Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance
Page 33
As he backed out of the parking spot, she thought about how different their last two goodbyes had been, especially this one. There were no smiles, no joyful tears, not even a kiss. Only relief that he was taking the tension with him for the time being.
Chapter Twenty-Six
November 11
Birmingham, Alabama
When Mary threw open the door to her house, she smiled at Lily like she hadn’t seen her in years. Lily endured the hug with a grimace, the shot of pain in her chest sending a flash of the gunshot through her mind before she could stop it. Would she ever forget the images of that night, or at least go through a single hour without something reminding her? Mary let go and continued to smile.
“I’m so glad you called this afternoon. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing.”
Lily tucked her hands into her pockets, and her fear into the pit of her stomach.
“I’m okay. Getting better.”
“Let me take that.” Mary closed the door and reached for Lily’s jacket. She hung it in the nearby closet then ushered her toward the kitchen.
“Jackson’s still sleeping, but you can visit with me until dinner is ready.”
Lily followed her through the living room toward the kitchen. This house was as familiar as her own, with almost the exact same layout—even the couch and coffee table. Blood and shattered glass could just as easily fill this room. She shuttered and took a seat at the table while Mary picked up a wooden spoon and stirred a large pot of soup.
She added some spices, stirred again, and then finally took a seat across from Lily. She looked at her the same way everyone did now, with the you-poor-thing expression. It made her insides turn.
“So, how are you holding up?” Mary asked.
“I’m okay. It’s a little hard to get back into the swing of the everyday, but I’m taking it one day at a time.”
“You know, it may be a good idea to talk to someone about what happened.”
Same speech her dad had given her, and Alex for that matter.
“I may. We’ll see.”
Mary shook her head. “I worry about you kids. You both went through a terrible ordeal and neither of you want to talk about it.”
Lily looked down at the table and played with her hands. Then Mary reached over and placed a hand on top of hers.
“You know, it’s okay to be scared still. No one expects you to just pick up with life as if nothing happened.”
“But I want to.” Lily fought to keep her tears at bay. Even now she could hear the back door crashing open, screaming, glass crunching. Talking about the shooting just made it come alive again, and all she wanted was to bury it deep in the earth where it could never be found.
“You have to try to deal with what happened, honey. Something that frightening changes you. If you let your fears decide how you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do, you’ll be miserable.”
“You sound like my dad.”
“He’s a pretty smart guy.”
“He wants me to go see my Aunt Catherine in Connecticut. She’s a shrink.”
“You should go.”
“Maybe I will at some point. But I just can’t right now.”
Mary nodded and rubbed Lily’s hands again. Then she walked over to the stove. She stirred the soup and tasted it.
“Hmm, just right. Why don’t you go wake up Jackson and see if he’s hungry. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you.”
Lily’s stomach knotted at the thought, but she walked through the living room and into the hallway. She pushed open Jackson’s door and took a peek inside. Classical music drifted from the speakers, and the glow in the windows was a warm golden orange from the setting sun. He lay stretched across several pillows, his feet hanging off the end of the bed. It was a much more comforting sight than what she’d seen nearly a week ago.
She walked closer to him, studying the shape of him—the contours of his muscles, the familiar hand dangling over the side, and the tiny scar on his chin from a trip down to the creek one afternoon when they were kids. A warm tingle spread through her, from her stomach and chest out to the ends of her fingers.
She knew.
She’d always known. They belonged to each other, and trying to deny it had cost them so much.
But what now? Tell him? She had no idea how. Maybe they had hurt each other too much. The way he had looked at her that night still haunted her, like she was a stranger. But she clung to the one moment in the hospital when he had opened his eyes.
Always, Lil.
And so she reached for his hand.
Strange images swam around him, filled with muddled screams. Jackson couldn’t grab onto any of it. Sometimes the images flew past him, and others were in slow motion—the bullet, his legs moving him forward as though they were weighted down. And just as the bullet struck him in the back, he screamed and shot forward.
“Oh God!” Someone jumped back from his bed and nearly fell over his desk chair.
He swung his legs to the side of the bed and tried to regain control of his breathing while Lily stared at him, her hand over her chest.
“Lily! Jeez!”
“I, I’m sorry.”
“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” He took a long slow breath and held onto the side of the bed as the room dipped.
“That’s not funny.”
His mom appeared in the doorway. “Jackson?”
He dismissed the panic in her face with a wave of his hand.
“I’m fine, Mom. Just a little startle.”
She nodded, though she didn’t look entirely convinced, but she disappeared back down the hall. He was grateful she hadn’t pressed him. He couldn’t take much more of her fussing. He took in a deep breath, and once his pulse began to slow, he took a closer look at Lily. She looked as terrified as he had just felt. What was she even doing here? Maybe the drugs were playing tricks on him. The strange glow in the room was enough evidence for that.
She eased closer and fidgeted with her hands. “I just came by to check on you, and your mom wanted me to stay for dinner. She sent me in here to wake you and see if you were hungry.”
“Not really.” He pushed himself up from the bed, his head swimming through the fog of painkillers. “But if I don’t try to eat she’ll be all over me.”
He unfolded his body slowly, like old parchment that might crumble. His bones ached, his insides hurt, and now his nausea had returned. He hadn’t thought she’d come this soon, hadn’t really had a chance to get his thoughts together.
He walked over to the closet and slipped his t-shirt over his head, reaching for another. When he turned around, she was staring wide-eyed at the bandages wrapped tight around his midsection.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“It’s not as bad as it looks. I’m short a kidney, but I hear we keep an extra around for emergencies anyway. Doctor says I should be fine.”
She glanced from his bandage to his eyes then looked away.
“You almost…I thought-“
“Hey. I’m okay. Really.”
She nodded, but something was off. Or maybe he just didn’t know her anymore. He wanted to look away, but it might be the last time he’d see her. He wanted to remember everything about her—her deep blue eyes, the wisps of hair that she tugged at frequently, the way she grinned when he teased her. She was so beautiful she practically glowed.
He pulled the shirt over his head, and Lily sat down in his desk chair. She reached up and twisted her hair around her finger—a sure sign she was preparing to say something difficult. He wasn’t sure he could take it right now. His head throbbed.
“Jackson, I uh, I wanted to thank you for what you did.”
“No need for that. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Well, still. Thank you. And I wanted to apologize too.”
“What for?”
She kept twisting her hair, but dropped her gaze. “That night. When I told you about Alex and me-“
“Listen,” he said. “I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few days, and I realize now how stupid I was. I’ve been living in a fantasy world.”
“What do you mean?”
“All of this…trying to rescue you like some ridiculous hero or something. And hoping that somehow you’d magically figure out that you still loved me.”
“But Jackson, I-“
“Just let me finish, okay? I wanted so badly just to be with you again, I just couldn’t see what was really going on, that you didn’t love me that way anymore. But that night, that night you told me-“
“Jackson, please-“
“Lily, just stop. I don’t want to know anything else. And I can’t even think about what I do know. I just think the best thing for both of us is to go our separate ways. For good this time.”
His stomach dove again, and the room swam. He needed to sit back down. He wanted to hold onto her, but he had finally learned his lesson. If he really loved her, he had to let go, completely this time.
“You won’t even let me explain?”
He could think of nothing worse at the moment than listening to her talk about her feelings for Alex. And it was obvious the guy loved her. He may be all wrong for her, but who was he to tell her what to do with her own life?
“No, no more explanations. Let’s not make this any harder than it already is. I thought I knew you, but I don’t. The girl I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore.”
He turned to the window, trying to shut out the pain in her eyes. If he looked into those eyes for too long, he’d be right back where he had started. No, this horrible ache in his chest had to end, and he only knew of one way to do it. Cut it out.
“What about that night in the hospital, when I came to your room? You said…” Her voice trailed off and disappeared.
“I don’t…I don’t remember.”
“You said you always loved me.”
He dropped his head and steadied himself with the bookshelf. Maybe he had said that. But all he remembered of the hospital was confusing dreams and a sense that he wasn’t in his own body—about the same as he was feeling now.
He had always loved her, but what good had it done? She had thrown it all away. He could forgive her for anything, but how could he ever forget? He couldn’t keep clinging to a dream. As painful as it was, he had to wake up and face reality.
He turned around to ask her to leave, but the room was empty.
November 14
Birmingham, Alabama
Lily lay on her bed staring at the ceiling, desperation nearly overwhelming her as she waited for Coach Hampton to call her back. If she couldn’t play tomorrow, if they didn’t win, it was all over. And it was all she had left.
Emily stepped around the corner from their closets and spread her arms. “How do I look?”
Her black dress clung to every curve and left little to the imagination.
Lily shook her head. “Perfect if you’re heading down to the clubs. A little much for an athletic banquet.”
Emily winked and flashed her smile. “Then it’s just right.” She turned back toward the mirror and ran her hands down her hips. “You getting dressed? We have to leave soon.”
Lily groaned and sat up. She needed to focus on finding a way to overrule the doctor’s decision to bench her for the Conference Tournament.
“Coach said she would call me right back. It’s been, what, thirty minutes now?”
“I can’t believe that sorry excuse for a doctor wouldn’t clear you. Didn’t you explain the situation? This could be your last game. Ever.”
“Yeah. I cried like a toddler. He said my lung wasn’t ready for heavy exercise. It could collapse again.”
“Wow, that does sound serious. Maybe it’s better-“
“Don’t you dare.” She glared at Emily. “I need at least one person on my side.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She threw her hands in the air. “Screw the lung. Who needs two lungs anyway? One’s plenty. I’m behind you all the way.”
“That’s more like it. Thanks.”
“What are friends for? Now get dressed. I’ll keep vigil by the phone.”
Lily walked over to the closets and stared at the clothes, but everything looked the same—the story of her life right now. It was as if the colors had faded from everything, leaving only shades of gray. What was the point in dressing up? What was the point of the banquet? None of it really mattered anymore.
She reached for a dress, barely registering which one it was. As she pulled her t-shirt over her head, the phone rang. She dropped the dress and sprinted to the phone, nearly tripping over a chair.
“Hello?”
“Hey beautiful,” Alex said.
“Oh, hi.” She couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice, didn’t really make much of an effort.
“What’s wrong?”
“I was hoping you were Coach.”
“What’s going on?”
“She said she’d make a call for me to see if I could play tomorrow.”
“Why?”
She paused, surprised by the complete lack of sympathy. Of course, nothing had been what she had hoped lately, especially her relationship with Alex.
“Because I want to play. If we lose, the season’s over, and so is my volleyball career.”
“You don’t think they can win without you?”
“Of course I don’t think that. I just want to be in the game. I can make a difference. And if we lose at least I’ll know I did everything I could.”
Alex sighed. She could hear his impatience, and she wondered for the hundredth time why she hadn’t just ended things. For that matter, she wondered why he hadn’t. They seemed to be clinging to something that didn’t exist anymore, hoping it would somehow reappear.
“Lily, I understand how badly you want to play. But if it’s not safe, then you should listen to the doctor. He knows what he’s talking about.”
“You don’t get it,” she said. “I need to play. Everything is spinning out of control here, and I need to do something I know I can handle. My lung is fine. My body is fine. Why can’t you just support me?”
“Okay, Sweetie. Okay. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”
But something already had. How could he not understand that? She didn’t need protecting. She needed to feel strong. She needed to fight a battle she could win, instead of fighting ghosts in the dark.
“Look,” he continued. “I support whatever you do.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
She forced out a breath, and some of the tension in her shoulders as well. Maybe she was over-reacting.
“Thanks. I guess I’m a bit stressed out. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I know you just want me to be safe.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
An awkward silence settled over the phone. There had been lots of those recently. Moments of emptiness they had no idea how to fill. He cleared his throat. She wished he’d just say goodbye.
“Well, while I have you on the phone, I was wondering if you’d like to come down for Thanksgiving.”
Her stomach tightened, but it wasn’t from excitement. “I don’t know. Dad’s still trying to get me to go to Catherine’s.”
“Oh. Well, I thought I would ask anyway. It’d be good to see you again. Especially down here. We could take a walk on the beach, talk, spend some time together.” He let out a heavy sigh. “I miss you, Lily.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t know yet.”
She hoped he wouldn’t notice, but she couldn’t say in all honesty that she missed him. She did care about him, and some part of her missed the time they’d spent together in the summer. But right now, eve
n talking to him seemed to make her stress level rise. She couldn’t explain it, but she was terrified of being alone, yet annoyed by all the people around her who just didn’t seem to understand anything. It was maddening.
She let out a sigh and started to explain further, when the call waiting beeped.
“Alex, I need to get the other line. It might be Coach.”
“Okay. Call me back later.”
“Okay. Bye.” She didn’t wait for any further response before clicking over. “Hello?”
“Lily? It’s Coach Hampton.”
Her hope soared for a moment. “What did you find out? Can I play tomorrow?”
“I’m afraid it’s not good news.”
November 15
Birmingham, Alabama
Lily watched as Emily threw open the door to their room and slung her bag into the bottom of the closet. Lily simply dropped hers in the doorway. She was completely spent, and she hadn’t played a single point in the match. As Emily fell onto her bed and buried her face in the pillows, Lily sat on her own and stared at the room around her. It had all ended so quickly, like a semi-truck speeding toward her she was powerless to stop.
They’d lost three straight games in the span of an hour and a half, and she had sat at the end of the bench completely horrified. No amount of begging had worked, and now it was over. She’d never play college volleyball again.
It was like a horrible nightmare that just kept coming and coming, and she couldn’t wake up. One thing after another was falling apart. Was this how Jackson had felt last year—completely overwhelmed and defeated? All that was left to do now was flunk out of school.
She dropped her head into her hands and tried to push down the panic rising in her chest like a volcano, but it finally erupted. Jumping up from the bed, she grabbed her pillows and threw them against the wall, followed by her dirty clothes, books, papers—anything she could get her hands on.
She moved through the room in a blur, unable to grasp the fear and anger driving her, so she settled for the physical objects around her. Books thudded, papers fluttered to the ground, and CD cases shattered. And when she could find nothing else to grab hold of, she collapsed on the floor.