Half-Truths

by Randileigh Kennedy

  “Just a few, but the rest have to stay in my possession due to confidentiality reasons. I can get you a meeting next week, Whitley. Possibly Wednesday or Thursday, but that’s it. We really need to move on this. Take the meeting.”

  “I don’t know if I’m able to swing that,” I said hesitantly, unsure if I would be back in Nashville by then.

  “Whitley, take the meeting. This is a big deal. I’ll e-mail you the details.”

  Dalton held out a small manila envelope, and I reluctantly took it, unsure what to think or feel. This last week had been such a whirlwind. I was certain I wasn’t thinking clearly. I gave him an awkward half wave, then walked out through the same door I’d come in. I quickly found Sawyer, Brie, and Alex in the crowd.

  “Can we go?” I yelled in Sawyer’s ear, making sure he heard me over the thunderous music coming from the stage.

  He smiled and nodded.

  Thankfully Alex was oblivious to what was happening, and Brie seemed really into the music, so I asked if she minded us leaving without them. She assured me she would be fine alone with her date, so Sawyer and I left the pub together.

  “Where do you want to go?” he asked politely.

  “Away from all the noise.” I was exhausted and just wanted to go someplace I could shut my brain off.

  We climbed into Sawyer’s Jeep, and I gave him loose directions. He followed my instructions, and within about fifteen minutes we were in a small parking lot off the side of the road.

  “You know where all the good spots are around here, don’t you,” he said with a mischievous smile.

  “That’s why I’m amazed you’ve taken me to a few new places.” I grinned back. “I thought I knew this place so well. It’s weird, you grow up in one spot, feeling like you know everything about it, feeling like you know everyone even though it’s not really that small of a town, but then you’re gone for a bit and it’s like it’s all changed.”

  “Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.”

  “I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I so badly want to feel like this place is still home, but it’s not. It doesn’t feel the same.”

  “Does Nashville feel like home to you now?”

  I shook my head again as we climbed out of the Jeep and made our way to the beach. Two old wooden swing sets were perched at the edge of the water, one with single swings and another with doubles. This spot was always packed during the day but not so much at night because the lighting wasn’t great. Tonight, however, the moon was bright, and it was perfect. “Nashville is beautiful, and I’m happy there,” I explained, “but I still feel lost. It’s like a giant hole I’m trying to climb out of. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  We slid off our shoes, and the sand was cool on our feet. We slumped down together in one of the old double swings. It was kind of like a porch swing, a bit rickety and such, but the way it glided over the water was far better than any porch swing I’d ever been on. Sawyer dug his feet in the sand and gently put the chair in motion.

  “What is it with you and swings?” he asked playfully.

  “They just make me feel nostalgic. They make me feel like everything is simple. I used to come out here with a blanket and notebook, and I would sit here for hours. I would write for what felt like thirty minutes, but sometimes I’d look at my phone and four hours would have passed without me realizing it. I know I need to grow up, but sometimes it just feels good to do something I did as a kid. To feel like the world isn’t heavy. That sounds stupid saying it out loud.”

  “Not really. I get it,” he replied warmly. “Come here.” He motioned for me to lean up against him, and I complied, sweeping my legs up on the swing while I rested my head across his chest. I could see all the stars above me, and despite how rattled I’d been earlier tonight, I felt a sense of calm here. My heartbeat slowed, and I didn’t feel as riled up, though I still had a lot on my mind. I thought about Wes. I thought about Chris too and wondered what to do about everything. I felt stupid for mixing my work with my heart. I knew when it started it was probably a bad idea, but I was too caught up. Now, with Sawyer, my brain couldn’t quite sort out what my heart had been through in the past year. I was apparently drawn to heartbreak, that seemed clear. Here I was, back home because my dad’s heart was literally breaking . . . It felt like too much to deal with. I just wanted someone to give me all the answers.

  “Why are you so quiet?”

  “I have a lot on my mind,” I said quietly.

  “Your eyes have changed. I can’t read you.”

  I groaned. “I saw my ex last night. That guy Wes you saw at the hospital. We had a long talk about everything that happened between us. So much went wrong. It felt weird to talk about it. In many ways it feels like a lifetime ago, yet moving on from that, it’s always still there, you know? Then having to see Chris tonight . . . They want to use some of my songs for his new album. I’m ecstatic about it, but my anger toward him won’t let me enjoy it, which just further pisses me off. And then there’s you . . .” I stopped when I realized I wasn’t ready to talk about us yet.

  I looked up at him, and his eyes twinkled warmly. “Go on.”

  “I’m just glad I met you, that’s all,” I replied, not sure how much truth I wanted to let out tonight. That’s the worst part about falling for someone: you want to blurt out how amazing you think they are and how much they ignite in you. You want to gush about it until there are no words left. The reality, however, is that you’re not supposed to do that. It will make you sound irrational and crazy, and it’s too risky.

  “So let the walls down, Whit,” he said sincerely, as if he was reading my mind. “What do you want? You think you’re climbing out of a hole. What’s at the top? What does it look like when you get out?”

  “I’m writing in a notebook, probably on a swing,” I clarified, “and I don’t have this weight on my chest. I’m not worried about everyone and everything around me. I’m not worried about having a place to live or how proud I can make anyone. I can simply just write, and fall in love, and jump into freezing cold water on a hot summer day, and dance in hotel rooms, and sleep under the stars . . .”

  “And dishes,” he added with a small laugh. “Someone has to do the dishes.”

  “If life was less complicated, I would love to wash dishes.” I giggled. We slowly swayed back and forth under the moon, and this felt like exactly what I was talking about. The world was calm and easy. Nothing big had necessarily changed—I still wasn’t sure what to do with my music and the situation with my father was nerve racking. But in this moment, I realized this was what I wanted: an uncomplicated life of swinging under the stars with someone who made me laugh and slowed me down from the chaos. Yet somehow it all felt impossibly far away. There was that old adage about things seeming too good to be true—maybe that was my hesitation. Maybe, just maybe, Sawyer was simply too good.

  Chapter 15

  My mother called the house phone with more good news the following morning. My dad’s heart continued to function on its own, and although they weren’t certain as to how quickly it would improve, it didn’t appear to be getting worse. She explained he would have to wear a vest of some sort upon his discharge from Stanford as a precaution in case his heart stopped beating. The vest would “shock” his heart once it detected an issue; that was the back-up plan. The doctors still weren’t overly optimistic—after all, they were shocked he’d made it through this ordeal to begin with. They cautioned us that it could be a year or more before his heart function began to improve, if it did at all. He was still technically in heart failure, but compared to where he was at before his surgery, this was major progress.

  I took my grandmas to church then spent the afternoon with Sawyer and Brie. Alex planned to join us later that evening for some grub once he had finished work. We hung out on the beach, playing volleyball and catching some sun. It was a perfectly relaxing day, and I loved afternoons like this, hanging out with two wonderful people who built up my soul. We laughed
and swam, then threw a Frisbee around for a while. It was a perfect summer afternoon.

  That night we ate at a trendy restaurant in town. It wasn’t a spot Brie and I frequented back in college, but it overlooked the lake and was a good place for tourists. Although Alex had met people since arriving in Mountain Ridge a few months earlier, he wasn’t exactly out on the town enjoying nice restaurants.

  “So you wrote those songs we heard last night?” Alex asked over dinner.

  “Yeah,” I replied sheepishly. It felt weird to talk about it. That was one of the reasons I wanted to just be a writer: I didn’t like the spotlight at all. “I was slumming around Nashville, networking with anyone who would listen. I met Chris one night in a bar. He was playing at some club and already had a decent following from an EP he’d already released. We kind of clicked and started writing together.” It felt strange to be explaining this in front of Sawyer, but I didn’t feel I had anything to hide. It had happened. There was no point in hiding it, especially if I had any intentions of moving forward with letting “Kip” use my songs. There was a chance we’d be working together on some level in the future.

  “Doesn’t he write his own?” Brie asked curiously.

  “Yeah, he did,” I explained. “And he had some good ones. But the record label that picked him up wanted to rebrand him or whatever. That’s why they changed his name and all that. They wanted to ‘country him up’ a bit. At the time I met him, he was working on new stuff, but it wasn’t all coming together. We started writing together, and it just worked. At first his label execs called my stuff—what was it?—‘sad and emotionally draining.’ That was a wake-up call. But, hey, I only write what I know,” I said with self-deprecating sarcasm. “As hard as that was to hear at the time, I learned something from it. I worked harder on my upbeat stuff, and that seemed to work better.”

  “That’s interesting,” Alex commented while ordering another round of drinks. “What happens next?”

  “Well, I’m supposed to meet with the label to go over contracts.” I shrugged. “It’s all surreal. This should be amazing news, but the fact that Kip will get all the credit for what I’ve done—as far as the real world is concerned anyway—that’s hard for me to swallow. Don’t get me wrong. I know that’s what I signed up for. I know that’s how the business works. But it’s just hard for me to place my hard work in the hands of such a dirtbag. I walked in on him cheating on me, and he acted like it was no big deal. Like I needed to just get over it because it happens to everyone.”

  “I love you, Whit, and you deserve so much better,” Brie stated matter-of-factly, as if going back to Chris was even an option I was contemplating. It definitely wasn’t. Sawyer remained quiet.

  “What do you think?” I asked for Sawyer’s opinion because it genuinely mattered to me.

  “I don’t think you should go back to Chris.” He shook his head. “I hope that’s off the table.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” I playfully slapped his arm. “I just don’t know how to deal with everything. I hate him, but he’s also my chance at becoming successful. At least at the moment. Maybe that will change if I keep at it, but what if this is my only chance? How do I pass that up? At the same time, I feel like I’m compromising a bit of myself to give him my songs and just carry on like what he did is no big deal.”

  “He totally needs to suffer,” Brie said as loyally as any best friend would.

  “I’m comfortable with that,” Sawyer quickly added.

  The waitress brought our food order, and we changed our topic of conversation. We talked about Alex and his plans for his remaining time in the United States, and Sawyer gave a rough overview of his plans back in Nashville: finishing his residency then eventually moving to his grandparents’ cabin to work for the small family clinic in that town. The way he had his life put together and organized was inspiring. I could never figure out how some people had that gift and some people didn’t. Some people in their forties were still stumbling through life, trying to figure out what made them happy. Then of course there was my group of people—those who know what they want but spend decades fighting for it, whether or not it comes to fruition. People like Sawyer, the ones who don’t deviate from their plans, who become everything they set out to be, fascinated me. It never felt like a choice to me; instead it’s like life dictates which one of those types of people we’ll be, and that’s it. That’s our lot.

  After dinner we went to the beach for a bonfire on behalf of an old friend. Brie was forcing me to attend. It was an informal engagement party for an old high school friend of ours, Nathan Richards. I didn’t want to go at first, but it wasn’t worth the fight. I knew Wes would be there, but we’d already gotten out everything we needed to say to each other, so that took some pressure off. As for seeing a bunch of other people I went to high school with, I wasn’t thrilled about it, but Brie promised we could just make an appearance and ditch out a short time later.

  Sure enough, many familiar faces greeted us as we made toward the group of people on the beach. It was a perfect, cool summer night. Once the sun went down in Mountain Ridge, the temperature always dropped quite a bit from the daytime high, but it was perfect for a bonfire. Brie and I introduced Alex and Sawyer to the people we spoke to, and thankfully the party was a lot more laid-back than I’d anticipated.

  “So, Whit, I had no idea how successful you are. That’s amazing,” a girl named Paige said excitedly once she made eye contact with us. We had been casual acquaintances in high school, but I certainly didn’t know her well. “I was at Kip Bentley’s show last night. I had no idea you were writing his songs!”

  I wasn’t sure how she knew about it. “What’s the deal with you two?” a girl named Amanda chimed in. “Chrissy Watson said she saw a pic online of you two at some swanky awards thing. He was so sweet, talking about you last night at the show,” she gushed.

  “Huh?” I replied, a bit confused. I didn’t think anyone had picked up on the connection. “I mean, we were dating a little while back, but not anymore.” I glanced over at Sawyer, unsure of what else to say. Was I supposed to introduce him as my boyfriend? This was always the awkward stage of a relationship for me—the whole “title” thing. Obviously Sawyer was significant to me, but in the grand scheme of things we hadn’t really spent a lot of time together. I felt close to him, sure, but it was still so new.

  “Weren’t you there at the end of the show? When Kip told everyone how thankful he was for you and your talent? He was going on and on about you. It was the sweetest thing,” Paige said with animated arms. “I’d heard you were out in Nashville, but I had no idea you were actually living the dream. I am so jealous of you.”

  I smiled at her, feeling uncomfortable about the entire conversation. Ironically this was exactly what I’d wished for—for everyone from my past to hear only the good side of things. I wanted them all to think I’d run away and become something, simply because that’s what I’d said I was going to do. Anything short of that made me feel like a failure. It also felt somewhat dishonest for anyone to think I’d “made it” when I still hadn’t accomplished much. I was still treading water. But like I had been doing for the past three years, I just smiled, let them believe the version of the story they already had in their heads, and moved on to something else. Maybe it was misleading, dishonest, or mendacious, but it was the only thing keeping me together. The “idea” that I had achieved anything was more important to my spirit than the depths of how truthful it was.

  We continued to make small talk with other people from my past, and Sawyer hung in there pretty well. Brie and I walked away from him and Alex for just a moment to get some drinks, and I swear within seconds, I saw Wes make his way over to Sawyer for conversation. My entire body felt nervous.

  “Brie, nothing good can come from that conversation,” I said with a frustrated tone.

  “I’m sure they’re fine.” Brie shrugged it off. She filled her plastic cup with beer, which was a rarity. Usually it was
either vodka or water for her.

  “Wes kissed me last night,” I admitted, mortified I’d even said it out loud. She spat out her first sip.

  “What? How did you not tell me this?” She freaked out. “Whit, what is going on?”

  “It was an accident,” I tried to explain, but she didn’t look like she was buying it. “I mean, not an accident. Wes meant it to happen, and I stopped him. I swear. But it still happened.”

  “And Sawyer knows nothing about it?”

  “Of course not. It didn’t seem relevant,” I huffed. “Wes wasn’t trying to be malicious. It’s not like he knows my relationship status with Sawyer. We were just talking about the past, and I think he got a little caught up in the conversation. It was awkward for a second, but then it wasn’t, so it’s no big deal. I didn’t do anything wrong. Why am I rambling like I’m guilty of something?”

  “Oh, Whit, this is not good.” She shook her head. “They’re both looking over here.”

  “What should I do?” I asked a little too loudly.

  “I saw this on The Bachelor,” she began, sounding like she had all the answers.

  “Brie, please don’t bring your obsession with reality TV into this. This is real life.” I groaned. “It wasn’t anything dishonest. But Sawyer and I . . . this is all new. Ugh.” I groaned again. “This is why I want nothing to do with coming home. I just need to get back to Nashville, where I don’t know anyone and I can live in peace.”

  “Except your celebrity ex-boyfriend, who the entire world is going to know about with his next album? The one who gushed about you to a big crowd last night? Sounds like a good secretive life,” she joked.

  “You’re not helping.”

  “That’s what friends are for. Look, I know you don’t want to be here tonight. Alex and I are fine. Why don’t you guys take off? You know, sort it all out. Talk about what you’re actually doing together.”

  “That sounds like a good idea,” I agreed. I set down my cup and gave her a quick hug goodbye before walking over to the guys.