner of the locker room door. “Great job this weekend in Charleston, and great practice today. I’ve decided to give you the weekend off, so we’ll practice at five thirty Friday morning then we’ll pick back up on Monday with the regular schedule.” She pushed her eyebrows together and pointed a finger at them. “Just don’t make me regret it.”

  When she disappeared again, a few of the girls groaned about a five thirty practice. So much for partying on Thursday night at the clubs. Lily suspected that was the true motivation behind Coach’s announcement, not a weekend off. She was notorious for sniffing out party plans during the season.

  Lily tossed her sweaty clothes into the hamper then pushed her ice pack under her shirt and tucked it next to her lower back. As she headed out the door, Emily caught her elbow.

  “Hey, you have any plans for this weekend?”

  “Uh, no. I haven’t had time to think about it yet. Why?”

  Emily grinned and Lily knew immediately she was plotting something.

  “Chris has been begging to get together ever since he started grad school in Atlanta. I was thinking we could take a little road trip.”

  Lily continued down the hall and pushed open the double doors leading outside. There had to be a polite way to decline. As much as she enjoyed spending time with her, being Emily’s third wheel for the weekend was not appealing.

  “I would, Em. But I‘ll probably go see the family for the weekend. I don’t really have the money to go to Atlanta.”

  Emily looped her arm through Lily’s and rolled her eyes.

  “I’m not talking about Atlanta. I’m talking about picking Chris up in Atlanta on our way somewhere else.” She grinned. “Somewhere warm, near the beach. Like Saint Simons Island maybe?”

  Chapter Seventeen

  October 10

  Saint Simons Island, Georgia

  Lily’s excitement had been brewing all week, and when she finally pulled into the parking lot of the hotel Alex had arranged for them, her stomach was in knots. To make matters worse, she hadn’t been able to eat all day, so the knots were rolling and groaning with hunger. It was a nauseating combination.

  She pulled her car into the parking place beside Alex’s SUV and jumped out, practically leaping into his arms. As she lost herself in his kiss, her nerves finally settled.

  “Excuse me?” Emily said from behind her. Lily pulled her face away long enough to catch the knowing gleam in Emily’s eyes. “Why don’t you two get a room?”

  Alex smiled at Lily and took her hand. “I think I can accommodate you.” He pulled her toward the sidewalk.

  “Wait,” Lily said. “Don’t you want to meet Chris, and go get some dinner?”

  “Not really.” He tugged her up the stairs like a kid desperate to show off his new toys. When they reached the landing, he leaned over the rail and tossed a small envelope down to Emily. “You and Lily are in room 224. We’ll give you a call when we’re ready to go eat.”

  Emily smiled and waved. “Have fun.”

  Lily barely had time to wave back before he pulled her to a door where he slid the card into the lock.

  “Alex, I really am hungry.”

  He pushed open the door, and before it even closed he had pulled her body into his. He slid a hand under her shirt, his touch sending an exhilarating rush of desire through her.

  “I’m hungry too,” he mumbled into her ear.

  His mouth covered hers as he slid both hands up her torso. Then in one rapid motion he lifted her shirt over her head, followed by his own. His skin was warm as it grazed hers while his lips explored her neck. A tidal wave of sensations tickled her skin, rolling through her stomach, before finally bursting up through her chest.

  He turned her around and walked her to the bed. As he laid her down, she raked her hands through his hair, drinking in more, despite the warning beginning to sound in her mind. It was a distant buzz of an insect compared to the thunderous pounding of her blood racing through her.

  “Alex…we should…slow down…”

  He pushed away more of her clothing, and as he tasted her skin, she gasped.

  “Alex.”

  More alarms sounded as he started working at his own clothes.

  “Alex, wait.”

  He looked up at her, pushing her hair back away from her face. His eyes bore into hers, the twinkle of mischief now replaced with hunger.

  “Lily, I want to be with you. Let me show you.”

  He ran a hand along the nape of her neck then down her chest and ribs. She could barely breathe, let alone think straight. Somehow, she managed to find her voice, and she cupped his face in her hands.

  “We have to slow down. I can’t-“

  He covered her mouth with his and slid his hand back up to her chest, obliterating the rational thoughts she had started to form. God, help me, she prayed. And suddenly her mind cleared. She pulled Alex’s face back and forced him to meet her gaze.

  “Alex, please listen. Slow down. Please.”

  He finally paused, but a darkness clouded his eyes she didn’t recognize, and he pushed himself off the bed without a word. He turned in a quick circle as he looked at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. Then he picked up his shirt and pulled it over his head. Without even looking at her, he headed to the sliding glass doors and stepped out onto the balcony.

  She lay on the bed wondering what had just happened. She’d come too close to losing it that time. Something was going to have to give, and she suspected that was the same conclusion he had just reached.

  She stood and pulled her clothing back on straight. Outside, he leaned onto the wrought iron railing, staring out over the marsh at the horizon as it burned a deep golden orange with the setting sun. She stepped out onto the balcony with him and cleared her throat, but he didn’t turn around. She moved beside him and leaned her back against the rail.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He turned to face her, but took a deliberate step back and leaned on the opposite rail.

  “I can’t keep doing this.”

  She reached for his arm. “I know. I’m sorry-“

  “Don’t.” He pushed her arm away, shaking his head. “It’s hard enough to stop myself once. I feel like a complete idiot.”

  “I’m sorry-“

  “Stop apologizing. I’m not blaming you.”

  He looked away and folded his arms over his chest.
Here it comes, she thought.

  “Maybe I’m just not the man you’re supposed to be with.”

  Fire shot through her eyes. “Don’t say that. This is my fault. I keep sending you mixed signals. It’s hard for me too.”

  “Then why do you fight it so hard?”

  “Sometimes, I don’t know! Part of me does want to be with you too. But when I’m thinking clearly, I know waiting is the right thing to do. Sex is meant to bring two people so close they become one, and I know if we gave in now it would tear us apart.”

  He turned and grasped the rail in front of him, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

  “Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Have you thought about that?”

  Her tears threatened to break their dam, and she stepped away from him. She had to get out of there. She walked back into the room and headed for the front door, sucking her breath in as the ache in her chest tightened. As she reached for the door, Alex caught her arm from behind.

  “Where are you going?”

  She couldn’t turn around, couldn’t look at his eyes. “Home. I can’t-” She had to breathe. “Please let me go.”

  “No. Look at me.” He turned her around, but she kept her eyes on the ground. “Why are you crying?”

  “Are you kidding me? You’re breaking up with me. What am I supposed to do?”

  He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her, and her tears flowed freely.

  “Shh, don’t cry. Please. I wasn’t breaking up with you. I’m sorry.” He held her even tighter, rocking her gently back and forth until her tears subsided. Then he tilted her head up to meet his gaze. “I swear. I wasn’t trying to break up with you. I just get so frustrated sometimes. Don’t you get it?”

  “Get what?” she sniffled. She wiped away the dampness from her face with her palm.

  “I’m so in love with you, it’s making me crazy. I want to be with you so much I can’t stand it, and I’m afraid of doing something to screw it all up. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You’re in love with me?” A new sensation fluttered through her, and he smiled at her.

  “Isn’t it obvious? I’ve been a complete dope for months now.”

  “Then why did you say we weren’t meant to be together?”

  He let go of her and ran a hand though his hair. “Because I’m confused. I know I love you, and that I want to be with you. I want our bodies to become one, just like you talked about. I don’t see things the same way you do—I don’t think it would tear us apart. We’re just so different, and I don’t know how to be the man you want me to be.”

  “What do you mean? I want you to be yourself.”

  “No you don’t. I don’t want to stop anymore. I want to be with you for good. As far as I’m concerned, you are what I want for the rest of my life. And making love to you could not be more right for me. It’s what people do when they’re in love, Lily. It’s natural. I just don’t see anything wrong with it.”

  “Then why isn’t it worth waiting for? Can’t you wait just a little while longer?”

  Alex pressed his forehead against hers and ran a finger down her cheek.

  “I can do my best for you, baby. I promise I’ll do my best.”

  October 11

  Birmingham, Alabama

  Jackson drove up in front of his mother’s house and shut off the engine. He stepped out and looked around, noting her white sedan in the driveway. A small silver car was parked just on the other side that he didn’t recognize. Maybe she had a friend over and that was why she hadn’t answered her phone.

  He walked up the front walkway and jogged up the steps, trying to push down his anxious thoughts. As he opened the door, he called out to her, but there was no answer. He turned to his right and walked down the hallway, checking all the rooms. Then he went back through the living room and into the kitchen, hoping she just hadn’t heard him. But the kitchen was empty as well.

  Now his heart pounded in his ears as all kinds of images flashed through his mind. What if she’d fallen, and she was lying unconscious, unable to call out for help?

  He swung open the back door, felt a blast of cool fall air and caught the faint whiff of smoke from a grill somewhere. His eyes canvased the backyard, the shed, the shaded area in the back where she often retreated.

  Nothing.

  Then he heard it. Off the porch to his right came the soft sound of scraping, and all he could think about was her lying below, scraping at the ground to get up.

  He ran down the back steps, leaping over the last three, and rounded the porch. There on the ground was his mother, kneeling between the rose bushes and scraping at weeds with a trowel, her right ankle still covered with a large walking boot.

  “Mom! What are you doing?”

  She turned and looked over her shoulder before returning to the dirt.

  “Just cleaning some weeds out. What are you doing here, honey? I thought you had to work this afternoon?”

  Jackson let out a long breath and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

  “You scared the crap out of me. I’ve been calling for over an hour. Where’s your phone?”

  “Inside somewhere, I reckon.”

  “You need to keep it with you.”

  “Why? I never have before. What are you so worked up about?”

  It was maddening how she kept on weeding the roses as if everything were perfectly fine. He knelt down beside her.

  “Here, let me finish this. You shouldn’t be out here working like this.”

  She slapped his hands away. “I’m not a helpless old lady. I can pull a few weeds.”

  He looked at her closely. Her cheeks were flushed pink, and a couple of beads of sweat had escaped from under her straw hat, streaking down her temple. She did look a little tired, but he had to admit, there was a light in her eyes. She looked more alive than he’d seen her in almost a year.

  He smiled and shook his head. “You are definitely not an old lady. But maybe you could let me help a little…for old time’s sake?”

  She continued digging, but he saw the grin on her lips. “Well that’s fine as long as you don’t go killing anything. Go get the shears and we’ll get these dead bulbs out of here.”

  He went to the shed and returned with the shears, working quietly beside her as she guided him through the deadheading. Her gentle voice reminded him to feel along the stem for nodes facing outward, to cut just above them so the new shoot would be forced out. She smiled and laughed with him, teaching him lessons from a time in his life he’d almost forgotten.

  When they’d finished and he’d cleaned up the area, he handed her the cane leaning against the house, and they headed up the back stairs. He positioned himself behind her, cringing as she took each step, but he didn’t dare say anything.

  As they entered the kitchen, she removed her hat and gloves and hung them on the wall. Then she grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet. “Sweet tea?” she asked.

  “That sounds great. Why don’t you let me get it?”

  She lowered her chin. “Sit down.”

  She poured the drinks and took some leftovers out of the fridge, unwrapping them and dipping them onto a plate.

  “You hungry?” she asked.

  “You don’t have to go to any trouble for me,” he said. “I’m not really that hungry.”

  She gave him a sharp glance and pointed a finger at him. “Don’t hand me that. You’re too thin. You need to eat. Especially if you’re going to start playing ball again.”

  “Speaking of which, that’s why I came over here. Coach Martin let something slip yesterday at practice I don’t think he was supposed to. Did you have anything to do with him helping me get that tryout in Atlanta?”

  She didn’t turn around, just kept fumbling with pots on the stove. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Yes you do. I don’t care, Mom. Just tell me what you did.”

  She turned and faced him, clearly indignant. “I just called him to see what he could
do. He always took such good care of you at UAB. He said he would think about it and make some calls. That’s all.”

  “I see.” He watched her return to her cooking, pondering this new information. It was embarrassing enough trying to keep pace with college players who were in top shape, but to have his mom calling the coach? That was humiliating.

  “What about Mr. Clayton?” he asked.

  She turned the burner on the stove down then took a seat at the table across from him. “The agent? What about him?”

  “Did you call him too?”

  “I wouldn’t call that sleazy, good-for-nothing…Wait. Did he call you?”

  He studied her face, unsure if her concern was genuine, but his mom had never been one to lie.

  “So you didn’t call him?” he asked.

  “No. Why?”

  “He called me yesterday and wanted to know if I was playing anywhere.”

  She slammed her hand on the table and furrowed her brow. “He’s got a lot of nerve calling after the way he treated you last spring. What did he say you were?”

  “Washed up.”

  “Exactly. I hope you told him where he can stick it.”

  Jackson couldn’t help but laugh. It was so unlike her to hold a grudge, and seeing her angry was almost comical.

  “No, I didn’t tell him to stick it. He said he may be able to get me a tryout for a team in Italy.”

  “Italy!” Her voice rose to a squeal, and her eyes widened in horror. “That’s so far away.”

  “Yeah, it is. But it might be a way for me to work my way into pro ball back here in the states.”

  She looked at him for a moment, and he could swear she was fighting back tears. Then she covered his hand with hers.

  “What do you really want?” she asked.

  He could ponder that for a lifetime and still never come to a conclusion. What he wanted wasn’t possible anymore, but maybe he could still chase down the remnants of his dreams.

  “I want to keep practicing with team down at UAB, and I want to give the training camp in Atlanta a try. Overseas ball? I don’t know. I’m not sure anymore. My heart just doesn’t seem to be in anything right now.”