The Ho Ho Ho Mystery

by Bob Burke

  I burst through a fire door at the end of the corridor and heard them disappear up the stairs in front of me. Stairs; good, that would slow them down a bit. Above me I could hear scuffling as their cargo finally began to weigh heavily on them. I knew I’d never be able to take them on all on my own, but if Jack had managed to deliver his message, well then things might just work out after all.

  I’d like to say I raced up the stairs after Kohl, but I’d be lying, or exaggerating at the very least. I was still winded after Mrs C had landed on me and I was also being extra careful to avoid being jumped on by any – or all – of the Fiddlers Three. This meant that by the time I got to the top of the stairs and out on to the roof of the Cauldron, I was just in time to hear the screaming noise I’d become oh so familiar with recently as Kohl and the boys took off in their private jet sleigh, waving rudely out of the window at me and leaving me standing on the roof watching as they disappeared into the darkening sky.

  Or so they thought.

  They had barely disappeared from view when I heard a voice from above. ‘Harry, are you OK?’

  A magic carpet flew down and hovered beside me, Jack peering down over the edge.

  ‘I’m fine, Jack,’ I replied. ‘Now shift over and give me some room.’ I climbed on to the carpet and nodded at Ali Baba. ‘You got my message then?’

  ‘Your man was most persuasive.’ He waved at the sky. ‘Are those the people who framed me for the robbery?’

  ‘They most certainly are, but I haven’t really time to explain right now.’ I fastened the Velcro strip I’d been handed onto my behind and made sure I was stuck to the carpet. I pointed in the direction the jet sleigh had taken. ‘I’ve always wanted to say this: follow that sleigh.’

  Instantly the magic carpet lurched forward and we were about to ascend when there was a shout from below. ‘Wait for us.’ Basili and Mrs C had finally made their way to the roof, just in time to slow us down.

  ‘Do we wait for them?’ asked Ali Baba, looking down at them doubtfully.

  ‘We don’t have a choice, I think,’ I said. ‘It’s her husband who’s behind all this, so the least we can do is take her with us.’

  ‘Very well,’ sighed Ali Baba and indicated for the carpet to stop. Seconds later both Basili and Mrs C had scrambled aboard and the carpet dropped significantly in the air. ‘Not good,’ I heard Ali Baba mutter under his breath but at least he didn’t threaten to push them off again.

  Much more slowly this time, the magic carpet ascended into the evening sky and sped after the sleigh. I could just make it out ahead of us, flying back towards the city.

  ‘Quick, we need to catch them before they land,’ I shouted pointing at the sleigh.

  ‘That may be easier said than done,’ said Ali Baba as his driver tried to urge as much speed as he could out of his cloth vehicle.

  Slowly we began to pick up speed but I wasn’t sure it would be enough. The sleigh didn’t seem to be getting any closer.

  ‘We’re not going to catch them, are we?’ said a plaintive voice from beside me. ‘And it’s all my fault.’ Mrs C burst into tears once more.

  I tried to comfort her (I seemed to spend my time comforting her). ‘Don’t worry, Ali Baba is a very resourceful man. I’m sure he’s working on something even as I speak.’

  As if he could hear me from the back of the carpet, Ali Baba said, ‘We’re not going to catch them. I am sorry, Harry; we are just carrying too much weight.’ This provoked a new flood of tears from Mrs C, and it certainly wasn’t what I’d hoped he was going to say.

  ‘Perhaps I might be of some assistance,’ said a voice from somewhere on my left. As I was sitting on the leftmost edge of the magic carpet it was fair to say that this was something I hadn’t expected. As I looked around we were bathed in a bright red light and I looked straight into the eyes of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

  ‘What in the name of blazes are you doing here?’ I asked.

  ‘Clarissa thought I might be of help, so I got here as quickly as I could,’ he replied.

  ‘What, you think you might be able to pull us along, do you?’ I wasn’t sure exactly how this arrogant animal could be of any use whatsoever bearing in mind our last meeting so I didn’t want to waste my time on him.

  ‘Don’t be ludicrous, my dear pig. I see no point in pulling this particular craft.’ Rudolph was confirming my suspicions all the while but then, just when I figured all he was going to do was to give us vocal encouragement, he surprised me. ‘But I might be able to carry a passenger on my back.’

  ‘If you do, do you think you can catch them?’ I asked.

  ‘What do you think I do for a living every Christmas Eve? Of course I can catch them. Now are you going to hop on or not?’

  Was he talking to me? He was certainly looking at me. Why was it always me that got asked these questions? Was I really seen as some kind of superhero? Everyone on the magic carpet was looking at me too – most of them with ‘I’m glad I wasn’t asked’ expressions on their faces.

  With a resigned groan I peeled off the Velcro and stood up. ‘OK, Rudolph, I guess it’s up to you and me now. Get close to the carpet so I can climb on your back without falling off.’

  Rudolph taxied in and flew parallel to the carpet. Ever so carefully I stepped off the ornate material and on to Rudolph’s back. As I did so, he turned his head and whispered, ‘This never happened, is that clear? Under no circumstances should anyone ever find out I did this. It’s so humiliating.’

  Clinging tightly to his neck, I whispered back, ‘Heigh-ho, Rudolph, away.’

  16

  Get Behind Me Santa

  I‘ll give Rudolph credit for one thing: he was fast. In a matter of seconds he’d left the magic carpet far behind and was speeding over Grimmtown in hot pursuit of Kohl. I suppose speed was of the essence if you had to get around the world delivering presents over the course of one night, time being stopped or not. The drawback with this incredible burst of speed was that he had me on his back and I had nothing to hold on to by way of saddle or reins. It meant I had to get closer to Rudolph than I would have wished; wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and pressing my legs firmly against his body. With the wind threatening to drag me off and throw me away, trust me, I was clinging on with whatever bits of my body I could use. At least Rudolph smelled nice. I’d expected something mangy and pungent, but, considering how he’d been when I’d first met him, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he exuded a scent of aromatic oils and expensive cosmetics.

  Rudolph must have felt my panic – then again my legs were probably on the point of crushing his ribs so it wasn’t too hard to miss. ‘I don’t suppose you could relax a little? You’re not making this very easy for me,’ he asked.

  ‘Believe me, from where I’m sitting it’s not too much fun for me either, but don’t take it personally; it’s not like we’re engaged or anything.’

  All I got in return was an indignant snort, but I did try to relax my vice-like grip a little – but only a little. From where I sat, it was a long trip to the ground and there were no return tickets if I slipped off.

  Rudolph wove in and out through Grimmtown’s sky-scrapers like a supersonic bee in a flower garden, always keeping the sleigh in his sights. As far as I could make out we were beginning to gain on it – not that I spent too much time looking; mostly my head was buried in Rudolph’s neck.

  I leaned forward towards Rudolph’s head once more. ‘Are we there yet?’

  ‘We’re catching up. Whatever you’ve planned, be ready to do it shortly.’

  Now that we were getting closer I realised that I hadn’t really thought through what I was going to do next. Even if we did catch up with the sleigh, we were still hundreds of feet above the ground and lacking in certain key accessories: namely a parachute, a weapon of some sort, a way into the sleigh and, most importantly, a soft landing should things go wrong. Looked like once more I’d be making it up as I went along, only this time I couldn’t afford
to make any mistakes – at least not if I didn’t want to spend yet more time doing some unforced mid-air acrobatics.

  I took a quick glance ahead; we were slightly behind and just above Kohl’s sleigh. Rudolph had done fantastically well to catch up.

  From above there didn’t seem like there was any way into it – not that I suspected there’d be an easy way in regardless of what angle we approached it.

  ‘Take us down beside it,’ I ordered. ‘I need to take a closer look.’

  Rudolph obliged and flew parallel to the craft. There was a door in the side, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able – or even wanted – to try to do a mid-air reindeer to sleigh transfer and open that door from the outside. Scratch that. There was only one option left.

  ‘Let’s have a look at what’s underneath.’

  Seconds later we were looking up at the undercarriage This one was different from the others I’d seen in that it looked to have landing gear as opposed to skis.

  ‘That’s because it’s geared for urban flying rather than polar,’ Rudolph advised. ‘They’re becoming very popular with Grimmtown’s rich set.’

  ‘No doubt,’ I replied, scanning the underside of the craft carefully. Like all the other sides there didn’t seem to be any obvious entry point. The wheels nestled snugly against the surface and didn’t offer any way in – not that I was prepared to try that particular route; I wasn’t a slim pig and I don’t think I’d have managed to squeeze through. I didn’t even want to contemplate what would happen if the wheels suddenly came down while I was clambering over them. The beginnings of a plan were forming in my head, but I had to find a way in in order to make it work. If they managed to get back on to the ground I’d be sunk.

  I was just about to order Rudolph away from the sleigh and have a rethink when I saw a small handle nestling snugly against the sleigh’s underbelly. Urging Rudolph closer, I had a better look. It seemed to provide access to some sort of undercarriage maintenance area. If there was a way in, there just might be a way up into the sleigh proper.

  ‘I’m going to try to open that hatch,’ I told Rudolph. ‘Keep an eye on me when it swings out. The last thing I need right now is some freefall training.’

  Rudolph nodded and rose up against the hatch. I grabbed the handle, twisted it and pulled. The door swung down, revealing … well, um, a dark space actually. Without a torch I had no way of seeing what was in there. Oh well, why would this be any different from any other time?

  Now came the tricky bit. As carefully as I could, I pushed myself on to my knees and then stood on Rudolph’s back. ‘Whatever you do, don’t wobble or suddenly decide to fly away, OK?’ I told him. I slowly reached up, grabbed the edge of the hatch and, with Rudolph’s help, climbed into the darkness. ‘Do me a favour and stick your head in here,’ I shouted down to him. Seconds later, he poked his head in and the area was illuminated by a red light. Who needs a torch when you’ve a red-nosed reindeer?

  The maintenance area itself was small and just allowed a mechanic access to the landing gear. There wasn’t even room to stand up but once I was inside and crouching I saw another hatch in the roof above me. Figuring that this might open out into the sleigh proper, I cracked it open and peered through the narrow slit. I could hear laughing from the cabin above. Clearly Kohl and the boys figured they were home and hosed. All I could see through the crack were the band members’ feet – and they did have very nice shoes indeed – but I imagined the rest of the band were attached to them too, so jumping into the cabin and attempting a rescue was probably out of the question unless …

  I poked my head back down and called to Rudolph. ‘Count to twenty and then cause a diversion.’

  ‘Whatever do you mean? What kind of diversion? I’m Santa’s lead reindeer you know, not some sort of performing animal,’ a highly indignant Rudolph replied.

  ‘Well, if you want to hold on to that job then you need to do something to distract the people in this sleigh so I can rescue Santa. Do I make myself clear?’

  Rudolph nodded. ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Good, start counting now.’ Rudolph disappeared from view and began to count. I hoped he’d come up with something that would attract the attention of everyone in the sleigh otherwise it would the worst rescue in the history of bad rescues.

  Seventeen … eighteen … nineteen … twenty. I cracked open the hatch once more and waited. It wasn’t a long wait. I’d barely finished the count when I heard excited shouts from above.

  ‘Hey, what’s that flying in front of us?’ said a voice.

  ‘Dunno, it looks like a big dog,’ said another. I sincerely hoped Rudolph couldn’t hear; I wasn’t sure quite how his ego would take that remark.

  ‘Now what’s he doing?’ Whatever it was I hoped it was going to be good.

  ‘Hey, guys, come take at look at this.’

  This was followed by the sound of fading footsteps as what I hoped was every member of King Kohl and his Fiddlers Three charged up front for a look.

  I pushed up the hatch, clambered into the cabin and looked around. I was instantly drawn to the red shape slumped in the corner.

  Santa – and he was unguarded. I ran over to him and shook him. ‘Santa, wake up.’ There was no reaction. I slapped him gently on the face – still nothing.

  There was a shocked voice from the cockpit. ‘Oh no, he cannot be serious.’

  This was followed by, ‘There’s no way he’s going to do that.’

  ‘Oh my God, he is.’

  ‘That’s disgusting,’ and finally, ‘It’s going to hit, taking evasive action.’

  Then the plane lurched sideways. Wow, whatever Rudolph was doing, it was certainly working. All I had to do now was wake Santa up and I could put the last piece of my plan into action. The plane bucked wildly again and I was flung across the cabin. Seconds later a still unconscious Santa fell on top of me.

  Panic reigned in the cockpit. ‘I can’t see a thing; the whole window is covered in poo. It’s like tar. What did that dog have for lunch and how the hell are we going to get it off?’

  I pushed Santa off me and shook him once more. He mumbled something incomprehensible and slowly opened his eyes.

  ‘Aren’t you a little short to be a member of Fiddlers Three?’ he slurred.

  ‘I’m Harry Pigg and I’ve come to rescue you.’ ‘You’re who?’

  ‘I’m Harry Pigg,’ I repeated. ‘Your wife sent me. I’m here with Rudolph.’

  Comprehension began to register in Santa’s befuddled brain. ‘Rudolph, where is he?’

  ‘He’s outside, come on.’ I pulled Santa to his feet and draped his arm over my shoulder. Slowly I dragged him across to the hatch and, yes I’m ashamed to admit it, I just dropped him in. Seconds later, I fell in beside him and pulled the hatch shut.

  ‘Now what?’ asked Santa.

  ‘Now we wait for your pal to come back, which should be any second now.’

  No sooner had I spoken that we were immersed in a red glow once more. ‘Under no circumstances is anyone ever to know what I did to divert those people, understood?’ said a somewhat shamefaced Rudolph.

  ‘My lips are sealed,’ I said with a smirk. ‘Now,’ I turned to Santa, ‘how does this stopping time trick of yours work?’

  ‘You know about that?’ said Santa indignantly. ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘I’m a detective, it’s what I do,’ I said, and then as an afterthought, ‘trust me, your people didn’t tell me; I worked it out for myself.’

  Santa gave me a disbelieving look but, after a few seconds’ consideration, let it slide – at least for the moment. ‘Here’s how it works: you have to be touching me so you won’t be affected when everything stops then all I do is—’

  There was a pounding noise from above. Santa’s disappearance had been discovered. We didn’t have much time. I grabbed Santa by the hand and held on to Rudolph’s nose with my other trotter. The reindeer gave an indignant squeal. ‘Now would be a good time, Santa,’ I said, raising my
eyes to the commotion above. Santa nodded once to show he understood and closed his eyes.

  The hatch was ripped open and tuxedo bedecked arms stretched in, trying to grab us.

  ‘Right now would be even better,’ I squealed as hands scrabbled at my head.

  Almost immediately the noise from above stopped. Santa opened his eyes once more. ‘That’s it,’ he smiled.

  ‘That’s it?’ I said. ‘You just close your eyes and, hey presto, time stops?’

  ‘I’ve had hundreds of years of practice,’ Santa replied. ‘Mind you it’s not quite as easy as it looks. Now I really think we should be going.’

  ‘No argument from me.’ I hopped on to Rudolph’s back and helped Santa on in front of me. ‘I couldn’t agree more.’

  Seconds later we dropped out of the hatch and flew back in the direction of the City once more.

  It was an eerie sensation, flying through the night when everything around us had stopped dead still. Kohl’s sleigh hung suspended in the sky like a giant Christmas tree ornament and all around us everything was silent. Below, the lights of Grimmtown’s evening traffic were unmoving. The landscape looked like a giant version of Santa’s house.

  Once we were far enough away from the sleigh I said to Santa, ‘I think we’re OK now.’ There was a rush of air and suddenly we were surrounded by the noise of the traffic below, the wind whistling around our faces and the distant screaming of Kohl’s jet sleigh as it staggered through the sky while the passengers tried to figure out some way of clearing the poo from the cockpit windows before it crashed – and no doubt trying to figure out exactly where we’d disappeared to.

  ‘Not long now,’ I shouted at Santa, trying to make myself heard over the buffeting wind.

  Santa turned back to reply and was about to say something when his face dropped. ‘I’m not so sure about that,’ he said pointing back over my shoulder, concern visible on his face. I swung around and saw Kohl’s jet sleigh bearing down on us. Through a smeared windscreen I could see the pilot grinning as the aircraft rapidly closed the distance between us.