33 Degrees of Separation (Legacy)

by Rain Carrington

  Pat sunk inward a little. “Oh.”

  Javi laughed at him, but eased it with, “He gets it, Pat. Me? I’d have been hunting you down to knock your as out. Him, he just needs some space.”

  It was nagging on him, the question, so he finally got the courage to ask it. “Javi…did he really say it?”

  While he tried to hide his smile, Javi shook his head. “Jesus, Pat. What are you, a thirteen-year-old girl? You want to know what he said about you?”

  Pat flipped him off and chuckled, then decided to forget it. “Yeah, it’s stupid. What about the rest of it? He’s determined to do this thing?”

  “Yeah. He is. He’s very determined and he won’t let you whisk him off to keep him safe. He’s well aware that anyone left behind would suffer for his safety. Charlie’s kids, man. Pat, you had to know.”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” he admitted. I got caught up in…”

  “In him. I get it, I guess. He’s a good guy. And hot, Jesus…”

  Pat’s eyes narrowed to the point he could barely see, but he didn’t have to see much, only Javier, who he warned, “I swear to God, Javi…”

  “I wouldn’t touch him, Papi. I promise. Just letting you know your taste in men is still impeccable.”

  “I think it’s gotten better. At least this one isn’t a complete asshole who lives to frustrate me.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’m guessing he could frustrate the fuck out of you, and you’d still beg for more.”

  As his voice became a growl, he reminded Javi, “I don’t do the begging. You remember that.”

  “Damn. I sure do.”

  When he got back to the apartment, Ian wasn’t there. He tried not to worry, but when he saw Ian’s car missing, his first instinct was to go looking for him. The problem was, he had no clue where Ian could be. He’d never go back to the cabin, knowing Pat knew its location. If he’d taken off for the space he needed, Pat would be forced to give it to him.

  Pat didn’t want to pace, letting Ian walk into the apartment to see him a nervous wreck, confirming the little confidence Ian thought he had in him. Sitting was impossible, so when Denny saw him, he turned on the television to Netflix, putting on a show he could binge.

  “Whenever Cara and I are having a hard time, I binge on some old TV show, eat a bunch of crap not good for me, and it makes me feel better.”

  “How can that possibly make you feel better?”

  A shoulder shrug was what he got as Denny reasoned, “I don’t know, but it does.”

  Pat hated to admit it, but as he ate the popcorn out of the microwave bag Denny brought him, and they watched a show he’d heard of, but had never seen, Pat’s mind left Ian for a little while, and he did, indeed, feel better.

  That didn’t mean anything, however, when nearly three hours later, Ian walked through the door. The show was forgotten, and Pat wiped his hands on his jeans to rid them of the butter from the popcorn as he stood. “Ian.”

  “Hey, Ian, come sit with us and watch this show. Your boy, here, is all into it.”

  Ian smiled weakly at Denny and told him, “We need to talk first.”

  Denny started to get up to leave, but Ian said, “No, not here. Stay where you are, Denny, please. Pat, will you take a walk with me?”

  The monotone of his voice and his eyes casting down gave Pat the feeling the talk wouldn’t be forgiveness and light. Ian was obviously still upset. He didn’t say a word but went to the door and went into the hall to wait for him.

  They left the building together, taking the sidewalk west. Nothing was said for the first block, but as soon as they started by another apartment building, Ian started, “Stop walking so tense. I’m not mad.”

  While the words were a comfort, the sadness in Ian’s voice made him want to stop and scream for him to explain what was going on. “Ian, I told you, I’m sorry.”

  “I know, Pat. I know you’re sorry, but you don’t need to be. I know that you were doing and planning those things to protect me because you really care about me. And if I didn’t care about you so much, I wouldn’t have gotten so angry about it.”

  Pat was confused, but he didn’t push for clarification. Instead, they walked on, no destination in mind, stopping at corners, turning or crossing the streets as each let their thoughts interpret the situation.

  Finally, five blocks away from the apartment, Ian pulled Pat into an alley, then leaned on the side of a building there. Letting his eyes move over Pat’s face in the dim light, Pat felt his unease grow.

  “Where’d you go, Ian? What’s going on?”

  “I had an errand and it gave me some time to drive and think. I needed that. Some time to get my head together. None of this has been easy for me, as you know, but I know what I have to do, and with your help and Javier’s help, I’m sure I can do it.”

  Pat was relieved when Ian included him. For a moment, he was sure Ian was going to tell him to go back to Washington and leave him to the Grail. “I know you can too. I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t have confidence in you. That wasn’t why I wanted to take you away.”

  “I know that, Pat. Oh, I know, and for the record, if the situation was reversed, I would have wanted to do the same with you. Hide you away so none of this could touch you. I’d still like that for you. It’s only my selfishness that’s kept you here, because you make me feel safe. You don’t have to be here, but I do.”

  “You know I’m not leaving. Even if you told me to go and never come back, Ian, I’d stay and do whatever I could to keep you that way. Safe.”

  “I know that too,” he said with a wistful and sad smile. His hands were flat on the building to his back, his head barely upright. Pat wanted to hold him, make him feel safe again, or tell him that he did love him, but he held back, and he soon found out that was the best decision he’d made that night.

  “Pat, as much as I love you holding me at night, and the few times we’ve kissed, promising so much more…and knowing that we feel so much more than some federal agent simply watching over a guy, we have to put this on hold.”

  Pat shook his head, more confused than ever. “Ian, we have. We are.”

  “No, we’re not, really. We’re not. Those kisses, us sleeping together, even without the sex, or maybe because of that, we’ve gotten so close that we can’t be rational. Not when it comes to what we need to do. If you truly want to take down the Grail and help me, then we need to cool all of this. Either that, or jump all the way into it, and I don’t think either of us is ready to start a relationship, full on, head on, while this other drama is happening.”

  That was the thing. Pat had thought about it in Ian’s absence and he did want that. He wanted to hold Ian every night and kiss him good morning whenever the sun woke them. Making love to him at night, spending the time they weren’t worried about the Grail together, smiling, laughing.

  He had to respect Ian’s wishes, though. “Ian, if that’s what you need to keep your head in the game, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything.”

  Ian didn’t say a word for a full minute, and Pat thought he’d said the wrong thing. Not that that was uncommon for him. “Good,” he finally said, not looking up at him. “I, uh, need that coaching. I don’t know how to spy. I never had that need to watch the neighbors or make up stories about the people in the rundown house at the end of the block, because there wasn’t a rundown house at the end of the block.”

  That was something he could easily do for him. “Ian,” Pat said, moving to him, unable to stop. He pinched Ian’s chin to make him move his head and look at him. “I’ll get you ready. I’ll push you to be ready. I’ll probably piss you off because I’ll push so hard, but it’s out of the way I feel, no matter if we’re cooling it or not.”

  “Good.”

  “I’ll want you to be ready for anything. I want Javi to help me train you in self-defense, so you can defend yourself physically, and how to shoot, all of it. And we’ll also teach you how to take details in and hold onto them, though you�
��re pretty good at that already.”

  “I am?”

  Pat smiled and assured, “You can remember things about a house you want to restore right down to the type of wood and how old it is. Shit, I can’t remember the color of the walls in my apartment.”

  Ian’s smile belied the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Pat…I…”

  “Shh. When this is over, Ian, we’ll have time for all of it. All the words, the touches, everything.”

  Ian wrapped his arms around Pat’s neck and drew him close, pressing their lips together. Instead of confusing Pat, making him wonder if Ian had changed his mind, he knew what it was. A last kiss so they could get it out of the way and concentrate on what they had to do.

  So, being it could be the last for quite a while, Pat put all of himself into it, pushing Ian into the wall, holding him tight, but tenderly as he slowly kissed the man, hoping to express in the kiss a little of what he felt.

  Ian didn’t hold back either, scratching his fingers down Pat’s back, humming into the kiss, the tears coming from his eyes wetting Pat’s face too. There was so much expressed in it, all the love he was feeling for Ian, the love he was getting in the return and the pain of having to wait to be together in all the ways they desired.

  When it ended, Pat held him close, unwilling to let go right away. The front of his shirt was soaked with Ian’s tears, but he didn’t mind a bit. He was having hell trying to suppress his own.

  “We should get back. I have to study for a while and get some sleep.”

  His voice was hoarse, and he seemed so weak, but he moved from Pat’s arms, heading back to the apartment. Pat followed, his own legs barely able to carry him. The entire thing had taken any strength he had.

  Denny was waiting up, his lips shining from the butter from the new bag of popcorn. Ian went right to his room, closing the door, while Pat took his place back on the couch.

  “That good, huh?”

  Pat chuckled dryly. “Denny, if we don’t…end up together, um, don’t ever leave his side in life. Please? He needs a constant.”

  “Couldn’t drag me away, Pat. He became a brother to me long ago.”

  “Good. Good, that makes me feel better.”

  Denny muted the television show and turned fully to him. “I don’t want to be the only constant though. I’ve never seen him so fucked up over anyone.”

  “That’s the problem, Denny. He shouldn’t be fucked up over a guy in the middle of…everything else.”

  “Yeah, well, sometimes being fucked up over someone is the best medicine for everything else. Believe me.”

  “We may never know.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  For the next two weeks, Pat took out all his longing, desire and the heavy sexual tension between them and turned it into a workout, and for every moment he wasn’t studying, Pat forced him to lift, run, or the latest, work on the mixed martial arts he was being taught.

  On their latest run, he was doing well, great form, great enough that Pat felt his mouth fill with saliva whenever he’d try to look over and critique him. They stopped halfway up the steep hill they’d decided to take on that morning, and Ian was doubled over as he tried to catch his breath.

  Pat took that moment to remind him, “As soon as your last class is over, Javi wants us to meet up with him for another shooting lesson, and maybe get in a few hours on the computer.”

  Groaning loudly, Ian sat back in the dirt, grimacing at Pat through the sweat pouring over his face. “I don’t know who’s worse, you or him.”

  “You asked for it,” he reminded.

  “I did. I’m glad, but I’m so tired, I could drop. For some reason, though, it’s helping me in my finals. I’m not studying half as much, but I’m focused as hell when I sit down to take them.”

  Pat sat on a log that was across the trail from him. He kept his distance whenever possible. “There is a correlation between working the body and being more alert and focused. I’ve read studies. Even bone tired, I’d always absorb more for my written tests at the academy after a full day of physical training.”

  “And here I thought you were just trying to keep us from being horny around each other,” he teased, giving him a wink.

  “Yeah, that too,” Pat admitted, throwing a twig in Ian’s direction, which he avoided perfectly. Even his reflexes were improving.

  “So where is Javi this time?”

  Pat chuckled at the question, which was a good one. Every time they’d met with the paranoid former mercenary, he was in a different, recently abandoned home. “I have the cryptic directions, don’t worry.”

  “Ever notice there’s still clothes in the closets, soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms? He wouldn’t…he’s not…?”

  The question wasn’t rude, as Pat had noticed. If he thought that Javi was doing anything untoward to the people who owned the homes, he’d have stopped him immediately. “Javi wouldn’t, Ian. When he was recruited to do what he did for the government, he did what he was told out of a sense of duty. After a while, though, that duty didn’t fit his own morals and beliefs. He’s killed, Ian, but he’s not a killer. He cares for the innocent more than you could guess and refused to hurt them in the process of getting the bad guys any longer. That’s where he and the government parted ways, which they didn’t take well.”

  “Why is he still alive? I know that sounds bad, but…”

  “It’s a reasonable question. He shouldn’t be. He ran for a long time, then he got tired of being on defense, so he went on the offense. He took those skills they’d taught him and used them against them. He has a bunch on them now. He’s an information collector, Ian. He finds out the dirt and uses it to keep himself safe, get jobs, money, whatever. He’s survived.”

  He could see Ian struggling with that. “He’s a criminal, but a good one? Like fucking Robin Hood or something?”

  “I would never go that far,” he laughed. “He does what he has to do. Let’s put it that way. The men he’s worked with over the years, like Charlie, still go to him above anyone when they need something important and discrete done or found out. That’s why he was Charlie’s first choice for this.”

  “He said he’s using the list of Grail members I could get him so far. Nothing much has come up, though. Not that I thought it would. They are all about blending in, being discrete, all that. I doubt he finds much on any of them.”

  “He’ll keep at it until he does. See, he didn’t just want to rise in the ranks because of duty and love for his country, which he has in spades, but he’s also competitive. Not with others, but with himself. He sets these goals for himself and will not rest until he reaches them.”

  Pat watched Ian’s eyes cloud, then he looked away entirely before he asked, “Are you one of those goals now that you and I have decided not to be together in that way?”

  It made him feel good and terrible all at once. Ian wanted to assure he and Javi hadn’t reignited their former relationship. “Ian, I don’t want anyone else. I can’t even think of all that, anyway.” He swallowed while he watched Ian continue to scrutinize him.

  Ian didn’t seem to believe him, but he wasn’t going to get into that conversation. Talking about them, he and Ian, it hurt too much. To be so close to him, and not have him in his arms was harder than he’d thought.

  Pat rose from the log and pointed down the hill. “Two more miles, then to Javi for some shooting practice.”

  “You guys know I’ve been shooting for years, right? My father is a conservative and one of the few things he did with me is take me to the best ranges to learn to shoot.”

  Pat stopped before he could take off down the hill. He watched Ian closely, then posed the question that had been nagging him. “Ian, your father…if he did know that it wasn’t going to be you, you don’t have reason to hate him anymore. Without telling him you suspect that, why don’t you try to have a relationship with him?”

  “He’s a fucking Grail, Pat! He’s one of them! How can you even ask me that
?”

  As much as he was protesting, Pat heard the longing and hurt in his voice, and Ian must have known that, because he took off down the hill, running dangerously fast for the steep grade.

  Pat went after him, but not to stop him. Fathers and sons, one of the hardest and most volatile relationships there ever had been. The love a son had for his father could be complete hero worship, or the son could blame everything negative in his life on his father. Then there were a hundred degrees between that.

  He had his own issues with his father. Pat thought of the distance there was with them. Pat’s father came from a time and the kind of men that didn’t readily show affection, not to their male relations. Hugs were for fathers to give their daughter. To their son, it was a handshake. While not readily affectionate, his father showed his love in other ways.

  As they were in the car, getting ready to head to Javier, he confided this to Ian. “Not all fathers tuck their sons into bed at night with a kiss and a story, Ian. My father came from a line of “men had to be men” types. Italian, you know, macho, the whole nine yards.

  “The ways some fathers show their love is to teach their sons things, like shooting. Mine was all about throwing the ball around in the back yard or the lot down the street. He dreamed of me being a major league baseball player,” Pat explained with a dry laugh. “I was terrible at it. A great disappointment. Still, all those Sunday afternoons after church, there we’d be, having a catch, as he called it, and laughing. We laughed a lot.”

  Ian was quiet for a long time, but then admitted, “Shooting wasn’t the only thing. He’d take me to work with him sometimes. I don’t know if it’s the same, though. I feel now like he was just grooming me to take over the businesses, and the money and all that.”

  “Maybe not, Ian.”

  Ian sighed, and in that sound was all the sadness one would expect, but there was more. Since Javi had told Ian that his father may have known that Ian wasn’t truly in danger of a real bullet in the gun he’d handed his son, Ian was deep in thought whenever the subject of his father arose. There was an internal struggle, where Ian wanted to hate and blame his father for all the bad the Grail had done and may still do. Then there was the other side of that, where he was looking for good in his father, and Pat was afraid of that. If Ian the second got to his son, made him believe he was even a little good, Ian might start to trust him with information, or worse. Ian could become a true member of the Grail and truly become one of them.