“Mags, what’s going on? Did you go to work when you left the hospital?”
“No.”
“Did you see Finn?”
She laughs, but it’s a humorless one.
“Nope. But looks like we’ll be seeing a lot more of that fucker soon.”
“You gotta help me out here. Why are you so upset?”
That prompts a fresh wave of tears. She still won’t look at me.
“I fucked up, Goose. Major. This is my biggest fuck up ever.”
OK. She’s starting to scare me.
“Just rip off the Band-Aid, Maggie. It’s easier that way.”
She lets out a huge breath, and rips that fucker right off.
“I’m pregnant. The hospital just called.”
I have no response for my sister. My life is literally flashing before my eyes. How the hell did this happen? Well, I know how, but how?
“I’m sorry,” she continues. “I had no idea. I’m on the pill. You know they really mean that shit about ‘it’s only 99.9% effective’.”
I’m just gawking at my sister. I can’t believe we are having this discussion. If Maggie’s pregnant, what the hell am I supposed to do? She just signed my death certificate. A knocked-up Maggie means no transplant.
“I need you to go now,” I tell her.
“What?” she whispers.
I can’t look at my sister. I need her gone. I need to think.
“Please, Maggie. Go, I’m begging you. I love you, but can you go? I will be home in a little bit and we can talk. This has been a shit day for both of us. I just need a minute.”
I reach over and give her a tight hug. I can’t believe this. I push this new nugget of information in the back of my mind and walk her out.
“We will be fine. Time to move on to plan… shit… must be plan q at this point,” I say, laughing in my delirious state.
“You promise you’ll come soon?” she asks.
I nod. I’m being selfish. My little sister is probably scared, in shock, and feeling overwhelmed with the news of her impending motherhood. I need to go home.
I stand in the driveway long after she pulls away. I feel Bennett behind me. He’s turning me around, hugging me and telling me he’s sorry. I take it he heard our conversation.
“I need you to take me home,” I tell him.
“Lucy, don’t do this. You’re pulling away. Don’t.”
“I’m not pulling away from you, Bennett. I need to go be with my sister, and then I need to be alone for a bit. I have to process all of this. My life just got turned upside down. I need to go.”
“I’ll give you tonight by yourself to sort it out. That’s it. I’m not letting you pull away from me because of this. We just have to come up with a new plan.”
I think I have a new plan.
He’s just not going to like it.
***
Bennett
I should have never agreed to take her home. Something is off. She’s acting weird. Last time an appointment didn’t go her way, she flipped the fuck out. Today, she was entirely too calm. She didn’t flip out in Amador’s office, and she didn’t flip out when she listened to Maggie tell her that the transplant isn’t happening. Fuck! What is she supposed to do now?
She’s pulling away. I can feel it. She’s acting completely detached from the situation, which isn’t good. I go for a long drive to keep myself from calling her over and over like a psycho stalker. I drive past her apartment, but her car is gone. Where did she go? I keep driving around, passing through some of the shittiest neighborhoods in and around town, thinking back about my childhood. It was a straight up nightmare. My whole life has basically been shit, until Lucy came into it. I can’t lose her over this. I will keep fighting for her, just like I keep telling her. I will not let her leave me.
I make my way home, calling her several times. She never picks up. I would hope that if she wasn’t okay, Maggie would be smart enough to call me. I shoot her a quick text, and then head to bed. It’s pointless- I’ll never sleep tonight.
***
Lucy
Maggie and I decide to stick to the ‘rip off the Band-Aid strategy’ and head over to Mom and Daddy’s house. We call ahead to make sure everyone is home. Mom’s thrilled with the impromptu visit. Little does she know what we’re about to hit her with. Miller comes with us, too. We need him to take Ava out so we can discuss the day’s events without her listening in on the conversation. This is not something for little ears to hear.
We are greeted by a smiling, laughing Ava. She’s so happy here. It warms my heart. She’s truly becoming a part of this family. If anything, this entire experience gave her a loving, stable home. Maybe that was the whole point of this broken life I’ve led… to provide this life for Ava. That thought gives me an overwhelming sense of peace and calm that takes precedence over the storm of emotions running through me. I take those feelings and cling to them.
“Miller, I miss you,” Ava says, clearly excited to see him. Miller’s been scarce lately because of Bennett’s presence. He hoists her up in his arms.
“Hey, princess. Let’s go find Claire and Thomas. I want to take you out. Think they will let us go get ice cream?”
Cue the high-pitched screaming.
Maggie and I wander outside. For some reason, heavy conversations are much easier to deal with on our parents’ back porch. Daddy is already out there, beer in hand. I smile at him, but don’t speak. I’m not ready to talk. I have a feeling that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. Instead, I just sit by him and rest my head on his shoulder. Maggie sits in the chair facing us. He knows something is up, so he lets us sit in silence. Mom comes out minutes later. She looks nervous.
“Alright, girls. Spill it.”
Maggie puts her head down. I guess I’m running the show. I get up and walk to the far end of the patio, distancing myself from everyone. It’s easier for me to talk if I’m removed from their vicinity. Too bad I can’t make my mouth work.
“Goose, Band-Aid,” Maggie whispers.
I pull in a huge breath of air and start. “Okay. Maggie and I need to tell you what’s been happening, but I need you to let me talk. Let me get it out. You can say your piece after.”
Mom and Daddy both nod. Mom is already starting to get teary eyed.
“Today I went to Dr. Amador’s office. Dialysis is not working. My function is still on a decline. It is a relatively slow decline, but it’s a steady one. Getting a transplant is the only viable option at this point. It’s the only thing that will save my life. Maggie came over to meet us at the hospital. They ran labs to make sure we were still compatible, and they did some genetic testing to make sure she didn’t have the PKD markers. The initial labs came back a few hours later.”
I stop and look over at my sister. She’s not making a move to interject, just nods, prompting me to share her news. Typical Mags. I keep going.
“Maggie can’t donate. She’s pregnant.”
Mom and Daddy are shocked. Daddy goes to speak, but I hold up my hand, stopping him from saying anything.
“I’m not done. I will keep doing my daily treatments. I’m still on UNOS. There is no way to know a timeline for that. It’s a crapshoot. We can only pray at this point that I can get a kidney from the registry soon.”
“Maggie, I’ll deal with you in a minute,” Dad says in a pissed off tone, giving her a look to match. “Lucy, I’m a match. You know this. We’ll call Dr. Amador in the morning. I can go in and do all the tests they need. This can still happen.”
“No, it can’t.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“A transplant from you isn’t an option,” I tell him.
“The fuck it’s not.” Dad’s tone has gone from pissed to irate. He’s never talked to me like this before.
“I’m not doing that to you or Ava.”
“You are my child, Goose, not her. I’ve grown to love that girl, but I’m doing this for you.”
Ben
nett’s heartbreaking story of his failed adoption attempt is playing in the back of my mind. I will not do to Ava what was done to him, even if it means losing my one shot at living. I will not destroy Ava’s chance at life.
“Not if I refuse,” I say to my father, trying to muster up as much bravery as I can to back up my statement.
And, with that, his beer bottle flies through the air and crashes into the side of the house. He’s done with the conversation. He stomps into the house, cursing under his breath, almost taking the door off the hinges as he slams it closed. Mom decides it’s time to join the talk.
“Lucy, you can’t just let yourself die. You’re being selfish. This isn’t just about you. Think about us for once in your life.”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing, Mom. I’m thinking about Ava. I will not rip this family away from her. Y’all are so close to giving her a permanent home, a chance at a real family. If I let Dad do this, he can’t work for weeks, maybe even a few months. You’re not working right now. You think any judge will let you take on a child, much less one with a severe medical condition? Then what? You two are the only chance she’s got. You want her back in that state run home? That’s how you got her in the first place, remember. No one wanted Ava, Mom.”
Mom doesn’t say anything in return. She knows I’m right. I’ve never made a more selfless decision in all my life.
“I’m not choosing her over my own flesh and blood,” she whispers.
I move over to sit with Mom and pull her into my arms.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m just in a holding pattern. I will keep doing what I’m doing and wait for a kidney on the registry. I’ll be fine. Everything will work out.”
We cling to each other and cry. We both know I’m lying. The probability of me dying is much greater than me getting a kidney off that registry. Mom kisses me, then walks over to Maggie and hugs her. Maggie’s news is secondary at this point.
Dying trumps unplanned pregnancy, I guess.
“We will talk about you very soon,” she says.
She goes into the house, presumably to check on Daddy. I’ll have to give that situation a few days before we talk again. Daddy is hot-headed, and he’s gonna need some time. Maggie moves to take Mom’s place on the swing. When she comes over to sit, a thought pops into my head.
“Maggie, I don’t get it. How are you just finding out about this? You and Finn have been over for months. How could you not know?”
She turns pink and looks down. “Umm, we were over, but then there was a little incident the other day involving the supply closet at work.”
God, she’s such a slut. I just laugh, and hold my baby sister. What else am I supposed to do?
Chapter Twenty-one
I don’t sleep a wink. We get home from my parents and I take the longest, hottest bath I can tolerate. I think about the events of the day, and I reach the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. It hurts. I can feel physical pain from it, but, it’s for the best. My mother called me selfish for not taking Dad’s kidney. Maybe Bennett will call me selfish, too, for what I’m going to do to him. I’m not. I’m doing this for him. I would never do this for myself. I’m not an idiot.
I manage to pull myself out of the tub, take my medicine, and dress for bed. My phone is on my vanity, blinking with an unread text. I read it and cry.
Bennett: Goodnight, sweet girl. Remember, I love you
I cling to my phone all night.
***
Bennett opens his front door, ready for his morning run, but looks stunned when I’m standing there. I’ve been standing on his front stoop for a while, too scared to knock. I don’t know if I can go through with this.
“Lucy, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you getting ready for dialysis? I was heading over to the center after my run.” He’s backing up into the house, dragging me with him.
“I need to talk to you.”
“At five in the morning?” he asks, his eyebrows going up.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been up all night. I didn’t want to wait until later.”
He leads me over to the couch, but I don’t sit down. His breath coming out at an erratic pace. He knows what’s coming. I have to do it before I lose my nerve.
“Bennett, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This. Us. I can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?” He’s yelling. I flinch, even though I know he’s not going to hurt me. I’m the only one of us inflicting pain today.
“I’m dying, Bennett. You don’t need me in your life. You need someone who is happy and whole. That’s what you deserve. I can’t give you what you need.”
“Don’t you dare come in here and tell me what you think I deserve or need,” he yells in my face, his finger poking me in the chest. “I’ve made it pretty fucking clear what I need. I’ve told you from the beginning.”
“A home. A family,” I whisper, not even attempting to stop the tears that are falling. “You can’t have that from me. Let me go so you can find someone who can.”
He grabs my arms, squeezing me. It hurts. Good. I hope he leaves bruises. I want his handprints on my body. It will help me remember that this was real. I have to get him out of my life, but I don’t want to forget a single fucking second of him, either.
“You’ve already given it to me. Don’t take it away. Please, Lucy. Don’t do this to me.”
His voice is getting quiet. His hands are relaxing. His eyes are getting red. I have to get out of here. Now.
“I’m sorry, Bennett. I’m so sorry.”
I pull myself out of his arms and start walking towards the door.
“Lucy, don’t you walk out that fucking door. If you leave me, you’re no different than anyone else.”
I look back and see him on the couch, his head in his hands, broken. He looks like a scared little boy, not like the Bennett I have come to love. Time to go. If I don’t go now, I won’t ever walk out that door again.
I force my feet to move. I refuse to let myself look back at him. As soon as I close the door behind me, I hear screaming, coupled with things crashing against the wall. I get in my car and drive, needing to get as far away from Bennett as I can. He can move on and find someone who can give him what he needs, what he deserves. I can’t be that person. I can‘t let him sit around and wait for me to die. He’s hurting now, but it will hurt worse if we keep our relationship up and I die on him.
I almost make it all the way down his street before I’m forced to pull over, collapsing in the road on my hands and knees, dry heaving. I can’t drive. Hell, I can’t even breathe. When I gain enough control over my body, I call Miller to come pick me up. I’ll worry about my car later.
Knowing Bennett probably won’t show, I have Miller take me straight to the center, even though it’s only six in the morning. I ask Rose to speak to Mr. Hawkins, the administrator. Anyone can see I’m about to snap. She doesn’t ask questions, she just takes us to an office in the back. When Mr. Hawkins comes in, I tell him I want to arrange for home dialysis. Miller knows I am adamantly against this, and have been from the beginning, but he keeps his mouth shut. Just like he did when he picked me up from Bennett’s earlier. He hasn’t asked any questions, and I’m not volunteering any information about my current state of emotions.
Home dialysis is not that cut and dry, Mr. Hawkins explains, but he agrees. I need someone to help me with my treatments. Miller agrees to be responsible for my care. He’s been through the training already. He has to prepare my machine, put the needle in my access site, check my vitals, keep records, order supplies, etc. Right about now, I am thanking God that he went through the training when I started all this bullshit. Mr. Hawkins calls Ana in, telling her about my change in routine. She gets on the phone with a medical supply company, trying to locate a machine for the house.
While she’s on the phone, I ask Mr. Hawkins if I can get my treatment today in a private room. I tell hi
m I don’t want to be disturbed by anyone, under any circumstances. Not even my family. He is reluctant, but finds a room for me to sit in. I can’t have Bennett barging in, trying to finish our conversation from earlier. I am done with Bennett Strickland. I can’t risk seeing him anymore. I never want to see him again.
When I’m at the end of my three hours, Ana comes back in and says someone from the medical supply company will be coming today between noon and four o’clock to install my machine and go over how to use it with me and Miller. She suggests having Mom and Maggie over, as well.
“Just like waiting for the cable guy,” Miller says.
I’m such a pussy. I make Miller go and check to make sure the coast is clear before I leave the room. I don’t want to see Bennett. I am never setting foot back in this place again.
Miller climbs in bed with me. We just got a tutorial on my new roomie, an in-home dialysis machine. Yay. Even though we were told to, I don’t ask Mom to come over. I’m not ready to face her yet. Miller and Maggie were good enough students. Plus, we have an owner’s manual the size of a phone book and a 1-800 number to call if we forget something. We’re all set. Miller starts his new gig in the morning.
“Are you ready to explain all this yet?” he asks.
“I’m done with it all. I just want to be left alone. No more center, no more Bennett. I’m not leaving this room.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Which part are you not understanding, Miller? I. Am. Done.”
“I heard you. I thought you and Bennett were good. What happened?”
“I happened. I can’t expect him to sit around and wait for me to die. I’m not doing that to him. He deserves better than that. Better than me.”
He doesn’t say a word. What’s he supposed to say to that? He just stays with me in bed and lets me wallow in my depression.
More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One Page 17