No More Pretending

by Bette Hawkins

  “I want to buy you something that you’re worthy of. Something as beautiful as you are. You deserve for the whole world to see you like I do,” Josh read mechanically, then looked up at Harper. “If a guy said that to you, would you know how he meant it? It’s not supposed to be an insult. When we do the scene I won’t play it like that at all.”

  Harper squirmed as three sets of eyes looked at her expectantly. She didn’t know anything about movies but it certainly sounded like something that would make her cringe if she saw it played out onscreen.

  “Well…I’m not the person to answer that question,” she deflected.

  “Why not? Just imagine yourself in that position, like if a dude said that to you,” Josh persisted. “It’s chivalrous or whatever.”

  “I wouldn’t be in that position,” Harper replied. “So I don’t know.”

  “Don’t be obtuse. It’s a movie. Maybe you wouldn’t be exactly in that position but you can understand what we’re saying. It’s a fantasy. Imagine if Josh here offered to sweep you off your feet,” Sal said. Josh helpfully put his hand under his chin and smoldered at her.

  Harper looked around the room. Growing up in a small town, the assumption that she must like men always had more of an influence over her life than she wanted. In some ways, it was understandable, and she could never forget that she was a member of a minority. But it exasperated her all the same. Oftentimes she didn’t bother to correct people when they treated her like she was heterosexual, but with all of them pressing her like this it felt like her only way out.

  “No, I’m saying, I don’t even date guys,” Harper clarified. “So I really can’t help you on this one. I’m not really an expert on the boy-girl thing. I’m not exactly your target demographic for this, I don’t think.”

  “Oh,” Sal said, nodding.

  Harper glanced over at Lauren, who appeared to have just stopped short of doing a spit-take into her coffee. Did Lauren think she was sharing too much personal information? Harper didn’t think of it that way anymore, not after spending time in New York where nobody cared. She had long since come out to her friends and family. The notion that sexuality had to be a private affair had always bothered her, especially when the idea never seemed to apply to people who were heterosexual. Where possible, she treated it like just another fact about herself.

  “So you see, I can’t help you out,” Harper elaborated when nobody said anything.

  “Oh that’s nonsense, you’re still a woman aren’t you?” Sal said, unfazed. “Actually you’re the perfect person to ask because you probably know women better than I do. Forget about Josh, let’s say that it was Lauren who offered you all that stuff. Lauren’s practically down on bended knee telling you that you’re beautiful, that she wants to give you everything.”

  Harper deliberately didn’t look in Lauren’s direction. An image flashed through her mind of Lauren doing just that. Lauren’s upturned face, the gaze toward Harper open and unafraid. Harper pushed it away.

  Harper could see that despite her best efforts she wasn’t going to be able to wriggle out of the situation. She took a moment to choose her words carefully. “With all due respect to you, Sal, I have to agree with Lauren. It doesn’t send a great message. I’d be crushed if I got all ready for a date and that was the reaction to what I was wearing. I would want someone who liked me for who I already am and not what they could change me into. I think deep down that’s what everyone wants.”

  Harper looked at the three of them, each sitting there with their faces turned toward her. Her eyes caught on Lauren’s.

  “That’s exactly what I was trying to say,” Lauren chimed in gratefully. Lauren smiled, and Harper returned it.

  “Okay,” Sal said reluctantly. “You do put it persuasively. Maybe you’re right. We could find another way to get my point across. Okay, thanks Harper. I’ll call you back in here later when we’re done,” he said, rubbing his hands together as though he was excited to get to work.

  Before Harper walked out, she took one more glance at Lauren. Lauren was still smiling at her, but her eyes quickly dropped. Harper was used to that by now, but she had noticed that there was an appraising quality to her stare this time. Maybe she was trying to fit the new information about Harper into her concept of who Harper was. She was used to people being surprised and looking at her differently when they found out she was gay, so it was nothing new. At least now the information was out there and there could be no misunderstandings.

  Harper’s job became busier when they started filming. Sal’s demeanor changed as his stress levels went up, and she had to get used to him barking orders at her. Her job was mainly comprised of replying to messages from the people at the studio, who Sal seemed very much invested in avoiding. She also spent her days going to get him things that seemed unimportant to her but that he claimed he needed. Half the time when she brought whatever it was, he had already lost interest by the time she got there. Once he sent her on an hour-long drive to find him a brand of soda that he was feeling nostalgic for, but she saw the unopened can sitting on his desk a day later.

  Harper often ran around delivering recent changes to scenes because Sal was constantly tinkering with the script. Harper had found out that Sal was neurotic about locking in lines and always wanted to change them at the last minute right before filming a scene. People often groaned when she passed them yet another new set of pages.

  They were shooting out on location at a local farmhouse, and Sal asked her to go and see Lauren in the hair and makeup trailer with some new pages. When she walked in, they didn’t notice her at first. Lauren and the woman bent down toward her were laughing over something.

  “Seriously, where are you flying with all that baggage under your eyes? You look like crap,” the makeup woman said, dipping her finger into lotion and applying it to Lauren’s skin. Ordinarily Harper would have assumed she was being rude, but it was obvious from Lauren’s laughter that it was all in good fun.

  “Just cover it up. Isn’t that what they’re paying you for?” Lauren said. She jumped at Harper’s movement, which must have caught her eye in the mirror.

  “Oh hey, Harper,” Lauren said, slightly breathless.

  Harper’s eyes met Lauren’s reflection, and Lauren smiled warmly at her. Harper didn’t know what the makeup lady was talking about. She wouldn’t have covered up a thing.

  “Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt. Sal asked me to give you these.”

  “Don’t tell me,” Lauren said, taking the paper-clipped pages from Harper. “It’s a rewrite of today’s scene. And to think I had those lines down cold. I really don’t know why I bother.”

  “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news,” Harper replied.

  Harper could barely keep the smile off her face when she spoke to Lauren lately. Perhaps it was because Lauren had come across as withholding for so long. If Lauren could converse with her in the easy way she was right now, it meant that they had gotten somewhere.

  “Who are you?” the makeup person interrupted them, looking back and forth between Harper and Lauren.

  “Oh, I’m sorry Martha. You haven’t met yet? This is Sal’s new assistant, Harper,” Lauren introduced them. “And Harper, this is Martha, who, as you can see, is doing my makeup. We’ve worked together before. She’s a wizard.”

  Martha looked Harper up and down. “You’re a striking one. I thought you were in the movie for a second. You sure you’re not?”

  Harper flushed. Martha seemed like one of those outgoing people who never had a self-conscious moment, but Harper was embarrassed by her open evaluation. Harper wasn’t exactly the self-conscious type herself, but it was different when Lauren was watching her.

  “Nope, just Sal’s hired help,” Harper joked uneasily. Her eyes darted toward Lauren again. Lauren had turned in her chair to watch the exchange. She was smiling at Harper, but the expression didn’t quite reach her eyes.

  Martha gave her a wave. “It’s nice to meet you. And seriously, you’re gor
geous. I wish you were in the film. I’d love to paint that face of yours. It would be like working on a classic movie star.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” Harper said, ignoring the rest of her statement. Harper never gave that much thought to her looks and had always been confident enough, but Martha was definitely overdoing it.

  Martha had gone back over to stand next to Lauren. “Don’t you think she’s gorgeous?” she asked, elbowing Lauren lightly and gesturing toward Harper.

  Harper stood uncomfortably. Lauren was staring at her and wasn’t smiling any more. Harper couldn’t understand why Lauren didn’t say anything. In any other circumstances, or if this exchange had occurred when they had first met, she might have assumed that Lauren was jealous of the attention. Harper knew now that Lauren wasn’t like that, so her silence was puzzling.

  Finally, Lauren looked back at the mirror. “Martha, we should get this done. I’m going to try to learn these as much as I can while you’re working.”

  “I’d better be getting back to it too. Good luck with the new lines,” Harper said, relieved that she’d been released from the conversation.

  As soon as Harper had left the trailer, Martha resumed her work on Lauren’s makeup.

  “She really does look like she’s from another time doesn’t she? If I liked the ladies, I’d be all over that. Hell, maybe I would do it anyway if given the chance,” Martha cackled.

  “Do you have your next job booked already?” Lauren asked abruptly.

  Lauren was desperate to change the subject, but thankfully Martha seemed to have no idea how uncomfortable the conversation was making her. Lauren knew she was expected to join in and that talking about another woman’s looks was supposed to be no big deal, but she could never talk about Harper that way. She would mean it far too much. When Martha began talking about Harper’s looks, Lauren just felt panicked.

  Words that she shouldn’t say had been on the tip of her tongue. That Harper was all the things Martha had said and more, and that she couldn’t think of a more beautiful person.

  The fact that Harper seemed so comfortable with herself only made her more attractive. Lauren didn’t know if she was envious of Harper right now or just admired her. The dominant emotion was definitely admiration. Lauren just could not imagine being able to talk about her sexuality to colleagues as openly as Harper did. Harper’s casual coming-out made her feel even more inauthentic.

  Harper pointing out that she wasn’t into guys had taken Lauren’s breath away for other reasons. Harper was gay, and that meant there was a chance. Lauren’s attraction to her had grown and had become more intense. It would be simpler if Harper were straight and unattainable. Not that Lauren thought a girl like Harper would necessarily be into her, but the revelation at least placed mutual feelings in the realm of possibility.

  Lauren had found herself spending time lately wondering if Harper was in a relationship. And if she was, what did her partner look like? Was she pretty, or athletic, or really smart? Lauren would love to ask Harper if she had someone, but couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t make her sound nosy or inappropriate. They didn’t know one another well enough yet. Yet Lauren was jealous of the hypothetical person she imagined, the one that might get to share a life with Harper.

  Lauren tried to turn her thoughts away and focus on what Martha was saying, but her mind was a million miles away. It had followed Harper out of the door.

  Chapter Seven

  Since she had encountered Harper, Lauren had started walking around the same park each time she went out. It had tree-lined paths and a beautiful stone sculpture in the center, so it didn’t bother her to keep coming back on the chance that she might run into Harper again. Though she barely knew Harper, talking to her made Lauren feel less alone. The town was full of strangers who were happy to say hello to her, but it was only when she talked to Harper that she felt fully seen. Harper had a gift for making her feel at ease, or at least that would be the case if Lauren weren’t always so distracted by how attractive she was.

  The fourth time Lauren returned to the park, she got her wish. She had taken Chester off his lead and was watching him run happily around in circles, his tongue hanging from his mouth. When she saw Harper jogging in their direction, she felt a surge of anxiety. It was always safer for her to imagine things in her own head than to have them actually happen no matter how much she wanted them to.

  “Hi,” Lauren greeted her. Harper looked impossibly attractive in her running clothes, a loose long shirt and tights that showed how toned her legs were.

  “Hey!” Harper smiled back at her. “How are you? And how are you, little guy?”

  She bent down and scratched Chester behind the ears. He had run over to them when he saw that Lauren was talking to someone. Chester jumped up and put his paws on Harper’s thighs, eagerly panting up at her.

  “Get down Chester!”

  “I don’t mind. He’s so sweet. This little guy is really making me wish I had one of my own.”

  “He likes you. He’s a little lonely, actually,” Lauren said, aware that she might be talking about herself.

  After the initial burst of enjoying solitude, she had started to miss having someone to talk to when she went home at night. Maybe she had been lonely for years, but her hectic schedule and the time she spent with her friends had helped to cover it up. Lauren had been trying to ignore the empty feeling and make the most of the time by herself. She baked more food than she would ever be able to eat. She read books that previously lay unopened in her apartment for months. During one restless night, she even pulled out a notebook and started jotting down ideas for a plot outline. She had forgotten how good it felt to be creative, how much it made her feel like she was doing something inspiring and important.

  “Why is he lonely?” Harper asked.

  “I’ve just been working such long days. Normally I’ve got an assistant with me to help out if I can’t give him enough attention, but she stayed back home this time. I know I sound like I’m talking about a baby. He’s not that high maintenance, but he does like company.”

  “Can’t you bring him to the set? I thought I’d seen him with you there before?”

  “I did at first, but it’s harder to do that when I’m filming, I can’t supervise him enough. He ends up being cooped up and tearing the place apart. Sal would kill me if I kept him with me and he interrupted filming.”

  “I’d be happy to help you look after him at work,” Harper offered.

  “You don’t have to do that. But thank you so much.”

  “No, really, I’d love to have him around. If Sal doesn’t object, I can take him with me while I’m doing errands and stuff. Between us he’d get plenty of attention. He seems like a really well behaved dog,” Harper said, the sincerity in her eyes clear. Lauren was just now noticing how deep and brown they were, and it was hard to not get distracted.

  Lauren nodded. “That would be amazing.” Aside from the benefits it would yield for Chester, she quickly calculated it would give her a reason to talk to Harper more often. “We could always try it and see if it works out. Or just try doing it a couple of days a week. Even that would make a big difference. If it’s too much trouble you can stop the arrangement, no questions asked. Thank you so much for thinking of it.”

  “No problem. If you’re not doing anything right now, do you want to walk with me for a while?”

  The two of them walked around the park making small talk. If she was careful to not look into those eyes, she could almost act completely normal.

  When Harper arrived at work the next day, Lauren was waiting outside of the office. She had the end of Chester’s leash wrapped around her wrist, and she was holding a big plastic container. Even though Lauren was standing in the place that they had talked about at the time they had agreed upon, she looked jumpy. It was as though she didn’t think she was supposed to be there.

  There were so many people walking up and down the hall that Lauren didn’t seem
to notice Harper’s presence. Harper took in the delicate cheekbones and the hair that fell from her ponytail around her face. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt that made her look even smaller standing there. There was something about Lauren’s vulnerability that caused a rush of tenderness in Harper. She had an urge to walk up to her and reassure her, to tell her that everything was okay. Why did someone as amazing as Lauren seem so unsure of herself all of the time?

  Harper shook the thought from her head. It was a silly thing for her to be even thinking about. Lauren was a movie star with a boyfriend. There wasn’t any person less suitable for her to take an interest in. It was harmless if she didn’t let it get the better of her. To be fair, she wasn’t even sure if it were the beginnings of a crush or just protectiveness she felt.

  “Good morning.” Harper loved watching Lauren come alive when she said hello, her sad expression erased. A slow shy smile spread until it lit up her whole face. They stood facing one another for a moment until Harper finally pointed out the plastic container Lauren held. “What have you got there?”

  “Huh?” Lauren said, looking down at her hands. “They’re for you. As a thank you,” she muttered, offering the container.

  “That’s so lovely of you. Thanks.” Harper took the container from her and opened a corner of the lid. The smell of freshly baked muffins reached her nose.

  “Double chocolate. I hope you like muffins?” Lauren said.

  “You bet I do, especially chocolate. You really didn’t have to, but thanks again.”

  Lauren pushed a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled at Harper. The smile was so warm and open and its loveliness struck Harper unexpectedly. Harper’s stomach fluttered as she smiled back. One of the assistant director’s voices interrupted them.