by E. Davies
She’d already tried to adopt him. There were worse fates than sacrificing his slim, boyish figure for the sake of pecan pie and iced tea.
“I checked Grindr and Whatsapp, and he disappeared on both.”
“Fuck that guy. Wow. I can’t even believe he’d be so…” Gabe trailed off, then scoffed. “Men.”
“Men,” Cas agreed, rolling his eyes.
Gabriel took his hand. “Are you okay?” The concern in his eyes was sweet. Twinks had to stick together, and Gabe understood what it was like to date gross guys in the wild world of Grindr.
Now, of course, Gabe had the man of his dreams, and Cas was starting to wish he’d managed to find that kind of happiness himself. How was he supposed to find a long-lost high school boyfriend, though? He hadn’t had any.
“I’m fine,” Cas promised and squeezed his hand. “It’s not the first time I’ve had a bad date.”
Gabe scoffed, even if he let go of Cas’s hand. “That’s not just bad,” he told him. “That’s downright… rude. Like, have the balls to admit you’re not that into twinks.”
Cas’s cheeks burned. “Yeah.” He hadn’t admitted to what he was pretty sure had made George walk out on him: his choice of underwear.
What kind of guy would say that, even to a friend? The last thing he wanted was anyone to laugh at him.
God, it was such a stupid little thing to ditch someone over. Silk, satin, lace… it all felt good. It was a different kind of feeling against sensitive skin. All guys ought to try it, he thought. But he didn’t feel strongly enough about it that he was willing to admit to it.
Gabe frowned. “Do you have any idea why? Did he just change his mind? I guess you wouldn’t know. That’s the shitty thing about ghosting someone. It leaves them second-guessing themselves.”
“Exactly.”
Something in Cas’s expression must have given him away, though, because Gabe narrowed his eyes and tilted his head.
Cas paused and then sighed under the scrutiny. “Okay, fine. I was… um… I dunno. A bit too girly, I guess. He said he was bi, but…”
That was the worst part—someone who shouldn’t even care what was in his pants had ditched him over it.
“Oh, fuck that shit. Men who can’t wrap their heads around anything outside their stupid little boxes—or boxers, so to speak—aren’t worth the time of day,” Gabriel said, his voice rising and growing steadily more indignant. “Being a little femme doesn’t mean shit. And if he’s bi… why does it matter?”
“Right?”
“What a jerk. I mean, hey. Orion’s bi.” Gabe got that fond little smile on his face every time he brought up his new boyfriend—which was a lot, but he looked cute enough doing it that Cas couldn’t be mad at him about it. “He’s pretty sure he’s not into women, but he likes men and nonbinary people.”
“Really? Huh.” Cas had always figured bi meant just men and women, but he hadn’t thought about people who didn’t fit that model.
Learning there was a third option didn’t change the fact that he felt like a man himself, but he suddenly had a lot to think about.
“Yeah. He dated girls a lot and realized they weren’t quite right for him, so we figured he was gay. But then he realized those aren’t the only options. He’s been learning a lot from hanging out with Koby. And he said if I were nonbinary, he’d love me.” Gabriel’s lips quirked up in a fond smile. “I was just joking that my legs would look good in heels. He was so sincere, though.”
“Oh, bless him.” Caspian grinned. Despite his jealousy, he was glad that Gabriel had found someone so certain in his love for him. “Where can I find one of those?”
Gabriel grinned. “I’ll keep an eye out for you. But fuck that guy. It’s not your fault he wanted you to be something else for him.”
Cas’s blush faded into relief as Gabriel waved his hands around to express his indignation. He was a guy through and through, but being open to other genders meant that maybe Gabe wouldn’t laugh at him. “Yeah. Just because I like to wear fun things sometimes…”
“That doesn’t mean you’re not a man. Or nonbinary, if you are,” Gabe corrected himself hastily.
“Pretty sure I’m a guy.” Cas smiled. “But thanks.”
Gabe winked. “Of course. Koby smacked me gently around the head and I’ve learned my lesson about assumptions. So… overall, can we conclude that this guy was a grade-A jerk, you’re much too fabulous for him to even deserve to lick your boots, and you’re better off letting Gramma set you up?”
“Oh, no.” Cas laughed. “She’ll put a word out to the whisper network and I’ll find myself dating someone’s godfather’s nephew’s son…”
Gabriel grinned. “Worked for me.” Gabe and Orion had known each other in school, but—as the whole school knew—Orion had turned Gabe down for prom, thinking back then that he was straight.
The second time around, Cora had managed to get them spending enough time together to realize that they really were into each other. She had a good eye for suitable matches.
But he wasn’t desperate enough to resort to letting people’s grandmas set him up, even if the grandma network of Hidden Creek came with more iced tea than Grindr. Not just yet.
“I’ll manage,” Cas insisted. “I’ll find the right guy on Grindr sooner or later. We’ll have scorching hot sex, and then we’ll become best friends, and then we’ll realize we were meant to be…” He pretended to swoon, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead.
Gabe giggled. “And then he’ll sweep you off your feet for more hot sex. Okaaay. Keep looking for love in a meat market if you want. I hear JJ’s has some single babes hanging around. Particularly in the wine aisle.”
Cas laughed. “Fuck off. I just need to improve my sales pitch.”
“Uh huh. I hate wearing fun things, I wear baggy shorts and t-shirts, I’m so straight it hurts? Not sure you could pull that off,” Gabriel teased.
Cas elbowed him and Gabe spilled iced tea over his legs. Cas yelped and scrambled to his feet so fast he nearly knocked over the bench they’d just been sitting on. It took both of them grabbing it to keep it steady.
“I need to bolt that down,” Gabriel said.
“I need to get fit,” Cas said at the same moment.
They stared at each other for a moment as they sat down again, setting aside the dishes. “Okay,” Gabe said. “Yours is more interesting. Shoot.”
“Well…” Cas shrugged. “Being in better shape never hurt your chances. Maybe I’ll go from twink to twunk. Get a good body, feel better about myself, lift heavier pieces at work, get better hookups. I’ll go to the gym.” He sat up straight. “Today.”
“Today?” Gabe squeaked. “Rest in peace.”
“Shut up. I’m not that out of shape.” Cas blushed and ran his hand down his own skinny forearms. Even twinky little Gabe was in better shape than him, after months of working at a roadside produce stall, and months more of designing—and building—this garden.
Cas ought to have muscles now. He made kitsch for people’s homes—yard art, signs telling people that the cats ruled the home, Christmas decorations, that kind of thing. All the work with lumber and metal parts, power drivers and hammers, and he hadn’t magically sprouted biceps. It was very unfair.
To his surprise, Gabe smiled. “I mean, aside from the horrible part of actually getting fit… if it makes you feel better, and gives you something to do besides cruise for dicks on Grindr… go for it.”
“Mmm.” Cas propped his chin on his fist. “So, bolting down the bench. Good idea.” Cora had broken her hip earlier that year, and she was still unsteady on her feet.
“I should have thought of it already,” Gabe frowned, but Cas nudged him.
“You’re still learning. Don’t beat yourself up.” As a garden designer, Gabe had to be aware of the practicalities as well as the artistic vision of the garden. He was specializing in making gardens more safe and accessible for groups that often couldn’t access them.
> “As long as you don’t beat yourself up for being too good for that piece of shit,” Gabe muttered.
Cas smiled broadly. He was way less upset about it than even Gabe seemed to be, and it felt nice. They’d grown closer over the last few months, especially when Gabe needed advice about Orion.
Having a friend who had his back felt good.
“Gym it is,” Cas declared and stood up. “I’m going right now. Say thanks to Cora if I don’t see her on the way in, please.” It felt like the right thing to do, and there was no time to waste in doing the right thing.
Gabe looked startled before he grinned. “Will do! Go get ‘em, tiger!”
As Cas headed for his car, he tried to reassure himself that the gym would have bikes and treadmills and easy things so he didn’t look like a total newbie. He could look up YouTube tutorials.
Any kind of exercise beat none at all.
Maybe eventually, if he had enough abs, guys would just deal with the inconvenient quirk he kept under his clothes. For a hot guy, men could overlook a lot.
It was time to be that guy, instead of chasing that guy.
What other option did Cas have, besides throwing himself at that brick wall over and over and hoping something would change?
Nothing ever changed that way, so it was time to make sure it finally stuck.
3
Matt
“Ah, the glamorous life.”
Matt grinned as Rory found him in the changing rooms, mopping out the stalls. “I should have saved the dirty work for you.”
“You’re too nice for that.” Rory squeezed his arm, and then she playfully gasped. “Oh, those biceps. By the way, I think I saw a new member looking around.”
“Lucky for you, I feel like finishing a hard job well done. That has nothing to do with the compliments. Get your ass to the front desk and help out our new member.” Matt only had one more stall left before he was done anyway.
Rory gave a victorious fist-pump. “Aye aye, boss. But your biceps are on point.”
“Fleek biceps never won hearts,” Matt muttered under his breath. He was smiling, though. Rory always had a way of brightening people’s days.
That was why he’d hired her. She was his only employee—he couldn’t afford a second staff member just yet. Between the two of them, they covered ninety-one opening hours a week.
Which really meant forty for her and sixty or eighty for him, somehow. The math never worked in the boss’s favor. Still, she always managed to get twice as much done as him in half as much time. What the hell would he do without her?
Also, she was one of his only friends, so…
Rory snorted and headed out as she called, “I think you’re looking in the wrong places. By the way, I transcribed July’s attendance log yesterday and caught up on the membership renewals.”
Matt shook his head and smiled as he finished cleaning. He was sweaty and out of breath by the time he headed for the front desk to see if the new member had signed up.
Oh. He was cute. A couple of inches shorter than Matt, with blond hair and deep brown eyes. He had smile lines by his lips, and he looked excited from the way he bounced on his toes. The excitability was adorable. He was slender and graceful, too, though, and he certainly didn’t have the sculpted figure of a regular gym-goer. If anything, he was a twink.
Matt nearly stopped in his tracks, but made himself keep going. He could talk to cute guys easier than cute girls, maybe because society didn’t expect him to be smooth and effortlessly confident when talking to other guys.
He tried not to feel like he was awkwardly perving on the new cutie, but he did get to watch him smile and thank Rory. His smile made his whole face light up. He looked like the kind of guy who would make time to talk to anyone.
There wasn’t a good time to interject, because Rory was just finishing the signup. So Matt hung back until the guy walked past them to the cardio machines.
Rory turned around and jumped when she saw Matt. “Oh, Jesus. You’ll scare a girl out of her skin!” She pressed a hand to her chest.
“Sorry,” Matt laughed. “Just came to see how things went.”
“He’s all signed up and ready to work out. I offered a free first visit, but he was determined to sign up for a six-month membership.”
“Commitment. I like it,” Matt said, trying not to let his heart flutter. Just because a guy was good-looking and gave him gay vibes didn’t mean a thing. He hadn’t picked anyone up from the gym, and he wasn’t starting now.
Still, as he walked the gym floor to check the weight machines, it was worth a quick look on Grindr. No new profiles popped up within a few hundred feet, so he gave up and pocketed his phone again with a sigh.
Maybe he wasn’t an app user. Smart. Better for the self esteem, but how did he ever get laid?
Or maybe he’s taken, or straight, or not interested, dumbass. Or maybe he can just talk to guys like a normal human being. Matt really had to worry more about his own sex life if he was thinking so much about a guy who he’d seen for all of five seconds.
Maybe what he needed was, at least, some friends. People who cared about him or supported him in more than a hands-off business sense. Rory often reminded him that it wasn’t healthy to go through life as a lone wolf, but he lacked the motivation to actually try to change that.
He took a deep breath and tried to let those soulful eyes slip out of his mind. Time to wipe down the machines, one at a time, and get his brain back on track. There was a long day ahead until he was locking up this gym again.
Matt tried his hardest not to stick his nose into others’ workouts. He never criticized anyone’s routine. Yet another personal policy, born from watching too many people get scared away or pissed off by unwanted advice.
The only time he interfered was when he was asked for advice, or when he saw something potentially dangerous or unsafe.
But when the cute new twink shot a terrified look at the weights area and headed straight for the treadmill, Matt had a feeling he knew what was going on. Newbies often stuck to cardio, then got discouraged when nothing changed in their body after a few weeks.
In his experience, weights were a great way to build confidence… it just took some coaching to talk people through them.
After checking for earbuds, headphones, AirPods, and other distractions, he approached. “Hey,” he greeted.
“Oh. Hi.” The guy slowed down the treadmill and offered a quick smile. “Sorry, is this reserved?”
Matt grinned. “Nah. I’m the owner, just wanted to introduce myself. Matt. Let me know if you need any help. I’m trying to encourage new members to hit the weights with some easy routines.”
“Hi. Caspian. Maybe next time I come?”
“Sure. Grab me whenever. I’m usually here,” Matt said with a smile. “And Rory knows her stuff, too. There’s no formal coaching or classes yet—we’d like to grow into that—but we’ll help out if you need it.”
Caspian seemed genuinely pleased. “Thank you.” He saluted and sped up the treadmill again.
Matt waved and headed off to let him focus. Caspian was absolutely gay. His gaydar was pinging like crazy.
The only questions remaining were the even bigger ones: was he available, was he interested, and was Matt even interested in pursuing it without Grindr to facilitate the easy in-and-out of a no-strings-attached anonymous hookup?
Plus, he’d be breaking his own self-imposed rule against dating a gym member, and he’d done just fine for the last year and a half, hadn’t he?
Goddamn, this was a stupid idea. He’d go to bed tonight and wake up having forgotten all about it. There were a hundred reasons not to hit on this guy, but as Matt found his eye drawn to him again and again, he couldn’t quite remember them all.
You, me, and Grindr tonight, he mentally told his phone as he dropped it at the front desk to charge. Maybe getting laid would make him think with an ounce of sense instead of his dick.
4
Caspian
Matt was the picture of his dream guy. Strong, lean, confident, and above all, a kind and happy personality that shone through in his directness and the way he smiled. He seemed like one of those guys who would give you the shirt off his back.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Cas was not swooning over a man who’d just talked to him for thirty seconds. If he kept up that pattern, he might as well just jump on Grindr.
He wouldn’t half-mind jumping on this guy first, though.
Cas groaned under his breath but sped up the treadmill, sweating out his thoughts until he wasn’t tempted to do something stupid like ask him out.
“Okay, done,” he breathed out when he finally lost the will to walk any further. He could stumble to the car and then into his house and feel sorry for himself for the rest of the day.
Shit. This was the awkward part. Did he just walk out, dripping with sweat? Or did he try to at least rinse his face and wring out his shirt first? In the late summer heat, soaking his shirt in cold water for a minute wasn’t a bad idea. It would be blissful relief on the way home.
But he hated changing rooms. He’d tuned out when Rory mentioned them and turned down the tour of the place. He’d been too busy imagining the gang showers that probably lay within, and how fucking awkward it was going to be when he had to use them.
Cas did want to find out whether there were lockers, though. Bringing a towel and a change of shirt would be a lot nicer if he didn’t have to keep his backpack awkwardly nearby the whole time.
Fine. He’d go have a look, at least.
His palms sweaty, hands shaky, he approached the changing room and tried not to think about high school. He hadn’t been bullied as badly as some kids were, but he’d never been able to shake that feeling: everyone knows I’m gay.
The fear that came with it, the adrenaline that made him change with lightning speed, eyes on the ground—always the ground, or your own clothes, never make eye contact—returned in a rush when he approached the entrance.