Beautiful Together

by Andrea Wolfe

  After our moment on the floor, we had gone out to breakfast together, both of us drinking a lot more coffee than we ate food. It was good, but eating was tough.

  I wanted to talk to Jesse as much as possible, about absolutely anything in the world. The subject didn't matter, only that it was talking. Communicating. Together.

  But I couldn't do that if I was chewing and swallowing.

  The toughest part was that we still didn't know what we were doing. I still didn't know if I should be applying to schools in Boston for fear that I might wind up miserable and disappointed because Jesse would be so tied up with work that we'd never get to see each other.

  And if I moved all that way for him, I would definitely want to see him. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it otherwise.

  But I didn't want to bring it up because Jesse was right—we needed to savor the good moments we actually had, not fret about the uncertain future. So there was an elephant in the room the whole morning, but not a normal sized elephant. No, this was a gargantuan elephant.

  And it was crushing me.

  Morning became afternoon, and not long after, we went to the bus stop. The day was sunny and chilly, a clear reminder that winter was on the way.

  Jesse hugged me tightly. The bus was now in sight, but it still had several stop lights before it actually arrived, and traffic was heavy. A large group of people were standing around with random pieces of luggage, waiting just like us.

  He held his mouth close to my ear. "Naomi, everything will be fine, I promise." Tiny gusts of icy wind blew his hair up and back, the individual strands moving like they were alive.

  "But how do you know that, Jesse?" I chided, pulling away. "You can say that, but can you really know it?"

  "It will be fine," he said firmly. "I'm going to do everything in my power to make it work."

  "But what about you being super busy? And maybe never being around? You can't change that stuff. This is your... dream."

  "I'm too realistic," he said, almost like he was scolding me. "I'm going to be busy. I'm going to be flying to events, doing presentations, selling our app. But I want you, Naomi. I want you more than anything. And I'll make it work. You're... a part of my dream. Seriously."

  I felt the tears staining my cheeks like droplets of cold acid. "I just want things to be good."

  Jesse kissed my cheek. "They will be. I promise."

  My heart screamed How the hell can you know that? but I kept my lips sealed. I felt ridiculous. "Yeah," I finally said. "I don't wanna leave."

  "I don't want you to leave either," he said, kissing me again. "Just hang in there," he said quietly. "I know that sounds stupid, but I mean it. Things will work out."

  "Okay." I stared at him like I had become a statue, my stone eyes permanently affixed to his beauty—as long as he didn't move. The bus rushed in front of us and came to a stop, the gust of warm air blowing my hair back.

  But I barely noticed.

  "That's your bus," Jesse said awkwardly.

  "Yeah." The tears spilled down my face like a valve had busted open. Silence roared around us.

  "Don't cry, Naomi. We waited this long. Everything will be fine." He kissed me firmly, and I kissed him back. "I love you," he said.

  "I love you, too." Again and again I kissed him, forgetting about the world, ignoring everything except Jesse Evans.

  "If one of you has a ticket for this bus, you'd better get on here within the next minute or I'm leaving without you." The shout came from behind us. A very stocky and very bald bus driver was angrily pointing at a list on a clipboard. Everyone else had already boarded.

  Necessity tugged at me. If I didn't move quickly, I might lose myself again and miss my ride home. "Okay, I guess have to go."

  "Text me when you get back, okay? And call me soon."

  "I will," I said, nodding obediently. "Don't work too hard."

  We kissed once more, and then I pulled away, throwing my bag under the bus and hopping on board.

  I didn't look back.

  Because I couldn't.

  33

  Two Weeks Later...

  I was definitely freaking out.

  My period should have come a week earlier, but it hadn't. Normally that wouldn't matter at all since I was habitually celibate for so long.

  However, circumstances were very different this time. I had bottled up my fear since it first surfaced, but I realized I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't do something about it. Yes, I was on birth control, but I knew that didn't guarantee one-hundred percent prevention.

  Jesse and I hadn't been able to speak all that much and I was certain that the time apart was seriously feeding into my paranoia. It's not that we didn't speak at all—and when we did talk, it was definitely meaningful—but it was too infrequent, and it was still too soon to know anything definitive.

  It didn't help his whole I promise to make it work plan that he was almost too busy to talk, but I was doing my best not to hastily judge the situation.

  Big things were happening for him, big things I couldn't get in the way of. He and the other co-founders of Dolphin were preparing for a really serious trip to Silicon Valley, and they were stressed as hell about it.

  That made it even worse, because the last thing Jesse needed right now was a pregnancy scare.

  Hi, that's great to hear about Dolphin! Well, I hope you start making money soon, because surprise, you're gonna be a daddy! I hope that's cool with you.

  On top of all of that, Black Friday had been nightmarishly busy, the longest day I had ever worked in my life. Vijay wanted to compete with all of the major retailers so we had opened at five in the morning—and tons of people actually showed up.

  I didn't leave until seven that night. I still hadn't totally recovered.

  It was just too much for me to handle. Not only did I feel like I was in some kind of relationship purgatory, there was now a chance that I was pregnant. I kept looking things up on the internet, constantly overwhelming my brain with the ridiculous possibilities.

  Your period is just late, I kept telling myself. You're stressed out and that's exactly why.

  I should have immediately gone to Arielle for advice, but I didn't, feeling embarrassed and stupid and wanting to actually deal with something on my own. I mean, I had chosen to have sex without condoms. I had allowed it to happen. Many times. But now, I couldn't handle the consequences of my decision.

  I wanted to go back to school and finally start my life. A real beginning. I was finally ready to be responsible and ambitious for once. I couldn't deal with a pregnancy now, no way.

  And so that meant I'd have to get an...

  I didn't even want to think the word.

  A few nights after the serious paranoia began—and one night into Jesse's Silicon Valley trip—I called him. I called him with the intent of telling him what was up, holding nothing back because I needed to tell someone. I needed release, and I needed him. My dark emotions were spiraling around inside my body like a black hole, sucking up every single possibility for happiness.

  "Jesse?" I mumbled after he picked up.

  "Hey, Naomi, you're not gonna believe what's up."

  Immediately, I felt my heart sink. Even though it was likely to be good news, I knew it would be like conversational quicksand.

  "This quirky billionaire programmer guy is going to make an offer to buy a share of the company tomorrow. Like a big investment. Much larger than the firm in London. And then he's gonna help us develop and sell the idea. Can you believe this shit? They see actual potential in our product!"

  I felt a spark of joy surface inside of me, but the blackness smothered it before it became an actual fire. "That's... great," I said half-heartedly.

  "I know!" he added, like he hadn't noticed my lack of enthusiasm at all. "I just can't believe—" He stopped abruptly. "Naomi, is everything all right there?"

  I felt defiance flare up inside of me, suddenly, without warning. "Jesse, I'm sick of hearing abou
t you, you, you all the time. It's always about the company and the future and some weird billionaire and how big you're gonna be. What about us? Don't you care about me?" Tears welled up in my eyes.

  "Naomi, what the hell are you talking about?" He sounded completely taken aback. "This is just... well, it's actually huge. I can't even believe it. I mean, I had no idea all of this was going to happen right now. It's been like two weeks since you were here and I haven't even had a free moment to think. It's... nuts."

  "Well, maybe your priorities are in the wrong place," I scolded. "If I really mattered as much as you said, you would... you'd, well..." I trailed off and took a sip of my water. I considered actually telling him about the missed period, but my throat tightened as soon as I tried to speak, choking off the words.

  "Naomi, what's upsetting you?" he asked. "Something is wrong. Just tell me. Tell me anything. I can take it. I love you."

  "It's nothing," I said curtly. "I think I just need a little break from this. I can't handle the uncertainty right now."

  His voice filled with desperation. "Naomi, I'll be back soon. And then we'll meet up again. Things are about to change for the better. This is huge. I really mean it. And I want you in my life, I want you to be a part of—"

  "I just need to go," I said, tears blurring my vision. "I hope everything goes well."

  "Naomi," he said firmly.

  I hung up the phone. And when he called right back, I didn't answer. And ten minutes later, when he called again, I still didn't answer.

  I stared at the wall and sobbed my brains out.

  ***

  I sluggishly crawled through the next three days, ignoring Jesse's daily attempts to reach me, and hiding my fears from everyone. I called in sick twice and never left my room, except to use the bathroom. I told Vijay that I got a bad cold after working so hard on Black Friday, and he told me to feel better.

  I told the same thing to Arielle and Elise.

  The first day, Jesse called five times. Then three the next. Then only two. I didn't listen to the voicemails, because I was afraid of what he might say.

  I was just scared. And stupid. I felt totally ashamed about how I had spoken to him on the phone and I didn't know what to say. Without him, I felt too weak to do anything.

  That third night, after some serious internal deliberation that led me to believe I should actually be interacting with other people, I hung out with Arielle in the living room, doing nothing, filling the air with mindless conversation. She was on her laptop, trusty bong at her side. Conflict raged inside my brain no matter what I discussed externally.

  And I couldn't keep it buried any longer.

  "Are you feeling better?" she asked. "I hope I don't catch what you had."

  "It's not the flu," I said. "I just haven't felt very good. Generally."

  "Oh," she said. "You know, I haven't had a cigarette in like a week," she added out of nowhere. "I actually feel better than ever."

  "Arielle," I said softly, "I mean, that's awesome. But... I think I might be pregnant." The words invoked so many images in my brain, most of them horrifying.

  "Oh, shit. Sorry. So that's why you've been hiding in your room. Did you use protection?" She raised an eyebrow.

  I shook my head no. "But I'm on birth control."

  "Then what's the worry?"

  "My period is late. Like over a week late. Can't that stuff still fail? With my luck, I'll be the one woman out of a million who actually gets pregnant."

  She frowned. "Don't say that. It's like beyond ninety-nine percent effective. Don't panic. Stress never helps these situations. It can cause abnormalities in your cycle. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, only you don't actually wind up pregnant. But you still freak out like you are."

  "Yeah," I said. "I guess."

  "Did you tell him? Did he get mad or something?"

  I shook my head. "No, I didn't. I tried to, but I got overly emotional and acted like a total bitch. I've been too embarrassed to answer his calls. He's on a super big Silicon Valley trip, and I'm probably freaking him out."

  "Well, good. I mean, not all the other stuff, but about you not telling him until it's for sure. Guys can really freak out about this stuff too, and it could wind up being over nothing."

  I understood her point, but I still felt incompetent.

  "But you need to go buy a pregnancy test. Right now. It's not perfect, but it might be enough to get you out of this rut. You need to deal with one thing at a time here."

  I nodded. Duh. Pregnancy test. Why hadn't I done that sooner? "Yeah, okay. But I'm gonna be totally freaking out when I'm peeing on that thing."

  "Do you need me to go with you? And pee with you?" She giggled sarcastically.

  I groaned as I stood up. "That won't be necessary. I would like you to come along, but I also feel like I need to do this on my own. And I can handle the peeing part, too." I smiled at her.

  "Okay," she said. "Well, I'm also pretty stoned, so..."

  "So you want pizza? Is that what you're getting at?"

  She smiled devilishly. "Yes, please. You read my mind." She pulled out a handful of money from her pocket and tossed the wad on the table. "Just take what you need. Get yourself something nice on me. Like a pregnancy kit."

  I rolled my eyes and grabbed a twenty, then put on my coat and headed out into the dreary evening.

  There was a CVS about two blocks away, so I headed straight there, not slowing down until I was passing through the automatic doors. When I got inside, I followed the signs until I found the family planning section and then power-walked straight toward it like a homing missile locked on a target.

  But then I panicked. It hit me hard. The whole experience felt so icky, like such a massive oversight on my part. How could I be so irresponsible?

  How could I ever allow myself to get into such a stupid situation?

  I veered right, straight into the candy aisle, staring at the bags of mints and chocolates and fun-size candy bars. After a minute or two of mindless staring, I finally convinced myself that I needed to get this over with, like yanking off a band-aid. I took a deep breath and headed toward my destination.

  As I rounded the corner to enter the aisle, a male, college-aged employee was right in my face. "Can I help you find anything, ma'am?"

  I was completely startled, already feeling like a pariah as I headed into that unholy area. I blushed. "No, thank you."

  He nodded and went on his way, lugging along a big cardboard box full of Christmas decorations.

  I pushed onward, walking past the condoms and lubricants and finally found the test kits. I grabbed the one that looked like it was the best quality—well, it was the most expensive one—and then I headed back to the front.

  But I froze again. I didn't want my only purchase to be a pregnancy test. That seemed too conspicuous. Nervously, I scanned the shelves of discounted items until I found a coconut oil moisturizer for two dollars. I snatched it up and carried my two totally unrelated items to the front.

  I laid the pregnancy test face down, the barcode facing up so that the clerk didn't have to see what it was. But she probably knew exactly what it was, and it felt like her tired eyes were silently judging me the whole time.

  There was nothing else I could do.

  Even though things were actually better than ever, my life felt like a mess once again, a jagged, twisted mess of barbed wire that I somehow had to safely climb through while being chased.

  After everything was bagged, I paid and got the hell out of there. I passed by a woman on the street who was cradling her adorable baby daughter and kissing her rosy-red cheeks. I felt both joy and terror.

  That could be me in a year.

  In my rush to escape, I almost forgot the pizza. But the smell as I passed the restaurant abruptly reminded me of my duty.

  I got three slices of pepperoni pizza and kept moving. My heart pounded in my chest, the fact that I might be pregnant taunting me over and over again like a hyperactive playground bully.
There was no way I could handle being pregnant right now, no way.

  The universe was playing a cruel trick on me.

  I had to know. Nothing else mattered.

  Back in the apartment, I tossed the pizza and change in front of Arielle.

  "You're a godsend," she said, but I ignored her.

  I carried the bag into the bathroom and shut and locked the door. I ripped open the package, fumbling with the plastic tester in my hands while I struggled to make sense of the instructions. A plus if I'm pregnant, a minus if I'm not. Easy, simple. I stared at the shapes until they were burned into my retinas.

  My heart raced as I held the tester in place. It felt like nothing in my life had ever mattered before that moment, even though I had definitely been through some very serious experiences. Three minutes later, I finally looked.

  I almost fainted—it was a plus. I couldn't look again. I threw the tester down on the floor and left it there.

  No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening.

  I felt my head spiraling, like someone had injected a gallon of pure alcohol straight into my bloodstream. "Oh, shit. Oh, shit." I pulled up my panties and jeans and rushed out of the bathroom, almost tripping as I ran down the hall.

  "Arielle!" I shouted.

  She looked startled, but that didn't stop her from stuffing her face with pizza. "What is it?"

  "I'm pregnant! It says I'm pregnant! What the hell do I do? I fucked up! My life is over! How can I ever go to college now?"

  She let the folded slice of pizza unfold back onto her plate. "Shit. First of all, don't panic. Keep in mind, an abortion isn't that big of a deal. I mean, I know a lot of people who have had one. Don't blow this out of proportion, Naomi."

  Her words felt like sandpaper against my skin. "No! I don't want an abortion. It's too traumatic."

  "So what do you want then?"

  "I don't know," I snapped automatically, almost helplessly.

  Arielle surveyed me carefully. "Are you sure about this, Naomi? You're sure the test said that?"