Through the Never

by J. A. Culican

  “You claim to know so much about our reputations. You should’ve realized.” I was angry at so many things—the loss of Ilara over my father’s stupid ambitions, the loss of a good horse over a misunderstanding, the loss of control over the elusive happiness I hoped for my life and my friend’s. I pointed that anger at the mowab rider, even though I could theoretically understand her (misguided) reasons for attacking us.

  “Fuck you,” she said. “You talk as if you know a single fucking thing about my life out here. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be under constant attack, just for being who we are? To not be strong enough in numbers to defend ourselves properly any time the ‘king’ decides to wipe us out? Forced to begin training as children to learn to kill when we need to? Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

  Green eyes blazing, I said, “More than you care to know.” I put my free hand on my hip and glared. Life wasn’t fair. Life hadn’t been fair to Dolpheus or me—ever. We’d been raised in a different environment, where people disguised threats. But the royal city was no more safe of a place than the Wilds. At least here, the dangers were plainer, not rolling around on the deceitful tongues of courtiers, who painted their faces and hair because they never were as they appeared to be.

  Duleene fumed, yanking her hand from Dolpheus.’ “Are you actually suggesting that your life as the son of a splicing empire is as hard as mine? That you know what it’s like to have to look over your shoulder constantly? To sleep with a blade under your pillow, barely able to close your eyes against whatever attack will next come through and sweep away the people you love?”

  “I know exactly what that’s like,” I said, and I did. My father was responsible for potentially killing the only woman I’d ever love. He didn’t know it, but if he’d known of our love for each other, he would have just killed her all the more. My life hadn’t felt safe since my mother left me, and I barely remembered her.

  “How dare you!” Duleene attempted to charge me, hands swinging in front of her.

  Her sudden movements snapped Dolpheus back from wherever he’d gone to avoid the current unpleasantness of reality. He lunged for her and clasped his hands around her torso from behind. “He’s not messing with you,” he said next to her ear.

  She didn’t seem to hear or care. The woman was truly wild, struggling to break free of Dolpheus’ hold.

  “Hey. Duleene,” he said. “Snap out of it. We don’t mean you harm. And this isn’t a pissing contest over whose life is the hardest. Life is rough. For all of us here. None of us was born into fairness.”

  That could be said for most Oers, I thought bitterly. Even for my princess, who couldn’t even love freely once we finally found each other.

  “Duleene,” Dolpheus cooed again, and I wondered why he had such patience for the woman. Was it because the fire that burned inside her was much like our own?

  He kissed her cheek gently and my eyes widened. This was definitely a new approach at subduing the enemy.

  She relinquished the fight. Tears glistened in her eyes and I averted my gaze.

  It seemed that the three of us had a shit storm of emotions whirling through us. I felt as if I could cry too, and I wouldn’t even have to define the why. Life was just too much some times, and each day since the news of Ilara’s death had arrived weighed heavier on my eternality.

  Dolpheus spun Duleene in his arms and rested her face against the armor that covered his chest, the sullied spake hanging across the back of her thighs. It couldn’t have been comfortable, but Duleene melted into him regardless.

  In that moment, Duleene reminded me of Ilara. All strength and sensual woman on the outside, a raging sea on the inside, the tides always changing.

  I relented. It was time to let Dolpheus and Duleene be. Whatever this was and whatever it might be, they needed each other now. “Let’s figure out what to do with Daybreak quickly so you two can spend some time together.”

  “If we can’t bury Daybreak,” Dolpheus started, “is the only other option to burn him?” His voice wavered even though I knew he was trying hard not to allow it.

  Duleene must have noticed. She lifted her face to his. “We can bury him in one of the caverns beneath the sand, where I hid the mowabs, if that sounds appropriate. I use these caverns and wouldn’t ordinarily allow that, but if he means that much to you, we can do it this time.”

  “I’d like that very much,” Dolpheus said then looked off over the field of black that would forever contain the remains of his animal friend. His handsome face was stoic, holding back, and I couldn’t resist a moment of gratitude that Seafarer stood next to me, strong and healthy. I didn’t think I could’ve handled any more loss. Already, I was suffering through Daybreak’s.

  The sooner we did this, the sooner it’d be over.

  I moved between Seafarer’s body and Daybreak’s fallen one and began to transfer Dolpheus’ saddle, saddlebags, and weapon sheaths over to my horse. I felt Dolpheus’ eyes following every single one of my movements, but I didn’t look up. Every thing I did sealed the finality of Daybreak’s death.

  When I went to remove Daybreak’s bit and bridle, Dolpheus came over. “Thank you, Tan. Let me do this part.”

  I nodded but said nothing. I stepped aside and trained my eyes on the wild mowab rider, who stood alone and within a short sprint to her sword.

  But she did nothing more than watch, with a forlorn look on her face that I didn’t think she was aware of. She’d put on enough of a purposeful demonstration of strength for us that I doubted she intended to reveal what was now apparent: She was a frightened girl who’d been forced into a life of soldiering to defend her people.

  How was it that she was able to tame the untamable beasts from hell? I had no answer to my question by the time Dolpheus was finished saying his farewells.

  Duleene, Dolpheus, and I pushed and heaved and dragged the body of a stallion chosen for his imposing size and stamina in battle. We felt the weight of every one of his parts, weighed down even more by the conclusiveness of death.

  Halfway to the cavern in the sand that would be Daybreak’s final place of rest, we considered whether we should rig a harness onto Daybreak and have Seafarer drag him. The pain in Dolpheus’ expression at the suggestion convinced us to continue as we were.

  By the end, when we finally managed to shove Daybreak’s body unceremoniously into the shallow cavern, Duleene, Dolpheus, and I were covered in sweat and the animal’s blood. I couldn’t help but think it might’ve been more honor if we’d just set him ablaze.

  We filled the hole in with black sand, leaving nothing to identify the tomb on the surface. Some things were better forgotten.

  Dolpheus, in a daze, followed me back to Seafarer. The two of us could ride, even though my horse was burdened with what we’d culled from Daybreak. But Duleene couldn’t ride with us. Besides, I didn’t trust her to allow her close enough to my horse that she could stab him. Beyond my affection for my horse, eliminating the steed was an effective way to eliminate his rider.

  Dolpheus and I could just transport out of there, unhindered, but Duleene might not realize that until she’d already harmed Seafarer.

  “Will you ride that... mowab back to the settlement?” I asked, trying to ease the burden of communication from Dolpheus.

  She looked back at her ride, unusually pensive for a wild rebel woman, I thought. “Yes,” she said.

  “And will your fellow... people”—I didn’t know what exactly to call the rebels, every term I had for them originated in the royal city, with the people that didn’t respect them—“be all right with us returning with you?”

  She stared at me with renewed strength, her dark eyes sharp once more. “They might not like it, but they’ll do as I say.”

  I met her stare and finally nodded. I pulled the second saddle from atop mine, handed it to Dolpheus, put a foot in the stirrup, and pulled myself onto Seafarer’s back. “What will you do with the fallen mowabs?” I asked, more curious than worried.<
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  Dolpheus handed me the saddle and slid onto Seafarer’s flank, his spake still in hand. I preferred he keep it out, just in case—we were still riding through the Wilds after all—so I didn’t offer to clip it to the holster next to mine. I passed the saddle back to Dolpheus. He’d have to carry it.

  Duleene said, “I’ll leave them for the planet, just as we leave all our dead. Origins will have many uses for them. They’ll continue to serve a purpose even in death.”

  Unbidden, thoughts of Ilara rushed in. King Oderon immediately set fire to her body and that of her mother, the Queen, before I even found out about the assassinations that supposedly killed them both. I hadn’t gotten the chance to say a final goodbye to my lover’s body, even if her eternality would have already abandoned it. The King used his despondent grief to justify the lack of a royal ceremony to honor the two women.

  The people of O, who grieved for two women most of them had never known as anything more than a symbol, accepted his formal explanation.

  No one questioned Ilara’s death but me.

  As Duleene knotted her hands in the thick, matted fur of the biggest of the mowabs and pulled herself atop his broad, humped back, I could think of nothing but the woman I longed to love. Instead of Duleene’s deep red hair, I saw Ilara’s long, black strands, as soft as the webs of spiders. In the place of Duleene’s curvy body, I saw Ilara’s, the one body that made me conceive of every possible way a man and woman could enjoy each other. And when Duleene looked at me, signaling that I was to follow her, I didn’t see the darkness of her irises, a rough mirror of the orange-tinted black sand. I longed only for Ilara’s eyes, the ones that reflected all of the cosmos within them. The ones that no other woman possessed. The irises I could lose myself in for all eternity, if only I were given the chance, if only I could discover my dead lover alive—somewhere, anywhere—waiting for me to find her.

  When Duleene set off across the sea of sand, the Auxle Sun was closing in on the horizon. It would soon set and bring an end to the night Oers found refuge in, even if it never grew dark.

  I hoped to be settled somewhere within the dwellings of the rebels before the Plune Moon rose for its brief purple reign. The purple glow of the Plune Moon was eerie enough—regularly rattling me to my core—without adding to it the long, dark shadows of the Wilds of O.

  Most of the rebels that watched us when Dolpheus and I first rode by their dwellings were absent, presumably, asleep. But there were still a few who kept watch. I suspected the rebels were always on alert, always taking turns with a watch. Perhaps Duleene’s life was harder than mine. At least within my estate, I could be reasonably certain no one would dare attack—unless it was my father attacking from within. I assumed Duleene could trust her people more than I could trust mine.

  If the watchers were surprised to see Duleene arrive with us, riding a mowab no less, they didn’t let on. They observed, unmoving, from the shadows of dwellings, like animals that surveilled their prey.

  But Duleene didn’t take us straight to the dwellings. She took a hard right away from the rebel homes and led us far enough away that the cave dwellings blended into the rocky desert that surrounded them.

  She dismounted, sliding down the side of the beast. When she bent to whisper something in its big, smelly ear, I clenched. I didn’t trust this woman, but I still didn’t want to see this mowab bite her head off.

  But he didn’t, and I looked on in wonder. He stalked off slowly, idly, beginning to mine the severe landscape for the insects that somehow sustained the mowabs’ large body masses.

  “You guys get down too,” Duleene said. “Leave your horse here.”

  “Oh no,” I said. “I’m not leaving Seafarer where I can’t keep watch, and I’m especially not leaving him where there are mowabs.”

  “The mowabs won’t hurt him.”

  “The mowabs might not hurt you, which must be some sort of faithum—wait, is it some sort of faithum?”

  Duleene didn’t answer so I was forced to continue without the explanation I now desperately wanted. “The mowabs have tried to eat us and our horses plenty of times. Forgive me for not trusting them with my horse when I’m not around.”

  “But do you trust me?” she asked. “You only need trust me when I’m telling you that they won’t harm your horse.”

  “How can I trust you when we only just met you? And oh, by the way, you were trying to kill us when we did. With your mowabs.” But even as I said all this I realized that I did trust her. There was no explanation for it, but I did.

  As if she knew I’d arrive at this conclusion, as if she were indeed possessed of faithum, she simply waited until I said, mildly, “You’re absolutely certain he’ll be safe here?”

  “Yes, unless some of your people choose to attack us another time.”

  “If they do,” I said, “they won’t be our people.”

  She nodded, and it seemed we had a tenuous understanding between us. What it was, I had no concrete idea, but it was enough for me to nudge Dolpheus to get down. Once he did, I followed. “Where should I tie him?” I asked.

  She smiled as if it was silly for a warrior like me to ask someone like her the question. Regardless, it was a nice smile, and in that moment, I experienced the allure Dolpheus was drawn to. This woman was nothing like the sensual creature Ilara was, but she touched on it with her wide lips and curve-hugging clothes. Ferocity didn’t have to exclude sexuality, both this woman and Ilara made that apparent.

  “You can tie your horse wherever you’d like,” Duleene said, mischief twinkling in her eyes. “I’m more concerned with where I can tie him.”

  Dolpheus hadn’t been in the here and now since we dragged Daybreak into a pit and left him there. But my friend’s head snapped up at her words, and I remembered my earlier thoughts that perhaps this woman, as wild and dangerous as she might be, was just the medicine he needed. I would have encouraged him to go ahead with her, but I didn’t know where I should go, and I needed a place to be while I waited for their apparent passion for each other to run its course.

  There was no need for demureness. We all knew what was about to take place between them, and we all accepted it as an invaluable part of life. It was one of the things that made life worth living, after all, despite its misery and pain and betrayals. Life was best lived to its fullest potential while we were still capable of living it.

  It was the first time I could remember wishing for a hot pot of hakusha, the bitter tasting tea my father favored. Right now I wished for its ability to offer perspective and to make its drinker forget the small, cumbersome details of life.

  While my best friend was off fucking this wild mowab rider, I’d miss my Ilara more than ever. I’d question whether I was a fool for searching for her, or whether it was the role of a man who loved as I did. Perhaps it was my job never to give up on the dream of the love we shared, at least until her death was proven to me, until such time as my gut stopped whispering to me that the woman of my heart still lived.

  As if the wild woman read my thoughts and took compassion on them, Duleene spoke gently. “You can stay with my sister while Dolpheus and I spend some time together.”

  “All right,” I said, fully resigned to what the next hours would bring. “Take me to her.”

  Duleene grabbed Dolpheus by the hand and led both of us back toward the cave dwellings, the ones Dolpheus and I’d only ever been inside when they were desecrated and coated in the blood of their owners. Perhaps we could craft new memories here that might, in time, surpass the other ones. Our hearts aligned far more with the rebels, who wanted nothing but their freedom from the tyranny and greed of O’s rule, than with the manipulating fuckers who imposed their will on everyone else.

  When we approached the zone the watchers surveilled, Duleene didn’t pause or request permission to enter with us. She strode right in, making me wonder who, exactly, this woman was. We knew so little of her. Or perhaps we knew what was important and the other details didn’t matt
er. For it was what roared or whispered within a person that made them who they were, nothing else.

  The girl who’d warned us of the ambush turned out indeed to be Duleene’s sister. She slept on a woven pad on the floor in front of the hearth, but she slept lightly and was awake the moment Duleene entered with us. It was the way soldiers and those who constantly had something to fear slept, alert even when their bodies clamored to let go.

  The girl’s surprised eyes shot to Dolpheus and me. They seemed to contain a warning, a plea not to mention that she’d told of her sister’s plan to kill us.

  I nodded, nearly imperceptibly, and the girl, more relaxed, finally turned her eyes to her sister. “You brought them here?”

  “I did, isn’t that obvious?” Duleene said, and I couldn’t decide if it was the cutting tone of an older sister or of a leader. Regardless, Duleene considered the matter settled, and she set off with Dolpheus into the only other room the dwelling possessed.

  Right away, the sounds of their passion drifted to us. Only a woven curtain separated us from them and the actions intended to be shared only between two people.

  The girl looked mortified, where I wasn’t. Dolpheus and I’d shared close quarters often enough that I’d heard it all before. He’d done the same with me, both before and then with Ilara. We were soldiers who committed to living life as best and fully as we could. That most definitely included fucking with abandon.

  My body stirred with jealousy. I took pity on the girl and myself. “Would you like to step out front with me?” I asked. “Give them some space, at least for now?”

  “By the oasis, yes please,” the girl said, quick to rise to her feet. She was at that age where her body began to force stirrings upon her that her mind wasn’t ready for. This was a girl who hadn’t yet joined with a man. It was obvious, and I wished to shield her from the world of adults for a while longer—a ludicrous notion given that she’d been fighting for her survival most of her life.

  Even outside, the moans and groans of Dolpheus and Duleene reached us. But at least they were soft enough that we could pretend not to hear them, an illusion I was content to maintain for her sister’s sake.