One In A Billion

by Anne-Marie Hart

  Afterwards, contract in hand, head full of ideas, and a little merry from the two glasses of champagne I'd drunk, I went to celebrate on my own. I sat in the burger king on the Strand, and literally inhaled a double whopper, large fries and ice cold coke, and I had to tear myself away before I went up for seconds.

  ***

  'I thought it was called 'Fallen Away', Sophia said slurping away at a milkshake she'd mixed with whisky, as we both stared up at the billboard poster.

  'It was, I mean, it is', I said.

  'Fixing My Broken Heart', sounds like it could be a medical journal. 'Nice picture of you, but they changed the cover as well, huh? Are you sure it's the same book?'

  'No, yes, I guess it has to be.'

  'Didn't you spend like a million pounds on that cover?' Sophia said.

  'I spent a lot of money on it, yeah.' I said.

  'I kind of like the new cover', Sophia said. 'Obviously it's not as good as the original, but at least it's not terrible.'

  'It's ok', I said. 'It kind of fits the title I suppose. I just wish they'd told me before changing it, you know, consulted me.'

  'I guess they are the experts', Sophia said.

  'Yeah but it is my book', I said.

  'Not when you sell your soul to a publishing house. I wonder what else they've changed', Sophia said.

  'Don't say that Sophia, you'll make me paranoid.'

  'Come on, they told you they liked it right?'

  'Devizes told me they liked it. They didn't say anything to me in the meeting.'

  'Of course they liked it', Sophia said. 'They wouldn't have spent all this money promoting it otherwise. Look, you're famous dude. You're on a fucking billboard. How cool is that?'

  'I know.'

  'Wait til your brother gets a load of this. He'll crash his fucking car trying to work out what's going on.'

  I laughed. Sophia looped her arm into mine.

  'There are always three sides to any story', Sophia read from the billboard in her best American announcer's voice. 'One side, the other side, and then the truth. Katy is about to find out the truth, and it will change her life forever. Prometheus publishing are proud to present this debut novel by a rising star, Alice Cartright.'

  'That's not bad', I said.

  'You've got to be proud of yourself', Sophia said.

  'I'm proud', I said. 'I still don't believe it. I don't know where they got that quote from either.

  'You know Richard & Judy will promote anything for the right money', Sophia said.

  'Sophia!'

  'Ha, I'm kidding doofus', Sophia said. 'They must have been given a copy. That's what the publishing house is for. They represent you and sell your book. You'll see. You'll be a successful writer in no time.'

  I called Devizes about the changes. It was a bit of a shock seeing my book being promoted with a title and a cover I didn't recognise.

  'I'll look into it', Devizes said. He was abroad again, and sounded exhausted. I would have gone directly to the publishing house, but I was kind of afraid to in case they thought I was being ungrateful. I don't know. It was all so new to me I wanted to do it through Devizes, just in case.

  'They thought it was better like that', he said, when he'd finally had a chance to get back to me.

  'Ok', I said. 'It's just, they didn't tell me before hand. It would have been good to have been told.'

  'Trust them Alice, they know what they're doing. Any decision they make is about ensuring the book is the most appealing product for the commercial market. Have you seen the posters in the tube stations?'

  'Yeah, they're amazing', I said. 'They're everywhere.'

  'That's what a promotional campaign is all about', Devizes said. 'Do your family believe you now?'

  'They don't believe it's happening', I said. 'I think they're all a bit jealous.'

  'They should be proud', Devizes said. 'I know I am.'

  'They are proud', I said. 'In their own way.'

  My parents were stunned. James was the first to see the campaign, spotting a bill board on his drive home from work. Sophia was right, he did nearly crash the car. He told my parents before calling me, and then when he called me, instead of congratulating me on my success, he said, 'how the fuck did you do that?'

  Mum and dad's response was little better. 'James says you're on a billboard', dad said. 'Something about a book. I said it must have been someone that looked like you. Do you know anything about this?'

  'Is it true?' mum said. 'Someone has agreed to publish your book?'

  In the time between signing the book contract, and the night of the book launch, I saw Devizes much less than I wanted to because of work commitments he had, although we did manage a few very expensive restaurant dates, a hot air balloon ride that was part of a stunt to try and win a valuable work contract, a night at the ballet (during which Devizes fell asleep), and just about enough nights in under the duvets, lost in each others bodies, before we spread out on the massive bed, and looked at the stars. In that time, despite trying on several separate occasions to get an advance copy of my book (now called Fixing My Broken Heart), I wasn't able to. Before the morning of the night of the launch, when a copy was couriered to me at home, I had no idea what changes the publishing house had made.

  'They can't send you out something that hasn't been finished yet', Devizes said. 'You'll get it, don't worry. I don't know why you are worrying.'

  'Why does it take so long to spell-check an eighty thousand word document', I said.

  'Because it's not just that', Devizes said, 'and I think you know that already. They'll be checking grammar, doing a line edit, it'll go to a proofreading team and besides which, this isn't the only book they'll be working on. Kathyrn Meadows has got a new book coming out this month too.'

  When the book arrived that morning, and I excitedly sat up on my bed to tear the package open and greedily devour what was inside, my greatest fears were realised when I found upon opening it, that despite my name being on the front, and my picture being in the back, and my characters being the characters I'd written, this wasn't the book that I had submitted to them.

  With horror dawning, and tears now railing down my cheeks, I flicked through the bastardised copy of my work, outraged it had been operated upon like a sick infant. Immediately I called Devizes. That evening the book was being launched, and I was expected to stand there and promote it. That lie that I now held in my hand, that had once been my baby. I felt like someone had not only changed my book, that they'd changed my life, and were trying to change my memories too. That hurt more than anything else. Fallen Away was a work of fiction, there was no doubt about that, but fiction that was heavily based on my own life experiences, my agonising time through school, my attempts to write, and my first love, perhaps my only real love, Toby. They'd cut into it like it didn't matter, stitching it back up into something it never was.

  The call went to answer phone. 'You've reached the answer phone of Devizes Carter. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I'll get straight back to you.'

  'Fuck', I said, and threw what used to be my book against the wall.

  Chapter 15

  They weren't the only school in the area to do it, but in general it was pretty rare. They'd borrowed the custom from America, in a much more light-hearted way, so essentially the school prom was a glorified disco, to which sixteen year olds attended, got as drunk as possible on alcohol they'd either convinced on older sibling to buy for them, or stolen from their parent's drinks cabinet, and danced the night away in hired suits that make them all look like they were part of a theatrical performance.

  The prom at the high school that Alice and Toby attended was running into it's sixth year, and was tolerated by the principal, only because the students were required to pay for their entry, and it was a good way of topping up the school coffers. What this actually meant was that Principal Talbot got a nice little bonus at the end of the school year, because any of the proceeds that w
ere made, went directly into his pocket.

  It was an event to be seen at - perhaps the most important social event of the year - and it also happened to be the last time Alice would get to see Toby before she moved away. The prom had been scheduled on a Friday night, the last day of the school year for every year apart from the last, who had been let out a couple of weeks early after getting their results. In those two weeks, Alice had spent as much time as she could with Toby, and the rest of the time trying to convince her parents not to leave, or at least agree to leaving her here. They hadn't, and still as a minor, Alice had no choice but to go with them.

  Toby seemed to go through waves of understanding, waves of denial, waves of anger, waves of acceptance, and waves of depression, the like of which she hadn't seen since the height of the bullying years. Most of all he just didn't want to talk about it, which upset Alice even more. She knew that blocking it out, or numbing the pain with spliffs, or beer, which he'd taken to drinking from time to time, wasn't the way to solve their problem. They agreed that they'd continue seeing each other, despite the fact that Toby would be studying at an art school in Cambridge and Alice would be enrolling in a college in Dulwich. They'd still have the weekends free to see each other, and Alice planned to get a part time job waitressing during the evenings in the week, so she could save up to come to Cambridge to see him.

  Toby agreed to search for work as well, and would come to London as much as possible, despite Alice's parents not wanting Alice to have anything to do with who they saw as little other than a wayward teenager, and a bad influence. Although they hadn't told Alice, the deciding factor in whether they made the move or not was two-fold. James needed to be close to the university he was planning to attend, and Alice had to be prised away from Toby, lest she fall into a chasm they would never be able to pull her out of. Where James had excelled at school, Alice had done much worse than expected, and her parents placed the blame squarely on Toby's shoulders. They knew the two were now calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and they knew the boy was always in and out of trouble at school. He'd calmed down a little since his suspension, but he was regularly fighting, and they knew he liked to smoke. They thought that if they left Alice in his clutches for too long, he'd destroy their perfect little girl.

  Agreeing to let her go to the prom at all was a way of attempting to show her that they cared, and that despite the move to London, they supported her choice of boyfriend. They would let her have this night, and this night only, and then they would take her away into a better life, and Toby could go on influencing people they didn't give two shits about. What they believed Alice needed was structure, discipline and good, solid, educated people around her. They saw Toby as little more than a thug, especially now he'd shaved his head, and looked the part.

  Toby borrowed his dad's suit. It was the one his dad had got married in, and because of that it had special significance. Toby's dad had filled out over the years, but the suit fit Toby almost perfectly. His mum had to take up the legs a little bit, but the trousers fit perfectly around the waist and the jacket sat across his shoulders like it had always meant to be there. It was a kind of electric blue and high waisted, and it made Toby look like an extra in Grease. He loved it.

  The plan was to meet Alice at the school. He wanted to smoke a few spliffs with friends of his first, and get tanked up outside the dance, before they went in. He'd see Alice there, and with the expectant crowd gathered, they'd take their rightful place as king and queen of the ball. Alice didn't see anything wrong with this idea. In fact, she preferred not to have to do the whole, 'walk down the stairs looking amazing, while your date has small talk with your parents' thing she'd seen a thousand times on TV, and she knew anyway, that her parents didn't want Toby anywhere near the house.

  She'd get her parents to drop her off at the dance, meet Lisa and Clare and get a little bit drunk herself before going in. She liked the idea of seeing Toby for the first time across the dance floor, because there was something romantic about that scene that appealed to her.

  She'd chosen an open backed, long, elegant, full-length black dress, and looked absolutely incredible in it. She'd spent hours getting ready, most of that time spent doing her hair and make-up, ready to perfect herself for what Lisa and Clare were joking would be her wedding to Toby. She couldn't believe that this was going to be the last time she'd see him, but knew it was best not to think about it in case she got overly upset. Toby wasn't the only one that she'd miss either. Lisa and Clare had become solid friends over the last three years, and she knew it was going to be difficult to tear herself away from them too. Tonight was not only the school prom, it was also a goodbye to Alice, from all of her friends.

  Her parents couldn't believe how beautiful she looked, when she finally emerged from her room to present herself in front of them.

  'Wow', Alice's mum said.

  'You could have any guy you wanted looking like that', Alice's dad said. 'I don't know why you insist on picking a bad one.'

  'Dad, will you just leave it please. Tonight is not the night. You got your way, let me just have one night with Toby, please, without you trying to convince me that there are a thousand and one people better than him.'

  Alice was nervous on the way to the school. She'd made this trip hundreds of times before in the past, and there was something weird about doing it now, for what would be the very last time she'd have to make it.

  Her dad dropped her off at the front of the school, and arranged a time to come back and pick her up. There were already some people inside the assembly hall, which had been crudely transformed into a disco, with DJ up on the stage, disco lights hung from the rafters and small bar and tuck shop in one of the corners selling non-alcoholic drinks and sweets. She took a look around, tried to imagine what it would feel like never coming here again, and then went back outside to wait for Lisa and Clare.

  Toby was already onto his second beer, having guzzled the first one as though it were water. He seemed to be on a mission to get himself completely fucked up in as quick a time as possible and there was no-one around to stop him. His dad had dropped him off at Cal's house, with a four pack of cheap, weak, supermarket beer and they'd gone with Jack and a couple of other lads to a nearby spot they'd found at the end of last year, where they could get stoned and drunk, and generally fuck about, without people bothering them. Cal had been at his dad's drinks cabinet, and had managed to fill two small drinks bottles with a mix of various strong spirits taking such a small amount from each bottle his dad wouldn't be able to notice the difference, while Jack had come loaded with two big bottles of cider, he'd somehow managed to buy in the shop in the next village, and one of the other lads had got his older brother to go to the shop for him, and came with a crate of twelve cans of Carling.

  That would have been more than enough on its own to send the six of them over the top completely, but Toby also had an ace up his sleeve. He made sure he didn't go anywhere these days without a little bit of gear, and to that end, had purchased an eighth especially, just in case he didn't have enough booze to fuck himself up.

  There was already one spliff going, and Toby was busy rolling another one up.

  'What time do you want to go in?' Cal said.

  'There's no rush is there?' Toby said. 'Lets get a bit more fucked first of all.'

  Cal had already drunk half a small bottle of the mix he'd brought along and felt pretty fucked already. Toby could feel it too. He'd developed quite a good tolerance to weed over the last few years, but alcohol still had a way of making his head spin, no matter how little he drank of it. He didn't care how fucked up he got. Tonight was going to be the last time he'd see Alice, and he wanted to go out with a bang. Really he didn't want to think about it at all. The others in the group knew that, and had made a pact to keep quiet unless Toby opened his mouth and wanted to talk.

  Toby finished skinning up, sparked up the joint, took a few deep puffs and handed it on to Jack. Jack breathed down a little and
passed it on quickly. He didn't want to get as fucked up as Toby wanted him to, and knew all about pacing himself anyway, after a recent party where he'd spent most of it lying in a corner, covered in his own puke.

  While Alice met Lisa and Clare, and the three of them snuck away together to a covered spot behind the bike sheds, to share a couple of bottles of lambrini that Clare's older sister had bought for them, and a few cigarettes, Toby and the rest of his friends got completely fucked up. Toby was drinking and smoking like a madman, and pretty soon the world was spinning all around him.

  The two bottles of mixed spirits got drunk, one of them almost entirely by Toby, and the rest of the cans got guzzled down until all that was left were four cans of Carling and half a bottle of cider, which they decided to stash away in a bush to drink after the dance. It was 8:40pm already, even though Toby could barely see his watch without the hands moving, and he was going to be late. He'd arranged to meet Alice at the dance at 8.30pm and he knew she'd be there already, waiting for him.

  Toby had achieved what he set out to do. He'd numbed himself perfectly against what was happening, so drunk now, the world was moving so fast it didn't mean a thing to him. One moment they were drinking and smoking in the corner of a covered part of a little used playground, and the next moment he was puking all over his shoes.

  'Shit man', Cal said.

  'Fuck man, look how yellow it is', Jack said.

  Toby spat, puked again and nearly fell. He didn't know where the fuck they were, but suddenly there were people all around him. He looked and felt like shit. There was puke all over his shoes, and splatters of it up his trousers.

  'Give him a cigarette', someone said. It could have been Cal, but Toby couldn't work it out. The voice came to him slowed down, like whoever spoke it was talking from the other side of space.