Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer (Nightmares Trilogy)

by Carlton, Demelza

  "I see." I kept my voice equally flat.

  "Please. You promised," Caitlin sobbed. "No, don't let them..."

  "Who's she talking to?" the nurse asked.

  "Me. She wants me to help her." It came out bitter. Because I couldn't stop her nightmares.

  The nurse looked like she wanted to ask something else, but I didn't want to explore this any further. I let my eyes wander over her body. When I lifted my eyes to her face, I gave her a look that plainly said, "Damn, not bad." I hated myself for raising her expectations, knowing I was only going to dash them again in moments. She looked flustered, and I took the opportunity to get rid of her.

  "If there's nothing you can do for her, then I guess you're better off going back to the nurses' station, or wherever else you're needed." I flashed her my most charming smile, feeling cheap for not following it up with anything else. "Go to tea, Carol." Which Carol did, without hesitation.

  I stayed by Caitlin, where I promised I'd be, Nurse Carol's words running through my head. She won't be waking up for a while. Caitlin wouldn't miss me if I went downstairs for a few minutes. Not if she wasn't waking up for a while.

  I'd be back before she woke up. Perhaps I could make up for my curt dismissal of Nurse Carol and offer to pay for her tea.

  Caitlin was weeping quietly now, oblivious to me. I stood up and moved away from her toward the door, thinking of joining Nurse Carol for tea, coffee or anything else she cared to name. Maybe getting to know the shapely Singaporean girl better...

  "No... please... don't leave me!" Caitlin's voice grew louder and more panicked with each word. "You promised!" Swearing softly, I sat down beside her again and she was silent.

  Swearing a bit more, I realised there was only one way I was going to get any more sleep tonight.

  I grabbed a sheet and pillow from my bed and carefully cocooned her body in her own sheet. I squeezed in behind her, so I was half under her pillow and up against the headboard. If she hadn't been so small, I wouldn't have fitted.

  So, I didn't get to have a drink with Nurse Carol, but I got the consolation of sleeping with Caitlin.

  I stuck my pillow behind me to cushion my head from the cold, laminated surface of the headboard and spread my sheet over myself as best I could. My last thought before I fell asleep was that, under better circumstances, with a bigger bed and less clothes, I'd be happy to climb into bed with Caitlin, so maybe this wasn't so bad after all...

  Ah, who was I kidding? It was a bloody nightmare.

  6

  Hold her for me.

  No...

  Hold her still.

  No...

  Don't touch me!

  Hold her down, I said.

  Touch me and I'll kick your face in!

  How are you going to do that with him holding you down?

  I said...

  No!

  7

  Movement and sound in the room startled me awake. I mumbled something vaguely threatening and opened my eyes.

  Nurse Carol was smiling, standing beside the bed, reaching toward my lap.

  Wow. The hot nurse was back. Yes, please!

  But of course she wasn't here for me. She brushed aside Caitlin's hair and checked her temperature. When she was done, she smoothed Caitlin's hair back down over her ear, just as it was before. Her fingers rested on the pillow beside Caitlin's head for a moment before she pulled them away. Caitlin's pillow lay across my lap, hiding my eagerness. Thank God.

  Nurse Carol walked away from me to pick up the clipboard that held Caitlin's medical chart. She started flipping through it, carefully writing down her observations, her lips moving soundlessly.

  More than disappointed, I opened my mouth to say something to draw the nurse's attention to me.

  I closed my mouth quickly when Carol's eyes shifted from the medical chart in her hands to my face. "It's good that you care about her so much. She'll need all your help and support when she wakes up."

  What the hell could I say to that? I'd be a callous, lying scumbag if I said I didn't care whether Caitlin recovered or not, but she made me sound like the girl's boyfriend if I didn't say it. So I said nothing.

  She tucked Caitlin's chart back into its pocket at the end of the bed. "You shouldn't be in her bed with her, though. One of the other nurses will kick you out if I don't."

  Hey, if she had a better offer for me, I'd be there. I looked up at her and thought about saying it, but decided I couldn't. Not yet.

  I cleared my throat. "She sleeps better when I'm here." I smiled ruefully. "So do I, because she's quieter, too."

  Carol smiled at me. "Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. I hope you get some sleep, for the rest of the night." She took a deep breath. "Take good care of her. We all want to see her make a full recovery."

  "So do I," I admitted, wanting to say more.

  While I was working out how to ask her out for later, she left.

  My chances with Nurse Carol crashed and burned. All because I got into bed with Caitlin.

  I shrugged and settled back to sleep, Caitlin's head still pillowed in my lap.

  Maybe later, when this job was over, I'd ask Nurse Carol to come join me for a drink. Maybe if I asked nicely, she'd even wear a nurse's uniform, one heaps sexier than the one she wore to work... hell yeah! Sweet dreams, here I come.

  8

  Breathing in the dark.

  Not just mine.

  Help me. Get me out of here.

  Holding my breath.

  Breathe in, breathe out.

  Approaching, closer.

  Too dark to see.

  Breathing faster.

  Are you going to hurt me?

  Sharp intake of breath.

  ARE YOU GOING TO HURT ME?

  Almost panting.

  Too close.

  No...

  9

  "You're mad," my sister told me, handing me the bag of clothes I'd asked for. "You find some random girl left for dead on a beach, promise you'll protect her from someone who hurt her who's already dead, only to find out he has mates, so you're going to stick around to protect her from all of them, too? It could be years before the police put them away – if they ever find them! What are you going to do, stay with her for the rest of her life? Marry her?" She snorted with laughter.

  I shook my head, rubbing at my bleary eyes in the hope that it would wake me up. Caitlin had woken me with her screaming more than once last night. "I promised I'd be here when she wakes up. She's been out for longer than I expected, is all. She's been through more than anyone should ever have to and I'm not going to do that to her – just go home and let her wake up alone."

  Chris was quick to notice the gaps in my explanation. "How do you know what she's been through? She's barely been conscious since you found her!"

  "I don't," I admitted. "But... she has nightmares... even with the drugs they're giving her, and they sound pretty bad. And... I saw what she looked like when I found her. It wasn't pretty." I suppressed a shudder, but she noticed anyway.

  "How bad is it? Can I see her?"

  We were in the lounge at the end of the ward. It was only a short walk back to Caitlin's room, but still I hesitated. "Don't touch her," I warned. If she touched her, she'd scream again and I couldn't handle it. I just couldn't.

  "Wh..." She started to ask a question, but she looked like she was having trouble deciding which to ask first. Why she'd want to touch her, why she couldn't, or even what in hell I was thinking. Instead, she shrugged and followed me back to the hospital room.

  She thought I was crazy. She could be right.

  The guard outside the door looked askance at Chris. I nodded to him and he let her pass unchallenged. Chris didn't acknowledge the police officer at all.

  She stopped just inside the door and stared, looking puzzled.

  I looked closely at Caitlin, trying to work out precisely what Chris was staring at.

  It couldn't be the bruises on Caitlin's pale face. They'd faded to faint shad
ows now. She looked as beautiful as the first day I'd seen her.

  Caitlin's hands rested by her face on the pillow, each finger individually bandaged and splinted, an IV line slipped between the gauze. The bandages extended down her wrists, like long, white gloves. She wore a hospital-issue nightgown and she'd managed to kick the bedclothes off in her struggle against her nightmares, so everything the scanty nightgown didn't cover was on show. White dressings were stuck to her back, with more on her legs, particularly her ankles and her thighs. Bruises covered her exposed skin in a disturbing rainbow of dark colours.

  Before I could stop her, Chris crossed the room and grabbed Caitlin's sheet. She yanked it up to Caitlin's chin, covering her up almost completely. Her eyes turned to me. "You need to take your own advice."

  I was annoyed at my sister. "It's not like that. Have you ever known me to take advantage of a girl, without her permission?"

  Chris frowned deeply, her eyebrows almost meeting. "She's not like any of the girls you usually bring home. She's younger, more fragile..." She stopped, looking lost for words, before her tone changed abruptly. "How in hell did this little girl survive all that?" She waved a hand over Caitlin's body, encompassing everything now covered by the sheet.

  "No one knows," I told her shortly, sitting heavily on the visitor's chair by Caitlin's bed. "But when she wakes up, it's one of the first things I'll ask her."

  "Yeah, well, I hope that's soon." She paused and looked at Caitlin again. "Or you'll have to adopt her."

  10

  Kissed me.

  Two of them.

  Pinned me, forced me, kissed me.

  Why?

  Because I can.

  Nothing you can do to stop me.

  First one smelled and tasted bad.

  Rough. Hurt me. Told me what they'd do later.

  Fear. Cold.

  Wanting to cry.

  Won't show weakness.

  Stuff you.

  Second one... didn't want to let go.

  Called me beautiful.

  Oh God. Sorry...

  11

  A week without sleep and I was having trouble focussing. I couldn't sleep in Caitlin's bed with her, she'd scream the place down if I slept in my bed or anywhere else, and I couldn't wake her up. I swear I was so exhausted my eyes kept closing of their own accord, but it was only a matter of time before she had another nightmare and woke me.

  "Help me, get me out of here!" Caitlin screamed.

  I tried calling and then shouting her name, begging her to wake up.

  "You promised..." Caitlin sobbed.

  I tried talking over her, saying whatever came into my head. I may as well have talked to myself. She was oblivious to whatever I said.

  "Let me go, you bastard!" Caitlin's hoarse voice hissed as I crossed the room to the bathroom.

  I saturated a face washer with cold water from the bathroom basin and squeezed it out so that it dripped onto her face and neck.

  She started to cry. Her voice was a raw whimper. "Please... so cold. Give me my clothes back. Or a blanket. Get me out of here..."

  I picked up her medical charts, trying to decipher her doctor's scribbled terminology in the hope that it would put me to sleep. The word hypothermia caught my eye on the first page and I looked more closely at the hieroglyphics surrounding it. I remembered how cold she'd been on the beach, too cold to shiver in air that was close to freezing.

  Oh, shit.

  I got a towel from the bathroom and dried every droplet off her skin. I wrapped her up in her hospital-issue blanket and hugged her 'til her tears dried up, too. Dawn came before sleep did.

  I called my sister and asked her to get me some earplugs. I tried them the very next night. I got to sleep fine but Caitlin's nightmares just got worse until she was screaming so loud the earplugs were useless. It took forever to calm her down.

  "Please, don't let them..." Caitlin begged, over and over. Her words echoed in my head even after she lost her voice.

  The earplugs were in the bin before the sun rose.

  I prayed to any deity who'd listen that Caitlin would wake up and the nightmares would stop.

  "Oh God, please, stop..." Caitlin sobbed.

  Yes, please, stop.

  No deity heard me. Her cries for help were more heartfelt, more urgent and delivered in a far more desperate voice than mine. Even I listened and I couldn't do a damn thing for her.

  I don't deny I was desperate to leave. But the more I heard of her nightmares, the more I realised the horror of what she'd been through. I wasn't cruel enough to leave her here alone when I'd promised her I'd stay 'til she woke up.

  "Please... you promised..." Caitlin's voice was a pitiful moan.

  I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for not helping her sooner.

  I turned the TV on, to find it was Disney time. Close to the end of it, I guessed, because Prince Charming was about to kiss some girl in a long, impractical dress and make the whole world perfect again. She woke up and was so pleased to see this perfect stranger in her bedroom that she fell for him, instead of calling the police.

  Wouldn't it be nice if the world worked on Disney principles...

  I couldn't begrudge Caitlin one kiss, in the faintest hope it would help. Hell, it couldn't hurt, could it?

  I shook my head and laughed at my own misguided idea. Sleep deprivation makes you think of stupid things.

  I dozed fitfully until the sun went down and woke to screaming.

  Some hours later, in desperation, darkness and insanity, I kissed her. I pressed my lips to hers for a second – nothing more. She froze for that second, then called me names and tried to claw my eyes out. My heart sinking with guilt, I closed my eyes and held my hands up in surrender, backing away slowly. I didn't dare touch her again, let alone try to fend her off.

  What kind of scumbag kissed a girl without her permission as she slept? A lower form of scum than the bloke who stole her ice cream. Kids' cartoons had no concept of rape. Prince Charming was never up on an assault charge, no matter how much the sleazy bastard deserved it.

  I pressed the nurse call button. There was nothing I could do to calm Caitlin down this time.

  They had to reset three of her broken fingers and there wasn't a scratch on me. I kept my own fingers crossed that the nurses didn't ask me how or why Caitlin had ripped through the dressings on her hands. By some twist of fate, they didn't say a word to me at all. Good thing, too, because I wasn't sure I had the guts to admit to anyone what I'd done.

  I paced up and down at the end of her bed 'til the nurses were done. When Caitlin's fingers were firmly wrapped once more, the nurses left.

  Caitlin was quiet for a few moments and I lay down on my own bed to try and get some sleep.

  "Let me go, you bastard!" she hissed through gritted teeth, but with considerable venom.

  "You keep fighting them, even in your dreams," I mumbled in her direction, closing my eyes. "Whatever you do, angel, don't you let them win, no matter what."

  "Keep fighting. Don't let them win," she murmured softly.

  I sat up in surprise, looking at her, but her eyes were still closed.

  Come on, Caitlin, wake up. It's my turn to sleep.

  But still she slept.

  12

  Waking up in the dark.

  Drugged blur. Couldn't see. Head hurt.

  Tied up.

  Cut myself free, dizzy when I stood up.

  Angry voices in the dark.

  Open door and light.

  Running, pushing past him in the doorway.

  Too dizzy. Dark again. Falling.

  His hands on me.

  I'll bite.

  He laughed.

  They're going to hurt me...

  13

  "I have a few more questions." The police officer who came into Caitlin's room was familiar. Was he the one who'd started interrogating me the night we arrived in hospital, before giving me information? Or was he a hallucination, the unwanted child of sleep
deprivation?

  Caitlin hadn't slept well last night, either. Caitlin never slept well any night. She slept and screamed but didn't wake up. I was forgetting what it was like to sleep at all. My eyes itched from fatigue.

  I responded cautiously, "Okay."

  "Has she woken up yet?" He leaned over Caitlin's bed, looking closely at her face. He reached out, as if to shake her shoulder.

  "Don't touch her," I blurted out, wincing.

  His hand stopped, curved not far from her. "Why not?"

  "She'll scream." I shuddered. I couldn't stand it when she screamed. I clenched my hands into fists so he wouldn't see them shaking.

  He looked at me for a moment, taking in my fists and the look on my face. He shrugged and seated himself in the visitor's chair by Caitlin's bed, angling his head toward me. "What do you know about the dead man you left on the beach?" His eyes were on me, his expression expectant.

  My brain felt slow and tired. "He was hurting her. He was a big bastard with a gun. He and I got into a fight..."

  "No," he interrupted. "You told me this already. What do you know about him, except for the few minutes before he died?"

  I thought for a moment. "When I checked to see if he was dead, I took his shirt and put it on her. I figured she needed it more than he did and he owed her that much. That was after he died."

  The grey shirt had been sticky with blood and it had wicked up the red like sweat, making the white Adidas logo stand out even more. There'd been half-healed welts on the man's back and chest that I'd wondered about, but the police officer probably knew more about them than I did. I only know what I saw. When I'd pulled the dead man's shirt over her head, it had left pink streaks on her face where his blood mingled with her tears. I remember feeling satisfied that I'd forced the lifeless bastard to help her when he was too dead to do anything about it, after all the pain he'd caused her...

  "But did you know anything about him, before that night?" the officer pressed.

  "No, I didn't know him." I paused, irritated. "I'm not sure I would have wanted to, either."