More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One

by Gretchen Tubbs

  Monday morning, Miller and I head to the mall to shop. Not his favorite thing to do, but neither of us has class until later, and I need some clothes to hide my new port. For now, I’m keeping it bandaged, more for my peace of mind than anything else. My arm is constantly throbbing now, reminding me of what’s going on just under the skin. Dr. Amador swears that this sensation will fade as the site heals and my arm gets ready for dialysis, which is happening in a few weeks. Needless to say, I’m not a happy camper at this point. I’m terrified of the whole situation. After what happened last week, no one is really too keen on bringing it up. Well, except Miller.

  “You know,” Miller reminds me, “this was your decision. You had two choices… dialysis or a kidney transplant. You wanted this, so quit sulking.”

  “Miller Ashby, you bastard, I did not WANT this, and you know it. I just refuse to put Maggie through surgery.”

  Miller knows to keep his mouth shut about it, so he keeps driving and we keep silent.

  Miller and I have had this conversation too many times to count. Hell, I’ve had it with Mom, Dad, and Maggie too many times to count. This is a constant fight in the Brennan household, but I’m not budging.

  For years now, we have known that Maggie was a perfect match for me. She was tested even before my right kidney was removed. When my remaining kidney started to fail recently, we knew that Maggie could give me one and potentially save my life, as long as my body didn’t reject it. I’m not ready to do that to her. Just because she’s ready, doesn’t mean I am. What if she gives me a kidney and she gets diagnosed? With only one kidney left, she would be SOL. So, I’m not taking it.

  Before we get out of Miller’s truck, I get a hand squeeze and one of Miller’s killer smiles, letting me know the subject is dropped, and that he won’t be bringing it up again anytime soon. And, just like that, it’s over. That’s usually how things go between us. If we get into a little “tiff”, it’s done before it even really starts. I can’t remember if Miller and I have ever really gotten into a fight. He doesn’t like to upset me, and will avoid it at all costs. This usually results in me getting my way.

  When we get to the mall, we go in and out of stores, looking for loose, flowing long sleeve shirts, hoodies, and lightweight cardigans that will be easy for me to hide my port, as well as provide easy access during dialysis. Not an easy task, considering it’s late summer in Louisiana, but we find some things that work. Miller and I walk hand in hand, and I take comfort knowing that he will be with me when I start dialysis in a few weeks. Sometimes I feel guilty that we look like a couple and that I’m monopolizing his time and attention, but the guilt doesn’t last long. I just need him too much. I will never stop needing Miller in my life. I’m greedy, but, he doesn’t seem to mind. I think Miller needs me just as much as I need him.

  Miller and I have known each other for as long as I can remember. I met him when I started first grade and the two of us have been best friends ever since. We were forced to sit together because our last names were next to each other in alphabetical order, and that’s all it took. We were opposites in looks, but our personalities were a perfect match for each other.

  I have always been small for my size, smaller than everyone else in my class. A petite, blue eyed girl with blonde hair, but without the typical fair skin to match. I have a dark olive complexion, coming from my great-grandmother. That dark skin, though, is no match for my problem with blushing. I blush at the drop of a hat. And not just a slight blush on my cheeks. I’m talking my whole face and neck. Needless to say, no poker face for me. One look at me and you can always tell what I am thinking, especially if I am embarrassed or upset.

  Miller, on the other hand, is huge. He’s tall, more than a head taller than me. He towers over me, even did back when we were in school. His hair is so dark it’s almost black, as are his eyes. His skin is pale, and burns to a crisp every summer. He can put on SPF 500 and it’s like he has on nothing.

  Since that first day in first grade, Miller and I have had an unbreakable connection. I love my sister, but I am closer with him than her. He just gets me. Of course, the whole time growing up, all we heard about was how we would get married. We even dated briefly our senior year in high school. I guess if you hear something so much you think it must be true. Everyone said we were made for each other. He and I just weren’t attracted to each other like that, but he thought we should give it a shot.

  Chapter Three

  I can feel Miller’s dark eyes on me as I’m doing my homework. I mean, he’s STARING. It’s getting hard to ignore, not to mention annoying as hell.

  “Do I have something on my face?”

  Miller’s eyes twinkle as he smiles.

  “No.”

  “Hanging out my nose?” I ask, wiping under it with my sleeve.

  “Nope.”

  “Why are you staring at me, Miller? You’re creeping me out.”

  “I think we should go out, Goose.”

  “Are you hungry again? We just ate. Let me get my shoes and we can go grab something to eat.”

  His eyes have that shine to them again and he shakes his head. He scoots closer to me on the bed and moves my books off my lap, replacing them with his hands, rubbing them up and down my legs. This is nothing new; Miller always has his hands on me.

  “I’m not talking about right now. I want to take you on a date this weekend. Maybe there is something to what everyone has been telling us.”

  I immediately feel the blush taking over my chest. What the hell is he doing?

  “What the hell, Miller? How many times have we talked about this?”

  “Don’t start your shit about ‘I can’t date anyone, my kidney, blah, blah, blah’. I’m not talking about just anyone, Goose. I’m talking about me. It’s ME. No pressure, no expectations. You can’t live your life and never go on a date. That’s crazy. Just do this and let’s see what happens.”

  I see Cocky Miller has come out to play. I think about it for a minute. I mean, Miller and I go out all the time. How will this be any different?

  “Goose, I know what you’re thinking. This is not the same as what we do all the time. I want you dressed up. I’m taking you ON A DATE. This is the real deal.”

  God, I hate when he reads my mind.

  “Fine. Can you at least tell me where we are going so I can raid Maggie’s closet.” I try to act mad but he’s not buying it.

  “Gino’s. Saturday night. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  ***

  “Goose, you look hot!” Maggie says from my doorway.

  I haven’t put on my dress yet, but my hair and make-up are done. My hair is in loose curls and hangs down my back. My make-up is very natural. I’m just putting the finishing touches on my eyes, which are Miller’s favorite part of me. They are smoky, but in a mild, ‘I’m a Senior in high school’ way. I wouldn’t want Daddy having a heart attack when I leave the house.

  “What are you wearing?”

  So, I lied to Miller. Originally, I was going to borrow something, but then I did get sort of excited. I went shopping today. I wanted something new. How many times will I go on a first date? Yes, it’s with Miller, but it’s still a first date. I walk to my closet and pull the dress out of the hanging bag. I love it. I looks like it’s a shirt and a skirt, but it’s a dress. The loose fitting asymmetrical top is nude and will look amazing with my lingering tan from our trip to the beach last month. The skirt is tight, with bands of nude and bronze sequins. I quickly pull it on and watch Maggie’s mouth drop open. She’s never seen me dressed like this. I’ve never seen me dressed like this.

  “Don’t just stand there. I know you have shoes to match this. Go get them for me. Miller will be here in a minute.”

  As she walks out my room, I hear the doorbell and I think I’m going to be sick. What am I doing? Seconds later, I can hear Daddy and Miller talking in the foyer. Maggie rushes back in with my shoes. I hear a knock at my door frame and I expect Miller, but it’s my Dad. He’s gr
inning from ear to ear.

  “What?”

  “Look at you, Lucy. Just exquisite.”

  I smile at my sweet Dad. “Daddy, please. It’s just a dress.”

  “I know. You’re always stunning. I’m just used to seeing you in gym clothes.”

  And, with that comment, my face goes blank. He knows better. We don’t talk about that anymore. Gym has become a dirty word in this house.

  “Sorry, Goose. Habit. Forget I said it. Now, come give your Daddy a hug and let me bring you out to your nervous looking date.”

  “It’s just Miller,” I start, but he quickly shuts me down.

  “Don’t think like that. I want you to take tonight and really think about this situation. I know you love him. Hell, we all love him. That boy is the best damn thing in your life. Don’t discredit that.”

  We walk out to the front of the house to meet Miller. He takes my breath away; butterflies take flight in my stomach.

  “You’re beautiful,” I tell Miller. I just can’t hold the words in.

  “That’s my line, Lucy,” Miller says with a chuckle. He’s standing in the living room in a black suit, white shirt, no tie. I can see that while I was out shopping he was getting a haircut. He looks incredible. He’s holding a bouquet of pale pink tulips, which are my favorite. I can’t do anything but stare at him. Mom comes barreling in from the kitchen.

  “Lucy, where are your manners? Miller, honey, you are so handsome. Let me take those flowers from you and get them in some water.” She grabs them from him, gets on her toes and kisses his cheek. On her way back to the kitchen, I get a swat on my butt and a glare. It snaps me out of my Miller-induced haze.

  I step to him and put my hands to his chest. “Thanks for the tulips,” I whisper.

  He rewards me with a kiss on the forehead. “We need to leave. We have reservations. Let’s say bye so we can get going.”

  I turn around and Mom, Daddy, and Maggie are standing there, grinning at us like fools. We wave bye and head out the door.

  Our first date is everything I hoped, and more. Dinner is wonderful, conversation is easy and enjoyable. It’s comfortable. Natural. I love being around Miller this way. I feel the way I usually feel around him, but there’s an underlying current of MORE. I feel anticipation. It’s buzzing around us. It is almost a physical manifestation of the feelings I’m having. I can sense the same on Miller’s end, as well. I guess that’s one of the perks of knowing your date almost your entire life.

  The drive home, though, takes a turn straight into awkward.

  The dreaded goodbye kiss.

  Do we, or don’t we? I certainly am not going to be the one deciding on that. Do I want to kiss Miller? I’m not sure. I hope he knows what he’s doing, because I don’t.

  Miller parks his truck in the driveway and makes his way to my side to let me out.

  “Do you want to come inside and watch a movie?”

  He smiles, but gives a tiny shake of his head. “I think I’ll head home.”

  Wow. That’s new. Maybe I misread this whole night. My gaze shifts down, and I pull my bottom lip in to keep it from quivering. I feel Miller’s hands immediately at my face, pulling my eyes to meet his.

  “Hey, stop. Tonight was awesome. That’s why I’m not coming in. I’m leaving you at the door. I want you to go inside, get in bed, and think about how you feel about tonight. Really think about what you want.”

  “What I want?” I don’t understand.

  “Yes.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Let me make this clear, Lucy. Do you want to end this night and go back to what we were yesterday, what we’ve always been? Or, do you want me to kiss you and we become Miller and Lucy.”

  “What do you want, Miller?”

  “I think I made that clear when I asked you on this date.”

  There’s that damn smirk of his again. He pulls my face closer. The smirk is getting bigger and turning into a full on grin. And I’m just staring.

  “As usual, Goose, you’re being very indecisive. Do I need to make this decision for you?”

  I can’t speak at this point, so I just barely nod. Before my head can complete the movement, his lips are on mine. I am kissing Miller Ashby. My brain can’t process what is happening. The kiss is slow and hesitant, like he’s waiting for me to pull away from him. I move my hands up his arms, and that’s all it takes. I’m giving him the green light to proceed. He uses his hands to tilt my head at the angle he wants, and his tongue pushes into my mouth. My skin is erupting in goose bumps and I can feel my blood pumping in my veins. I can taste the coffee he had at the restaurant as he’s kissing me and it’s divine. Miller is in total control of this kiss, and I’m letting him have it. He’s in control of every aspect of us, always has been, so why stop now? The kiss slows, and turns into small, light pecks. I whimper in protest and Miller chuckles with his mouth still on mine. Note to self, make that happen again. I like it.

  “I’m assuming from the fact that you are clinging to me and you’re whimpering that I made a decision you like?”

  And, cocky, arrogant Miller has decided to make an appearance.

  “Well, now you went and ruined it with that nasty attitude of yours.” I try to sound irritated, but it’s really hard when I’ve just been kissed like that.

  “I can’t have that, Lucy. Do we need a do over?”

  That damn grin of his is going to be the death of me.

  “I guess. I wouldn’t want my first kiss ruined by your cocky attitude. Let’s see if you can do better.” I can feel a smile taking over my whole face. His face is sporting a pretty huge grin, too.

  And, God, did he do better. I’m not sure how I remained standing when the second kiss was over. The first kiss was wonderful, the second was magnificent. When this much longer do-over was finished, Miller walked me all the way to the front door, taking me in his arms once again. His eyes roam over my face, like he’s trying to memorize me. Instant blushing. His hand follows the movement of his eyes, going from my temple down, resting along my jaw. I can feel his thumb rubbing along my cheek, while the rest of his hand is resting on my neck. I place my hands on his waist, so I don’t fall down due to the intensity in his glare.

  “Thank you for tonight, Lucy. I had an incredible time. Go in, think about everything, think about what you want. I want you with me, plain and simple. I’ll take you any way I can get you. Like this, or how we’ve always been. I just need you in my life.”

  I start to speak, but the thumb that was rubbing my cheek is placed over my mouth.

  “Goodnight, Lucy.” His lips replace his thumb, giving me a short, sweet, kiss, and he turns away to walk to his truck.

  And so begins the short relationship of Miller and Lucy.

  Chapter Four

  The fall semester is now in full swing, and my schedule is a bitch. I did have a pretty easy one, but thanks to my new extra-curricular activity - as I’m calling my dialysis to sound like I have a life - I’ve had to change my entire schedule. I’m carrying a full load on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I can be at the dialysis center on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Mom and Dad want me to drop down to part time this semester, since we’re all unsure of how I will handle dialysis, but I refuse. I want to hold onto some shred of normalcy in my life.

  My first appointment is at the crack of dawn on a Monday morning. As usual, it’s a freaking circus. The whole damn family feels the need to come, Miller included. Mom and Daddy have both taken off of work, and Miller doesn’t have class until later today. Maggie, in a show of solidarity, had her schedule changed. She told her counselor that I wasn’t capable of taking myself to my appointments, so her schedule needed to match mine as closely as possible. I think she just likes the idea of two days a week of school.

  Miller drives the three of us to the center, which is not too far from the apartment. Mom and Daddy are meeting us there, since they are coming from the opposite direction. I’m not sure how they will all entertain the
mselves for the four hours that I will be there having my blood cleaned, possibly longer since it’s my first time. Oh well, let them figure it out. I have plenty of homework to occupy my time. Plus, Mom has reluctantly handed over her Kindle. Mom has a slight addiction to smut. Her Kindle is loaded with more books than I can count. When she gave it to me yesterday, it was accompanied with a lecture.

  “Lucy, just because I am letting you read these types of books does not mean I am giving you permission to act like the girls in these books. These are for entertainment purposes only. You stay away from bad boys like you will read about in here. You find yourself a good boy. Or, give our Miller another shot.”

  That earns her an eye roll. My mom is so clueless. She thinks Maggie and I are perfect angels.

  Well, I am, at least.

  Mom is such a romantic. She and Daddy met in college and it was love at first sight. They knew each other for a quick minute before she was pregnant with me. They were young and barely knew each other, but are still so in love after all these years it is sickening. She is such a strong believer in love, and hates that it’s just not in the cards for me. I’m not getting involved with anyone. In fact, I refuse to let it happen. Not with this broken shell of a body and such an uncertain future.

  “OK, Mom, promise. I’ll just live vicariously through all the smut you are forcing me to read. I won’t go out and find myself a tatted up bad boy to shack up with for the rest of my days.”

  “Good girl. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  When we pull up at the dialysis center, my new home away from home, Mom and Dad are already out of their cars waiting for us. We groggily stumble out of my car, Miller toting all of my stuff. I have my messenger bag loaded down with homework, Mom’s Kindle, magazines, my iPod and iPad, and a pillow and blanket. I’m wearing yoga pants and a hoodie, despite the sweltering heat. The social worker I spoke with last week said that I would be cold while I was dialyzing. I’m always freezing to begin with, so I’m really bundled up. I have on extra thick socks and my UGGS. If I go anywhere when I leave here, people will think I’ve lost my mind.