Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer (Nightmares Trilogy)

by Carlton, Demelza

  "Because I wouldn't mind them, if you're not eating them," I continued, as if she hadn't spoken. I picked up her cutlery and started to cut them into bite-sized pieces. I slid one piece onto the fork and waved it in front of her. "Last chance."

  She took it. She chewed thoughtfully with her eyes closed for a moment before she swallowed and looked at me.

  "More?" I asked blithely, loading up the fork again.

  "Please," she answered with a hesitant, watery smile.

  I helped her to eat as much as she could, occasionally taking a bite of the remains of my breakfast. She ate the eggs and some toast, but she wouldn't touch the cereal.

  I offered her my orange juice, as yet untouched, in place of her lost one. She threw her arms around me in a hug as unexpected as it was clumsy, considering the orange juice was part of it.

  "Thank you so much, Nathan," she murmured in my ear. Then she gasped and pulled away from me, suddenly very interested in her near-empty breakfast tray.

  I turned to see what had startled her and saw the now-forgotten nurse I'd summoned with the call button.

  "She shouldn't be out of her bed." The nurse glared at me as she spoke. Her name badge read Judith.

  Oh, Nurse Carol's friend, I thought. Who told her I'm Caitlin's boyfriend. Before she called me a sleazy bastard. Right...

  "We had an accident with some orange juice. Until you can get someone to change the sheets, I'm sure she'll be perfectly comfortable in my bed." I gave the nurse a smile that said, I know there's more than one way you can take that and they're all true.

  More than a little flustered, she mumbled something about linen as she bundled up the orange sheets and left in a hurry.

  26

  Waking again in the dark.

  Hurting. Hungry.

  Cold.

  Didn't want him to touch me.

  He had food and a blanket.

  Blanket was rough, scratched tender skin.

  Horrible to be fed by a stranger, my hands tied.

  Wouldn't untie me.

  Food was dry, stale cereal, hard to swallow with a dry throat.

  Drink spilled and burned.

  Fighting it.

  Hurting.

  Wanting to give up, for it to be over.

  NO.

  Whatever it takes to stay alive.

  Keep fighting. Don't let them win.

  27

  I left Caitlin for a couple of hours to get some clothes from home. She'd assured me she wouldn't need me 'til her next meal.

  Full of misgivings for leaving her alone, even with one of our guys on guard outside, I resolved to be as quick as I could. My car was in the car park, exactly where Chris said it would be. I didn't know how Chris had gotten home afterwards – I was certain she'd make me pay for it when I saw her next. As I unlocked the car, I said a silent prayer that she'd be at university today instead of at home.

  It was like they were watching me.

  I parked my bum in the driver's seat and shut the door just as my phone rang. I answered with a hello, but that's all I managed to say before the interrogation began.

  "She's awake. Michael called in his report already and you haven't. What has she told you?"

  ASIO wasn't omniscient, no matter how much they'd like to be. Michael had probably called the minute I left Caitlin's room, bored of guard duty with nothing to report.

  Forgetting my sister, I thought of the pretty girl with the haunted eyes I'd reluctantly left watching TV not fifteen minutes ago. "That she doesn't want anyone touching her, she doesn't like breakfast cereal and her recovery is going to take a while."

  A snort. "Breakfast cereal? What kind of fucking help is that? We want intel – we want to know where they are. We want to know who they are and what they did – not her fucking favourite foods! What the hell's wrong with you?"

  Where do I start? I wondered. "I'm trying to build up some trust with her. She's hellishly traumatised. She's only been awake a day and she's had to deal with some pretty crippling injuries. I'm getting what I can but it'll be a few days before I can get anything useful out of her." Just let her recover a bit first.

  "We don't have time to wait for her to feel perfect again. We need to know how to find them and soon. Before the police. Today, Nathan."

  I felt uneasy. If I stuffed this up, I'd have to leave and someone else would have to start over. It'd be even harder for anyone else, if Caitlin told them anything at all. And who'd take care of her if I left? I had to do this. "I'll try," I conceded grudgingly.

  An angry grunt. "Don't forget we broke protocol to allow you in on this one, Nathan. You're in hospital with her because of your special skill set, nothing else. We can easily pull you and get someone else."

  "No one else would get as much out of her as quickly as I can," I replied instantly, knowing it was true.

  "Then fucking do it!" He hung up.

  I started the car with a sigh and a turn of the key, my heart heavy. I took my time driving home, selecting and packing a heap of clothes to take to hospital, then driving back to Caitlin. I delayed a little more, stopping at the supermarket for some supplies.

  When I reached her floor, Michael hurried toward me, a finger to his lips. He grabbed my arm to stop me from going to Caitlin. I shook him off angrily.

  He started to explain. "You know that friend of hers, Jo, who comes in every morning? The one who asked for updates from the nurses on Caitlin's condition?"

  I nodded curtly, not saying anything. I'd seen the girl, who was on Caitlin's short list of approved visitors. She'd come into Caitlin's hospital room, glared at me for a few minutes and left again. I hadn't thought much about her until now, but already I was worried.

  "We think one of the nurses tipped her off that you'd gone out. She's just arrived – and I don't think you should go in just yet." Michael looked nervous. So he bloody well should. He'd left Caitlin alone with a stranger.

  I stared at him. "If you think I trust some girl I don't know with Caitlin's safety..." I tried to keep it quiet, but I was pretty pissed off.

  Michael had both his hands up, gesturing to tell me to lower my voice. He looked scared. "Word from the boss is to listen – see if she tells her anything she hasn't yet told us. You can hear her from the doorway – close enough to get to her quickly if you need to," he said in a low voice.

  Reluctantly, I nodded once. Together we walked back to Caitlin's room.

  "... At least you're looking better," I heard Jo's unfamiliar voice say. "Where's your gallant hero this morning? Off polishing his sword?" She paused a moment before continuing. "Oh, come on. The half-crazed look in his eyes, full of guilt for what he did to you, and the anguish he's causing you now by sticking around? You're barely a shadow of yourself – what did he do to you?"

  Incensed, I wanted to storm in and evict the little idiot, but Michael shook his head, signalling me to wait.

  "Caitlin, please! You cry at the drop of a hat, and there he is, saying nonsensical things like, 'It's all over now,' when it never will be, not until you get rid of him." She paused again. "The bruises on your face are fading. You're starting to look almost normal now. At least he isn't hitting you any more."

  Fucking BITCH! Like I'd ever do that. Not Caitlin. Not ever.

  I looked at Michael. "This is what he wants us to hear?" I hissed. "I don't need to listen to this bullshit."

  He was grim. "He said wait. We wait and listen to whatever Caitlin says. The other one doesn't matter."

  The fuck it didn't matter. Like Caitlin would trust me if she thought I'd hurt her.

  A long pause, as if Jo was waiting for Caitlin to reply, but I heard nothing before she spoke again. "It's lucky that he found you when he did."

  "Hmmm?" Caitlin sounded confused.

  "It's incredibly lucky that he was walking on that bit of beach just after you were dumped there. It couldn't be a coincidence – he knew you'd be dumped there, didn't he? He was one of them."

  Finally, I heard Caitlin's vo
ice. "I was lucky he was there," she agreed half-heartedly.

  "It's all right, you can tell me," Jo encouraged. "I know he was one of them."

  Caitlin sounded confused again. "One of them?"

  "One of the ones who hurt you," Jo explained, as though to a child.

  Now she was upset. "Nathan never hurt me!"

  Fucking right I didn't.

  I took a step toward Caitlin, ignoring Michael shaking his head behind me.

  Jo's voice had dropped lower, so that I could hear her speaking but I couldn't discern the words. Growing worried, I moved closer to the door until I heard Caitlin's voice again. My knuckles were white as my fingers gripped the door frame.

  "No!" She was vehement. "He never did anything like that. He couldn't do that to me... He would never..." I could hear the tears in her voice.

  This was fucking useless. We wouldn't get any information out of her like this and it was only going to take longer 'til I did.

  "You didn't always see the face of the man who was hurting you, did you?" Jo demanded.

  "No, wait – " Michael started to say as he grabbed my shoulder, but I shook him off.

  There was no fucking way I was going to let some girl upset Caitlin like this – no matter how good a friend she claimed to be.

  I stormed into the room and, sure enough, Jo had made her cry. I strode straight to Caitlin to give her a hug. I glared at Jo over Caitlin's shoulder as I asked her just loud enough for Jo to hear, "What did she do to you?"

  Jo glared back at me for a moment, before she turned on her heel and left.

  Good riddance. Fuck off, bitch.

  I soothed Caitlin as best I could, all the while thinking that there was no way I'd ask her anything upsetting today. Her so-called friend had made her cry enough. No, my boss's fucking stupid idea had made her cry enough. If he'd only let me do my job and stayed out of it. It was going to take me all day to undo the damage he'd done. She'd done. Both of them had done.

  Today was for her. I'd give her whatever she wanted in an effort to make up for my absence in the morning. I kicked my bag across the floor to my bed, hearing the crackle of plastic before I remembered.

  "Hey, I brought contraband," I said to Caitlin.

  "Hmm?" she asked, a single tear sparkling on her cheek as it slid down.

  I knelt on the floor and unzipped my bag. "I owe you ice cream, so I thought I'd get the best."

  I pulled out a tub of ice cream – one of the expensive ones that seemed to only come in one-litre tubs. It'd probably melted while I'd waited, but I told myself it was the thought that counted. If she liked it. If she didn't, I'd eat it myself.

  Caitlin bit her lip, trying to wipe her last tear away. "I don't remember. Why would you owe me ice cream?"

  Oh, fuck. I hesitated before deciding to tell her anyway. "When we first got here, you were asleep and not going to eat your meal. I did something really horrible." I took a deep breath, trying to make it sound worse than it was. "I'm really sorry. I stole your ice cream."

  She looked as if she wanted to laugh, but she didn't. Her big eyes turned grave. "That's okay. I'm sure that will go some way in helping me forgive you."

  I laughed, but not for long. I wondered how serious she was. Oh well, if this sweetened her up, I'd be laughing again before long. I tore open the tub and dug a spoon out of the bag. "Ice cream?"

  She gave me a tiny smile. "Yes, please."

  I crossed the fingers on the hand I held the tub with while I plied the spoon with the other, making sure the cardboard hid my bid for luck from Caitlin.

  I'd have to ask her again soon, whether I liked it or not. Just not today.

  Maybe tomorrow.

  28

  Still dark.

  Tied up.

  Rope on wrists, legs.

  Someone else there?

  Help.

  Water.

  Let me go!

  Coughing.

  Can't.

  Help me, you bastard.

  Tears.

  Rope burns, blood.

  No.

  I'm going to

  Sorry.

  29

  "Time to change your dressings. Let's see how you're healing up!" Nurse Carol sounded more cheerful than I'd ever heard her. I wondered if it was because Caitlin was awake, or whether the shapely nurse'd had a hot date the night before. It sure hadn't been a night with me.

  Caitlin's eyes on the nurse showed her relief. "Hi, Carol. Of all the wards to bring me to, I ended up here."

  Carol's voice was brassy-bright. "Of course. We had to fight for you, but we traded a couple of sporting injury patients to the other wards to keep you."

  Caitlin coughed out a painful little laugh. My throat ached in sympathy. "You just wanted fewer names to learn at handover."

  "You know it. Actually, while you were asleep there have been some very interesting men in the ward keeping guard over you. I almost thought about asking them to pull out their weapons..." Carol blushed as she said it. Her eyes travelled to me and quickly looked away. I wondered if she included me as one of those interesting men.

  "I have guards?" Caitlin asked, her eyes widening.

  Oh, shit. Hadn't I told her?

  I struggled to remember, amid all the things I'd said to her while she was asleep and in the brief time she'd been awake. I couldn't remember if I'd told her that her room was guarded.

  "Sure, a different police officer every day, like some sort of desk calendar. They make sure you don't have any unwelcome visitors. Plus..." Carol's gaze strayed to me and Caitlin's followed.

  I stared into Caitlin's eyes for a moment, wishing I could work out what she was thinking, but I didn't know her well enough for that. The depths of these windows into her soul were dark to me. I sighed and looked away first.

  "I thought you had a new man, Scott. How does he stack up against the desk calendar guys, or is he out of the picture now?" Caitlin asked.

  Oh, the hot Singaporean nurse had a boyfriend. I bet I could've made her forget him easily, if I'd tried. A pity that I hadn't. Inwardly, I shrugged. I had enough to think about. The nurse wasn't a priority.

  "I'm still with Scott, but that doesn't mean I can't look." Carol cleared her throat. "So, where do we start?"

  "What does it matter? I guess it's time for me to see what they've done to me," Caitlin said, sounding resigned.

  I heard the sound of adhesive gauze parting from skin and stared fixedly out the window. The strong smell of disinfectant stung my eyes. There was a small spider in a dense web in the corner, its legs and underside up against the glass. I tried to count every leg, every joint...

  "Oh hell. That looks bad," Caitlin struggled to say.

  My eyes darted to her. She stared down at her lap and I caught a glimpse of the mess the bullet had made of her leg.

  "A skin graft over that would help hide the scar," Nurse Carol said gravely.

  Caitlin's voice sounded weak. "But where would you take the graft from? Everywhere is..." Her voice faded as the tears took over.

  I crossed the room, hesitating as I approached her. I didn't want to see that leg wound, but I didn't want her to cry, either. Shit, now that she was awake, it wasn't as simple as before. She might not even want me here.

  Carol looked up at me for a moment, before her eyes returned to Caitlin. "Hey, that's the worst of your wounds. The rest are healing up nicely. You'll see." She worked to cover the bullet wound up again as I watched. The next piece of gauze the nurse removed uncovered a series of shallow cuts that looked like someone had tried to carve letters into her leg. Now that they were healing, I could see the shapes of the scars.

  I swallowed, trying not to say anything.

  How could they...

  I gritted my teeth so hard it felt like I'd break them. I didn't relax until the nurse smoothed a dressing over her leg.

  I breathed again, sure the wound on her other thigh couldn't be worse. My eyes flew to it, expectantly. Nurse Carol ripped the dressing off.


  "Oh God," I burst out before I could stop myself. I could feel my jaw lock open, too horrified to close.

  Both of the girls regarded me with consternation. Caitlin lifted her arms up, as if she was considering asking for a hug. Her hospital gown showed the dark, damp splotches where her tears had landed. Darker blue on blue. I didn't wait for her to ask, rushing the last few steps to comfort her.

  I squeezed my own eyes shut as she cried into my shirt.

  Plastic and paper crackled as Nurse Carol covered up the livid letters that spelled CHRIS in jagged lines across Caitlin's thigh, matching the crossed-out ALANNA on her other leg.

  30

  Hurting. So cold...

  Go away. Let me sleep.

  End this.

  Don't hurt me any more.

  Buzz OFF!

  Keep fighting. Don't let them win.

  Knew the voice. Didn't say that.

  Not when they hurt me.

  Wasn't THERE.

  He's dead.

  Saw him get shot.

  Can't be him.

  Must be... a dream.

  31

  Caitlin's screams woke me again, so I lumbered out of my bed and over to hers before I was fully awake. Taking care to make sure her crisp cotton sheet was between us, I folded her into a comforting hug. "It's okay, I'm here..." I murmured. "Keep fighting it, don't let them win..."

  I waited for the screaming to become sobbing before she calmed down enough to lie still again. When I was sure it was over, I gently let her down onto her pillows and stumbled back to my bed. The vinyl floor was cool beneath my feet.

  "Nathan?" Caitlin's voice was quavery.

  Shit. It wasn't over yet. No sleep for the wicked. "It's all right, I'm here," I began wearily, sliding my hand down her back to lift her into my arms again.

  She gave a shudder and pulled away from me, sitting up on her own. "What are you doing? Why were you touching me when I woke up?"

  Oh, shit. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly wide awake. "You've been having a lot of really bad nightmares and you wouldn't wake up. You... were screaming. Screaming for me to help you. You... don't scream as much if I... hug you." I sounded like the worst kind of deviant, watching and touching her while she slept.