After All

by Mia Josephs

  FIFTEEN

  Ashley

  My black bikini that felt perfect at home, had shrunk during the trip.

  Brandt stepped away with smile that finally started to ease some of the tension that built up on my drive. Toned and tanned and something about him was broader or fuller than the guys my age, reminding me again that part of our age difference was a good thing. All I could think was how someone should be photographing this guy for GQ or something.

  "I’m glad you're here," he said as he finally pulled away.

  "I came prepared to stay." The words came before I realized what I might have implied, and then it hit me as his dark eyes stared into mine that maybe it was good that I'd implied something because as I let my hands fall from around his neck, they found his shoulders and biceps, turning my stomach into a mess of nervous flutters. I started wondering what it would be like to be with someone who was so…real.

  “The kids will be thrilled. I think they come up here for the S’mores and nothing else, but with you here...”

  "So. Now I get to meet your fam." I grinned widely, even though there was a small part of me that wished it was just us, and walked away from my car and toward the lake before thinking too much and talking myself out of the whole thing.

  Marie and Trevor were way out in the lake splashing one another on inner tubes with two little kids that I guessed were their young cousins and the accompanying nannies. It hit me again that I was closer to Ree and Trevor’s age than to their dad's, and then I glanced back over my shoulder to see Brandt, which put a delightful knot of anticipation low in my gut, and it didn't matter again. Ten years was nothing. Ten years was better. So far, I’d done nothing to take care of him, and he’d done a lot to take care of me. Definitely a switch from what I was used to.

  I followed the trail through the sparse trees toward the large dock that stretched far out into the water.

  "Aren't you a little too young and too hot for my little brother?" A man laughed who I guessed was Cooper. He was a shorter, rounder and less handsome version of his brother. From his confident walk and smile, I guessed it hadn’t slowed him down any.

  "Guys my age are a-holes." I smiled as I hit the dock determined to not let all the newness of the situation bother me.

  "Good one." He stepped forward and stretched out his hand. "Cooper."

  "Ashley."

  "I guessed." he smirked. "And this is my wife, Lorena."

  His wife was pretty, soft and dark, Latina, with a huge smile. "Welcome to the chaos." Her accent was soft and almost melodic as she watched the kids with a smile.

  "Thanks." I glanced behind me and Brandt’s eyes were still on me, and he had the same small smile, but kept his distance.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Later." He raised his brows as he glanced at his brother. "I'm always careful what I say around these two."

  "Because he knows it'll come out in conversation later." Cooper said. "Like how he's been attracted to you from the start, but has tried really hard to keep away because his life is crap. But at least he looks a little more manly than normal with his shiner."

  Brandt's lips pulled into a thin line, but he was also trying hard not to smile. "Thank you, Cooper. Watch yourself tonight when you sleep."

  "Everyone comes with a mess," I said. "I think it's just finding someone who gets your mess and likes you in spite of it."

  Lorena gave me a sly smile before taking another drink of her soda and staring back at the kids.

  I'd probably just hinted at something I had no idea if I was feeling yet or not. I knew I was attracted to Brandt and I also knew that he felt safe, but beyond that...

  "Ashley!" Marie screeched as she frantically waved. "COME OUT!"

  "Guess that's my cue." I glanced back at Brandt who was watching me way too intently. Yeah. Just a little space. After the drive, the lake sounded perfect. I stripped down to my suit and dove into the water before giving myself time to think. The kids I could deal with.

  It was almost too hot for a fire, but Cooper was as determined as the kids. His cabin was bigger than any house I’d lived in, and the Range Rover and small Porsche in the driveway also spoke volumes about his situation.

  The sun was going down, finally giving us a reprieve from the heat. Though, it was a million times cooler here than in the city.

  Ree plopped herself into the chair next to mine as her dad ran inside for “supplies.”

  “I can’t believe you came.”

  I let myself relax into the lawn chair. “After the mess at my house, with your poor dad and the cops, it felt good to get away.”

  “Yeah” She sighed. “I get that. I’m glad we moved after Mom left because our neighbors were always asking.”

  I realized how little I knew about her mom. Only that she was gone and they didn’t speak.

  “That was a while ago,” I prompted.

  “Yeah a while.” Ree nodded.

  I guessed by her non-committal answer that she didn’t want to talk about it.

  “I’ve never met my dad, but Mom’s third husband is the guy I call Dad.”

  “Crazy.” But Ree seemed distracted, like she was talking but thinking about something else.

  I wanted to ask more, but waited too long. The three year old twins screamed and ran opposite directions, giving both nannies a run for their money, and Trevor was chasing a guy his age through the trees near the lake—neighbors they saw up here often I guessed. Timing felt…off.

  “How old were you when you…” Ree’s face went up in flames and she stared at the fire.

  “When I…?” I whispered to let her know I was okay with our conversation being private.

  “When you first had sex?”

  I swear if someone had blown on me at that moment, I’d have shattered. It was so unexpected. How did I answer? Like an adult? Like a friend? Like I knew her dad wanted me to?

  “Your dad would want me to tell you I’m still a virgin,” I teased quietly.

  That worked in at least getting her to relax. She chuckled quietly and her eyes met me more evenly. “Alex is…”

  “Probably ready,” I suggested. And then I felt this enormous relief that they weren’t already doing it. My age hit me again. I wasn’t much older than her, but also way older because I was past the point of being a kid. Maybe being seen as an adult was okay and actually where I was at. Crazy.

  “Yeah.” She pulled in a deep breath. “I’m thinking I’ll be nervous no matter what, so…”

  “No.” I ached for the possibilities of wonderful first experiences. “Marie. You should want it as badly as he does. No matter what your age is. Since I graduated, I’ve been in relationships where I get to call the shots. If I don’t like something about the guy, or if he’s pressuring me, I walk away.”

  Her brows pulled down. “Is that what you’ll do with Dad?”

  Brandt dug through the cooler on the porch, probably after something without carbonation, and I started at him for a moment. “Your dad is…different. And I can’t imagine him ever, ever pressuring me into something I didn’t want. In fact, I could see the opposite happening.” Warmth rushed through me as our eyes met and we both smiled, once again caught in that happy place of newness where the other person has yet to develop flaws.

  “Gross. We have to leave my dad out of this.” Marie’s giggle was nervous and infectious.

  “Agreed.” I chuckled back. “But seriously, Ree. I’m twenty-three and have slept with three men. Ever. One in high school. Two in my almost six years of college. And there’s a part of me that wishes I could take it back.”

  “Because you think you should be married?”

  “Maybe, but, no…” I sat still for a moment, trying to explain. “Because I knew they weren't the one, and in the end they all turned out to be people I knew I didn’t want to be with. When guys want something, they put their best foot forward. When they get it…”

  “They don’t.”

  “Unless they’re worth keepi
ng.” I smiled and sipped my Sprite. “But if this is what he wants, and he’s not treating you like a goddess every time you’re around…”

  Marie glanced at the ground. “I just don’t think everyone understands him, that’s all.”

  From the very brief glances I’d had of Alex, I understood him perfectly. He was gorgeous, cocky, and was dating a very pretty girl who he wanted to see naked. I also knew that joining in with everyone else who felt this way about him was not the way to win over Marie. “Maybe you’re right. But that’s not as important as how comfortable you feel around him. Be the one in control, Ree. Because girls almost always are, and they very rarely realize it.”

  “So, how do you fall in love if you’re keeping your distance that way?”

  I took another sip of my drink, wanting to answer honestly but not ready to let on what a mess I sometimes felt like. “Very carefully.”

  Cooper and Brandt hollered out that we had dessert supplies, and several kids came onto the lawn from the woods to join us. The conversation was definitely over. Too many ears and eyes.

  “You two look conspiring.” Brandt winked as he stepped off the porch and started making his way across the grass.

  “We absolutely are.” I winked back.

  “Don’t say anything to Dad, okay?” Ree leaned over. “Promise?”

  I leaned back. “As long as you promise to do nothing unless you want it, and it’s your idea.”

  Ree nodded and then jumped up to snatch a marshmallow from her brother to put on her stick.

  “Okay?” Brandt mouthed.

  “Perfect.” I smiled back as he sat next to me and laced his fingers through mine.

  In a couple short months and with a few small steps that felt like jumping off a cliff, I was part of a family. The wholeness and solidness of it held me in a way that gave me comfort. I was with the ‘different normal’ people Mom always talked about. It was working, and it was a place I definitely felt like I belonged.

  My back rested against the headboard, and Brandt rested against the tall footboard. The old wooden bed both fit the small cabin and was perfectly out of place.

  “Was it hard to transfer law school halfway through?” he asked.

  My legs rested against his, and the soft glow of the two lanterns in the room made it feel almost, but not quite, like a campout. “You know how universities are about credits.” I sighed. “But I only one class didn’t transfer. I can make that up.”

  He smiled. “I was very, very fortunate in that my parents paid for all my school.”

  “All of it?” I couldn’t imagine what that was like.

  “It was rough, you know? I had this pregnant, new wife. I was seventeen, stupid, in love, and clutching a GED.”

  “And you made it all the way.” It was impressive, and something I might not have seen through to the end.

  “All the way.” He nodded. “And look at you.”

  We’d almost all made it out. “Josh was supposed to be with us.”

  Brandt rested his hand around my knees. “Sorry. I’ve lost three patients to suicide. I was close to two. It’s… There just aren’t words.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment and breathed in the wood smell of his cabin not wanting to think about Josh in this moment.

  “Amy’s cool.”

  “Yes.” I grinned. “They used to call us the energizer bunnies in college—for totally non-dirty reasons. It’s that our names both started with A, for double A batteries, and we both worked like two jobs and went to school and ran on coffee.”

  “And now?”

  “I’m doing the transcript thing, but I’ve given in to the idea that I’ll have a house worth of student loans at the end.”

  “It’s worth it.” He gave my knees a squeeze. “Even just the sense of accomplishment.”

  “You know what?” I stared at Brandt and felt the quiet of the cabin wanting to ask about Jessica but not wanting to break the mood, which was both relaxed but also charged with the energy between us.

  “What?”

  “This is really nice, but we’re not sleeping head to toe are we?”

  “No.” He chuckled. “When you’re ready to sleep, let me know. I’m set up on the couch.”

  “Uh…” I leaned forward. “You’re not sleeping on the couch.”

  “It just felt like—”

  But I crawled forward and cut him off with my lips. His warm hands slid around my sides.

  He pulled away. “I felt like you should have your own space.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  He blinked and studied my face for a moment. “I’m not moving that fast.”

  “Are you for real being this careful with me?” I sat back. “I’m not a kid.”

  Brandt crawled to my side of the bed, resting a hand on either side of me. “I’m well aware you’re not a kid. It wouldn’t matter who you are. I’ve screwed up enough in this life, and I really want to do the right thing.”

  “Which is?”

  “Taking it slow. Slower than my body wants to. Slower than I want to. And so far, we’ve done a really bad job at slow.”

  “Took you long enough to ask me out, and even then you practically pushed me away after our kiss.” I raised a brow. "And then again after we kissed a second time. This is hardly moving fast."

  “True. But you have to realize that I’m the one who’s old with two kids.”

  “You’re the one with this stable job and nice house,” I countered. “And I feel ready.”

  “I gotta go slow, Ash. I’ve screwed up too many parts of my life to rush into something that I really want to last a while.” He rested his hand on my face, and I knew there would be no budging him, still, I wanted to try.

  “What if I was Julianne Hough?”

  “Still slow.”

  “Rachel Weisz?”

  “Still slow.”

  “Angelina Jolie? Kate Beckinsdale?”

  His smile spread as his fingers squeezed my sides. “Trust me, Ashley. No woman on this earth could persuade me to say ‘to hell with it all because I have to have her now’ than you, but I’m still going slow.”

  Before thinking I leaned in pressed our lips together.

  “Thanks for being here,” he whispered as he lied further down in bed.

  “Thanks for inviting me.” I snuggled into the chest and arms that wrapped me up so well.

  Brandt reached up and turned off the lights.

  “Is this where we tell ghost stories?” I whispered.

  “Only if you want to.”

  “I want your shirt.” I tugged at the bottom.

  I heard him exhale and wondered if he’d protest. Instead he grabbed the front of his tee and slid it over his head.

  “Better.” I traced my fingers down his chest waiting for a protest that never came. I could feel his eyes on my face, but I’d just leapt us into this bubble of intimacy I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I hated that maybe he was right. And that maybe, since I did want this to turn into something, waiting wasn't the worst thing.

  My fingers moved across his chest as I drew lines and tried to ignore how hard my heart was pounding. It was just him. Brandt. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t had sex… It had just never been with someone I wanted so much from, and the only parts of us that were touching were my fingers on his skin. Intense. It was the word I came back to again and again with him.

  “Is this a test of my self-control?” He laughed softly into my neck and his lips trailed across my jaw. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. It had been since Josh that I’d been so comfortable with someone, but with Josh it was so different. He and I would have never been this way. Brandt was a man who I was starting to think I might be able to love.

  “Just wanted to be closer.” I scooted until our bodies were pressed together again and closed my eyes, breathing in the smell of wood cabin and Brandt. Even though part of me wanted to escape from so much feeling, I pulled my tank quickly over my head and slid in next to him again. Bo
th heat and comfort came from our bodies touching.

  He let out a breath. “Maybe this is my exercise in self control.”

  “Is this bad?” I asked suddenly realizing he might take this all wrong. Like a tease.

  “No. This is all very good.” He kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers up and down my back sending shivers across my spine but also, finally, relaxing me into something that might turn into sleep.

  “Ash,” a whisper woke me, but I was determined to stay in my happy, sleepy haze for a while.

  “Ash.” Lips touched my shoulder and I stretched out onto my stomach as kisses made a trail across my back. “It seems like a crime to ask you to get dressed at this point, but…”

  I rolled over and fell immediately into Brandt’s arms. Sadly, his chest was already covered by a T-shirt and I frowned. It hadn’t been much the night before as far as levels or bases, but for me? Last night was a turning point. Yesterday I was the girl moving forward maybe, sort of. Today I was the girl who was there. Relationship. Caution. Doing things the right way to build something that might last. It all swirled around in my head and the small bubble of panic started to rise until I saw his smile. We’d been friends first, and we were still friends—even if we were more.

  “What’s this?” I teased, giving his shirt a tug.

  “Yes. Well. I have two teens in this very small cabin right now, and…”

  “Right.” I sat up, and daylight streamed through the windows.

  I turned back toward Brandt whose eyes were on me and whose face looked maybe slightly better today.

  “You’re beautiful.”

  “All men say that in front of a pair of boobs,” I teased as I pulled the blankets over my chest.

  He touched my bangs and kissed my nose. “I’m serious.”

  “So am I.” I chuckled as I pushed him away and slid on my tank. “Go find us some music or forage for breakfast or whatever you do here.”