Worth the Risk

by Anne Lange

  She gasped as he drilled into her, his grip no doubt leaving marks on her hips with the force of each thrust. The added stimulation pushed her closer to the edge, sending her to the very precipice, urging her to tumble over.

  When he reached around her hips and pinched her clit between his thumb and forefinger, she exploded, shoving her head into the crook of her arm to stifle a scream. Fireworks erupted behind her closed eyelids. She succumbed to the release, blind to her surroundings.

  Unrelenting, he continued to fuck her, pounding in hard thrusts until he rammed into her one final time, staying deep, his body shuddering over hers. His hips tight against her behind, he curved protectively over her back, wrapped his arms around her, and pinned his cheek against her spine. His cock stiffened and jerked deep inside her.

  * * *

  Holy fuck. He had never had an orgasm leave him feeling sucked dry. Tucked beneath him, Molly dragged in gulps of air. He should get up before he crushed her, but couldn’t find the energy to move his limbs. What happened? What had started out being a revelation about the past, one that had left him hurt and angry, had ended with the best sex of his life. He needed time to figure everything out, to decide where to go from here.

  With no small effort, he managed to lift up and back away, needing a little space to pull up his pants and get it together. A squirrel darted up a nearby tree, chattering his anger at the invasion. Crap. He glanced around. He wouldn’t have heard a marching band pass by. He had been so into her that he’d blocked everything else out, including what had brought them here in the first place. He waited while she pulled her clothes back on. She looked stunned too. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

  “I’m fine.” Her skin glowed a pretty pink, but she didn’t avoid his gaze. He sent up a prayer of thanks. He didn’t want her to regret anything. He certainly didn’t. How could he? He loved her.

  Everything inside him stilled as the realization settled like a quilt around him. His plans to return to Ontario hinged on her, on whether she would accept him living in the same city, perhaps even work on rebuilding their friendship. He had hoped she might still feel something for him. Guess that question had been answered. But he hadn’t planned to fall in love with her again. Not so soon anyway. Fuck. Maybe he never stopped loving her. But what now? She’d kept a major secret from him—his baby.

  He wasn’t sure about anything. They had a lot to discuss. He had no idea what she’d been doing, who she’d been seeing in the past years, or what her plans were for the future. But he intended to find out.

  “We should return to camp.” She had redressed. “The others are going to wonder where we went.”

  Was that regret he heard now? “We need to finish our discussion.”

  “I know. We will. For now, though—” She waved a hand between the two of them. “This…what happened here is a little overwhelming. I need time before we talk about the rest. Do you mind?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Maybe we can take a walk down to the beach tonight. Talk there?”

  A funny look crossed her face. “We’ll see.”

  He reached for her hand. “Fair enough. Come on. Let’s go congratulate our friends on their happy news.” He led her through the trees and back to the path. As they neared their campsite, music and laughter reached their ears, and the smell of burgers cooking over an open fire wafted to their noses. His stomach growled. They’d been gone for some time.

  She dropped his hand just before their friends spotted them. The immediate disappointment stung, but it dissipated fast, replaced with hope. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans to discourage or least hide the erection that was building again. He smiled. They would have to work on rebuilding their friendship.

  Chapter Eight

  Colleen glanced up in time to catch their arrival. She rose from her chair and walked over, meeting them halfway. “Hey, guys. Where’ve you been? We missed you after breakfast.” Her intent gaze swung back and forth between the two of them. Tanner offered a polite smile, but disclosed nothing. He kept moving. Colleen turned a curious glance back to Molly. “Is everything OK?”

  “Yeah.” Molly’s heart and soul felt much lighter. They weren’t healed, but they weren’t so broken either.

  “Sweetie, you’ve been crying. Did he say or do something to hurt you?”

  “No, nothing like that. Honest.” She swallowed and glanced over Colleen’s shoulder. Tanner had joined the others and was talking with Sam. “We had some things to work out, and it…got a little emotional. I’m fine.” In truth, she felt more than fine. She’d just experienced the best sex of her life—with the hardest orgasm ever—at the hands of the true love of her life. If only she could have Tanner in her life.

  “You’re sure?”

  Molly gave her a reassuring hug. “Yes, I’m sure. Now, let’s go get some food. I’m starving.”

  Before filling her stomach, Molly congratulated her friends. Satisfied she’d expressed true happiness for them without tugging too hard at her own heartstrings, she helped herself to some lunch and grabbed a chair to sit down. It was past time to sit back and enjoy an afternoon with her friends.

  They spent the day playing lawn darts and cards, the girls ganging up against the guys. The men strutting, thumping their chests when they beat the women at darts, claiming the ladies cheated when they happened to win at cards. They listened to favorite bands of the past, every now and then stopping to sing a particular chorus aloud together. They laughed at the pleasant memories and cried at a few sad ones. They retold stories of mischief and narrow escapes. They talked about past camping trips. Too bad time didn’t come with a rewind button.

  The more time she spent with Tanner, the more she ached for him. Old feelings floated to the surface, struggling for purchase. She fantasized of a future with him; however, that’s all it could be—a dream. Molly would tell him what happened and when the weekend ended, they would go their separate ways.

  She’d spent two years working at it, but with the help of a therapist she’d dealt with the loss of the baby, her parents, and her brother moving away. She’d done nothing to cause any of it, nor was there anything she could have done to prevent any of it. With the truth out, it was time to move on. Her feelings over the pregnancy and its potential long-term effects had inhibited her from pursuing long-term relationships. The shame and guilt of keeping something so important from the one person who had a right to know left her questioning her ability to commit to anybody.

  Molly prayed he would forgive her for not telling him the truth about the baby and the miscarriage. He had a right to be hurt and angry. She hoped after this, maybe they’d be friends. She couldn’t live in the same city and not be friends.

  Friends? Who was she kidding?

  * * *

  Night folded down around the campground, tucking them into a protective, cozy haven, their tents nothing but dim shadows beyond the rim of light provided by the fire. The background music turned to softer, slower selections, and her friends began to pair off. She envied Sam and Olivia as they stepped beyond the ring of light and turned toward one another, their faces golden in the fire’s glow. They cuddled close, swaying to the music, murmuring soft words to each other.

  Tanner appeared at her side and bent down. His breath whispered against the shell of her ear. “Dance with me?”

  She hesitated, but nodded and rose to her feet. Taking her hand, he led her a few feet away from the others before pulling her into the shelter of his arms. She laid her head against his chest, closed her eyes and inhaled, storing his scent in her memory bank for later.

  He tucked her close. It may have been the drinks she’d consumed, the trip down memory lane, the music…or maybe it was the man. Whatever. She didn’t want it to end, not tonight, anyway. In two short days, she’d go back to the city. Alone. Why not take advantage of this small reprieve? She allowed a deep sigh to travel through her body as she rested against him.

  Not a word passed between them for a few so
ngs. Molly found herself daydreaming about unrealistic possibilities when Tanner’s husky voice interrupted her. “Let’s take a walk.”

  Her mouth formed a no, but the word never slipped past her lips. If they went off to some secluded spot there was a high probability they would end up making love again. Mistaking her trembling for being cold, Tanner snuggled her closer and rubbed his hand down her back.

  She melted at the warmth flooding her. “I’ll just grab a jacket first.”

  When she turned toward the tent, she realized only Violet, Matt, and Brad remained around the fire, involved in a discussion on the upcoming municipal elections. The others, she presumed, had gone in search of their own private moments.

  Molly fetched her coat and returned to Tanner’s side. He had his own coat, and he’d thought to bring a blanket and a flashlight. Tucking the blanket under one arm, he reached for her hand with the other.

  She followed him through the trees to a path leading to the beach. They made the twenty-minute trek in silence, the flashlight bobbing along in front of them, illuminating the trail ahead. The occasional bout of laughter or music from other sites trickled through the trees. They heard the scampering of four-legged animals anxious to get out of their way. An owl hooted from somewhere high above.

  The smell of the lake reached her nose before they broke out of the trees onto the sand and crossed to a formation of rocks that crowded the far northeast corner. Tanner made his way around to the other side where a point beyond a small grouping of trees lay bathed in moonlight. At night, it was breathtaking—and private. He swept out the blanket, laying it on the sand and sat in the center. She stood looking down at him for a moment, remembering.

  She swallowed, toed off her shoes, and sat down beside him.

  For a few moments, silence filled the space between them; only the sound of the water hitting the shoreline broke it. Her mind skipped back to this same beach, this same spot, many years ago. A lifetime ago. “It’s still beautiful here.”

  “I want the whole story, Molly.” His voice, pitched low, shattered the stillness. “We always practiced safe sex. I never screwed up. I’m certain of that.” Based on his rigid position, he was trying hard to contain the anger that tinged his words.

  She focused her attention on the sand sifting through her fingers. “I know you were careful. It wasn’t anything you did. One of the condoms must have been defective or broke and we didn’t realize it. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. Don’t worry, I don’t blame you.”

  She paused to take a fortifying breath before she went on.

  “A few weeks before our Christmas break, I realized I had missed my last period. When I checked the calendar, I realized I’d actually missed a few. So I took a home pregnancy test.” She shrugged. “I didn’t want to say anything until I had a chance to confirm it, and I didn’t want to alarm you in case it was a false positive.” She chanced a quick peek in his direction. He sat, facing forward, looking out over the water. He appeared indifferent, but his stiff bearing said otherwise—his full attention remained riveted on her. She returned hers to the sand.

  “We were studying for exams and making plans for Christmas. I was heading home before you, so I figured I’d get it confirmed and then surprise you. I went to my family doctor and, well…” She opened her mouth, taking in gulp of cool night air.

  “I was getting ready to tell you. I had it all figured out. I even had a little gift ready to stuff into your stocking. Then I woke up a few days before Christmas and I was bleeding.” She stopped talking, and lifted a hand to her face, wiping away a single tear rolling down her cheek. He reached over and clasped her other hand in his. He gave it a gentle squeeze and caressed her skin with his thumb.

  “My mom was shocked, but I think she knew what was happening. By the time we got to the hospital I had started cramping pretty bad.” She wiped away another tear. She’d never said anything about that horrible morning to anyone before now.

  “I spent a couple of days in the hospital. Mom and Dad were great. They never pressured me to discuss it or made me feel guilty for not saying anything to them…or for getting pregnant in the first place.” She paused again, her breathing a tad ragged.

  “That’s why you wouldn’t see me on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Or even the day after. I remembered how pale and sullen you were when we finally exchanged gifts. I just figured you’d had the stomach flu.” His head swung around as his gaze sought hers. “Were you still in the hospital?”

  She shook her head. “I was released mid-afternoon on the twenty-fourth. But I was in no shape to see or talk to anybody.” She swallowed a mouthful of guilt. “They wanted me to call you. When I refused, they encouraged me to talk to somebody, anybody. But I just wanted to be left alone.” Her breath hitched.

  “Why? Why couldn’t you tell me?” His speech was raspy.

  “I blamed myself.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.” His voice wobbled. She fixated on the sand. She couldn’t stand to seethe betrayal she anticipated would be plain as day on his face, in his eyes.

  “I believed it was. We were in our last year of university. I had my part-time job at the paper, and I was trying to land that full-time position. I wasn’t sleeping. I stressed about exams and the holidays, and I wasn’t eating right. I figured all that worked against me.”

  “You can’t really believe that.”

  “At the time, I did. And nobody could convince me otherwise. More importantly, I didn’t want anybody to try. I was heartbroken. I’d lost our baby.”

  Tanner didn’t say a word for about twenty minutes. In the silence of the night, the softness of his voice, when he spoke, made her jolt. “I don’t like it, but, I guess I can understand. What I still don’t get, though, is why you broke up with me. Even if you had decided never to tell me about the baby, why end our relationship?”

  She shifted to face him straight on. “I didn’t want to tie you down with a wife who might not be able to give you children.” A sob burned the back of her throat. Tears pooled in her eyes.

  “Not give me children? I’m confused.”

  “The doctor said I’d had a molar pregnancy.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It’s when an incorrect number of chromosomes are transferred to the baby.” In a voice as detached as possible, she reiterated what the doctor had told her. Ten years later and she could still hear his exact words. “In a normal pregnancy an equal number of chromosomes are transferred. In some cases, the fetus will still develop, but without the proper genetic makeup, it won’t survive. After the miscarriage, they did a D and C—a dilatation and curettage—to confirm the diagnosis and to remove any remaining tissue from my uterus. Apparently, sometimes there can be further complications, even the possibility of cancer. I had to go through monthly blood tests for a year to confirm everything was all right, and I couldn’t risk getting pregnant again until my hormone levels were back to normal.”

  “How are you now?” Concern lay heavy in his question.

  “I’m fine. As far as I know anyway.”

  “What does that mean? Did the doctor tell you that you couldn’t have other children?”

  “No.”

  “Can this happen again?”

  “The doctor said that it was possible, but the risk of it happening was minimal.”

  “So if he said the chances are slim, what’s the problem?” His snap of frustration came through loud and clear.

  “What if I can’t have other babies? What if I get pregnant and it happens again? I can’t go through that, not again.” She paused, her voice a bare whisper when she continued. “You’ll be a great father someday. You deserve a family. I’m just not sure I’m the one who can give it to you.”

  “Life is full of risks.”

  “I know. When I found out I was going to have your baby…God, Tanner…I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to tell you.” He reached to put his arm around her, pulling her tight against him. She snuggled int
o his side.

  “Even though my parents and the doctor told me everything would be fine, told me it was nothing I did, and not to worry I’d probably have other children, I truly believed I must have done something wrong or my body was in some way defective.”

  “How did I not notice what you were going through? We were together all the time. Fuck, we went to school together. We lived together.”

  “I purposely stayed away from you over the holidays, and when we got back to the city, we were caught up in the new term and graduation. I didn’t say much, but I was physically there.”

  She peeked up to see him fixed on something out across the water. Tears tracked down his cheeks. She reached a tentative hand up to wipe them away, but stopped halfway there, unsure.

  His free hand snagged hers before she reached his face. He lowered their hands to his lap, holding hers tight within his. Swallowing back her own tears, her voice quivered. “I needed to pretend nothing happened. I know, now, that the likelihood may be slim, but there’s still a possibility it could happen again. Back then, I exhibited the classic signs of depression. I let it wrap around me like a blanket, and although intellectually I recognized it for what it was, I couldn’t force myself to get the help I needed. Instead, I continued on a downward spiral, until I needed to walk away.”

  “You should have come to me. I can’t believe I didn’t notice my girlfriend was going through that. What the fuck kind of guy was I that I didn’t notice you hurting?”

  “Don't do that to yourself. It wouldn’t have mattered. I’d started making other plans…”

  “What do you mean? What were you doing?”

  “I started looking for a place where I could live on my own.” His body stiffened. “I couldn’t face hurting you any more than I already had—even if you weren’t aware of it. I didn’t want to destroy your dreams too. I didn’t want to wake up one day to see disappointment in your eyes, or worse, pity. I didn’t want you to hate me.”