Kingdom's Dream

by Iris Gower

  ‘I’m sure. But don’t underestimate your wife, Dafydd. If you do, you will be doing her a grave injustice.’

  ‘I love Jayne . . . in my own way,’ he said lamely. He took up his glass as if to make a barrier between himself and Llinos. ‘She’s a fine girl and one day she’ll bear me fine sons.’ He looked at her sharply. ‘I will always love Sion, have no fear of that.’

  ‘You don’t know how insensitive you are, do you, Dafydd? What about poor Shanni and Pedr? How are they going to sort out the mess you’ve made for them?’

  ‘I was a fool, I admit it.’

  ‘And that makes everything right, does it? For goodness’ sake, go home, Dafydd! In future, try to let your head rule your urges. You’ve changed, you know. You were honourable once, when you wanted me to go away with you. Now you have a fling with a girl just for the fun of it! Isn’t it time you grew up?’

  ‘I was wrong to bed Shanni Morgan, but I don’t see what I can do about it now. Is she going to tell her husband the truth?’

  ‘How do I know? But instead of worrying about yourself I suggest you talk to Shanni, see if there is anything you can do to help her.’

  ‘If Jayne finds out it will be the end of our marriage.’ He put down his glass and moved to the door. ‘Shanni hasn’t come into work this morning. I’d better go up to her house.’

  Llinos saw what he intended to do. He would not offer comfort to Shanni but beg or bribe her to keep quiet about what had happened. She took a deep breath. ‘You disappoint me, Dafydd. All your principles have fallen by the wayside. At least now I am free of you for you are not the man I believed you to be.’

  ‘And you are so perfect?’ he said. ‘I didn’t force you to come to my bed, did I? What does that say about you, Llinos?’

  He left as abruptly as he had arrived and Llinos watched him ride away. She felt relief that he no longer had the power to make her want him, but it was mixed with a lingering disappointment that the man she once loved had feet of clay.

  Shanni had not slept again that night for the pains in her stomach had grown fierce, and by the time the dawn light was creeping through the window she thought she was going to die. She had kept quiet, pretending to be asleep as Pedr got ready for work. She usually made him breakfast but this morning he cooked it himself.

  When she heard the door close behind him, she feared that she would die there alone – but she had brought the trouble upon herself and knew she must deal with it. After a while she tried to get out of bed but the pain drove her back, and she fell against the pillows sweating. After that she drifted in and out of a strange sleep in which nothing was real but the pain.

  She was almost unconscious when the urge to bear down roused her. She turned over on her back and, crying, pushed with all her strength. She felt the blood gush from her and then came blessed relief from pain.

  Cautiously she lifted the sheet and there lay a pathetically tiny scrap, so still, so beautiful. This was her baby and she had killed it. The blow to her was worse than Shanni had ever imagined. Until now, the thing inside her had been a mistake, something to be rid of as quickly as possible.

  She realized that she must clear up before Pedr came home and tried to rise, but she was so weak and the blood was still flowing. She felt as if she was fading away, that all she wanted to do was sleep.

  She became aware that someone was in the room. She opened her eyes and saw Dafydd bending over her. ‘Shanni, what have you done?’ His face was white.

  ‘The baby is gone,’ she said. ‘It had to go – it was yours, not Pedr’s. There was nothing else I could do.’ Her voice was thin and threadlike, and Dafydd took her hand.

  ‘You are ill, Shanni, you need help.’

  She forced her eyes open. ‘You would let me die to protect your good name, would you, Dafydd?’ she whispered.

  ‘Of course not, but by the time I find a doctor it might be too late. Is there a midwife round here?’

  ‘Fetch Mrs Keen from Fennel Court,’ Shanni said. ‘She’ll know what to do.’ She felt the darkness close in on her again and gave herself up to it gratefully.

  When she opened her eyes again it was to feel a cold cloth around her belly. Mrs Keen was there, sleeves rolled up, her expression sober. ‘I’ve cleaned everything away,’ she said quietly, ‘and I’ve just about stopped the bleeding.’

  Shanni tried to focus her attention on Mrs Keen but she just wanted to drift away again into oblivion. She could hear Dafydd talking to the old woman, trying to explain that he was a concerned employer and had dropped by to see Mrs Morgan just by chance.

  ‘Good chance for her, poor wee girl,’ Mrs Keen said. ‘She’d be dead by now if I hadn’t been called. Freezing water stops the flow, see, sir? Without my help, she’d be a goner.’

  Shanni heard the chink of coins changing hands and then heard Dafydd saying he’d best be leaving.

  ‘Go on you, sir,’ Mrs Keen sounded more cheerful now she had the money in her pocket. ‘I’ll stay till her old man gets home from work. She’ll be all right now, sir. You just leave her to me.’

  Shanni was so very tired, all she needed was to sleep. She felt her eyes grow heavy and then she drifted off into a sleep with no pain and no bad dreams. It seemed, for now at least, that her ordeal was over.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Katie was tired: she had got through the last few days by working until she fell asleep. Eventually, Mr Morton-Edwards had told her she was looking peaky and needed to rest. She lay in bed now in her small room at the top of the house, trying to sort out her feelings. Her problems had to be faced and now was as good a time as any.

  She allowed herself to think of Rhiannon, Bull’s woman. She could still see her pale face, hear her begging Katie not to take Bull away from her.

  Katie turned over restlessly. How could Bull have kept this from her? He had a woman, almost a wife, and had not even thought to mention it! That could only mean he didn’t love her enough to give up his old way of life.

  At last she slid out of bed and washed in the cold water from the jug on the washstand. The kitchenmaid would have been up an hour ago lighting fires and boiling water for the rest of the household to wash in comfort. She could see why Rhiannon thought she was living a life of ease.

  When Katie went downstairs the kitchen was warm and welcoming and she stood by the fire holding out her hands to the blaze. ‘Morning, Cook. A cup of tea in the pot, is there?’

  ‘Aye, sit you down, Katie, and let me tell you the gossip. You went to bed early so I didn’t have a chance to talk to you last night.’

  ‘What gossip?’ Katie was not really interested in Cook’s stories but the old woman was kind enough and it did no harm to listen.

  ‘That Shanni Morgan’s had something terrible happen. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she?’

  ‘Well, yes, I suppose she is. What’s wrong, then? Is she sick or something?’

  ‘She’s lost her little babba. A miscarriage, it was, and a bad one at that.’ She leaned across the table. ‘It’s being said she got help from old Ma Keen to slip the poor innocent child so she’s only got herself to blame if she’s had to suffer.’

  ‘That’s awful!’ Katie was shocked. ‘I’m sure Shanni wouldn’t want to get rid of a baby. She’s married to a lovely man. Why would she do such a thing?’

  ‘Well, keep this to yourself but from what I heard Mr Dafydd Buchan was mixed up in it. It was him what got old Mrs Keen to take care of her.’

  ‘But surely Mr Buchan was just being kind? Shanni works for him.’

  ‘That’s as maybe but I got my doubts. That Mr Buchan’s no angel. Didn’t he give Mrs Mainwaring a child and her a married woman? A real rake is that Mr Buchan. I got no time for him myself.’

  ‘Well, it’s terrible news. I’d better try to see Shanni and find out how she is. Perhaps I can take her some pudding or something, Cook?’

  ‘Aye, you can that, love, the master’s told you to take some time off, hasn’t he?’ She stared c
losely at Katie. ‘Nothing wrong with you, is there? You got no babba on the way, have you?’

  ‘Of course not!’ Katie said indignantly. ‘I wouldn’t let Bull or any other man take liberties with me.’

  ‘I didn’t think you would but I had to ask, mind. Right, I’ve got some cold meat pie in the larder and I’ll do a nice egg tart – set the girl up a treat, that will.’

  ‘Thank you, Cook. I’m sure Shanni will be very grateful.’

  ‘Well, you slip off this morning, if you like,’ Cook said, smiling. ‘You can let us know the truth of it all when you come back.’ She was a devil for gossip but Katie knew she had a good heart.

  ‘Now, Katie, get some bacon and eggs down you, girl. You’re thin as a sparrow and looking a bit sickly these last few days. It’s that Bull Beynon, isn’t it? You’re grieving over the man. Look, forget about that woman he’s living with. I’ve told you, she means nothing to him.’

  ‘I’m all right, just a bit tired that’s all.’ Katie didn’t want to talk about Bull or Rhiannon. The very thought of them together made her feel ill.

  A little while later the pale sun of early spring was shining as Katie left the house. She was glad she was going out visiting because then she couldn’t dwell on Bull.

  When she reached Shanni’s little house, the front door was closed and Katie knocked softly. ‘Shanni, it’s me, Katie Cullen. I’ve come to see how you are.’

  Pedr appeared in the doorway, his usually ruddy face pale. ‘Come in, Katie. My little wife could do with some cheering up, see.’

  ‘Here we are, Pedr.’ Katie handed him the basket Cook had prepared. ‘There’s some cold meat pie, some ham and a nice custard tart. Perhaps Shanni will be able to eat a little bit of it.’

  Pedr’s eyes misted with tears. ‘Everyone is so good to us. Tell the cook thank you for me.’

  ‘I will,’ Katie said, and laid a hand on his arm. ‘Try not to worry. Shanni’s young and strong, she’ll be all right.’

  Shanni was lying in bed, propped against the pillows. She was pale and there were huge dark shadows under her eyes, but she smiled when she saw Katie. ‘There’s nice of you to call. Sit down, Katie, and tell me what’s been happening outside in the big bad world. Gossiping about me, are they?’

  ‘I think folks are sorry for you, Shanni. They’ve heard you lost your little baby, that’s all.’

  Pedr came and stood by the bed. ‘No one is gossiping, love,’ he said. ‘We didn’t know there was a babba on the way, did we?’ He looked at Katie. ‘Shanni thought she had a bad stomach.’

  ‘Go and make a cup of tea, love,’ Shanni said. ‘Me and Katie want to talk woman-talk.’

  When Pedr had gone Katie asked, ‘How are you really feeling?’

  ‘I’ve got to talk to someone, Katie, or I’ll go mad. I got rid of my baby. I’m so wicked, I don’t deserve a man like Pedr.’

  Katie was astounded. ‘But why, Shanni? Didn’t you want a baby?’

  ‘Not now, not this way.’

  Pedr came clomping up the stairs and Shanni put her finger to her lips.

  ‘There, love, a nice cup of tea and a bit of custard tart. Try and eat a little bit, just to please me.’

  ‘Go away, love.’ Shanni flapped her hands at him.

  When he’d gone she sighed heavily. ‘I’m aching all over and my conscience is driving me crazy. I keep seeing it, a perfect little child lying there on the sheet, and I can’t bear it.’ Tears ran down her cheeks. ‘It’s my fault, Katie, it’s all my fault.’

  ‘No, love, don’t think like that. It wasn’t your fault, whatever you say, because these things happen to lots of women. The old wives say that if you lose a baby there was something wrong with it, so it might be all for the best.’

  ‘But you don’t understand, Katie. I did it on purpose. I took some stuff Mrs Keen gave me – I wanted to lose the baby.’

  Katie took a deep breath. ‘But why, Shanni?’

  Shanni lowered her voice. ‘The baby wasn’t Pedr’s.’

  ‘Oh, you poor thing!’ Katie took Shanni’s hand and held it tightly. ‘What happened? Were you attacked by one of the navvies?’

  ‘No. I gave in to temptation. I’m such a fool but I thought I—’ She took a deep breath. ‘Oh, there’s no excuse for what I’ve done and I’ll never forgive myself.’

  ‘You needn’t say any more, Shanni. What’s happened is your business and no one else need know about it.’

  ‘Just let me talk, Katie.’ Shanni fell back against the pillows, tears still streaming down her cheeks. ‘I’ve got to tell someone and I know I can trust you.’ She looked into her friend’s eyes. ‘I went with Dafydd Buchan when we were alone in the office one night. I’d always thought I loved him but I know that’s no excuse.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Shanni, I really am, but don’t go putting all the blame on yourself now. Dafydd Buchan is a grown man with a wife, and he should have known better than to take advantage of you.’

  Shanni sighed heavily. ‘Once we had . . . well, done it, I knew I didn’t love him. I never loved him. The man I truly love is my wonderful Pedr. Oh, Katie, Pedr is such a good person and he loves me so much. How can I live a lie for the rest of my life?’ She looked at Katie beseechingly. ‘Should I tell him the truth, do you think?’

  Katie knew that if she did, Pedr would want revenge. ‘Shanni, Pedr would probably fight with Dafydd Buchan and then he would lose his job. And what about Mrs Buchan? How hurt she would be!’

  ‘I’ve thought of all those things. I don’t know what to do for the best.’

  Katie squeezed her hand. Poor Shanni, she looked so ill and lost, Katie’s own troubles seemed petty in the face of such pain. ‘Look, don’t do anything for now, just get better. Then think it all through carefully, that’s the best.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts. Put it out of your mind, and then, when you feel strong, you can decide what to do.’

  ‘You’re very wise for a young girl, Katie. What’s made you so sensible when I’m such a fool? Perhaps it’s because you haven’t fallen in love yet.’

  The door opened and Pedr came into the room. ‘Any more tea for you, ladies?’ He kissed his wife’s head. ‘And I won’t have any more of this weeping, right? You’re a strong young woman and we’ll have plenty of babies when the time is right.’

  ‘No tea for me, thanks, Pedr,’ Katie said. She felt pity tug her heart as she watched Shanni touch her husband’s cheek. They were so obviously in love that it was hard to imagine Shanni being unfaithful with another man. Katie must make sure she never did anything so foolish. It was just as well she had learned about Bull’s woman before it was too late.

  Pedr went out, closing the door behind him.

  ‘He’s so worried about you, Shanni. He must love you very much,’ Katie said.

  ‘I know,’ Shanni said, ‘and I’ll spend the rest of my life making up to him for what I’ve done.’

  It was with relief that Katie left the house a little later. She wished she had never called, had never been the one in whom Shanni had confided. Once she got back to the Morton-Edwards household Cook would be waiting for the latest gossip and what could she say?

  She walked towards town, leaving behind the potteries and the little huddle of houses. She turned into the Carmarthen road, trying to ignore the navvies working on the railway line. Then she caught sight of Bull: his big shoulders and tall frame made him stand out from the other men and Katie longed to run to him and throw herself into his arms. She turned away her face, hoping he wouldn’t see her. But he did. Suddenly he was standing in front of her, barring her way.

  ‘Katie, I must talk to you, please. Just give me a few minutes of your time, that’s all I ask.’

  She looked up at him. She had thought him so dear, so wonderful, and yet he was a cheat and a liar. ‘What can you say, Bull? You have a woman and that’s an end to it.’

  ‘No. I took Rhiannon in because she was alone, defenceless. She needed protection f
rom the other men.’

  Katie stared at him. ‘Are you telling me you live with her like brother and sister?’

  He faced her squarely. ‘I can’t tell you that, Katie, but since I met you I haven’t—’

  ‘Stop! I don’t want to hear it, Bull. You should have told me about Rhiannon.’ She hesitated. ‘Are you willing to send her packing, then, Bull? Would you do that for me?’

  For a long moment he was silent. ‘No,’ he said at last. ‘I wouldn’t throw Rhiannon to the wolves. I owe her more than that.’

  ‘Well, that’s all there is to say. ‘ Her voice was cool, but part of her respected him for his loyalty.

  ‘I’ll be getting a house soon,’ Bull said, ‘and, given time, I can make arrangements for Rhiannon to find work in a good home. I never meant to ask you to be my wife until I’d sorted out my affairs properly.’

  ‘But you should have told me about Rhiannon. How do you think I felt when she begged me not to take you away from her? She loves you so much, Bull, and you’ve just used her in the same way as all the other men used her.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. I was trying to help her. I gave Rhiannon a bit of security instead of watching her being passed from man to man. Was that so wrong?’

  ‘I don’t know, Bull,’ Katie said wearily. ‘All I do know is I can’t share you, not with anyone. Goodbye, Bull. Please don’t bother me again.’

  Katie sounded strong, a woman in charge of her feelings, but once she had walked away from him the tears came and she knew that her world was coming to an end.

  Rhiannon had watched the little scene between Bull and Katie, her heart in her mouth. She could see that they were arguing and she knew it was over her. Would Katie win him away from her? She tried to read Bull’s expression. Was she being fair in trying to keep him for herself? She was denying him a good marriage and a family. Was that the way to show her love for him?

  ‘Hell and damnation!’ she said aloud. ‘He’s my man and I can’t let him go.’ She watched, with a sense of triumph, as Katie walked away, leaving Bull staring after her. It was clear that Katie had finished with him once and for all.