One In A Billion

by Anne-Marie Hart

  'It depends how you look at it', Jackson said. 'Sometimes it's an easier decision than you think.'

  'How so?' I asked.

  'Well I suppose it depends on how you decide to write it', Jackson said. 'My wife's the reader, I drive cars, so what do I know, but usually decisions are led either by your head or your heart, that's what I figure.'

  'So how do you know which to go for?'

  'Well the rational decision is easier to take, that's the one your brain makes, but it's usually the less exciting one.'

  'What would you go for?'

  'I already made that decision a long time ago', Jackson said. 'When it came to love, I went with my heart. There isn't any other way to do it.'

  'You don't regret it?' I said.

  'Hell no', Jackson said. 'I'm happier today than I was yesterday, and I'll be happier still tomorrow.'

  We arrived at our destination.

  'There we go', Jackson said. 'Have a good evening Miss Cartright.'

  'What was the decision?' I said, before I got out of the car.

  'In another life, I was a pretty good footballer', Jackson said. 'I was offered a contract in Italy, but my girlfriend at the time was struggling with family issues, and depression, and all that kind of stuff, and she really needed my support. On the one hand, I had my career, a brain decision, and on the other hand I had my girlfriend, a heart decision. I turned the contract down to stay with her. It was a massive decision, because what they were offering to pay me was a hundred times more than I was earning at the club I was in. It was huge, and a once in a lifetime opportunity, of course, but I knew I couldn't take it. She didn't have anyone else, and I couldn't let her down. We'd known each other since we were thirteen years old, and she was just about the best friend I ever had.'

  'What happened to her?' I said.

  'She became my wife, my football career ended abruptly with a knee injury, and I, through a series of different paths, became a chauffeur. Together we have three children, and we've never looked back.'

  'That's a beautiful story', I said.

  'You can use it if you like', Jackson said smiling again. 'Although it doesn't involve two men.'

  The play was dull, and not anything like the distraction I had hoped it would be. Devizes was late too, and joined me half way through the performance, with a series of apologies that did nothing but annoy the people in the box next to us. We had dinner, another extravagant restaurant in another huge tower block in London with incredible views out across the city, and ate food that had been flown in from distant corners of the world, and cooked by world class chefs. We drank wine that had been bottled before my parents had even been born, and looked after for several years like a precious jewel that might have fallen out of the sun, and throughout it all, Devizes noticed my strange mood.

  'Are you ok Alice?' he said.

  I wrapped myself into him. 'I missed you', I said. 'I don't like spending so much time apart.'

  'I'm sorry honey', Devizes said. 'I have to work. If I don't, we can't do this?'

  'I'm happy to not drink a ten thousand pound bottle of wine one night, if it means I get to see you', I said.

  'It doesn't really work like that, I'm afraid', Devizes said.

  'How does it work?' I said, annoyed that he was prioritising work above me.

  'Differently', was all he said. 'You know work's important to me.'

  'I know', I said, resigned to it.

  'I've got tomorrow off', Devizes said.

  'And this weekend?' I asked, caressing his leg affectionately. 'Can we do something special? I feel like I haven't seen you at all since the holiday.'

  'Since the island?' Devizes said in disbelief. 'We've seen each other loads since then.'

  'Can we go away?' I asked, fluttering my eye-lids theatrically at him. 'I need a break from writing.'

  'Where do you want to go?' Devizes said.

  'Just away', I said. 'Somewhere it's just you and me without the telephone, computer or international conferences.'

  'Ok', Devizes said. 'But I have got a conference this weekend.'

  'Another one?' I said, disappointedly.

  'I can cancel it', Devizes said, 'or move it at least. It may mean working a lot more when we come back, if you are happy with that.'

  'I need it, Devizes', I said. 'I need some alone time with you, and I need some time to think about the book.'

  'Ok', Devizes said. 'Let's do it. I'll make a few calls tomorrow, and see if I can get the conference re-organized, how does that sound?'

  'That sounds perfect', I said.

  'Then we can decide where we want to go', Devizes said. 'We can always go back to the island if you want, but it might be a bit too far away for such a short trip.'

  'I want to go to Brighton', I said.

  'Brighton?' Devizes said derisively.

  'What's wrong with Brighton?' I said. 'I used to go there all the time with my family.'

  'It's a bit common isn't it? We could go anywhere in the world, and you want to go to Brighton?'

  'Yep', I said and nodded.

  'Ok', Devizes said.

  'We could take the Ferrari' I said, excitedly. 'Like a road trip. Maybe we could camp too!'

  'Camping?' Devizes said. 'You mean in a tent? We don't have to do that, we can stay anywhere we want.'

  'Camping's fun', I said. 'I love camping.'

  'Isn't it really uncomfortable, tiring, difficult to get a good nights sleep, a long way away from civilisation.'

  'Exactly', I said. 'It might help me think. The city is so overwhelming sometimes, don't you find that?'

  'Not really', Devizes said. 'You can get anything you want here, you can't do that in the country.'

  'You can get close to nature in the country', I said. 'Away from concrete and technology. I think everyone needs that from time to time. Can we go, please?'

  'Do we have to camp?' Devizes said, in a way that made him sound worried I was going to make him run through fire or sell his soul to the devil.

  'I'd really like to camp', I said, but maybe we can do that at a different time. 'I guess you're not really used to doing it.'

  'I've never camped before in my life', Devizes said. 'To be honest, I can't really see the appeal.'

  'Toby and I used to camp all the time, even if we weren't going anyway', I said without even thinking about it. 'We'd just pitch a tent in the field behind my house, and spend all night telling each other scary stories.'

  'Is that your ex?' Devizes asked. I couldn't tell if he sounded jealous or not.

  'No', I said. 'Just an old friend from when I was young. We used to live in the same village.'

  'Do you mind if we don't camp?' Devizes said, changing the subject back. 'I don't mind if we go to Brighton, but let's at least stay somewhere decent.'

  I had to compromise. 'Ok', I said. 'If you drive us down in the Ferrari, we can stay wherever you choose, but we've got to do the things I want to do, and it doesn't matter how little they cost, is that agreed?'

  'Ok', Devizes said, a little bit scared of what that might entail. 'I agree.'

  'Thinking about it, a Ferrari might look a little bit out of place on a muddy farm', I said, and Devizes looked so horrified by the thought, I couldn't help but laugh.

  We finished our ten thousand pound bottle of wine, the lobsters that had been flown in from some exotic destination and the overpriced potato salad they had been served with. We ate dessert, drank more very expensive wine, and finally I forgot enough about Toby and any kind of decision making, while I lost myself in Devizes's smile and his beautiful green eyes, that shone at me like thick forest moss.

  By the time we got back to Devizes's house, we were both drunk, and desperately in need of some together time curled up in bed. We had got drunk together a few times now, and Devizes seemed to have an almost inhuman ability to drink as much as he desired and fuck me like he'd not drunk anything but pure spring water all night from a blessed source. In all of this, I just allowed myself to
be manipulated and moved around according to his desires, while every so often a ripple ran through me that increased and increased and ending up exploding all over me and blowing smoke out of my ears like Disney characters in old cartoons.

  I lost count of how many times he took me to the edge, pulled me back like a safety official, only to tease me again and hang me out over the ledge, fully in control of what he was doing, while I stared, trance-like, at the bottomless pit of ecstasy below. It was exactly what I needed, and Devizes was the only man I had experienced in my life who knew how to provide it.

  Sophia told me once that sex and love were two completely different things. She couldn't define love beyond something that encompassed sex, but was a whole lot more as well, like a completely different state, or something she described as the closest we got to what we understood utopia or nirvana to mean. Like a level up from life. She said she'd experienced it once too, but didn't realise it at the time. I wondered what was developing between me and Devizes in that respect. The sex was out of this world good, which made me wonder whether it was what Sophia had described as love, instead of just being like every other sexual experience I'd had in my life, and what people who weren't in love usually just experienced. I was thinking about that while Devizes was having a shower, no doubt rejuvenating himself for the next round, and I was still thinking about it a few moments later, when I heard a message come through on his mobile phone.

  I wasn't in the habit of reading Devizes's messages, and I'm certainly not his secretary or PA. I would usually never read messages on anyone's phone, regardless of whether they were my boyfriend or not, even if I had reason to believe they were doing something they shouldn't, so for this reason, I have no idea why I picked up Devizes's phone, laid back in bed, and casually read what had been sent. This wasn't the phone I had seen him with before, but that in itself wasn't unusual. Devizes had phones for different aspects of his business, and phones specifically for different business clients. I read the message slowly. Closed the phone, opened it up and read it again. When I'd read it for the third or fourth time, my eyes blurry and a horrible hollow feeling growing in my stomach, I read all the other ones that had been sent. Amongst about six other names, all of whom were women, were messages of my own.

  The one that had come through, and I had gone back to read for perhaps the fifteenth time, when Devizes came out of the shower and stood by the bed in silence watching me, was from Brigitte, and said:

  'Last weekend was amazing. When are you going to come over and fuck me like that again?'

  Every other message was of similar construction. Fia, Carla, Sandy, Paula, Alexis and myself, were all saying the same thing. I looked over to him, my face, I expect, as white as a sheet.

  'I can explain', Devizes said.

  'Get someone to take me home', was all I could manage.

  'Please Alice', Devizes said. 'Let me explain.'

  I got my clothes on silently, while Devizes fussed his way around me, telling me things I was unable to process. Tears were clogging my eyes, and I stumbled a little bit as I tried to pull on my jeans, so shocked I was unable to even coordinate my movements enough to dress myself. My heart felt like lead, and I wanted to puke. The longer I stayed there, the worse it got. I tried to leave, but every door took me into another part of the gigantic house, and I couldn't find my way out. I felt like I was trapped in a Devizes designed labyrinth, and each turn took me deeper and deeper into his dungeon of lies. Finally I just fell to my knees and screamed, happy to give up and lay there until either someone rescued me, or I withered away and died of a broken heart.

  Eventually, Devizes came along, took me by the hand and led me slowly to the front door, like a wounded soldier away from a battlefield, and on from there to the lifts, my arm across his shoulder. A taxi was waiting at the bottom of the apartment block, and I climbed in without even knowing if it was for me. Once inside, I begged the driver to take me home, and then curled up into a ball on the back seat, sobbing like a trapped beast on the way to slaughter, while the lights of London flashed past around me in a nauseous blur, and my already fragile heart creaked again, ready to break for ever. I couldn't believe what I'd read. I couldn't believe Devizes had lied to me, and more than anything else, I couldn't believe it was happening again.

  Chapter 21

  Sophia was asleep when I got back home, and even though I knew she'd happily get up if I banged on her door and told her I needed her, I decided to leave it and try and get some sleep. I figured I could deal with yet another massive disappointment in my life the following morning - an overnight delay wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

  I slept as you might expect me to. I tossed and turned all night, cried silently into my pillow for lack of energy to cry any other way, and eventually, for a few snatched hours, finally got some rest.

  I'd had enough of trying at about 8am, so I got up and went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. I felt worse than I had done in months. I thought about calling Toby, but didn't want to dump my shit on him, just in case he thought I was a complete fucking mess, and decided it would be better to creep out of my life as quickly as he'd put himself back into it.

  I wanted Devizes to explain to me what the fuck was going on, tell me that somehow I had been mistaken, but I had no desire to talk to him either. Also, I'd read the message enough times to know that it had to be real, so what was there that he could really explain to me? That he'd been laughing at me for trusting him? Fucking arse-hole. I still couldn't believe what had happened. Not just one girl either - Brigitte, Alexis, Carla, and I bet he was fucking that PA Stephanie too.

  Sophia still wasn't up. I angrily got some breakfast, smashing things around, slamming fridge and cupboard doors, and then sat down to stare at it, or spoon it around the bowl really, because as soon as it was made, I had no desire to eat it. I pushed the bowl to the other side of the table, and out of arms reach, just to save myself from flinging it across the room.

  I went to Sophia's door, listened for a while and then knocked softly.

  'Sophia?' I called. 'Are you there?'

  I sounded like a six year old whose pet had just died.

  'Sophia', I said a bit louder.

  'Alice?' Sophia said from behind the door. 'Is that you?'

  'Can I come in', I said. 'I need to talk to you.'

  'Sure', Sophia said.

  I opened the door, turned the light on and sat on the end of the bed. Sophia's room smelt of whisky and sex. There were clothes all over the floor, even though there was a perfectly good wardrobe to put them in, dirty plates, a mug that I thought had gone missing two years ago, and sex toys mixed in with everything else, like a salad garnish on a plate of meat.

  Sophia sat up, while Tad, and someone I didn't recognise, continued to sleep either side of her.

  'Is this a bad time?' I said.

  'No, of course not', Sophia said. She reached behind her and lifted up the blind, letting more light into the room. 'What's up?'

  'He's fucking cheating on me Soph', I said.

  'What?' Sophia said. 'When did this happen?'

  'Last night', I said, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.

  'Fucking hell', Sophia said. 'What happened? Did you catch him in bed with someone else?'

  'No, I'd been in bed with him', I said, 'and then he had a text message through on his phone saying something like 'that fuck last night was amazing when can we do it again'. It wasn't the only one either. There were others that went back to before we'd even met. He hasn't ever been faithful to me Soph, not even from day one.'

  'Oh', Sophia said. 'Fuck.'

  'Yeah', I said. 'It's happened again. It keeps fucking happening.'

  'I'm so sorry Alice', Sophia said.

  'I don't know what to do', I said, crying again. 'I really like him. I thought, you know, he could be the one for me. The fucker was lying all this time.'

  'What a fucking ass-hole', Sophia said.

  'Right', I said. 'I kn
ow how to pick them don't I?'

  Sophia pulled me towards her and held me tightly.

  'Have you spoken to him today?' she said, smoothing my hair. I pulled away from her to answer.

  'No', I said, shaking my head.

  Tears were falling all over Sophia's duvet, and I tried as best as I could to clear them up, but they were coming down like raindrops in monsoon season, and each time I dried one patch, another three would appear.

  'I got a taxi back as soon as I found out. I feel like someone has ripped me apart, you know, like I'm not even me. What should I do, Soph? I don't know what I should do.'

  'Oh Alice', Sophia said. 'If he's fucking other women, he's not for you. He's lied to you.'

  I started to cry again, and Sophia took me back in her arms.

  'You've got to forget about him as soon as you can', she said. 'Move on, be good to yourself. You can't be with someone who hurts you like this.'

  'I don't know what to do', I said, losing myself in a whirlwind of sobs and confusion. 'This is all so fucked up.'

  Devizes tried to call me a handful of times, left several text messages, and a series of answer-phone messages, pleading me to let him explain, that it was a one off, that he was sick, and that it would never happen again, that I had made him see the light, and he was head over heels in love with me.

  I listened to each one of these messages and then deleted them one by one, before switching off my phone. Sophia told me I needed a distraction, so I went out with her for a while to drink coffee and forget about my problems, but they just wouldn't go away. I went for a run in the afternoon, during large parts of which I was crying heavily and must have looked like a mad woman, and when I came home, I stared for almost an hour at the blank word document on my screen in an attempt to channel my emotions and write something useful, and then spent a couple more hours reading old diary entries from my adolescence, most of which were about my life back then with Toby.

  The evening came and went. I kept my phone off under Sophia's advise, fighting constantly against the urge to turn it back on. I missed Devizes, even though the fucking shit had treated me the way he had, and I hated myself for needing him. Sophia told me that it wasn't Devizes that I was missing, but having someone there that treated me with respect, and I shouldn't get confused by the two. Devizes had lied to me, and that was the bottom line. As the day wore on, I was getting less sure of how I felt, so much so that I wondered whether what he had done was as bad as I originally thought it had been.