Denying Mr. Parks (The Parks #1)

by Lilly James

  My gaze dropped to the floor, and it was my turn to struggle finding words. “But it will hurt me if I stay.” I knew that definitively.

  I heard his sharp intake of breath, then felt him approach. With his index finger, he pulled my chin up to face him, and for the first time since meeting him, I saw that shield he held over his eyes completely and willingly disappear.

  “I would never hurt you, Evelyn. Ever.”

  I swallowed hard. “I won’t give you a chance to prove that to me.”

  He cupped my cheek in his hand in a rare tender gesture. “You won’t or you can’t?”

  I swallowed again before answering him cynically. “I can’t.” My heart ached immediately, because I knew I had to deny anything that may be good for me. Love? Hope? I didn’t have those privileges. Ever. And I didn’t deserve them.

  His eyebrows knitted together in painful confusion, and he let his hand drop from my cheek before turning his back on me. “Then I’ll drive you home.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  We rode the lift down in silence. Neither of us knew what to say, and when the doors pinged open, he gestured for me to walk out first. As soon as my foot left the lift, a voice called me from across the lobby, making me whip my head around.

  “Evey?”

  My heart sank right down into the pit of my stomach as Julian jogged towards me. His expression wavered between confusion and utter suspicion.

  “What are you doing here?” He looked at me quizzically, then glanced over at Parks as a lightbulb flickered inside his head. “Mr. Parks?” He was surprised to see him, suddenly straightening himself up in front of the CEO.

  I saw his cut lip from the punch I’d given him but quickly forgot that I shouldn’t have spoken to the creep, because the situation he’d stumbled upon called for an explanation. “Mr. Parks asked me to join him in the gym.”

  Now he was fully suspicious, which wasn’t good. “Oh? I didn’t see you, and I’ve just come off shift.”

  The word fuck instantly entered my head, but I couldn’t risk a glance towards Parks; it would have looked shifty.

  “We went for a swim,” I said quickly, wincing at my own uneasiness. I could hear Parks’s low, unappreciative groan beside me, which had me worried he was going to give me away. Instead he added his own cocky answer.

  “You should have seen her breast stroke. It’s remarkable.”

  What?

  Julian nodded slowly with permanent, furrowed brows. “Right. I’ll see you some other time.” Then he turned to Parks. “Nice to meet you again, Mr. Parks.”

  I wasn’t sure if Julian had believed me or not. “Yeah, sure. Bye.” When Julian was out of sight, I slapped my forehead at my over-the-top good-bye and was met by Parks’s wrathful glare. He shook his head and walked away from me.

  “Parks, wait,” I called desperately behind him. But he wouldn’t wait. He marched right outside the hotel and up to the valet. “Where are you going?” I called, chasing after him.

  “Taking you home.” He was furious and didn’t want to speak to me, and that pissed me off. But more than that, I was confused by how angry his behaviour made me. Normally I would have marched off and flipped him the bird, but instead I was following him and trying to explain my actions.

  “What if Julian tells Steph?”

  He took his car keys from the valet’s palm and opened the passenger-side door for me, clenching his jaw tightly. “If he does, you can tell her exactly what you just told Julian, can’t you?” He sounded almost wounded, but he remained calm—too calm and extremely cold. I admit it, I hated him being like that.

  “Parks, I don’t want to—”

  “Just get in the fucking car, Evelyn,” he bit out sharply. I recoiled instantly. No one ever spoke to me like that. Not even Wade fucking Parks. I took hold of the car door and slammed it shut.

  “You know what, fuck you, Parks. Fuck your demands and fuck your Jaguar.” I spun around on my heel and marched up the street. As I did, I counted in my head: three, two, one. Sure enough, I heard his stern voice.

  “Evelyn, get in the fucking car.”

  I turned around to face him whilst I carried on walking backwards. “Why? So you can boss me around?”

  “You’re denying us, Evelyn, and you think that’s okay?” he said with an aggressive sweep of his hands.

  “But there is nothing going on between us, Parks, so why would I tell Julian something that didn’t need to be said?”

  He stopped in his tracks, and his face fell. My remark had offended him. “You think what we have is nothing? You think our relationship is insignificant?”

  I rubbed my aching eyes, exhausted from fighting him and my emotions. I was living in a mess of my own making and was forever in a muddle. Could, and would, my feelings for Parks grow? If they did, I would inevitably feel damaged even further. I was already depending on him for punishment, and I had never depended on anyone in my life. But it felt good to be punished, even though he didn’t know why I wanted it. I was a fucked-up mess and couldn’t even explain it myself. I didn’t want to accept we may have had that special something because I was afraid. Fear was my enemy. So as usual, I lied and defended myself.

  “It’s just fun, Parks.”

  “Fun?” He inhaled an offended breath. “You think what we have is just fun?” He spat the word like it left a sordid taste in his mouth.

  I swallowed the lump that had appeared in my throat. “Isn’t it?”

  His eyes looked hurt, and that showed me he was only human. Only human with a vulnerability he always made sure he guarded. Then he turned and walked away from me. He got into his car and sped off in a temper with wheels screeching, leaving me standing there, speechless and overwhelmed by the emotions attacking me from all angles. These were the ones I kept locked away or hidden under the influence of alcohol. But now they were making an appearance, released from their cage by a key that belonged to Parks, and surely they were going to start showing on the outside. And that terrified me.

  I was shaking and seething as I marched to the nearest bus stop. I had too much going on in my head. If I kept going to Parks for punishment, that would mean I was giving him a part of myself—a part I didn’t want to give him. Yet he was right when he said he held an erotic power over me. He knew how to make me feel liberated after a spanking session as if it had washed away my sins. But was that all there was to it? Apart from feeling magnificent when he was inside me and the spectacular, mind-blowing orgasms he gave me, was there something more?

  Yes, he ticked every single tick-able box on my list. He was incredibly handsome with the most beautiful, vivid green eyes known to man. His body was to die for, and so was the way he carried himself—strong, masculine, controlled, and confident. He was intriguing, sexy, and yes, hot. Extremely fucking hot. Apart from the physical aspects, I also felt I could talk to him. It was liberating but scary at the same time.

  That was another thing. Was I scared Parks would learn about my past I had desperately tried to keep hidden, and that I would repulse him if he knew? Even though I tried to keep the past in the past, it never seemed to want to let me go. I felt trapped by it. And Parks being around me made things worse instead of better. For a normal girl, it should have been the opposite. But I wasn’t normal. I was damaged goods and beyond repair, and a highly respected businessman like Parks had no business with me. Of course he didn’t.

  I checked my phone when I got to my flat and saw a text from Steph that said she would be staying at Mathew’s that night. She was clearly doing this because of our argument, but it was fine by me.

  As soon as I got into the living room I felt a chill and noticed the window had been left open. Steph must had forgotten to close it. Stupid girl. As I shut it, I glanced through the glass and saw the Jaguar parked on the street outside. A second later, the doorbell rang. My shoulders sagged as I exhaled an exhausted breath.

  “What?” I answered the door with my arms crossed. My eyes narrowed at the sight
of him. He had his hands in his pockets and was watching me sternly.

  “I followed you. Letting you travel home by yourself was reckless of me. I wanted to make sure you got in safely. Like a gentlemen should.”

  A gentlemen? Ha. “That’s all?” I knew it wasn’t. The uncharacteristic way he kept opening and closing his mouth told me as much.

  “That’s all,” he agreed without making any attempt to leave. I stood there holding the door open as we stared at each other whilst hot desire rolled between us.

  He took a small step forwards and into my flat. I followed his gaze as I took a step back to allow him to enter fully. He closed the door with his foot, then brushed my cheek with his knuckles. “Please don’t deny what we have, Evelyn. You said what we have is fun, and maybe at the beginning it was just sex. Amazing sex between two people who didn’t want to admit their feelings. But the more I think of you, the more it pains me to stay away. We have a connection. Everything fits together perfectly between us. Don’t you see? This could be the beginning of something beautiful.”

  Wow. This was the most honest he’d ever been about how he felt, and yes, a sparkle of delight shifted through me at his words. But I couldn’t accept them.

  “Nothing we have could ever be beautiful because I’m an ugly person, and everything I carry around with me is the same. What we have is just sex, Parks. I agree, its amazing sex, but that’s it. I never should have asked you to punish me, and I shouldn’t keep giving in to your persuasion. I don’t even know you. I…” I had so much to say, but for the first time in my life, I was speechless.

  “Not a damn inch of you is ugly, Evelyn Banks. I will not hear of it. And as for not knowing me, no one knows me, Evelyn. I think the same is true of you. I can see how closed off you are. How hidden and guarded you come across. And I know I’m not that good with words, but haven’t my actions shown you how much I want you? How much I want that more?”

  He wanted that more with me? But why?

  “Words speak louder than actions to me, Parks, because my whole life I’ve had actions thrown at me, whether it be a fist, a smack, the cold shoulder. Anything but kind words. Words mean everything to me. But then, how do I know they’re real?”

  Pain stung his eyes from what I’d told him, and I could tell he was eager to ask about the abuse I’d mentioned, but he treaded carefully. “Then let me prove to you. If it’s words you need, then I’ll give them to you. I’ll write you a whole fucking novel if I have to.”

  I groaned in irritation and walked into the living room. “You’re only saying what you think I want to hear.”

  His groan mirrored mine as he followed. “Then what is the point in telling you how I feel when you won’t believe me?”

  I couldn’t believe the words and the emotions he was trying to prove because he couldn’t justify them. “You haven’t told me how you feel, Parks. You’ve told me you need me. You’ve told me you feel connected to me. But why? Why do I make you feel this way?”

  He threw up his hands, exasperated. “I don’t fucking know, Evelyn. You think this is easy for me? A woman who is—at times—unbearable, pigheaded, stubborn, and crazy is making me crazy.”

  “I make you crazy?” My heart was thumping dramatically. The conversation was making me anxious, but I ploughed through.

  “Yes, you do. I have never fallen for a woman before. Never had to explain myself. I don’t chase, I don’t play games. Everything with me is always straightforward. No-nonsense. Just fucking and done. With you, everything I’m about is changing. My morals and control fly out of the window, and I don’t know how to handle that. I am a man of control, Evelyn, but with you, I have none.”

  Looking at up the ceiling, I prayed to be taken out of the situation, but I was in the depth of it and had to ride it through. I had to talk, had to feel, had to try and work through my discomfort. “If you really thought that about me, then why do you fuck with my head? We have sex, and you go cold on me. Your actions fuck with my head because I don’t know who I am when I’m around you. I need control too, and you don’t realise how much. I can’t accept what we have is anything other than dangerous mind games.”

  His back went rigid. “Mind games? The only one that has ever played mind games, Evelyn, is you. I’ve always tried to tell you what I want from you. I told you to get rid of Alex the instant I found out about him, and that was the same time I stopped fucking other women, but you disobeyed my wishes. You still continued to date him. You’ve had me chasing you for weeks. We sleep together, you depend on me for punishment, and I think we’re finally getting somewhere until you tell me all we are is fun. What the fuck am I supposed to think?”

  I slammed my fist on the kitchen counter. “You don’t know me. So don’t tell me what I’ve done to you is a fuck up when you have no idea how I feel. You don’t know what goes on inside my head.”

  He walked towards me, but I pushed him away with my palm against his chest. That didn’t stop him from trying. He took my fighting hands into his and pleaded. “Then let me in.”

  I pushed him away again and spat, “I will never let anyone in.”

  Sagging, he let my hands go. They fell down to my sides lifelessly as he took a step away from me. “Why am I bothering?”

  I screamed when I answered him, balling my hands into fists. “I never told you to bother. So go ahead. Leave. Because everyone else seems to abandon me. Why should you be any different?”

  That made him change his stance. He tensed, and the intensity of his stare, the predatory heat in his eyes made me back down.

  “Because I am different, Evelyn.” He marched back towards me, threw his body into mine, and sent me backwards into the fridge with a thud. “And you will be mine. Even if I have to fight you for you.”

  I whimpered as he picked me up and assaulted my mouth whilst moving around the kitchen with me wrapped around his waist. We were fighting with each other to stop, yet bowing down to the need we both inexplicably felt towards one another.

  “I can’t stop now.” He attacked my mouth again as we crashed into anything that got in our way.

  “Then don’t.” My plea made me feel weak. I didn’t want him to stop fighting for me, but I didn’t want him to have me, either. My head space was too much for me to handle, so it was sure as hell going to be too much for Parks.

  “Oh, Evelyn,” he rasped, staking into my bedroom with my body wrapped around his like a vine. We fell onto my single bed, and Parks wasted no time in taking off my trousers, then ripping my jumper away. I was still wearing my crotch-less bodice, so I didn’t feel that self-conscious and I was too intoxicated by Parks to feel anything else. I rushed to my feet, getting up from the bed when I was underdressed to pull his white shirt from his chest. I fumbled with the buttons in haste, and we licked and sucked at each other’s tongues as I shoved his shirt from his shoulders. Then I ripped his trousers away, noticing he hadn’t put his boxers back on, which was better for me. When I’d completely undressed him he pushed me back down onto the bed, falling with me. He had me whimpering as he licked into my mouth with hot, needy strokes in the way that told me he not only needed me but wanted to own me. And when he’d caressed my aching body in that powerful, erotic way only he could, the heat dispersed from my pores and awakened not undiscovered sensations, but raw feeling, raw emotion.

  “You’re so beautiful to me.” He spoke against my throat before planting quick, deep kisses down my body and sinking deeply into my slick channel with his hard length.

  “Hmm.”

  He immersed himself into me tightly, and we both mumbled our appreciation at what our bodies could do for one another. “I want to feel all of you. And I need you to have every inch of me.” Oh, I did feel every hard inch of him.

  Our bodies were damp as we kissed, stroked tongues, and entwined breaths as he slipped himself into me, then gently pulled out for hours of peaceful, mind-blowing passion. I was falling under his spell, overcome with pleasure, and I didn’t want to unbind
it. It was complete and utter Elysium.

  “I’m going to stay with you tonight, Evelyn. I want to be buried in your sweetness all night. I’m not giving you a choice to say no. Let me savour you.”

  He was going to stay with me, and for the first time with any man, I simply whispered my agreement. “All night.”

  We kissed, traced tongues, and invaded each other’s space sensually. I refused to take off my bodice to be completely naked, but he didn’t ruin the moment with an argument. He made me come again and again, over and over. He also climaxed endless times throughout endless, sensual sex. Our gazes remained locked as I luxuriated in the body-shattering, confounding, and bewildering sensations. But even these words couldn’t scratch the surface of the feelings Parks gave me.

  His forehead rested on mine after two hours, and I wanted to touch the sharp, toned angles of his body. I wanted to kiss every square inch of him. He was damp, hot, and sexy and stayed inside me for a memorable moment as he spoke. “Jesus, Evelyn. Let this be the start of our beginning.”

  I opened my eyes and met the warmth of his green eyes. I smoothed my palms up his forearms and felt the protection of a mysterious man I knew near to nothing about. I only knew he was going to be heartbreaking for me. He was going to be possessive, domineering, and capable of damaging me. He was a proud, powerful hunk of a man and wanted everything his way. But I was enraptured and truly captivated by him. He wrenched out my emotions and was trying to get me to show my vulnerability on the outside, and it was slowly working. Which petrified me.

  My mind fluctuated quickly, then I took a deep breath for courage and admitted, “You being inside me would seem like a perfect beginning, but because of who I am, it’s going to be a disastrous ending.”

  Parks’s pleasurable groan at my admission tugged at my heart. He rested his forehead against mine. “Don’t worry about the end, Evelyn. There will never be one for us.” He stopped moving inside me, rolling his delectable hips. My eyes closed languidly as I soaked up the sensation, soaked up his warmth and, surprisingly, his words. He wanted a beginning with me but no end? The question was, did I want that too? Even if I did, I would fuck it up because that’s what I always did. I didn’t deserve happiness, and there was no such thing as the four-letter words hope and love.